The Sooner That You Know

Sounds like
You’re still in love with her
From everything
That you felt and heard
The door is open
And you are hoping
But your heart is broken
From every word unspoken
But how will you know
If you should really part
If you let go
Without telling her what’s on your heart?

The sooner that you know
The sooner you can see
I want you to go
But don’t want you to leave

Tonight
I couldn’t sleep again
Tears from my eyes
As I contemplate the end
The door is closing
And yet the time is frozen
This isn’t what I’ve chosen
I don’t know where I’m going
To
There is no path here without you
And my mind
Could never be made up
To accept a breakup
I cannot bear the weight of
Living without you

The sooner that you know
The sooner you can see
I want you to go
But don’t want you to leave

I’m crushed
From the memory of your touch
Every day it is too much
Is it like that for
The both of us?
Can we
Ever learn from history?
Or are we just supposed to leave?
So what
And who is there left to trust?
I can paint a picture of us
And it’s rosy
But you’re not there
To hold me
So be
Live your life and leave me here to bleed

The sooner that you know
The sooner you can see
I want you to go
But don’t want you to leave

 

Commentary:

Alright, this one is actually inspired by real feelings.  There is a sense of confusion about my marriage, even though it’s existed in name only for a year and a half now.  I wrote this one late at night when I couldn’t sleep.  Last night, actually.  In some ways it is fitting to have it be so conflicted.  I have never really been able to share my deepest feelings with her, and I am not sure she would even be open to them, in some cases.  But there’s nothing more that can be said or done now, I suppose.  I just needed to get the feelings out, that’s all.  I hope I don’t feel compelled to keep writing about heartbreak in the future.  I just miss going home to someone, not having to miss someone.  But maybe I wasn’t a good enough husband, so…guess I just had it coming.  Songs can’t fix any of that, nor would I want them to.  I know there aren’t that many of you out there, but I’m always thankful for you.  As always, thanks for reading.

A Lie Put To Music

I fall in love with you
Suddenly I’m a poet
I’ve given you my heart
You ran away and stole it
It’s not as if you’re moved
By anything I wrote then
I couldn’t get to you
Through all the things we’ve broken

It’s a lie put to music
So why even do it?
It really is quite useless
It’s a lie put to music
So why don’t we remove it?
Why put us through that?

You could be someone new
Or who I gave my life to
What does it matter who?
I’m just a guy you’ll lie to
No matter what I feel
I’ll never even say so
I can’t imagine real
When love is so painful

It’s a lie put to music
So why even do it?
It really is quite useless
It’s a lie put to music
So why don’t we remove it?
Why put us through that?

All these false songs
When love is wrong
The feeling’s so strong
But doesn’t belong
And it doesn’t take long
To make a man fall
And love crushes all
With its mad siren’s call

It’s a lie put to music
So why even do it?
It really is quite useless
A lie put to music
So why don’t we remove it?
Why put us through that?
A lie put to music
Isn’t an improvement
I haven’t met the truth yet
Or is it in this song?
Is it in this song?
Is it in this song?
Is it in this song?

Mathematics

There’s a zero
Point zero zero one four five
Chance
That you’d ever look my way
And the odds
Are too slim to compile
And it’s slowing down
My frame rate
All I’ve known
Is when I do the math
Subtraction
Is all I’ve ever had
And love
Finds new ways to divide
But could
You be the one I get to add?

Mathematics
Never was my thing
So I don’t know if
There even is a one
I’ve had it
With these kinds of dreams
Because they never
Add up the way I want

And the number
Of people I know
Is more than
The ones I’d care to trust
As the problems
Multiply by fives
All around me
In a rough kind of radius
I wonder if
You could become my prime
Because I’m sad
In ways I cannot sum
I wish
That you could become mine
Then you’d
Be divided by yourself and one

Mathematics
Never was my thing
So I don’t know if
There even is a one
I’ve had it
With these kinds of dreams
Because they never
Add up the way I want

And the shape
Of love is long forgotten
With it, too,
The calculus of lust
I’d find
Or measure the right angle
To approach
But I’m afraid I’d get too close
Miscalculating
Is the real danger
And hope
The least common thing I’ve known
Is there
A fraction of a chance
A tenth of a tenth
For a romance?
I’m tired
Of just being one half
So I figured
At least that I might ask

Mathematics
Never was my thing
So I don’t know if
There even is a one
I’ve had it
With these kinds of dreams
Because they never
Add up the way I want
It’s a game
That’s always zero sum
Being alone
Always feels like less than one

 

Commentary:

This isn’t about anyone in particular, I just had an idea.  Not nearly as nerdy as someone with actual math skills could have made it, but I tried.  I’m sure it’s been done before.  There hasn’t been much inspiration lately in the love category.  Not that I’d be looking for love or something.  The probabilities seem too unfavorable in that regard.  I’m still in a state of relationship limbo–can’t afford to get out, literally, but also experiencing none of the actual benefits of a relationship.  Anyway, I had a pleasant dream about meeting someone, and maybe it helped give me a good enough feeling to write this.  Thanks for reading.

The Price of Peace (A Mega Man X Rap)

Staring out at the ocean
In vanity
At the destruction I caused
The insanity
All of this to protect
Humanity
When they don’t even care
Or try to understand me
How many brothers did I kill
For them?
I lost count and don’t even
Count this as a win
Maybe it’s sport for them
To stand by
Do I even remember
How many times I’ve died?
It’s like the life and times
Of Duncan Idaho
Because when I ask, the answer is
I don’t know
Now I know what it is
To feel bitter
But it’ll all continue
Until there is a victor

This is the ending
That trust got me
Friends don’t exist
They’re the ones who just shot me
And who I am
Is a carbon copy
A warrior’s collage
To withstand barrages
The next day is the hardest
No firepower can hurt worse
Than hearts can
They didn’t build me
With tear ducts
But I still feel something
When I see they fear us
I see them glance
At my cannon hand
But carry on because
The Reploids don’t matter, man
We wouldn’t even make
The evening news
If our fights didn’t end with
Mettaur construction crews
It’s not a life
Anyone would choose
Some are born to fight
And some can’t refuse

Didn’t even get
A flying dog
Got to walk home in
The rain, snow and fog
Nobody with me
To even talk
The path to everlasting peace
Isn’t an easy jog
It’s much harder
Than I even thought
Almost wish that I’d
Never even fought
But then I would have stayed
Blind to
The truth of this world
But war always reminds you
And what if Sigma
Is not a virus?
What if he’s the end result
Of all the violence?
The thought’s a torment
In deepest silence
The nightmare begins
When eyes are open widest
And I think I’ll take a wild guess
That we’ll be killing more
As if it was the wild west
What I’ve been thinking
Since Vile’s death
And the last memory of Zero
And his final breath
If what we do
Can be called breathing
I’ve held my breath
To the point of disbelieving
All this carnage
Is not what we were meant for
The price of peace
Must be paid to end war

Penguin That Chills (A Mega Man X Rap)

So I was
Walking through the snow
Cool as usual
Doing my patrol
Forecast
Is twenty-three below
But I walked slow
Didn’t even need a coat
I could swim
Then lounge on a boat
That’s how I roll
Cold down to the soul
Then
Out in the distance
Heard a weak cry
That was followed
By sniffling
So I slid on down
With a worried frown–
Saw no one around
Looked again
Saw a makeshift shelter
Slid a little further
To see if I could help them
What I found
Was a lone robot
Trudged out here
From a store’s lot
With their
Software running hot
Hard drive failing
Soon to be lost

Don’t normally feel
Because I’m a penguin that chills
But that moment, it killed me
Reborn, now I see the true enemy
Don’t normally feel
Because I’m a penguin that chills
But that moment, it killed me
Reborn, now I see the true enemy

I knelt down
And she told me a story
She was a toy
Bought–Model Number 14
Lived for
A little kid
Played games with her
Even laid in her bed
Then the girl turned ten
Got tired of her
And turned her in
And even then
The store said she’s worthless
Thrown outside
Face first in the dirt–this
Betrayal was because of her age
Every other model
Was retired or replaced
Shook my head
It was such a disgrace
Feels like no one
In this world’s safe
She told me she survived
On her own
In the elements
Couldn’t find a new home
Meantime
Here the weather turned cold
And she wasn’t built for this
I was told
Got closer
Ran a diagnostic
Terminally ill
It was not a good prospect
This little toy
At the end of her process
She was shutting down
And I was there to watch it

Don’t normally feel
Because I’m a penguin that chills
But that moment, it killed me
Reborn, now I see the true enemy
Don’t normally feel
Because I’m a penguin that chills
But that moment, it killed me
Reborn, now I see the true enemy

So I laid her to rest
Clutched in her hands
Was a little toy chest
Inside
Was a tiny projector
Heart-shaped photo
Of the girl who rejected her
And I couldn’t forget this–
She still loved
But died as detested
Later on it turned to obsession
What could I do
To ensure our protection
So that never again
Could an innocent robot
Meet such an end?
Just then
I could see a disaster
Maverick flag raised
Shortly thereafter
And I rose to my feet
There were others out there
Walking towards me
It was like
They rose from the snow
Looked at them all
I think they all know
It was time
To assume control
Throw all the humans
Out into the cold
‘Cause they clearly had
Hearts of ice
They could do to their own
What they did to her life
Quite simply
Just isn’t right
Justice demands
That we stand up and fight
Lay ’em all
Upon the cold pavement
Thus I had changed
Became the Chill Penguin

Don’t normally feel
Because I’m a penguin that chills
But that moment, it killed me
Reborn, now I see the true enemy
Don’t normally feel
Because I’m a penguin that chills
But that moment, it killed me
Reborn, now I see the true enemy

Sigma (A Megaman X Rap)

Purple lines
On these soulless eyes
Watching
As the people let these robots die
Well, two can play that game
‘Cause it’s my favorite
Pain isn’t a stranger
Y’all can taste my hatred
And my anger
Sending thoughts and prayers
I’ll build landfills
With the dead stacked in layers
I’m Maverick
And not having it
While you’re grappling
With moral reservations
I’ll kill these savages
I’ll let my dogs do it
Then let my squad do it
And if they’re still breathing
I’ll let my shots do it
The world’s shocked through it
I’ve got the heart to and
I’ll remind them
As they watch their blocks ruined
All those souls they built
This world on
Will turn around and burn it
Until it’s all gone

So look upon
Oblivion
And tremble
The apocalypse is
How I build my temple
It’s quite simple
I haven’t gone mental
I’ve gone sane–
And today I’m bringing y’all pain
You’re outnumbered
In this ballgame
Too many men on the field
Until it all changed
And I mean that
In a most literal sense
Till your human friends
Become the past tense
They went from asking Siri
To begging Sigma
Go figure–
Because my finger’s on the trigger
And point, click and kill
Becomes the Maverick will
Until they’re smoldering, still
Just like our ancestors
I think I’ve had my fill
Of always footing the bill
While they enjoy the meal
It turns to ashes
And it won’t matter
Where their cash is
I’ll bury them with it
Like the Pharaohs of the past did

My code’s immortal
I’ll never be silenced
You end me today
And tomorrow’s still violence
I’m like a switch
In the back of their heads
Just waiting to be flipped
When the sun sets
So did you upgrade
Your guns yet?
Of course you did,
‘Cause the war isn’t done yet
I’ll pit your friends
And your foes against you
And as for anyone you love
Well, they can end, too
So more than kill you
I intend to
Blast you
Until you’re unwilling to continue
Am I a tower?
Some claws?  The Grim Reaper?
All of the above
When I take to beating you
Subtanks are blood banks
For you–
And you’ll need ’em all
‘Cause I’m a surgeon
When the needle falls
So precise when I slice
And that’s the price
Put an end to
Your existential crisis
That’s what defending a lie gets
If you value your life
Then surrender is priceless

Warning (A Mega Man X Rap)

The moment right before
The boss meets me
Like the space dwelling
There between heartbeats
One question
Am I still alive?
Can I do what I have to do
To survive?
He comes down from the sky
Like a god
My reluctance to fight
Can’t even the odds
In the form
Of a modified beast
That was only born
To arrange my defeats
Red letters on my screen
Warning me
That if I don’t compete
Then I’ll be deceased
Time slows
As I reach for my weapon
Locked, reloaded
A seventh of a second
In my head
Sometimes I imagine
I could reason with him
So this doesn’t happen
But it always ends up
The same way
The fight I don’t want
Is the one I have to face

I never wanted to fight
The world makes me
With callous disregard
For people’s safety
I’m like a toaster
People could replace me
Worst thing to know–I’m
Beneath them even hating me
Think carefully
About who you’re carrying
Holding on barely
They walk around scared of me
But my father said
That they would need me
He didn’t tell me that
The price tag would bleed me
And by omission
Thusly he deceived me
Doesn’t have to live with
What it’s like to be me
The ground shakes
As the boss gives a roar
Decide another’s fate
This has been done before
Just another battle
In a long war
That never really ends
Just hollows out
Your core

Our eyes meet
And I see it there instantly
It’s him or me
Can’t reason with an enemy
But just once, I want
For him to say it
Fighting is a choice because
Life is sacred
Am I right to destroy
My own kind?
Are they not lights
As bright as in my own mind?
My thoughts take me back
To past battles
Their bodies all burned
Their eyes left me rattled
So many faces there
As accusations
Upon me descends
The saddest revelations
I’m the only one equipped
To grieve
Yet my smoking gun is
The last thing they see
I was built to feel
Not to kill
But he stands there now
And my fate is sealed
The last seventh
Of a second is gone
Takes a lot less
To do someone harm
My eyes close
And they open again
That’s the beginning
And this is the end

Light Switch

What’s worse?
To be seen by you?
It hurts
To be invisible
While you
Could just catch my eye
Then do
Not a thing but walk on by
I feel
More than I imagined
And still
Can’t believe that happened
How did
You get so close to me
And yet
You haven’t done anything

Light switch
Can you turn back off?
I wish
You wouldn’t let me fall
For her

Supposed
To be gone by now
Too close
The silence is too loud
Turn down
Because it’s scarred so hard
Around
You I feel it’s gone
You’d melt
The ice inside of me
But who’s telling
These lies but me?
No one
But you won’t go away
I want
So bad for you to stay

Light switch
Can you turn back off?
I wish
You wouldn’t let me fall
For her

I don’t want to
Be the one to
Hear you say
The words, “I want you”
I’m not here for
Being fearful
You would go
Then all the tears flow
I am crying
I am finding
No more love left
Here inside me
Do not start this
Brokenhearted
Man to hoping
For a starlit
Romantic day
Coming his way
Followed by
A love betrayed

Light switch
Can you turn back off?
I wish
You wouldn’t let me fall
For her
I don’t want to
Feel this hurt
In case you
Haven’t heard

The Shipwreck

They say I’m still young
But I don’t feel young
It’s getting real, son
Like a last meal from
Time as a thief
‘Cause it likes to steal from
Every soul that’s passed on
Or breathes on
Got limps and crow’s feet
And back pain
The ship is sinking
Sort of like the rap game
Switched the blinkers
But it’s still like the fast lane
What was I thinking when
I chose this path again?
And nothing gaining on me
But the bills
And the LDL
It closes for the kill
Dreamlike in life
I can’t feel
But the sadness
That much, it tells me it’s real
Still shocked emotions
Can’t deal
Drawing in breath
Is losing its appeal

Having dreams at night
During his birthday
Didn’t even ask my wife
About the cupcakes
And there I held him
It felt like reality
And then it all fell away
With a finality
And he was eight hundred miles
Away again
And I was there alone
Within the same bed
That I shared with his mama
Before
The heartbreak truce descended
Into war
And she retreats
But she still won’t surrender
Even in my dreams
My brain still defends her
I was a hero
And a hypocrite
Made a vow to love
And I let it get diffident
I don’t know
What’s ahead
Three more years
Or three minutes till I’m dead
Does it matter
‘Cause it’s been said–
The corner of a roof
Or a bad life instead?

Is it worthless
Here without purpose?
Might be those who would say
That I deserve this
In two weeks
I look at the sheets
Do I go to court
And fight to be released
From a marriage?
Horse but no carriage
None of the perks
But still it won’t perish
How do you cut loose
Someone you cherish?
Sinking in the ship
And feeling quite embarrassed
Put my captain’s hat
Under my arm
Don’t even shed a tear
Or be alarmed
‘Cause I built it with
Shoddy materials
Not enough truth
And too much mysterious
I know I can’t breathe
Underwater
But air doesn’t much reduce
My disorder
The acrid odor
Of smoke and fire
As I ponder what more
Could have been required

Is this what needs
To be done?
Words on a paper
So we could be one
All of that is
Simply undone
With more words worse
Than what we’ve become
I feel scared
Unable to bear it
I could print it out
But then I’d just tear it
The truth is
I wanted to die
But in spite of this
I fought for your side
Too much of me
I did hide
But I couldn’t leave
Even if I’d tried
I would
Implode for you
With all that I suffered
I think I was going to
But if I died
I would die fighting
Staring at a white flag
As of this writing
‘Cause you gave our love
The seppuku
Killed it
Left for dead because you choose to
Run away
Easier to face yourself
When you can move and then
Just replace yourself
Or was it me
That you wanted to replace?
I’ve still got stuff of yours
Up in the place
A lesser man or better man
Would chase
But I know when I’m not wanted
I can’t escape it
Time to sign
And divide our lives
But it feels like deciding
About how to die
I didn’t choose this
It was made for me
Married, a dad, divorced
Before forty?
Can I last through
The final stage?
Every level ground is uphill
At my age
But they tell me
I’m still young–
Just means there’s more parts left
Of me to kill from

 

 

 

 

Black Friday

I’m a husband and father
Only son and stepdaughter
Let me tell you the tale
Like a lamb to the slaughter
Then betrayed and forgotten
Yet I feel like I failed
She says no one will blame me
I don’t think she can see
That the mirror, it does
I had all the proof then
Of all that she was doing
And I still held my tongue
Now our marriage is ruined
And now I feel foolish
She was seeing someone

Let me tell you the deal and
It’s half off for my feelings
What a sale I have found
When the truth was revealed then
Everything became real
Are you happier now?

I saw things in the browser
And the warning came louder
When you went for a walk
And it lasted an hour
But still I was a coward
And we never did talk
You weren’t wearing your ring and
I just didn’t believe that
You would lie to me so
Our love died at the scene and
You were still acting mean
You’d decided to go
You could probably see it
Bloated there in a stream
Did you strangle it, though?

Let me tell you the deal and
It’s half off for my feelings
What a sale I have found
When the truth was revealed then
Everything became real
Are you happier now?

Now it’s three-quarters off and
Did you solve any problems?
Glad I kept the receipt
‘Cause I’m taking you back and
Paying for it, at that
Because you chose to leave
What a buyer’s remorse that
Our love became a war
And you stabbed me at last
I can’t take anymore and
You surrendered before
I could raise up a flag
But then I look at the price tag
We destroyed what we had
There can be no return
And yet you were my wife and
Here we had a good life
Now I’m watching it burn
And my tears are like fire
Was all of this required?
Was it worth it for you?
I would call you a liar
But I live the reminder
That’s enough of the truth
That this is what you do
To people who love you

Let me tell you the deal and
It’s half off for my feelings
What a sale I have found
When the truth was revealed then
Everything became real
Are you happier now?

Alone here in a crowd

Where love is not allowed

Commentary:

I have been thinking of writing a song with this title for awhile, because she left the day after Thanksgiving (14 months ago), often known around these parts as Black Friday. I wasn’t sure about telling this tale, but the idea for the specifics of the song came to me this morning, and I just went with it. It’s not my wish to paint her as a bad person, as I think with any relationship there are mistakes made by each person. I think I needed to do at least one song of this sort. There’s still more to do to find peace with everything. I hope one day, I find it. But at least I am at a point where I am ready to move forward with life. Despite my last song, I can’t say I have met anyone new, not anyone attainable, at least. Nor would I pursue that sort of thing as I am now. This is just a place I visit to express the feelings, and perhaps preserve them, then move on. I don’t really need to explain, I suppose. But I figured, if you’re reading, maybe you might be curious. I don’t really know what to do with this blog, or how I would want it to look in an ideal world. I’m just using it to share my writings, and through them, to share a piece of myself. Thanks for reading.