Cube Life

Some days it’s too hot
And some days it’s freezing
And just a cube over
She’s coughing and sneezing
And people are sneaky
Sometimes they steal things
Even though my lunch is cheap
It’s not made of real things
The lights go out often
They’re triggered by movement
I work in a coffin
Though maybe it’s too big

I’m living that CUBE LIFE
I’m living that CUBE LIFE
I’m living that CUBE LIFE
I’m livin’ it
I’m livin’ it
I’m living that CUBE LIFE
I’m living that CUBE LIFE
I’m living that CUBE LIFE
I’m livin’ it
I’m livin’ it
I’m livin’ it

It’s deep vein thrombosis
And maybe psychosis
It’s nearly hypnosis
And then scoliosis
I twinkle my toes and
I know that it’s hopeless
I’m losing my focus
And mentally frozen
The lighting is so dim
And triggered by motion
And every emotion
Can tear me right open

I’m living that CUBE LIFE
I’m living that CUBE LIFE
I’m living that CUBE LIFE
I’m livin’ it
I’m livin’ it
I’m living that CUBE LIFE
I’m living that CUBE LIFE
I’m living that CUBE LIFE
I’m livin’ it
I’m livin’ it
I’m livin’ it

Don’t understand why people need this
And every day I think of leaving
But then I think of horrible FRESH AIR
And then I don’t care
You won’t see me out there

I’m living that CUBE LIFE
I’m living that CUBE LIFE
I’m living that CUBE LIFE
I’m livin’ it
I’m livin’ it
I’m living that CUBE LIFE
I’m living that CUBE LIFE
I’m living that CUBE LIFE
I’m livin’ it
I’m livin’ it
I’m livin’ it

 

Commentary:

I had a random, funny thought and decided to go with it.  This song is needlessly upbeat, given the subject matter.  I look forward to continuing to disappear into the relative anonymity of existence until finally even my digital remains return to oblivion, and that’s why this song is so very important.  “That’s why it’s so important.  It separates us from them.”–Bruce Wayne, ‘Batman Begins’, 2005.  Out of context Bat-quotes aside, who doesn’t love the crushing weight of decades of monotony inside a cubicle, you know?  It could be a lot worse.  Believe me, I’m actually quite grateful for that CUBE LIFE.  So…thanks for reading, and try not to regret following my blog too much, okay?  Until next time.

 

Picture (Part 3)

I never could seem to
Find the right place for you
Whether beside me
Or eight hundred miles gone so soon
I’m never forgetting
The smell of your hair and your skin
The taste of you heavy
And yet I would still drink you in

So why would you throw
The old picture away
From when you were gone
When you weren’t going to stay?
Is that why you’d throw
The old picture away,
Because it’s all wrong
And never the same?

It’s either you’re running
Or fighting as hard as you can
It’s ether, like nothing
When you pull your disappearance
You don’t have to approach me
With a sword and a shield
I’m broken and hoping
Together we’d learn how to heal

So why would you throw
The old picture away
From when you were gone
When you weren’t going to stay?
Is that why you’d throw
The old picture away,
Because it’s all wrong
And never the same?

You think that
I hate you
Or I’m holding a grudge
Why won’t you
Just let me be
My own judge?
For once I’d
Be grateful
If love is enough
You are the
Only one I’m ever
Thinking of

So why would you throw
The old picture away
From when you were gone
When you weren’t going to stay?
Is that why you’d throw
The old picture away,
Because it’s all wrong
And never the same?

I’m not ashamed to say
That I love you anyway
I’m not a game to play
Not a picture
So please
Don’t throw me away

 

Commentary:

This song just showed up unexpectedly today.  The story behind it is, I happened to bring home a picture of my wife that I’d had on my desk at work, and she removed it from the frame, crumpled it and threw it in the trash.  I was a bit surprised, but she often told me she didn’t like the picture, because she doesn’t like pictures of her by herself.  (Strictly speaking, she wasn’t by herself in the picture; I just liked her smile so much that I cropped out the other person and printed it.)  Some days it was painful to look at her, and maybe that was the real reason I took it off my desk, even though I had other reasons (couldn’t find a spot that made sense to me, given the frame’s size, I’d just rearranged things on the desk, and so on).

In hindsight, I wish I’d hidden the picture, because now it’s gone and I rather liked it.  I could print another one, but maybe that would just show I’d missed the point.  Maybe it means I failed to accept her feelings about this one thing, and if so, isn’t it likely I failed the same way in other aspects of our life together?  And if so, isn’t this song that much worse?

Forgive me for venturing into melancholy, here.  I should be writing a Star Wars rap or something, so…maybe I should work on that instead of whining about my obvious failure as a husband.  Thanks for reading.  *smiles, but it doesn’t reach my eyes*

Whatever, Just Whatever

This crazy game
We just cannot stop losing
This is insane
And its pain is abusing
All of my trust
Is now withered to dust
Because of us
Messing up
Did I want
You too much?

Are we just better
When we’re not together?
I’m still a debtor
To my deep regret, oh
Are we just better
When we’re not together?
Whatever, just whatever

I feel alone
Even when you’re in the room
This was our home
When you left it too soon
This bride and groom
Volunteered to be fools
Drafted into
Wars of words we both lose

Are we just better
When we’re not together?
I’m still a debtor
To my deep regret, oh
Are we just better
When we’re not together?
Whatever, just whatever

It’s empty thoughts
Memories of when we fought
It’s all we’ve got
Is this love
Or is it not?
Promises break
When we don’t do what it takes
Was it a mistake?
Was it real
When you were fake?
Here by ourselves
And pretending as well
How can we tell?
Is it clear that we failed?

Are we just better
When we’re not together?
I’m still a debtor
To my deep regret, oh
Are we just better
When we’re not together?
Whatever, just whatever
Did you do better
When we weren’t together?
All this unsettled
And even at best, oh
We are no better
When we are together
Whatever, just whatever
Just whatever

Commentary:

This was another of those songs that popped into my head right as I was trying to go to sleep, and I said, alright, guess I have to write it down because I won’t remember it in the morning or I’ll lose the feeling, the music of it. It is also based on real feelings. I’ve shared too much on this blog about that, and I know she hates it when I talk about this sort of thing online, worries that I’m seeking to make her look bad. So if I’ve done that, it was not deliberately.

Some days I’m emotional about love and other days I’m thinking, look, it’s not that serious, and the main thing is to eat, sleep, and work, so that we may one day be able to enjoy that movie, book, video game or comic for whatever time is left. And maybe, while we’re at it, try not to do any harm to anyone, or make them too angry, etc. ‘Just basically stay out of the way and watch movies, read books, etc.’ pretty much sums up life for me.

But I’ve spent decades being ashamed of my true feelings and of any number of “bad” things I was afraid of saying or doing. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life that way. I may not be able to share every thought or feeling here, all of what I could say, but I like sharing a part of myself with the larger world out there, even though I’ll never know how many people even noticed. Quiet as I am, even I like to be noticed, sometimes. I am human, after all–I passed the Captcha thing, so that totally proves it. I can identify a grainy picture of a traffic light that seems really subjective, because that’s what humanity is all about. Anyway, thanks for reading.

I Believe in Love (inspired by ‘Wonder Woman’ (2017))

Never have I seen a
Face like yours before and
Never had I dreamed of
One I’d go to war for
I look in your eyes and
I can see the truth of
Everything in me and
Everything that you are

It’s not about deserve or
Who is good enough
I learned that from you and
I believe in love
The last words I heard I’ll
Cherish like your touch
I learned that from you and
I believe in love

Even when I’ve lost all
Faith in what could be, you
Still hold onto hope and
You inspire me
I’ll love you for all time
And your bravery
You showed me what true love is
By doing something

It’s not about deserve or
Who is good enough
I learned that from you and
I believe in love
The last words I heard I’ll
Cherish like your touch
I learned that from you and
I believe in love

I wish we
Had more time
You were once
By my side
Fighting for
Every life
You and I
Crystallized
You and those
Perfect eyes
I know you
Couldn’t lie
For the truth
Is that I’ve
Loved you for
My whole life
Even through
Centuries
We are still
Meant to be
There is no
Enemy
That can keep
You from me

It’s not about deserve or
Who is good enough
I learned that from you and
I believe in love
The last words I heard I’ll
Cherish like your touch
I learned that from you and
I believe in love

 

Commentary:

I suddenly remembered some of the music I’d toyed around with in my head, sort of slowing down the Wonder Woman theme from the 2017 film (originating with the Junkie XL/Hans Zimmer Batman v Superman soundtrack), and it occurred to me how beautiful it can sound if you soften it a bit. It easily becomes a love theme, if you can imagine it. I really do need to learn to play the piano someday.

I had this mental image of a scene sort of like from the 1978 Superman film, with that music playing and Diana and Steve flying through the air. I’d never given thought to putting words to it, but it hit me today that I could, so I gave it a try. Maybe I’m just in a DC Comics/DCEU mood lately, with Aquaman just coming out on Blu-ray/DVD/4K UHD/Digital (shameless free advertising, sorry about that). Plus I felt a little emotional today, so it was a matter of time before a song showed up. Thanks for reading.

Ask the Sea for Mercy (Rap inspired by ‘Aquaman’ [2018])

I’ll bring the raps
Of the Seven Seas with me
Quickly, trust that
You’ll never forget me
It’s a world undiscovered
Unfathomed
My mic is a trident
I’ll throw it back at ’em
It’s like magic
Or maybe a Black Adam
Turn ’em into atoms
Or plankton when I smack ’em
Black Manta
You’ll have to ask your manager
Can’t handle the damage
I left you broke, dismantled ya
Think I’m a joke?
I control the oceans
The power of its motion
Is stronger than your explosions
I’ve forgotten stuff
You’ll never learn
Gotten more treasures than
You’ll ever earn
The depth of my game
Is what you’ve never seen
In a submarine
You would just invite suffering
Not as tough as me
You can’t survive at crush depth
Up against the Trench
It’s just death
So tip the crown
When I come around
If you disrespect, expect
You will drown

If you ever even think
To hurt me
Down on your knees
And ask the sea for mercy
I can solve you
With a dolphin surfing
Down on your knees
And ask the sea for mercy

And there are species
Completely believed to be extinct
That I’ve seen
And they’re sweeter than you’d think
I’ve got your lands
In the palm of my hands
I could squeeze and your fleets
Disappear in the deep sea
It’s not worth it
To have to rebuild
I can wield with a skill
That’ll leave you all killed
My trident cuts deeper than Justice League
Was cut by Joss Whedon
The sea
Is full of heathens
‘Cause deep down it’ll
Leave you not breathing
Leave you choked, groping
For something to believe in
Even Poseidon
Calls me up for guidance
So try this–
Guess whose surface area’s widest?
I hear silence
When I’m holding the trident
Krakens won’t try it
And barracudas compliant
So ask yourself
Who you’d like as clients:
Multi-billionaires
Or Atlantean science?

If you ever even think
To hurt me
Down on your knees
And ask the sea for mercy
I can solve you
With a dolphin surfing
Down on your knees
And ask the sea for mercy

You could think
I’m useless on land
You don’t understand
But you’re welcome to try a hand
It’s a fat chance
I hope MRIs and CAT scans
Are fully covered by your health plans
Don’t need permission
I come aboard
You got a sword,
But I can hit you with a surf board
Or just imagine the shadow
Of a three hundred meter crustacean
As it tramples down your nations
So maybe have a hesitation
Because you do not have
The upper hand situation
My patience
Is not to be tried
The ocean is filled with
Failed attempts at regicide
It’s time for false kings
To step aside
Because the King of the Seven Seas
Arrives on the King Tide
He brings the fish to the people
Aquaman, Arthur Curry is unequaled

If you ever even think
To hurt me
Down on your knees
And ask the sea for mercy
I can solve you
With a dolphin surfing
Down on your knees
And ask the sea for mercy

 

Commentary:

I’d started on an ‘Aquaman’-inspired rap sometime ago, but just didn’t feel inspired for awhile, so I left it until I was ready to write more.  I was listening to the ‘Aquaman’ soundtrack and heard the Pitbull song and thought, gee, I should go back and actually write something.  Well, honestly, I was thinking ‘I could do better than that’, but…that’s a matter of opinion, and meaningless, since one of us is not successful and writes rhymes for free, and the other is well, Mr. Worldwide, I guess?  I’m not up on this sort of thing, I just write them, I don’t actually listen to them much.  Well, anyway, for all five of you who actually read this, thanks for reading.

Let’s Do This Like Judas

Let’s get done what we’re doing
More quickly than this
‘Cause your man might start to wonder
Who it is that you’re with
This cup of betrayal here
I’mma take a little sip
‘Cause your love is my drug, baby
And I’mma need another hit

Let’s do this like Judas, baby
‘Cause we know it ain’t right
Let’s do this like Judas, baby
In the middle of the night

I’ll creep to your garden, baby
We can light a little torch
Then I’ll stroll on by in the morning
While you’re sitting on the porch
You can teach me how to please you best
‘Cause baby you have got a gift
I’ll give you thirty pieces of silver
And you’ll be giving me a kiss

Let’s do this like Judas, baby
‘Cause we know it ain’t right
Let’s do this like Judas, baby
In the middle of the night

It ain’t the right thing, baby
But it’s a nightly fling, ain’t it?
No, baby, you don’t call, ’cause I
Baby, I know it all
Just wait
We’ll run away one day
But for today

Let’s do this like Judas, baby
‘Cause we know it ain’t right
Let’s do this like Judas, baby
In the middle of the night
Let’s do this like Judas, baby
‘Cause we know it ain’t right
Let’s do this like Judas, baby
In the middle of the night

 
Commentary:

I just had this idea for a song of the funk variety, that’s obviously using biblical similes and metaphors, so it’s probably a bit of sacrilege. Not to mention the obvious infidelity going on there, and as someone who’s lived with being cheated on (I’m starting to sound like Capt. Ed Mercer from The Orville by going on about that, so, sorry about that), it’s not fun. But I’m sure that at least it was something that made her feel better when I wasn’t measuring up, so…maybe that was the important thing. This song is not based on any real feelings, for the record, just an idea for a song. I don’t know how anyone has the energy to carry on an affair, frankly. Seems like it would be exhausting to keep that from someone else and look them in the face. But…let’s just move on.

I’ve already gone over the deep end with my writings, anyway, so may as well throw this in. I had the idea for awhile and couldn’t help laughing at how absurd it sounded in my head, sort of a Barry White kind of sound. Like, maybe too deep and too loud, at least how I imagined it. (And here I was hoping to avoid double entendre in my writing, but here we are. I think it’s obvious there’s some of that in the song, too. PG-13, it is, then.)  It was one of those that popped into my head, like many random thoughts, while I was driving alone.  Usually I get to scream, sing as loudly as possible, and say everything I’d never say out loud under other circumstances, so of course this one was there, complete with funk music. Bow-chicka-chicka-BOW-NOW-chicka-chicka-chicka-bow-chicka-chicka-BOW-NOW, and so on. Alright, enough of that. Thanks for reading.

Sugar Is _____ _______

I mix beats
That get the fleet on their feet
And out their seats
Like a 3-Meat Treat
The dance floor
Is a cancer
My rhymes are the answer, like spells
To a necromancer
Rappers apparate
Acting like fashion plates
When my tectonic state
Shakes up the common day
Your structure
May fluctuate, undulate
This production can function
Like a head of state
We’ve been great
You’re in late, you fakers
They made a mistake
In tolerating your statements
In this for life or
Till I become a writer
That writes right
They follow me like the Pied Piper
And now I’m hyper
And spiked like Sean Bean
In wrong scenes
And so sweet
That you can call me

Sugar is _____ _______
Sugar is _____ _______
Sugar is _____ _______
Sugar is _____ _______

Now to read this
Continuation of my thesis
Exegesis never pleases
I’ll believe it
When I see it
I decree that
Like police that’ll hit your knees
At the kneecap
At a speed trap
Didn’t need that
As a recap
I can speed rap
If I wanted to
But I slow it down
Otherwise
What you gonna do?
What’s it coming to?
It’s in front of you
Staring like the truth
Can’t deny the proof
It is like your shoes
Tied it right to you
Staring like a fool
Rhyme is like my tool
Here to fight for you
Now it’s time to choose
There’s no time to lose
Shift it down to cruise
Hit that button snooze
Like my soul is bruised
Got control of you
Nothing left to do

Sugar is _____ _______
Sugar is _____ _______
Sugar is _____ _______
Sugar is _____ _______

They stack bags of it
Wrapped in plastic
It’s in your basket
It can put you in a casket
A teaspoon
Released you
It takes you by the middle
And defeats you
Leaves you deceased too
Your doctor says
You should stop using it
Start refusing it
But that cake is calling me
I’m chewing it
Mix it in a bowl
Then we heat it up
And we eat it up
From young to old age
Can’t eat enough
It’s the number one killer
But no charges
And the hardest hit
Crave still more chocolate
And no rules
Control you
It’s the ice cream tub that
Consoles you and holds you
I told you
That sugar is cr*** c*****e
But it’s legal
And maybe less evil
But lethal
So think twice
At the checkout lane
‘Cause that little slice of cane
Might drive you insane

Sugar is _____ _______
Sugar is _____ _______
Sugar is _____ _______
Sugar is _____ _______

 

Commentary:

I had this idea of a more mainstream, black-and-white rap album cover with this as the title track.  (For whatever reason, you’re supposed to do a black-and-white photo as your album cover at some point. It’s a rule.) The idea has been stuck in my head for awhile, and suddenly this rhyme showed up, even though two of the verses are really just whatever happened to come to mind, and the third actually has something to do with the title. It’s a little bizarre, but then, at this point, what is normal anymore? Regardless, I just felt really good about the rhymes and kept going. That second verse was sort of the equivalent of a sugar high, in that it just goes off the rails compared to the rest of the song, and I could almost hear it without music, as if it’s slam poetry or something. Hmm. Maybe it could work because of that.

In no way am I making light of the serious health issues that come from too much sugar consumption, or of drugs. Say no to drugs, kids. (Apparently, some of them are legal now, so I feel like, well, the Persian Cat Room Guardian Meme, for lack of a better term.)  I, too, struggle with trying to eat less sugar, but have never used anything other than coffee or chocolate when it comes to addictive substances. The doctor did give me antidepressants and sleeping pills for a time, but I don’t use either anymore. That’s pretty much the entire history of my drug use. Yes, despite my dental surgeon feeling the need to ask if I smoked marijuana–no, not even once, my dear dentist, though I’d guess riding the bus next to some people counts as a second-hand exposure, if you asked me. Anyway, I suppose the name of a drug has to be edited out on the radio, so maybe this song is actually “explicit” and the radio-edited title would be “Sugar Is…” I might even just stick with that, and let you fill in the blanks. Thanks for reading.

Compatibility Mode

Might take me awhile
To save this
Not the greatest
Like dated orchids
It’s fading
Can you tell I excel
With full access
Words to the point
That the outlook’s fantastic?
But then I’m
Not responding
I stop providing support
Like a baron absconding
With cash, it’s beyond me
How monthly fees
Replaced ownership on CDs
And everything is now
Up in the cloud
And who sits above it
There, looking down?
Laughing at us below
‘Cause we’re clowns
They can flip a switch, it’ll
Turn off the town
They can’t finish the software,
So it loads with updates
And why even stop there?
A new product
That’s laden with problems
The last one didn’t have
Now we have to solve them
I’m not saying we have
To look backwards
But when we move forward
Have all the facts first

I’m just a drone
That does as I’m told
And now getting old
Compatibility Mode
Don’t even own
What’s already been sold
System getting old
Compatibility Mode

Now it’s out on Digital
For three weeks
Long before the Blu-ray
Disc is released
But what you get is
The rights to the movie
Over a network
And there it’s confusing
Do I own the movie
Or do I not?
If the download doesn’t work
What have I got?
Not a lot
If the Internet stops
Paid too much
For a box office flop
At the risk of
Becoming a hoarder
I stack DVDs like
A wall at the border
Or steel slats
You feel that digression?
A dip in the road
Or some call it depression
How much
Are we giving up our power
Every single hour
Until we’re devoured?

I’m just a drone
That does as I’m told
And now getting old
Compatibility Mode
Don’t even own
What’s already been sold
System getting old
Compatibility Mode

Swipe right
With a tablet, it’s a fight
Fingers too big
For the letters that I type
Not good at the
Copying and pasting
Without a right click
It’s all the time I’m wasting
Kids watching the creepy vids
On YouTube
Talk about things that to me
Are voodoo
I don’t get it
The Roblox and Minecraft
How do they succeed
With graphics that are so bad?
And I don’t like it
They made chats so easy
Words on a screen
Can feel like they’re screaming
Checked my messages
One was fake blackmail
Got no secrets to hide–
I’m thinking that failed
Here’s one, in case
They start asking:
Spent a year looking at girls
On Live Jasmin
While my wife
Was living with some dude
And now I’m screwed
All because of a computer
Made a joke at one time
On Facebook
And never lived it down
It made her think I hated her
Sometimes I think
My worst nature
Is all the result of
What I wouldn’t say to her
But what happens online
Should maybe end there
Play in that world
There’s no need to live there

I’m just a drone
That does as I’m told
And now getting old
Compatibility Mode
Don’t even own
What’s already been sold
System getting old
Compatibility Mode

 

Commentary:

I thought I’d sum up my frustrations with the new digital era, and of course, ended up including some rather personal things about myself.  Somewhat wanted to say some of those things to admit my own faults.  I certainly made my share of mistakes that damaged my marriage, some of them directly related to this era of technology/social media/questionable Internet use.  I have to live with that.  If I ever embarrassed her with anything I said online, I needed to embarrass myself, too, if possible.

Moving on, I guess I never imagined there’d be a time you could buy a movie and then not be able to watch it because it’s “out there” somewhere.  That’s a big pet peeve about all this tech.  I like to stay just behind the cutting edge so I can try to think about what might go wrong with it.  Of course, much of that is just not having money for the latest tech, so…

Anyway, thanks for reading, if you actually read it.  I expect plenty of good, uh, phishing or Russian romance scam e-mails from “Oksana” or “Ekaterina” or whoever, ‘looking for a male who’s 30 years old or older, etc., etc., e-mail me at an address that isn’t the one I’m sending the e-mail from and I’ll send you pics’, because that makes sense.  (sigh)  That’s a small joke.  But it would be pretty funny if “Ekaterina” was sitting there wondering why I won’t answer all her e-mails.  If so, sorry about that, but I’m taken.  I wonder if that’s the premise for that anime I’ve not watched, And You Thought There Is Never A Girl Online?  Alright, clearly I’m just messing around tonight.  Until next time.

You Gave Him Everything

I cried myself to sleep
But not from lack of crying
I still think about you and him
Instead of me
Ahead of me
He’ll always be
I try
To forgive
But here
Must I live
This way?

It feels like you would run to him
What was it that you’d done to him?
Was it fun with him
And not me?
You gave him everything

I gave a decade of my life
Committed all to you, my wife
But you took that and walked away
And still that day
Doesn’t go away
I can hear you say
You won’t
Come back
But then
In fact
You stab
Attack
Here I bleed
And still here when you need
I ask, why should I be?

It feels like you would run to him
What was it that you’d done to him?
Was it fun with him
And not me?
You gave him everything

If he showed you what love is
Did he change diapers on the kids?
Did he ever wash any dish?
Grant any wish?
Or was he just rich?
If he showed you what love is
Did you tear his heart out just the same?
Did you beat him at the lying game?
It’s a crying shame
And you haven’t changed
That’s why I’m still in pain

It feels like you would run to him
What was it that you’d done to him?
Was it fun with him
And not me?
You gave him everything
What’s left to give to me?

 

Commentary:

I was just trying to sleep, and got to thinking about some painful things and crying a bit.  It’s been a stressful week.  Maybe it’s unhealthy to post online about something this personal.  But maybe I have myself to blame, anyway, for everything.  It made for an interesting, emotional song, but it’s probably best to just let it speak for itself.  Thanks for reading.

My Mortality

Life is a joke
With a punchline behind it
A journey with
Few answers to find and
I don’t have a sense of humor
Today
Not into the latest rumors
You’ll say
A lot on my mind and
Too undecided
And still one thing of
Which I’m reminded

My morality
Correlates with causality
And every scene is of
My mortality
My reality
Is nothing but a fallacy
And every meaning ends with
My mortality

The smoke of lies and
I’m still here blinded
With each new day worried
I’ll be blindsided
But maybe I can fool you
Today
Say everything is cool with
Decay
It’s on my mind and
Death not far behind it
It’s the one thing of
Which I’m reminded

My morality
Correlates with causality
And every scene is of
My mortality
My reality
Is nothing but a fallacy
And every meaning ends with
My mortality

Inherent danger
In angst and anger
And life is strange, but
Death is stranger
We’re killing time
And we’re waiting for it
But really time
Is the killing one, yet I
Don’t even mind
‘Cause we’re
Still surviving
For now alive
But still I am reminded

My morality
Correlates with causality
And every scene is of
My mortality
My reality
Is nothing but a fallacy
And every meaning ends with
My mortality

 

Commentary:

I was feeling a little bleak and wrote this one. One of the side effects of mild depression is, as I understand it, thinking about death. I don’t suppose I’ve been in the area of self-harm for a long time, but I do worry a lot about death. I keep telling myself not to, because it only happens once, and then it’s over.

The search for meaning continues.  Everything that I give a part of myself to, I wonder, will it count for anything?  I know I won’t be remembered at a job or a company for anything.  I’ve left my faith behind.  I don’t think highly of my efforts as husband and father, especially given some of the songs I’ve posted here about very personal matters that arguably should have remained private, even at the cost of keeping the songs it inspired hidden from view.  So there are issues, there, in wondering if who I am, what I’m capable of, means something.  Or worse, if it means something bad.

Perhaps I should just follow the advice of Hazel Grace in The Fault in Our Stars and just ignore it, instead of worrying about oblivion.  I can’t believe I read that book and still had to web search for her name, but here we are.  Anyway, that’s all.  Thanks for reading.