Blink Twice

I’m feeling trapped
Like a captive
Stuck at home
In a room and I can’t live
Feel alone in a
Crowded room
And there’s a place
To be candid
About the love that I have
But I can’t give
And yet I’m
Going crazy to
And going crazy, too

I blink twice
‘Cause I need help
I can’t say it to you
So can you come here
And rescue me
And I’ll cling to you desperately
I blink twice
I blink twice
For my real life
‘Cause I feel like

My hair is long
And it is unkempt
It’s been awhile
Since I really slept
There’s no one next to me
On twenty-year-old sheets
And it was wrong
The way you left
And then you gave me
A silence spell–
I shouldn’t say these things
What if she’s listening?

I blink twice
‘Cause I need help
I can’t say it to you
So can you come here
And rescue me
And I’ll cling to you desperately
I blink twice
I blink twice
For my real life
‘Cause I feel like

Somebody knows me
The door is closing
And what I’m hoping
Is when you stole me
It was only
Because you’re lonely

And not just that
You’re really so bad
That you would play act
Just to get a paycheck
You didn’t know me
So why control me?

I want to break free
So that’s why lately

I blink twice
‘Cause I need help
I can’t say it to you
So can you come here
And rescue me
And I’ll cling to you desperately
I blink twice
I blink twice
For my real life
‘Cause I feel like
I don’t belong to you

Commentary:

It’s been awhile since I’ve written anything. I messed up and didn’t keep enough money around to keep the ads off the blog, and I’m sorry about that, because it really makes the site hard to peruse sometimes. Hopefully I can deal with that, but not anytime soon. (It’s almost tempting to ask for a small donation to keep the ads off, but I’m just not that kind of person. Besides, does anyone really think this is worth paying for? I don’t exactly have music producers knocking down my door for songs. Y’all would tell me if you heard this on the radio, though, right? Right?? A brother has bills to pay, too, you know. Then don’t post it on the Internet, someone might very well steal it! Come on!)

Anyway, my situation in life has changed because of some unexpected events. I’ve had to spend a lot of time stuck in a difficult and increasingly stressful circumstance, and this song is somewhat about that, somewhat not.

I took the metaphor of being held captive and wanted to convey the sense of wanting to be freed, but not necessarily from the relationship (that I’m not supposed to talk about here)–hence the lines “I can’t say it to you/So can you come here and rescue me”. There’s a bit of playing on the idea of actually coming to love your captor, as well, in that. There’s also some playing with the concept of not being able to talk about my relationship online for fear of upsetting her, especially with the lines “And then you gave me a silence spell–/I shouldn’t say these things/What if she’s listening?”

There’s more I wish I could say, as it’s been awhile since I took time to write about my feelings. I’ve been busy, stressed, or tired and wanting to tune out and disconnect from my feelings. I’m sure I was close to an anxiety attack last night. I was in therapy and had to quit going, so a lot of feelings have gotten bottled up again. It’s been a time of great uncertainty. I don’t know if anyone’s even reading this, but I wish I could tell you. Yes, of course, tell all the total strangers.

Alright, I’ve said enough. Thanks for reading.

Make You Happy

I know you like a challenge
You make my heart race like a stallion
I would wear all your medallions
Make your arguments invalid
‘Cause I know you like the wild ones
I’ll make you forget all about them
Show you all the different styles of
Every little bit that I love

Baby I can make you happy
Give it to you most exactly
Baby I can make you happy
Show you everything you’re lacking

I know you may not believe me
And I know you don’t need me
I’ll have you begging, pleading
For me to stay when I am leaving
Even if I’m going down the block
Have you desperately ’round the clock
Wanting everything that I have got
Got you going so it never stops

Baby I can make you happy
Give it to you most exactly
Baby I can make you happy
Show you everything you’re lacking

Baby I know that you’re not used to
Good things happening
Why can’t you see everything you do
Leads you back to me?
And if you would let your heart be open
And speak of the thing we’ve left unspoken
Real love
It’s what we dream of

Baby I can make you happy
(Baby I can make you happy)
Give it to you most exactly
(If you would only have me)
Baby I can make you happy
(I know that love is everlasting)
Show you everything you’re lacking
(Baby don’t act like it’s a bad thing)
Baby I can make you happy
Like a dream that’s really happening
Baby I can make you happy
If only you’re willing to have me

Commentary:

This song actually was an attempt at a cleaner version of a very different song I had in mind. I won’t get into what the lyrics would have been for that alternate song, but I like this one. It’s risen to the top of the charts in my imagination. Thanks for reading.

I Don’t Appreciate It

Everyone dropping
Albums at the last second
And I don’t appreciate it
I don’t appreciate it
Everyone wants to be
The next legend
And I don’t appreciate it
I don’t appreciate it

Smoke filled rooms
That I can’t even relate to
Dancing moons
That I can’t put a shape to
Its crescendo,
Is it like a heavenly opening?
And anything goes
As long as it’s down below me

I’m on the wrong side of a scarlet letter
And I don’t appreciate it
No, I don’t appreciate it
But I can’t talk about [redacted matters]
Well, I don’t appreciate it
I don’t appreciate it

No, no
I can’t go down like that
I fall
Face first through my bed
It’s 12 a.m.
Someone’s screaming ’bout a YouTube video
The latest thing
That maybe I don’t need to know
Then it’s 10 before sunrise
Now I really have to go
And the alarm is on
So really no more chance to snore

They’re always
Picking up the sharpest cheddar
And I don’t appreciate it
No, I don’t appreciate it
I tossed a chair that was reclining better
Because it depreciated
But I don’t appreciate it

And not everything is California
Talk about what we weren’t even born for
And when the Exit sign’s right above you
You realize no one ever really loves you
And it’s so hard
Happens so often
And y’all thinking that we’ve all forgotten
We can’t, y’all
We’ve been cancelled

I’m out here
Trying to get my act together
So I don’t appreciate it
I don’t appreciate it
‘Cause I know
Nothing here can last forever
If I don’t appreciate it
Who else will appreciate it?

For those of you
Who think I failed the mission
I don’t appreciate it
I’m unappreciated
I’m just here
Trying to do something different
So I don’t appreciate it
I don’t appreciate it
At all

Commentary:

This one was sort of random, and is intended to be a little bit funny, as well. I found myself a little inspired by Lana Del Rey, because it’s sort of…in some weird places in my head. Even so, I think it also ventures into melancholy and some depth, albeit temporarily. I’m just happy to have written another song recently, as it had been a dry spell for awhile. I was hoping for inspiration that wasn’t from my [redacted, Harm to Ongoing Matter]. That said, it’s good to know there’s something in there that isn’t driven by romance or depression.

I’ve been neglecting my work on the novel I want to write, but perhaps I’ll post an excerpt from that next time, just to see if it gets any attention. Because I’m desperate for attention, after all. Soooo desperate to find out that someone on this planet likes something I wrote. As Nick Fury once said, “You have made me very desperate.” Alright, too much. I’m being silly now. Until next time.

Fire and Ice

We’re like
Fire and ice
With that look in your eyes
I am melting inside
And yet
Burning so bright
With that look in your eyes
I get chills of desire
We’re like fire and ice

Why don’t you just
Listen to me, listen to me
If we get close together, then
We will be warm
Both our bodies
Glistening and barely breathing
So hot and humid before the storm

Baby, I’m cold inside
Trapped beneath an avalanche
Of arctic ice
And I’ve been told this lie
So many times I’ve often had
The coldest nights
I’m giving you the cold shoulder
I’m not so easy to fool–
I’m older
You think our love will snowball
But beneath it all
It’s only a boulder

We’re like
Fire and ice
With that look in your eyes
I am melting inside
And yet
Burning so bright
With that look in your eyes
I get chills of desire
We’re like fire and ice

Well, I won’t beg
You’ve got me pegged
But I can’t turn it down because of
What you’ve said
The heat only rises
And you realize this
I can see the way you’re melting
Deep in your eyes and
I feel the burn
As your shoulder turns
In slow motion
I can prove to you my devotion
I’d hold you tight
Like the moon does the ocean

You’ve broken the ice
But many a life
Has been taken from
Being so mistaken
I won’t let your eyes
Try to hypnotize me
The cold won’t let it end
The way you fantasized
‘Cause I think your warming
Is really a warning
So I’ll freeze
And chill until it makes you leave

We’re like
Fire and ice
With that look in your eyes
I am melting inside
And yet
Burning so bright
With that look in your eyes
I get chills of desire
We’re like fire and ice

We can’t be
In spite of how you look at me
And even a burn can freeze
You’ve got hold of me
What can I do to quench this and be free?

We’re like
Fire and ice
With that look in your eyes
I am melting inside
And yet
Burning so bright
With that look in your eyes
I get chills of desire
We’re like fire and ice
Fire and ice
Fire
And
Ice

Commentary:

It’s been awhile since I’ve posted anything. I’ve cleaned up things a bit, as I’m trying to avoid discussing anything too personal on the blog. I won’t go into the rationale behind that, save to say that it wasn’t the best judgment on my part. Odds are I’ve missed something, as I’ve not been as devoted to this blog as I wish I was.

Anyway, this is an idea for a song I’ve had in my head for a few days, and I finally found time to write something up. It’s a little sensual, but also ends unresolved. I tend to think that uh, Mr. Fire here did not fare so well, as he came on a little strong. But as my last song said, that’s just my opinion, man.
Just a personal point of view. Like a heart or a soul, it is something that’s unique to me, too. Thanks for reading.

That’s Just, Like, Your Opinion, Man

That’s just, like,
Your opinion, man
It’s a personal point of view
Like a heart or a soul
It’s something that’s unique to you

That’s just, like,
Your opinion, man
And I’m sure it’s important
Oh, that’s how you voted?
Oh, so that movie isn’t that cool?
And I’m here
Nodding my head
And pretending to notice
But it’s really quite hopeless
As inwardly I’m thinking that we’re fools

But that’s still my
Opinion, man
It’s a personal point of view
Like a heart or a soul
It’s something unique to me, too
Like when parents ask,
“Where’ve you been, young man?”
And he answers,
“Did you just assume my gender?”
“It is male, or don’t you remember?”
“No, I’m genderqueer!”
“Well, I’m kicking your rear!”
“Well, that’s just
Your opinion, Dad.
You’re from an era of rules that are long forgotten.”
“And yet, I have spoiled you rotten–
What a fool I was to have begotten!”

Well, that’s just, like,
His opinion, man–
But I use that in a general way
No, I certainly don’t mean to say
You are male, if that’s not how it lays
Because it’s
An opinion, man
Yes, a personal point of view
It’s unique to you
Not like glasses
Or like shoes oft regarded as classics
And sometimes I wish I’d not had access
To opinions of so many aspects

Like Twitter
How that rhymes with bitter
And Russian bots
Want to boycott Rian Johnson
And trailers for films
That portray themselves Honest
And people’s reactions
To a brand new Sonic
I really do find that it’s all
Quite moronic
And not much help ailing
Anxiety chronic

But that’s,
Just like,
My opinion, ma’am
At this point in life
And it cannot be wrong or right
At least not in reality’s sight
It’s not quantifiable
Not worth having fights
It’s just
An opinion

And opinions are words
There is no need to use them to hurt
There’s more than enough
On this Earth
To bring sorrow if we see tomorrow
So when you have
An opinion, man
I get it, I understand
But as Bill and Ted once wisely uttered,
Let us be excellent to each other
For in this brief life we are brothers
There is no need to injure our kindred
So let us be kinder instead

With our opinions

 

Commentary:

Yes, obviously, the Dude.  I am not actually a big fan of Mr. Lebowski, who this is obviously referencing, though I’ve seen that film, The Big Lebowski, once.  Thought it was pretty unusual.  Perhaps one might enjoy it while under the influence of something, but otherwise, just not for me.

Hmm.  It was a random moment I had, when I broke out into song, in my head, as I was walking one day.  And I just went with wherever the song carried me, and much of this was the end result–or at least enough of it that I decided to write the song.  Of course, certainly some opinions are wrong–many of the opinions humanity has clung to have even been detrimental for a very long time.  So this is sort of a joke song, but…also intended to just say, even if you really despised a movie, or you don’t agree with someone, you can still be kind to each other.  Often I just prefer not to say anything at all if I think I might say something hurtful to someone.

But, yeah, that’s just my opinion.  So…here we are.  It’s been awhile since I’ve posted anything, because I haven’t been very inspired.  I’ve been writing my book, but it’s not going as well as I’d like, and I’ve no idea if it’s any good.  Might consider posting an excerpt or two from it in the future.  Anyway, thanks for reading, if you’re still out there.

Cube Life

Some days it’s too hot
And some days it’s freezing
And just a cube over
She’s coughing and sneezing
And people are sneaky
Sometimes they steal things
Even though my lunch is cheap
It’s not made of real things
The lights go out often
They’re triggered by movement
I work in a coffin
Though maybe it’s too big

I’m living that CUBE LIFE
I’m living that CUBE LIFE
I’m living that CUBE LIFE
I’m livin’ it
I’m livin’ it
I’m living that CUBE LIFE
I’m living that CUBE LIFE
I’m living that CUBE LIFE
I’m livin’ it
I’m livin’ it
I’m livin’ it

It’s deep vein thrombosis
And maybe psychosis
It’s nearly hypnosis
And then scoliosis
I twinkle my toes and
I know that it’s hopeless
I’m losing my focus
And mentally frozen
The lighting is so dim
And triggered by motion
And every emotion
Can tear me right open

I’m living that CUBE LIFE
I’m living that CUBE LIFE
I’m living that CUBE LIFE
I’m livin’ it
I’m livin’ it
I’m living that CUBE LIFE
I’m living that CUBE LIFE
I’m living that CUBE LIFE
I’m livin’ it
I’m livin’ it
I’m livin’ it

Don’t understand why people need this
And every day I think of leaving
But then I think of horrible FRESH AIR
And then I don’t care
You won’t see me out there

I’m living that CUBE LIFE
I’m living that CUBE LIFE
I’m living that CUBE LIFE
I’m livin’ it
I’m livin’ it
I’m living that CUBE LIFE
I’m living that CUBE LIFE
I’m living that CUBE LIFE
I’m livin’ it
I’m livin’ it
I’m livin’ it

 

Commentary:

I had a random, funny thought and decided to go with it.  This song is needlessly upbeat, given the subject matter.  I look forward to continuing to disappear into the relative anonymity of existence until finally even my digital remains return to oblivion, and that’s why this song is so very important.  “That’s why it’s so important.  It separates us from them.”–Bruce Wayne, ‘Batman Begins’, 2005.  Out of context Bat-quotes aside, who doesn’t love the crushing weight of decades of monotony inside a cubicle, you know?  It could be a lot worse.  Believe me, I’m actually quite grateful for that CUBE LIFE.  So…thanks for reading, and try not to regret following my blog too much, okay?  Until next time.

 

I Believe in Love (inspired by ‘Wonder Woman’ (2017))

Never have I seen a
Face like yours before and
Never had I dreamed of
One I’d go to war for
I look in your eyes and
I can see the truth of
Everything in me and
Everything that you are

It’s not about deserve or
Who is good enough
I learned that from you and
I believe in love
The last words I heard I’ll
Cherish like your touch
I learned that from you and
I believe in love

Even when I’ve lost all
Faith in what could be, you
Still hold onto hope and
You inspire me
I’ll love you for all time
And your bravery
You showed me what true love is
By doing something

It’s not about deserve or
Who is good enough
I learned that from you and
I believe in love
The last words I heard I’ll
Cherish like your touch
I learned that from you and
I believe in love

I wish we
Had more time
You were once
By my side
Fighting for
Every life
You and I
Crystallized
You and those
Perfect eyes
I know you
Couldn’t lie
For the truth
Is that I’ve
Loved you for
My whole life
Even through
Centuries
We are still
Meant to be
There is no
Enemy
That can keep
You from me

It’s not about deserve or
Who is good enough
I learned that from you and
I believe in love
The last words I heard I’ll
Cherish like your touch
I learned that from you and
I believe in love

 

Commentary:

I suddenly remembered some of the music I’d toyed around with in my head, sort of slowing down the Wonder Woman theme from the 2017 film (originating with the Junkie XL/Hans Zimmer Batman v Superman soundtrack), and it occurred to me how beautiful it can sound if you soften it a bit. It easily becomes a love theme, if you can imagine it. I really do need to learn to play the piano someday.

I had this mental image of a scene sort of like from the 1978 Superman film, with that music playing and Diana and Steve flying through the air. I’d never given thought to putting words to it, but it hit me today that I could, so I gave it a try. Maybe I’m just in a DC Comics/DCEU mood lately, with Aquaman just coming out on Blu-ray/DVD/4K UHD/Digital (shameless free advertising, sorry about that). Plus I felt a little emotional today, so it was a matter of time before a song showed up. Thanks for reading.

Ask the Sea for Mercy (Rap inspired by ‘Aquaman’ [2018])

I’ll bring the raps
Of the Seven Seas with me
Quickly, trust that
You’ll never forget me
It’s a world undiscovered
Unfathomed
My mic is a trident
I’ll throw it back at ’em
It’s like magic
Or maybe a Black Adam
Turn ’em into atoms
Or plankton when I smack ’em
Black Manta
You’ll have to ask your manager
Can’t handle the damage
I left you broke, dismantled ya
Think I’m a joke?
I control the oceans
The power of its motion
Is stronger than your explosions
I’ve forgotten stuff
You’ll never learn
Gotten more treasures than
You’ll ever earn
The depth of my game
Is what you’ve never seen
In a submarine
You would just invite suffering
Not as tough as me
You can’t survive at crush depth
Up against the Trench
It’s just death
So tip the crown
When I come around
If you disrespect, expect
You will drown

If you ever even think
To hurt me
Down on your knees
And ask the sea for mercy
I can solve you
With a dolphin surfing
Down on your knees
And ask the sea for mercy

And there are species
Completely believed to be extinct
That I’ve seen
And they’re sweeter than you’d think
I’ve got your lands
In the palm of my hands
I could squeeze and your fleets
Disappear in the deep sea
It’s not worth it
To have to rebuild
I can wield with a skill
That’ll leave you all killed
My trident cuts deeper than Justice League
Was cut by Joss Whedon
The sea
Is full of heathens
‘Cause deep down it’ll
Leave you not breathing
Leave you choked, groping
For something to believe in
Even Poseidon
Calls me up for guidance
So try this–
Guess whose surface area’s widest?
I hear silence
When I’m holding the trident
Krakens won’t try it
And barracudas compliant
So ask yourself
Who you’d like as clients:
Multi-billionaires
Or Atlantean science?

If you ever even think
To hurt me
Down on your knees
And ask the sea for mercy
I can solve you
With a dolphin surfing
Down on your knees
And ask the sea for mercy

You could think
I’m useless on land
You don’t understand
But you’re welcome to try a hand
It’s a fat chance
I hope MRIs and CAT scans
Are fully covered by your health plans
Don’t need permission
I come aboard
You got a sword,
But I can hit you with a surf board
Or just imagine the shadow
Of a three hundred meter crustacean
As it tramples down your nations
So maybe have a hesitation
Because you do not have
The upper hand situation
My patience
Is not to be tried
The ocean is filled with
Failed attempts at regicide
It’s time for false kings
To step aside
Because the King of the Seven Seas
Arrives on the King Tide
He brings the fish to the people
Aquaman, Arthur Curry is unequaled

If you ever even think
To hurt me
Down on your knees
And ask the sea for mercy
I can solve you
With a dolphin surfing
Down on your knees
And ask the sea for mercy

 

Commentary:

I’d started on an ‘Aquaman’-inspired rap sometime ago, but just didn’t feel inspired for awhile, so I left it until I was ready to write more.  I was listening to the ‘Aquaman’ soundtrack and heard the Pitbull song and thought, gee, I should go back and actually write something.  Well, honestly, I was thinking ‘I could do better than that’, but…that’s a matter of opinion, and meaningless, since one of us is not successful and writes rhymes for free, and the other is well, Mr. Worldwide, I guess?  I’m not up on this sort of thing, I just write them, I don’t actually listen to them much.  Well, anyway, for all five of you who actually read this, thanks for reading.

Sugar Is _____ _______

I mix beats
That get the fleet on their feet
And out their seats
Like a 3-Meat Treat
The dance floor
Is a cancer
My rhymes are the answer, like spells
To a necromancer
Rappers apparate
Acting like fashion plates
When my tectonic state
Shakes up the common day
Your structure
May fluctuate, undulate
This production can function
Like a head of state
We’ve been great
You’re in late, you fakers
They made a mistake
In tolerating your statements
In this for life or
Till I become a writer
That writes right
They follow me like the Pied Piper
And now I’m hyper
And spiked like Sean Bean
In wrong scenes
And so sweet
That you can call me

Sugar is _____ _______
Sugar is _____ _______
Sugar is _____ _______
Sugar is _____ _______

Now to read this
Continuation of my thesis
Exegesis never pleases
I’ll believe it
When I see it
I decree that
Like police that’ll hit your knees
At the kneecap
At a speed trap
Didn’t need that
As a recap
I can speed rap
If I wanted to
But I slow it down
Otherwise
What you gonna do?
What’s it coming to?
It’s in front of you
Staring like the truth
Can’t deny the proof
It is like your shoes
Tied it right to you
Staring like a fool
Rhyme is like my tool
Here to fight for you
Now it’s time to choose
There’s no time to lose
Shift it down to cruise
Hit that button snooze
Like my soul is bruised
Got control of you
Nothing left to do

Sugar is _____ _______
Sugar is _____ _______
Sugar is _____ _______
Sugar is _____ _______

They stack bags of it
Wrapped in plastic
It’s in your basket
It can put you in a casket
A teaspoon
Released you
It takes you by the middle
And defeats you
Leaves you deceased too
Your doctor says
You should stop using it
Start refusing it
But that cake is calling me
I’m chewing it
Mix it in a bowl
Then we heat it up
And we eat it up
From young to old age
Can’t eat enough
It’s the number one killer
But no charges
And the hardest hit
Crave still more chocolate
And no rules
Control you
It’s the ice cream tub that
Consoles you and holds you
I told you
That sugar is cr*** c*****e
But it’s legal
And maybe less evil
But lethal
So think twice
At the checkout lane
‘Cause that little slice of cane
Might drive you insane

Sugar is _____ _______
Sugar is _____ _______
Sugar is _____ _______
Sugar is _____ _______

 

Commentary:

I had this idea of a more mainstream, black-and-white rap album cover with this as the title track.  (For whatever reason, you’re supposed to do a black-and-white photo as your album cover at some point. It’s a rule.) The idea has been stuck in my head for awhile, and suddenly this rhyme showed up, even though two of the verses are really just whatever happened to come to mind, and the third actually has something to do with the title. It’s a little bizarre, but then, at this point, what is normal anymore? Regardless, I just felt really good about the rhymes and kept going. That second verse was sort of the equivalent of a sugar high, in that it just goes off the rails compared to the rest of the song, and I could almost hear it without music, as if it’s slam poetry or something. Hmm. Maybe it could work because of that.

In no way am I making light of the serious health issues that come from too much sugar consumption, or of drugs. Say no to drugs, kids. (Apparently, some of them are legal now, so I feel like, well, the Persian Cat Room Guardian Meme, for lack of a better term.)  I, too, struggle with trying to eat less sugar, but have never used anything other than coffee or chocolate when it comes to addictive substances. The doctor did give me antidepressants and sleeping pills for a time, but I don’t use either anymore. That’s pretty much the entire history of my drug use. Yes, despite my dental surgeon feeling the need to ask if I smoked marijuana–no, not even once, my dear dentist, though I’d guess riding the bus next to some people counts as a second-hand exposure, if you asked me. Anyway, I suppose the name of a drug has to be edited out on the radio, so maybe this song is actually “explicit” and the radio-edited title would be “Sugar Is…” I might even just stick with that, and let you fill in the blanks. Thanks for reading.

My Mortality

Life is a joke
With a punchline behind it
A journey with
Few answers to find and
I don’t have a sense of humor
Today
Not into the latest rumors
You’ll say
A lot on my mind and
Too undecided
And still one thing of
Which I’m reminded

My morality
Correlates with causality
And every scene is of
My mortality
My reality
Is nothing but a fallacy
And every meaning ends with
My mortality

The smoke of lies and
I’m still here blinded
With each new day worried
I’ll be blindsided
But maybe I can fool you
Today
Say everything is cool with
Decay
It’s on my mind and
Death not far behind it
It’s the one thing of
Which I’m reminded

My morality
Correlates with causality
And every scene is of
My mortality
My reality
Is nothing but a fallacy
And every meaning ends with
My mortality

Inherent danger
In angst and anger
And life is strange, but
Death is stranger
We’re killing time
And we’re waiting for it
But really time
Is the killing one, yet I
Don’t even mind
‘Cause we’re
Still surviving
For now alive
But still I am reminded

My morality
Correlates with causality
And every scene is of
My mortality
My reality
Is nothing but a fallacy
And every meaning ends with
My mortality

 

Commentary:

I was feeling a little bleak and wrote this one. One of the side effects of mild depression is, as I understand it, thinking about death. I don’t suppose I’ve been in the area of self-harm for a long time, but I do worry a lot about death. I keep telling myself not to, because it only happens once, and then it’s over.

The search for meaning continues.  Everything that I give a part of myself to, I wonder, will it count for anything?  I know I won’t be remembered at a job or a company for anything.  I’ve left my faith behind.  I don’t think highly of my efforts as husband and father, especially given some of the songs I’ve posted here about very personal matters that arguably should have remained private, even at the cost of keeping the songs it inspired hidden from view.  So there are issues, there, in wondering if who I am, what I’m capable of, means something.  Or worse, if it means something bad.

Perhaps I should just follow the advice of Hazel Grace in The Fault in Our Stars and just ignore it, instead of worrying about oblivion.  I can’t believe I read that book and still had to web search for her name, but here we are.  Anyway, that’s all.  Thanks for reading.