Monthly Archives: April 2014

Not Matt Damon, Scene A-3: At Home

Emily: Matthew. There’s something I’ve wanted to talk to you about.

Matthew:  What’s wrong, Emily?  You look upset.

Emily: Well, it’s just…you look a lot like Matt Damon—like, a lot like him.  I’m starting to wonder if you really are Matt Damon, and…you’re just pretending to be Matthew so you don’t have to be Matt anymore.

Matthew: Look, we’ve been through this.  I thought we’d moved past this, Emily.  Listen…just watch the Academy Awards with me tonight. Matt Damon will be there, so you’ll know for sure I’m not him.

Emily [rolling her eyes]: Right, like Matt Damon doesn’t have a body double. [Turns on TV]

Commercial [shows images of a psychologist, played by Matt Damon, studying patients]: Matt Damon stars in a moving, cerebral film about finding oneself in others… Not Myself.  Rated PG-13.

George Clooney [On TV]: We’d like to thank Matt Damon, who can’t be here tonight.

[Emily glances at Matthew as if he’s been caught in a lie.]

George Clooney [On TV]: He’s been very immersed in his role and honestly, we’ve not heard from him in awhile, so…our thoughts are with you, buddy.  I’m pleased to announce the nominees for Best Actor… [applause]

[Emily turns off the TV.  Matthew is dumbfounded; he looks at Emily. She looks at him, shakes her head, tears forming in her eyes.]

Emily: Goodbye, Matt. We’re done here.

Matthew: No, please! No!

Emily: So…how do you explain this, Matthew? Or is it just Matt? Are you him? Are you Matt Damon?

Matthew: No. I’m not.

Emily: We just saw the commercial together, Matt.  So you’re telling me he just happens to have a movie about the exact same job you have, with the exact same patient?

Matthew: Yes.

Emily: So was it all an act, Matt? Was I just ‘gearing you up for a role’??

Matthew: It’s not an act. I’m not Matt Damon, I promise you!

Emily: Maybe you don’t know who you are anymore, Matt. I know I sure don’t.

Matthew: I know who I am, and I know who I’m not.  I’m not Matt Damon.

Emily: You know what? You’re a good liar, you know that? Hmph. You’re good. Bye, Matthew. Break a leg, okay? [She leaves.]

Matthew: I’m not Matt–[The door slams.] I’m not Matt Damon. I’m not.

[He starts looking through his collection for Matt Damon movies.] I’m not him.

[He finds The Bourne Identity, starts watching it.  Time passes, as he shakes his head in disbelief.]

I can’t do that. I’m not like that at all. Why would he…? What?  This is so stupidly unbelievable.  I mean, nobody would survive that.  Why isn’t he injured?  Why does anyone even like him?  Why?!

[He presses the Stop button and frantically sorts through his movies to find another Matt Damon film to watch…]

[Meanwhile, the real Matt Damon, who was on his way to the Academy Awards, has a flat tire on the road…]

Not Matt Damon, Scene A-2–After Work/Commute

[Jason Botmin gets into Matthew ‘s car.  Matthew starts the car and pulls off.]

Jason: Hey, Matthew, how’s it going? Good day?

Matthew: Yeah, not bad. You?

Jason: Fine.

[Jason stares at him. Matthew glances at him.]

Matthew: What?

Jason: What do you mean what?

Matthew: I mean what?  Why are you looking like that?

Jason: So…are you studying for a role or something?

Matthew: What? [laughs] Not this again.  Look, I’m not who you think I am.

Jason: You kidding? I mean, you look just like him. What are the odds a guy named Matthew Damensen happens to look like Matt Damon?

Matthew: Well, I’m not him. Sorry.

Jason: So how was Elysium, by the way?  Did you ever make it up there?

Matthew: Don’t start.

Jason: Okay. You say you’re not Matt Damon, I guess I have to believe you.

[Car pulls up to traffic light. Two women look over at them.]

Women:   OH MY GOD, IT’S MATT DAMON!  [They pull out their cell phones to snap photos]  We love your movies, Mr. Damon! Hi!

Matthew [smiles politely]: Sorry ladies, I’m not him! You got the wrong guy!

Woman 1: Are you sure? You look just like him!

Matthew: Yeah, I’m pretty sure who I am!  I’m not Matt Damon! Trust me!

Women: Oookay!  [They drive off laughing]

Jason: Wow, what a curse it must be to look like Matt Damon.  Don’t tell me you’ve never been tempted to pretend—

Matthew: No. Absolutely not.  [He grows solemn and quiet.] Absolutely not…

Not Matt Damon, Scene A-1: Hospital, Therapy Session 1

Note**: This is where the idea and story of ‘Not Matt Damon’ begins.  I thought I would put the previous scenes on this blog to provide context for the scene I first posted.  Everything starting here leads up to that.  In this scene, we begin with Matthew Damensen (Matt Damon) and Joseph Koblinzski (John DiMaggio)…

 

Scene A-1:

Hospital, Therapy session 1:

 

Matthew: So, how are you Joseph?

Joseph [Looks at Matthew]: That’s not my name. My name is Matt Damon. Say it. Matt. Damon.

Matthew: Okay, we’re starting off on the wrong foot here. I’m Matthew, and…what’s your name?

Joseph:  I’m Matt Damon.

Matthew: Okay…Hi, Matt.

Joseph: Hello, how are you?

Matthew: Okay, so…why do you believe you’re Matt Damon?

Joseph: Isn’t it obvious? Because I AM Matt Damon!

Matthew: Listen…maybe…is it possible you’re not Matt Damon, at any point in your day, do you ever think, I might not be Matt Damon?

Joseph: Do you ever think, I’m not Matthew? So why would I think I’m not Matt Damon?

Matthew: But, you don’t mean…THE Matt Damon, do you?

Joseph: There are no other Matt Damons. There is only me. Matt Damon.

Matthew: So, okay, let’s try something else. What movies were you in?

Joseph: What, you haven’t seen my movies? You’re, you’re not here for an autograph?

Matthew: I’m here to talk to you, Jo–Matt. About you.

Joseph: See, there you go again. You almost called me Joe. But I’m not–did you ever see ‘The Adjustment Bureau’? With me, Matt Damon?

Matthew [smiles]: Uh…you know, I don’t really watch a lot of movies.

Joseph: Well, you should. Why don’t we watch it now?

Matthew: Mr. Koblinzski, I’m not here to watch movies with you. I’m here to help you.

Joseph: Well, did you bring a DVD player? That’d help!

Matthew: So…let’s get off the subject of movies, then. What if I told you that you’re not Matt Damon? What would you do?

Joseph:   If you can prove to me that I’m not Matt Damon, I will change my name to Joseph Koblinzski. Okay? I will change my name.

Matthew [takes out picture of Matt Damon]: Let’s look at this picture. Who is this?

Joseph: Matt Damon.

Matthew [takes out picture of Joe]: And who is this?

Joseph: Well that’s not Matt Damon.

Matthew: …  This is what you look like. This is your picture. So are you Matt Damon?

Joseph: This is not what I look like. You already showed me what I look like, because I am Matt Damon. Is something wrong with you?  Why would you come here and show me a picture of some guy and try to tell me I look like him? Huh? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?!

Matthew: Look, we just need to calm down—

Joseph: I AM CALM! YOU LOST CONTROL! YOU DID! NOT ME!

Matthew: I’m just trying to—

Joseph: I know what you’re trying to do! It won’t work! You can’t lie to me! I know the truth! I AM MATT DAMON! I AM MATT DAMON!! AAGH!

Matthew: Okay, we’re done. Let’s get him out of here.

Joseph: AAAAGH! I AM MATT DAMON!!! I AM MATT DAMOOON!!

Not Matt Damon, Scene U-6

Dramatis Personae (and hypothetical cast who would portray them):

Matthew Damensen (Matt Damon), psychologist

Matt Damon (Matt Damon), actor

Joseph Koblinzski (John DiMaggio), mental patient who believes he is Matt Damon

Emily Lauder (Emily Blunt), Matthew’s girlfriend

Jason Botmin (Jason Bateman), Matthew’s friend and fellow psychologist

Chris Helmsley (Chris Hemsworth), Matt Damon’s bodyguard

Dr. Ben Affledge (Ben Affleck), psychologist

 

Matthew: My name is Matthew Damensen.  I’m a psychologist at a mental institution.  I also happen to look exactly like actor Matt Damon.  This has become my curse.  Through a series of strange coincidences, I have become Matt Damon’s mortal enemy.  He has made me a prisoner in the very hospital where I used to help people and has taken over my life.  I am….

NOT MATT DAMON

Previously in Not Matt Damon:

Matt: I’m just–why so interested in inviting Jason?

Emily: He’s your best friend, Matthew.  I thought that would be fine.

Matt: Are you seeing him now?

Emily: You’re hurting me, and this isn’t like you.

Matt: Maybe I’ve changed.

Emily: Ugh!  Goodbye, Matthew! 

 

Scene U-6: The Park

[Emily walks alone down the sidewalk, tears in her eyes.  She stops to sit on a park bench, where Chris happens to be doing a crossword puzzle.  He looks over and smiles kindly at her, not noticing her sadness.  He does a double take and sees she is crying.]

Chris:  Excuse me. It…You seem very upset.  Is everything alright?

Emily [looks up at him and smiles tersely]:  Huh.  Not really.  My jerk of an ex-boyfriend accused me of cheating on him.  He thinks he’s hot stuff because looks like Matt Damon, but he’s empty on the inside.  Ugh!  I’m just–I’m just glad it’s over, you know?  I really am.  He really was a screwed-up person inside.

Chris:  Really?  How so?  Uh, forgive me if I am intruding.

Emily [sniffling]:  No, no, it’s perfectly fine.  I’m just glad to have someone to talk to, Mr.?  I’m sorry, I don’t even know your name and I’m all a mess here.

Chris [smiles]:  Chris Helmsley.  And you are?

Emily:  I’m Emily.  Nice to meet you, Chris.  I’ve never seen you around here before, are you new to the area?

Chris:  Visiting, actually.

Emily:  On business?

Chris:  You could say that.  But I really do take pleasure in my work.

Emily:  What do you do for a living?

Chris [holding up his folded newspaper]:  Crossword puzzles.  Ha.

[Emily rolls her eyes and shakes her head, trying but failing to stifle a smile.]

Chris:  Seriously though, I work in security.  I protect people.

Emily [checking him out]:  Wow, a bodyguard, huh?  You look to have the muscles for it.  You must lift a lot of crosswords.

Chris [laughs]:  It keeps me in shape.

Emily:  So are you protecting someone now?

Chris:  Sort of. He wants his space, but I’m trailing him.  Actually, your concerns and mine may well be common–shared, that is to say.

Emily [frowning]:  What do you mean?

Chris [suddenly becoming serious]:  It’s strange coincidence that you and I should meet, Emily.  What I am about to tell you, you must speak of to no one, lest it compromise the man I have sworn to protect.  And, I imagine, my continued employment.  You see, the man I am protecting…is Matt Damon.  You may have heard of him?  The actor?  He’s in the–

Emily:  Monuments Men.  [Her eyes widen.]  Are you telling me that I was dating…the real Matt Damon?

Chris:  I wish that were so.  You seem like a lovely woman. Sadly, you have become involved in an elaborate deception by a disturbed individual named Matthew Damensen.

Emily [standing and turning toward Chris]:  Matthew?!  What about Matthew?

Chris:  So you know this Matthew, then?

Emily:  He’s my ex-boyfriend! 

Chris:  How long have you known him?

Emily:  Long enough to know he is not capable of an elaborate deception of any kind.

Chris:  So he hasn’t been…erratic in any way?  Missing work?  Fixated on Matt Damon movies?

Emily:  Actually…he’s been all of that.  …  Why?

Chris:  This may disturb you, so I ask that you brace yourself.  I believe Matthew has successfully executed a plot to replace Matt Damon.  [He stands and looks at Emily with compassion.]  Matthew is a very sick man.  He may be capable of nearly anything.  I believe he set Matt Damon up to be committed to a mental hospital–the same hospital where he works.

[Emily turns away and does a facepalm.]

Emily [in anguish]:  Matthew….[turns to face Chris]  But why?  Why would he do this?  What’s he after?

Chris:  What would a man stand to gain from replacing his near-identical twin?

Emily:  Everything.  Another life.  Fame.  Fortune.  Power.  [swallows]  Any woman he wants.  You should see some of the things the women say about him on Twitter…

Chris:  Why?  Are they threatening him?

Emily:  Only with a bed and breakfast, if you take my meaning.  [scowling]  Matthew…you misogynistic monster!

Chris:  Would you like a chance to settle the score with him?  I can get Matt Damon out of the hospital, but I’ll need your help.

Emily:  You have it.  [Her hands curl into fists]…There is one thing.  When did the switch happen?  Do you know?

Chris:  I am not sure exactly when, but I suspect it coincided with the news reports of Matt Damon checking into the hospital. …  Thank you, Emily.

Emily:  Don’t thank me yet.  Let’s get to work.

Never Matt Damon Again – a song

This is going to seem totally random to the uninitiated as far as the saga of “Not Matt Damon”, but that’s okay.  I’ve been working on this comedy story about a psychologist who looks just like Matt Damon, who through a series of strange coincidences and events, ends up becoming the mortal enemy of the real Matt Damon.  Any similarity to the actual Matt Damon is of course, coincidental and unintended. I’d been putting it on Twitter, but I think the episodes/scenes will migrate here, to the Atin-Fi 328th Anniversary Clone Trooper Show…

Anyway, I was batting around titles for the second and third stories, after I’m done writing “Not Matt Damon”.  “Never Matt Damon Again” came to mind, and I was reminded of that James Bond ‘Thunderball’ clone ‘Never Say Never Again’…and so I wrote a parody song with that in mind, though it’s probably just taking the chorus from that one as the music:

Never Matt Damon Again

 

A Matthew now better

Has seen

And dreamed with the stars

But Matt

Matt Damon will get him

And make sure

He’s never Matt Damon again

 

He’ll say,

“Matthew!  You think you’re so clever.

But who can act better

Than one who is paid to pretend?

I’ll get this fool

Subject him to terror

And teach him to never

Never Matt Damon again.”

Never, never Matt Damon again [x 4]

 

It’s you and I

Our destinies tethered

It’s you, the trend-setter

And me, the trained psychologist

So it’s a duel

Of mind and of mettle

That we’ll finally settle

With you in an institution

 

He’ll say,

“Matt, you!  You think you’re so clever.

Can’t keep it together

Because you’re mentally unhinged.

I’ll prove to you

That you are in error

And teach you to never

Never Matt Damon again.”

Never, never Matt Damon again [x 4]

 

I’ll take you

I’ll fake you

I’ll beat you

Defeat you

And then we’ll know

Who of us is clever

Which one is the better

The better Matt Damon will win

So soon you’ll go

Down in all the records

As the one who’s never

Never Matt Damon again!

Never, never Matt Damon again [x 6]

Game Boy Quarter – a rap tribute to Game Boy’s 25th anniversary

Well, I had this thought of a rap for Game Boy’s 25th anniversary, and the tune for the first level of Robocop for Game Boy came to mind, although I kind of imagine it with more of a beat and a little more energy…

So, anyway, here goes Game Boy Quarter:

Mario
And his 6 Golden Coins
No quarters needed
Just a cartridge to join
Get in where you fit in
Scorin’ Tetris points
It’s Ragnarok’s World of
Exaggerated joints
Don’t be afraid of
A Bart Simpson medley
A boy with a shot
Of Escape From Camp Deadly
And stay steady
With the aim like SolarStriker
Amazing and ready
Like a neighborhood Spider-
Man, trash-talking on a
Walkie-talkie
With the villain of the week
Like friends over coffee
It’s not color
But the screen is green
Flick the gray button
Let the game begin

Chorus:
Game Boy
Is a quarter of a century
Game Boy
You will always be a friend to me
Game Boy
Hold you up to the sun to see
It’s Game Boy
And no other is as fun to me
Game Boy
It’s a blast from the past
Game Boy
You can keep Dreamcast
Game Boy
Unrivaled in the cast
Game Boy
You were built to last

Gray and blocky
Can’t fit into my pocket
But your name and fame
Shootin’ off like a rocket
Oh, Game Boy Pocket
We simply can’t stop it
Inferior to Game Gear
Yet we still topped it
On a sunny day
I can’t see what you say
But that wouldn’t stop me
Playing games anyway
Battletoads being chased
By a giant brain
But wait–Mother Brain
Wasn’t in the second game
Super Game Boy
Makes for less hassle
From Wario Land to
Bugs’ Crazy Castle
Don’t know how
But I think I might’ve broken mine
And got a spare
So I could play ’em all a second time
A game of Chessmaster
Serves as stress blaster
Older than a PS4
But plays faster
Wonder how many
Played Ren & Stimpy
In between classes
And biting on a Blimpie
You may have lowered
My college GPA
But I still wouldn’t trade
A second of gameplay
Fall of the Foot Clan
And Back from the Sewers
Super Mario Land
And Batman, too, ’cause it’s

[Chorus]

No downloadables
No need for updates
You got what you paid for
And it played so great
Your save game
Was called the Start button
And four Double-As in the back
Were worth something
Remember the attachments?
Magnifying glass
Lights on the side
And stereo blasts?
It was classic
So it really didn’t matter
Like Space Invaders
And extra Kong chapters
Everybody loved Game Boy Color
The birth of Pokemon
We all watched and wondered
Now the game’s changed
And Starmie uses Thunder
It’s like Damian Wayne
Is now the Boy Wonder
It’s an icon
Portable game legend
Twenty-five years
And still in my collection
So I decided to write
A rhyming verse or three
To say Game Boy,
Happy anniversary

[chorus]

Bricklayer, a gaming rap of sorts, I dare say

Anyone remember that game on Mac (well, I played it on Mac, at least), called Bricklayer? It was a clone of Tetris, but the music in my mind was quite memorable.

I’ve been thinking about chip hop ever since discovering Mega Ran’s excellent music (see megaranmusic.com for that one). I used to do a few Star Wars raps in my day, years ago, myself. Nothing official, of course, but I had a blog where I’d post them. Mostly I’d take music from popular rap songs and just put my own Star Wars related lyrics in it, not unlike a Weird Al Yankovic of sorts…

With that in mind, here’s what I came up with, for a song I call ‘Bricklayer’, with the music from that game in mind:

Bricklayer
Is a Mac clone of Tetris
You flip through the pages for answers
And getting desperate
You’re like a subject
Without a predicate
Or a guest at the table
Without etiquette
You checked quick
And got two moves until you’re mated
Wow, that was fast
We barely even dated
Restated:
You are in a very bad position
Created
By your insistence on rap revision
So I look back
For answers as we head forward
Like in Myst
I think the answer is around the corner

Chorus:
I got the paper to take you
I don’t fake on the haters
I’ll take the time to explain it
And you can think on it later
I got the paper to take you
I don’t fake on the haters
My rhymes so perfect in placement
They fit just like in Bricklayer

I’m bringing Doomsday
Ultimate Liftoff
I’m like the hands of fate
In a Double Dribble tipoff
Like Batman Forever
Your Kombat is a ripoff
I’m like Chun Li
I’ll step on your head and flip off
But it’s not a race
‘Cause I’m already gone like Sonic
I’m first place
And you wiped out like Mawhonic
If you don’t know who that is
Then watch the podrace
It’s like a Star Wars
Need for Speed car chase
But that’s more than enough of
Braggadocio
It’s time to explain the reason
Behind my chosen flow
The polar vortex and Mr. Freeze
Can’t freeze my dough
I get it fresh out the oven
Just like a donut hole

[Chorus]

Second verse
It’s hilarious like ARROW’D II!
I’m taking down challengers
Like I’m in Wrecking Crew
I used to play that game
Back when I had chicken pox
But no one knows my name
I’m hidden like a treasure box
But when you open me up
I give out bonuses
I’m like a Toad House
Sort of like a Chozo is
But like the latter
I’ll stand up on a bad day
And we can battle
Like in Super Smash Melee
A strong knee or two or three
You’ll spit your lunch out
It’s too predictable
To jab you like in Punch-Out!!!
A Nuclear Knuckle
And you Kiss My Fist
Then I Take Out the Trash
Boot you out of my business
You tried to stomp me like Big Blag
I’ll chomp ya
Then put your Gil in a big bag
With your armor
You lack experience points
You and your hunting party
I’ll send you back to the past
Like you were Biff and Marty

[Chorus]

So when you rap against me
You’d best bring much ammunition
Bring the Roget’s Thesaurus
The latest Webster’s edition
It’s like on Oregon Trail
You’d best bring all your provisions
You tried to ford this rap river
And then you wagon was tippin’
My lyrics can be insane
Or perhaps they’re merely different
It’s like NBA 2K
Without both Jordan and Pippen
It’s like we’re at the arcade
We all join without permission
It takes two quarters to play
And there is no intermission
And if the goal of this game
Is to make the best decisions
Then I will choose to remain
In other words I’ll Continue