Not Matt Damon, Scene U-6

Dramatis Personae (and hypothetical cast who would portray them):

Matthew Damensen (Matt Damon), psychologist

Matt Damon (Matt Damon), actor

Joseph Koblinzski (John DiMaggio), mental patient who believes he is Matt Damon

Emily Lauder (Emily Blunt), Matthew’s girlfriend

Jason Botmin (Jason Bateman), Matthew’s friend and fellow psychologist

Chris Helmsley (Chris Hemsworth), Matt Damon’s bodyguard

Dr. Ben Affledge (Ben Affleck), psychologist


Matthew: My name is Matthew Damensen.  I’m a psychologist at a mental institution.  I also happen to look exactly like actor Matt Damon.  This has become my curse.  Through a series of strange coincidences, I have become Matt Damon’s mortal enemy.  He has made me a prisoner in the very hospital where I used to help people and has taken over my life.  I am….


Previously in Not Matt Damon:

Matt: I’m just–why so interested in inviting Jason?

Emily: He’s your best friend, Matthew.  I thought that would be fine.

Matt: Are you seeing him now?

Emily: You’re hurting me, and this isn’t like you.

Matt: Maybe I’ve changed.

Emily: Ugh!  Goodbye, Matthew! 


Scene U-6: The Park

[Emily walks alone down the sidewalk, tears in her eyes.  She stops to sit on a park bench, where Chris happens to be doing a crossword puzzle.  He looks over and smiles kindly at her, not noticing her sadness.  He does a double take and sees she is crying.]

Chris:  Excuse me. It…You seem very upset.  Is everything alright?

Emily [looks up at him and smiles tersely]:  Huh.  Not really.  My jerk of an ex-boyfriend accused me of cheating on him.  He thinks he’s hot stuff because looks like Matt Damon, but he’s empty on the inside.  Ugh!  I’m just–I’m just glad it’s over, you know?  I really am.  He really was a screwed-up person inside.

Chris:  Really?  How so?  Uh, forgive me if I am intruding.

Emily [sniffling]:  No, no, it’s perfectly fine.  I’m just glad to have someone to talk to, Mr.?  I’m sorry, I don’t even know your name and I’m all a mess here.

Chris [smiles]:  Chris Helmsley.  And you are?

Emily:  I’m Emily.  Nice to meet you, Chris.  I’ve never seen you around here before, are you new to the area?

Chris:  Visiting, actually.

Emily:  On business?

Chris:  You could say that.  But I really do take pleasure in my work.

Emily:  What do you do for a living?

Chris [holding up his folded newspaper]:  Crossword puzzles.  Ha.

[Emily rolls her eyes and shakes her head, trying but failing to stifle a smile.]

Chris:  Seriously though, I work in security.  I protect people.

Emily [checking him out]:  Wow, a bodyguard, huh?  You look to have the muscles for it.  You must lift a lot of crosswords.

Chris [laughs]:  It keeps me in shape.

Emily:  So are you protecting someone now?

Chris:  Sort of. He wants his space, but I’m trailing him.  Actually, your concerns and mine may well be common–shared, that is to say.

Emily [frowning]:  What do you mean?

Chris [suddenly becoming serious]:  It’s strange coincidence that you and I should meet, Emily.  What I am about to tell you, you must speak of to no one, lest it compromise the man I have sworn to protect.  And, I imagine, my continued employment.  You see, the man I am protecting…is Matt Damon.  You may have heard of him?  The actor?  He’s in the–

Emily:  Monuments Men.  [Her eyes widen.]  Are you telling me that I was dating…the real Matt Damon?

Chris:  I wish that were so.  You seem like a lovely woman. Sadly, you have become involved in an elaborate deception by a disturbed individual named Matthew Damensen.

Emily [standing and turning toward Chris]:  Matthew?!  What about Matthew?

Chris:  So you know this Matthew, then?

Emily:  He’s my ex-boyfriend! 

Chris:  How long have you known him?

Emily:  Long enough to know he is not capable of an elaborate deception of any kind.

Chris:  So he hasn’t been…erratic in any way?  Missing work?  Fixated on Matt Damon movies?

Emily:  Actually…he’s been all of that.  …  Why?

Chris:  This may disturb you, so I ask that you brace yourself.  I believe Matthew has successfully executed a plot to replace Matt Damon.  [He stands and looks at Emily with compassion.]  Matthew is a very sick man.  He may be capable of nearly anything.  I believe he set Matt Damon up to be committed to a mental hospital–the same hospital where he works.

[Emily turns away and does a facepalm.]

Emily [in anguish]:  Matthew….[turns to face Chris]  But why?  Why would he do this?  What’s he after?

Chris:  What would a man stand to gain from replacing his near-identical twin?

Emily:  Everything.  Another life.  Fame.  Fortune.  Power.  [swallows]  Any woman he wants.  You should see some of the things the women say about him on Twitter…

Chris:  Why?  Are they threatening him?

Emily:  Only with a bed and breakfast, if you take my meaning.  [scowling]  Matthew…you misogynistic monster!

Chris:  Would you like a chance to settle the score with him?  I can get Matt Damon out of the hospital, but I’ll need your help.

Emily:  You have it.  [Her hands curl into fists]…There is one thing.  When did the switch happen?  Do you know?

Chris:  I am not sure exactly when, but I suspect it coincided with the news reports of Matt Damon checking into the hospital. …  Thank you, Emily.

Emily:  Don’t thank me yet.  Let’s get to work.

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