Emily: Matthew. There’s something I’ve wanted to talk to you about.
Matthew: What’s wrong, Emily? You look upset.
Emily: Well, it’s just…you look a lot like Matt Damon—like, a lot like him. I’m starting to wonder if you really are Matt Damon, and…you’re just pretending to be Matthew so you don’t have to be Matt anymore.
Matthew: Look, we’ve been through this. I thought we’d moved past this, Emily. Listen…just watch the Academy Awards with me tonight. Matt Damon will be there, so you’ll know for sure I’m not him.
Emily [rolling her eyes]: Right, like Matt Damon doesn’t have a body double. [Turns on TV]
Commercial [shows images of a psychologist, played by Matt Damon, studying patients]: Matt Damon stars in a moving, cerebral film about finding oneself in others… Not Myself. Rated PG-13.
George Clooney [On TV]: We’d like to thank Matt Damon, who can’t be here tonight.
[Emily glances at Matthew as if he’s been caught in a lie.]
George Clooney [On TV]: He’s been very immersed in his role and honestly, we’ve not heard from him in awhile, so…our thoughts are with you, buddy. I’m pleased to announce the nominees for Best Actor… [applause]
[Emily turns off the TV. Matthew is dumbfounded; he looks at Emily. She looks at him, shakes her head, tears forming in her eyes.]
Emily: Goodbye, Matt. We’re done here.
Matthew: No, please! No!
Emily: So…how do you explain this, Matthew? Or is it just Matt? Are you him? Are you Matt Damon?
Matthew: No. I’m not.
Emily: We just saw the commercial together, Matt. So you’re telling me he just happens to have a movie about the exact same job you have, with the exact same patient?
Emily: So was it all an act, Matt? Was I just ‘gearing you up for a role’??
Matthew: It’s not an act. I’m not Matt Damon, I promise you!
Emily: Maybe you don’t know who you are anymore, Matt. I know I sure don’t.
Matthew: I know who I am, and I know who I’m not. I’m not Matt Damon.
Emily: You know what? You’re a good liar, you know that? Hmph. You’re good. Bye, Matthew. Break a leg, okay? [She leaves.]
Matthew: I’m not Matt–[The door slams.] I’m not Matt Damon. I’m not.
[He starts looking through his collection for Matt Damon movies.] I’m not him.
[He finds The Bourne Identity, starts watching it. Time passes, as he shakes his head in disbelief.]
I can’t do that. I’m not like that at all. Why would he…? What? This is so stupidly unbelievable. I mean, nobody would survive that. Why isn’t he injured? Why does anyone even like him? Why?!
[He presses the Stop button and frantically sorts through his movies to find another Matt Damon film to watch…]
[Meanwhile, the real Matt Damon, who was on his way to the Academy Awards, has a flat tire on the road…]