Not Matt Damon, Scene A-3: At Home

Emily: Matthew. There’s something I’ve wanted to talk to you about.

Matthew:  What’s wrong, Emily?  You look upset.

Emily: Well, it’s just…you look a lot like Matt Damon—like, a lot like him.  I’m starting to wonder if you really are Matt Damon, and…you’re just pretending to be Matthew so you don’t have to be Matt anymore.

Matthew: Look, we’ve been through this.  I thought we’d moved past this, Emily.  Listen…just watch the Academy Awards with me tonight. Matt Damon will be there, so you’ll know for sure I’m not him.

Emily [rolling her eyes]: Right, like Matt Damon doesn’t have a body double. [Turns on TV]

Commercial [shows images of a psychologist, played by Matt Damon, studying patients]: Matt Damon stars in a moving, cerebral film about finding oneself in others… Not Myself.  Rated PG-13.

George Clooney [On TV]: We’d like to thank Matt Damon, who can’t be here tonight.

[Emily glances at Matthew as if he’s been caught in a lie.]

George Clooney [On TV]: He’s been very immersed in his role and honestly, we’ve not heard from him in awhile, so…our thoughts are with you, buddy.  I’m pleased to announce the nominees for Best Actor… [applause]

[Emily turns off the TV.  Matthew is dumbfounded; he looks at Emily. She looks at him, shakes her head, tears forming in her eyes.]

Emily: Goodbye, Matt. We’re done here.

Matthew: No, please! No!

Emily: So…how do you explain this, Matthew? Or is it just Matt? Are you him? Are you Matt Damon?

Matthew: No. I’m not.

Emily: We just saw the commercial together, Matt.  So you’re telling me he just happens to have a movie about the exact same job you have, with the exact same patient?

Matthew: Yes.

Emily: So was it all an act, Matt? Was I just ‘gearing you up for a role’??

Matthew: It’s not an act. I’m not Matt Damon, I promise you!

Emily: Maybe you don’t know who you are anymore, Matt. I know I sure don’t.

Matthew: I know who I am, and I know who I’m not.  I’m not Matt Damon.

Emily: You know what? You’re a good liar, you know that? Hmph. You’re good. Bye, Matthew. Break a leg, okay? [She leaves.]

Matthew: I’m not Matt–[The door slams.] I’m not Matt Damon. I’m not.

[He starts looking through his collection for Matt Damon movies.] I’m not him.

[He finds The Bourne Identity, starts watching it.  Time passes, as he shakes his head in disbelief.]

I can’t do that. I’m not like that at all. Why would he…? What?  This is so stupidly unbelievable.  I mean, nobody would survive that.  Why isn’t he injured?  Why does anyone even like him?  Why?!

[He presses the Stop button and frantically sorts through his movies to find another Matt Damon film to watch…]

[Meanwhile, the real Matt Damon, who was on his way to the Academy Awards, has a flat tire on the road…]

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