Monthly Archives: May 2014

Man of Guts (Gutsman’s song) – Inspired by Mega Man music & The Megas


I’ve enjoyed the songs that the Mega Man-themed group The Megas have written about the Mega Man mythology. 

(I have unfortunately not freed up the funds to get their latest History Repeating: Red album, but I most certainly will get it–that History Repeating: Blue album was spectacular, as was the Fly On A Dog single.  But I digress.) 

As I listened to their “Megatainment” album–a collaboration they did with Entertainment System–it occurred to me that it was awfully short.  I wondered why there were no songs for Gutsman or Cutman.  So I just decided to write one of my own, inspired by the Gutsman stage music and by the incredible body of work produced by The Megas.  In case you don’t know how that sounds:

So, here goes:


I was built to lift

This is my great gift

But now I have a mind

To live beyond these mines

Dr. Wily

Chose to confide in me

That it was my destiny

To destroy all things

To lift the robot race

Above the place of slaves

We will not serve humans

We deserve our own plans


I’m a Man of Guts

And I am strong enough

I will shake and toss

Humans are a lost cause

I’m a Man of Guts

So are you strong enough?

When I shake and toss

You’ll suffer your next loss


So enter my robot lair

If you so foolishly dare

The humans don’t even care

If robots feel pain there

I have seen them hurt

And give all their worth

Seen them scream and curse

The whole universe

I will end all men

And we’ll begin again

I’ll lift a robot sun

Of a new day begun


I’m a Man of Guts

And I am strong enough

I will shake and toss

Humans are a lost cause

I’m a Man of Guts

So are you strong enough?

When I shake and toss

You’ll suffer your next loss


And now that we rise up

The robots stand above

We’ll join hands to crush

Every man we touch


I’m a Man of Guts

And I am strong enough

I will shake and toss

Humans are a lost cause

I’m a Man of Guts

So are you strong enough?

When I shake and toss

Mega Man, you’re lost!

I’m Gutsman!

Not Matt Damon, Scene U-8: Plan of Escape, Inside Chris Helmsley’s Hummer

[A design schematic of the hospital is displayed on the half-meter touch screen on the console inside the vehicle. Chris and Emily stare at it intently.]

Chris: The hospital is actually easier to escape than to approach without authorization.  The only way in is to be a patient, a relative of a patient, a member of the staff…

Emily: …Someone who’s supposed to be inside.

Chris: Right.  Unless…there were some set of circumstances that would require outside help.  Some kind of maintenance problem.  But most things like that are obvious targets, too hard to sabotage without raising an alarm.  Since that last incident, security has gotten much tighter.  I couldn’t handle that number of guards without having to do serious damage.  No, we need a more subtle hand.  You see, there’s always something that can easily break.

Emily: Like what?  A computer?

Chris: Simpler than that.  I’ve already got a plan in motion.

Emily: You have someone on the inside?

Chris [his expression turning cold all of a sudden]: No.

Emily [frowning]: What’s wrong?

Chris: It’s just…maybe you shouldn’t be involved in this.

Emily: Justice has to be done here.  I’ll do whatever it takes.  I don’t need to know anything more than you need me to know.  Let’s get Matt and get out.

Chris: Right.  Here’s what we need to do.  [Aside]  I’m going to break the fourth wall here and say that I really enjoy moments like this.  Because the audience doesn’t know the plan.  They get surprised, but I’m sure they want to know beforehand what the plan is.  I mean, it must be torture for you right now, I bet you’re dying to know just how clever this plan is going to be.  [Laughs heartily]  Well, I’m not going to tell you.

Emily: What are you doing?  Are you talking to someone?  Wait—is this a movie?

Chris: What?  Of course not.  Just…alright.  Yes.  Yes, it’s a movie.  But don’t tell anyone.  Especially Matt—he’ll kill me.


[At the Mental Hospital…]

[Ben puts a dollar into the soda machine and repeatedly presses the Generic, No-Name Cola button, because really, aren’t we all tired of shameless product placement in the middle of a movie? Besides, we’ll just knock him through a 7-Eleven later if we want to add some humor.  Maybe they’ll have a “Matt Damon Mountain Dew” Slurpee.  I’m totally ruining this scene, aren’t I?]

Ben: Huh.  That’s odd.  Hey, Dr. Botmin?

Jason [walking by briskly, suddenly stops]: Yeah?

Ben: Are you having trouble with this soda machine?

Jason: Uh, no, not lately.

Ben [pressing the button]: It just took my dollar and it’s not [pressing button again] giving me a soda.

Jason: Maybe it’s out of cola.

Ben [sounding irritated]: It’s not out of cola.  The guy just refilled it like, two days ago.

Jason: Interesting that you noticed that.

Ben: Interesting?

Jason: It’s just…usually people don’t remember stuff like that.  Especially when they’re busy damaging my patients.

Ben [frowning]: Excuse me?

Jason: Joe Koblinzski.  Did you set him off over that Matt Damon thing?

Ben: He was talking to Matt Damon.  I think that counts as setting himself off, Doctor.

Jason: I just want to put you on notice, Benjamin.  You may think you have special privileges because you’re here specifically for Matt Damon, but that’s not carte blanche for abusing my patients, do you understand?

Ben: Maybe you should keep your patients on a tighter leash, Jason.  And it’s Benyamin, by the way.  Also, there’s a “Doctor” in front of that.  If a man spends as long as we spent earning that title, we’ve earned the right to punch people in the face for not using it.  Am I right, Jason?

Jason [tense]: What?  [scoffs]  You’re not going to punch me in the face, are you?

Ben [smiling]: Of course not, Dr. Botmin.  I just want to put you on notice.  [He stops smiling.]  Don’t get in my face again.  And keep your patients away from my patients.  Like common sense would dictate when my patient is Matt Damon and your patient thinks he is.

[He kicks soda machine, orange soda falls out. Ben grabs the orange soda, opens it and takes a drink.]

Ben: I’m going to have them replace this machine.  [He walks away.]  When I want a cola, I don’t want orange soda!

[Jason frowns at the soda machine, then puts his hands on his hips, shakes his head, and walks away.]

Not Matt Damon, Scene U-7: Matthew’s Room at Hospital, Session #4

Ben: Mr. Damon, how are you today?

Matthew: …Fine.

Ben: So you’re okay with me calling you Mr. Damon?

Matthew: At this point, Doctor, clearly that’s the only option.

Ben: Matt, I can’t force you to be Matt Damon. You have to actually want that for yourself. I can only do so much of the work here, Matt. You have to understand that.

Matthew (sighing): I understand.

Ben: You know what baffles me, in all of this? No one has come to inquire about you—not the press, no other celebrities, no one. It’s like no one knows you’re here—or no one cares.

Matthew: Well, Matt Damon isn’t exactly the kind of guy people like, now, is he?

Ben: Oh, come on, no need for the self-pity, Matt. We’ll need to work on that. But…I almost don’t want to say this, but I’m beginning to wonder if the story about you being Matthew might be true.

Matthew: Right. What is it, April 1st? Some kind of April Fools joke or something?

Ben: Well, it is coincidentally April 1st. But I’m not joking. You see, I looked up some celebrity news recently and there are reports that you’ve been seen going for a run at Magruder Park. The story goes that there were no pictures because, apparently, Gerard Butler showed up and confiscated the reporters’ cameras and cell phones. There’s no proof beyond the report, but…they say he looked just like you.

Matthew [looking hopeful]: And?

Ben: Well, there’s a problem. You see, this man denied that he was Matt Damon, although he appears to have fooled Gerard Butler. But then, how hard could that be?

Matthew: I wouldn’t know.

Ben: It’s beside the point anyway, and it was rhetorical. The point is, there is at least some truth to your story, and this may well prove it. There is someone out there who looks just like you. Given that that’s the case, it is at least possible he could try to assume your identity.

Matthew: Exactly.

Ben: But he didn’t. He didn’t, Matt. In fact, this guy claimed his name was—according to Gerard Butler—Matthew Damensen. The same name you claim to have. To my surprise, this Matthew actually works here at this hospital, but he’s been on leave for awhile. What a strange coincidence. Do you know what this means for you, though?

Matthew: What?

Ben: That the more likely possibility is that you are Matt Damon, and he is Matthew Damensen. Clearly, you can’t have escaped this hospital, and I’m pretty sure Matthew lacks the skill in hand-to-hand combat to take out four security guards.

Matthew [scoffs]: Matt Damon is an actor! He’s not Jason Bourne! He’s not “SuperStu”! It’s all stunt work, choreographed so no one gets hurt!

Ben: Well, a lot’s been said about you, Matt, but I’m surprised at your modesty. I really am.

Matthew: D—Are you delusional? What, do you think movies are real?!

Ben: Of course they’re real. They’re sold in stores all over the world. So now you think movies aren’t real.

Matthew: That’s not what I meant! You know that’s not what I meant!

Ben: Then why did you say it? Matt, there’s a reason you’re sitting there and I’m sitting here. Now how you got fixated on this Matthew person, I don’t know. That’s a mystery. But at least you’re in a place where you can get some help.

[Matthew starts breathing heavily, enraged.]

Ben: If I had to guess? The fame finally got to you. The cameras in your face all the time, the gold-digging supermodels hovering around—not that all supermodels are like that, but surely at least they’ve got daddy issues. How’s your wife, by the way? Did you want to call her or anything? Anyway, you want a break from all that. You want a normal job, a normal, ordinary-looking wife or girlfriend, normal friends you didn’t meet at some fancy party. You just want to be that kid who didn’t co-write Good Will Hunting and didn’t steal from Andy Garcia’s casino. Am I hitting close to the mark yet?

Matthew [starting to cry]: I was wrong. I shouldn’t have told you I wanted to be Matt Damon, because I don’t. I can’t be him. Why won’t you believe I’m not Matt Damon? Why? That’s why he did this to me. That’s why. And now I’m stuck here, because he didn’t just retire and go somewhere. He’s sick, Ben. He’s sick. You’ve got to help him.

Ben: And we will, Matt. We’ll find him. And we’ll help him. I feel like you’re ready now, to accept the help. This has been a really good session, Matt. I know it feels like pain now, but that pain is progress. [He smiles compassionately.] We’re done for today, Matt. Take it easy.

Not Matt Damon, Scene U-5: Mental Hospital Lunch Room

A brief note: This brings the blog up to speed with the original scene, U-6, that I posted here at the start. From this point, we’ll pick up with Scene U-7 and advance the story of ‘Not Matt Damon’ to its thrilling–and as yet unwritten–finale. Upcoming guest stars will be Jonah Hill as an Intercom Guard at the hospital, Tom Hardy as Augustus St. John-Smythe (whose role I won’t reveal yet, but it should be fun), and Sarah Silverman…as herself.

And if it all works out well, this should feed into the planned sequel to Not Matt Damon, Not Matt Damon Again, which will prominently feature Tom Cruise and Christian Bale, if my story ideas remain as planned.

Anyway, on with the scene….

[Matthew sits alone at a table, staring at nothing.]

Matthew [thinking to himself]: I wanted to be Matt Damon, but…what if I can’t? Maybe Ben’s right, and it’s…I don’t know. I just want this nightmare to be over.

[Joseph Koblinzski walks over, carrying a lunch tray laden with medicine and turkey with gravy and green peas. He sees Matthew and his eyes open unnaturally wide.]

Joseph [smiling]: Matthew? What are you doing here? I thought you were on vacation! Is this one of your psychoanalyst experiments? If so, I’m totally in. Want me to start a riot? Ha! Naw, I’m just kidding with you. They don’t even let us have plastic spoons in here. How am I supposed to eat with a rubber spork?

Matthew [stunned]: You know me?

Joseph: Of course I know you! We work together all the time, on me. You were the one who first set me straight about that You-Know-Who business.

Matthew: So…you don’t think you’re…you know, him?

Joseph: Not anymore! I’m just regular old Joe Ko these days. And it’s all thanks to you, you participating provider, you!

Matthew [feeling hopeful]: Well, that’s…that’s great, Joe. I’m really proud of you. So…[suddenly overwhelmed by grief] so what are your plans? Are they letting you out soon?

Joseph: Well, maybe. But some guy’s going to follow me around for awhile in case I decide to go all ‘Treadstone’ on everybody. Still, I think I can smuggle back some candy for you if you want.

Matthew: Actually, there is something you could do for me, but…nah, that wouldn’t work out well.

Joseph: What? Why not? You helped me, Matthew. I can help you, too. I owe you one.

Matthew: Well, I guess it doesn’t matter. We’re here together now, might as well tell you. [He leans towards Joseph.] They put me in here. I’m a patient now.

Joseph: Ha! I knew it was true what they say. Oh, gee. That probably sounds totally insensitive. I just meant they say therapists often need therapy the most. So what are you in for?

Matthew: This is going to sound crazy.

Joseph: Well, I would hope so! They don’t check you in here for being sane.

Matthew: …Sometimes they do.

Joseph: What do you mean?

Matthew: You know, this might upset you and you’re making too much good progress. I really think we should just drop this line of thought.

Joseph: Oh, come on. How could what you’re going through have anything to do with You-Know-Who?

Matthew: I’m sorry. This was a mistake.

[A Nurse approaches with a pill in a cup. She smiles as if she wants an autograph.]

Nurse: Here’s your medicine, Mr. Damon.

Joseph: Damon? What, did you change your name?

Matthew [watching Joseph with growing dread]: No. It’s—uh, actually my middle name is Daim-Aung. My mom was very into Laotian culture at the time.

Joseph [with a subtle downward movement of one eyebrow]: I know what I heard, Matthew, and it wasn’t Daim-Aung. It was Dam-on. Huh. Guess that would make you Matthew Dam-on. What is that, Kryptonian? They lock you in here because you’re SuperMatt or something?

Matthew [grasping for straws]: Ah! Yeah—that’s exactly it. I came from another planet and…I’m Mattman.

Joseph: Did you just say you’re Batman?

[Dr. Affledge, consulting with one of the nurses, looks up. He walks over, a stern look on his face.]

Ben [looking at both Matthew and Joseph]: Everything okay over here? Mr. Koblinzski, I’d like to run some tests on you—the uh, schedule got shifted around, I hope you don’t mind. Would you come with me? Please?

Joseph: Okay. [To Matthew:] Take care, Batman.

Ben: Are you talking to me?

Joseph: Uh, nooo. You’re not Batman. Anybody who thinks you ever could be belongs in here with us.

Ben [stops]: Alright. If you want to play by those rules. See that guy over there? Yeah. The one you were just talking to? That’s Matt Damon. The real one. And you will never be Matt Damon.

Joseph: And I’m totally comfortable with that.

Ben: Comfortable with what? Can you say his name?

Joseph: That guy’s name is Matthew. He’s not—that other guy. You guys have got it all wrong.

Ben: Yeah? How do you know? Is it because you’re Matt Damon?

Joseph: No! Don’t start with that! I’m done with it!

Ben: But is it done with you? Tell me, out of all the faces in here, why did you go straight to Matt Damon? Huh? Did you see yourself, were you just talking to yourself?

Joseph: No! I was talking to Matthew!

Ben: You were talking to Matt Damon. If you weren’t, then there’s only one other possibility.

Joseph: No, there’s plenty of other—[he puts his hands on his face as he starts getting confused]…no, I didn’t believe that! I’m not…him…I’m Joe…[starts staggering] I’m Joe…

Ben [leaning in close]: I could have proven my point about Batman by throwing you through a plate glass window and catching you at the last second. Will you be talking about Batman again?

Joseph [breathing heavily, answers as if in fear of pain]: No…

Ben: No. You won’t. See that? [Pointing at Matthew] That’s not a Bat. That’s Matt. Matt Damon. I’ll take you back to your room, and Dr. Botmin will continue his work with you. Come on.

Matthew [shaking his head, thinking to himself again]: I’ve got to get out of this place. I’ve got to find a way to prove I’m not Matt Damon. But how? Only one way: Matt and I in the same room. A dangerous plan. But there has to be a way…

Not Matt Damon, Scene U-4: Undisclosed Location

(Note: This episode guest stars Terry O’Quinn as Agent Anson Wendell. Enjoy!)

Mysterious Man: Matthew. Matthew?

[Matthew Damensen opens his eyes and finds himself looking at an aging bald man wearing a blue suit with an expensive red tie. An eerie light shines behind the man’s head.]

Matthew: Who are you? Are you my new psychologist?

Mysterious Man [smiling enigmatically]: I’m not a psychologist, Matthew. My name is Anson Wendell. I work for the government.

Matthew: Which branch?

Wendell: People are too interested in branches when they should be paying attention to the roots. The unseen places where the lifeblood is. Most people don’t want to dig that deep. They’d be afraid of what they’d find. But I digress. It’s safe enough to say that I work for the roots.

Matthew [looking around]: This isn’t my room. Where am I?

Wendell: Figured that would be your next question. Always is. Truth is, even I don’t know. They don’t allow us to see where we’re going—in fact, they put us all under so we can’t even guess. But what I do know—what I’m authorized to tell you—I’ll share. Come with me.

[Matthew, wearing a straitjacket, follows the man down a dark, cavernous hallway lit by spotlights at four-meter intervals. Wendell stops at a scanner, a plastic, brain-shaped helmet. It runs a green beam over his head.]

Automated Voice: Authorized. Agent Anson Wendell.

Wendell [turns to Matthew]: Come on through. You’d already be dead if it thought you were up to something. It knows you’re with me.

[Matthew walks through the massive doorway. The eerie white light turns into a shining, ethereal light that makes him squint his eyes. What he sees defies all description. Except that would make for a really disappointing moment, so I’ll describe it later. Like in the next sentence. He finds himself speechless at the immensity of it: towering cylinders with lights on or off as if they were skyscrapers made out of data tapes went for as far as his eyes could see. People wearing sunshades or goggles walk from cylinder to cylinder, checking and rechecking, removing tapes or inserting them.]

Wendell [noting Matthew’s reaction and looking around as if he is merely in a local library]: Yeah. That was my reaction when I first saw this place. I’m sure there’s a designated name for it, but most people around here took to calling it the Flash Drive.

Matthew [still looking up]: What…what does it do? Who made all this?

Wendell [smiling]: Who do you think? You really think that budget deficit came about from a bunch of tanks and bullets we already owned being shot off in a war or two? Well, you’d be right. I’m just messing with your head a bit. The truth’ll mess it up even worse. This actually existed before all that, before Vietnam, even.

Matthew: What?

Wendell: The Flash Drive contains the complete memories of every man, woman and child ever to have been born in the United States for the last 70 years. There was always a worry that the mind we needed would be lost out there somewhere, so it just made good sense to have a backup copy.

Matthew: You made copies of people’s minds? But how?

Wendell: Anything you’ve ever gotten from the government, from a parking ticket to a postage stamp, was scanning and downloading your memories using a nanotechnology that will not be invented for a very long time. Because of the constantly updating nature of human memories, the only way to track the updates was to do it from the future. People like me were recruited to participate in all the…related activities.

Matthew: Such as?

Wendell [looking at Matthew and smiling enigmatically again]: Such as when we need an additional copy of the same person. You see, Matthew, the truth is, despite all your protestations, you are Matt Damon.

Matthew [shocked]: What? No. No! NO! I’m not Matt Damon! I’m not Matt Damon! NO! NO!

Dr. Ben Affledge’s Voice: Mr. Damon, wake up! You’re having an episode! Mr. Damon! Please! I don’t want to drug you! Wake up! It’s a nightmare, it’s only a nightmare! Mr. Damon!

Matthew [opens his eyes and finds himself back in his padded cell]: ARRGH! [He struggles against his straitjacket. It starts to tear.]

Ben [runs to the door and bangs on it]: Lock this room down! No one in or out!

Guard [outside]: But Dr.—

Ben: DO IT! I’VE GOT THIS! [He takes off his jacket.] You want to be Matt Damon? You’re going to have to fight like him! You’re going to have to fight to prove who you are!

Matthew [breaking out of his straitjacket]: I’M! NOT! MATT! DAMON!!!

[Matthew and Ben charge at each other and–]

Ben: Mr. Damon? Are you hearing anything I’m saying?

Matthew [snapping out of his daydream]: Uh, huh? Oh. Uh…let’s…uh…let’s go back a few minutes…

Not Matt Damon, Scene U-3: Matt Goes for a Run

[After Emily leaves, Matt goes back inside and walks into Matthew’s bedroom. The TV is on, and George Clooney is being interviewed.]

Reporter: …So are you concerned that all the recent negative press regarding Matt Damon has affected box office totals for The Monuments Men?

Clooney: What negative press?

Reporter: You are, of course, aware that Matt Damon was seen scuffling with his own bodyguard at a gas station not long ago, and still more recently, checked himself into a mental institution where he allegedly brutally assaulted four security guards—

Clooney: I really don’t see where you’re going with this.

Reporter: I’m just—

Clooney: See, this is why I don’t do a lot of press. You know what this is? It’s character assassination. Matt Damon is a good friend of mine and [standing up and pointing at the reporter] I will not have people like you painting him as a vicious psycho. I’m done with this. I’m done. Goodbye.

Matt [smiling]: This day just keeps getting better and better.

Clooney [rips off his microphone and speaks without one]: Matt Damon has done more for the human race than vultures like you ever will! If he’s taking care of himself, [storming off the set] who are you to judge?

Matt: Hmm. This may have gone too far. Ah, well. I’ll deal with it later.

[Minutes later, Matt Damon goes for a run. As he pauses for a break, he is accosted by news reporters.]

Reporter 1: Mr. Damon, I thought you’d been committed, how are you now?

Reporter 2: Matt, why’d you go to the loony bin, and why’d they let you out?

Reporter 3 [snapping photos]: You look well, Matt. How was your time in rehab?

[Matt tries his best not to react, and puts on a frightened, ordinary man’s deer-in-headlights expression.]

Matt [sounding genuinely frightened]: Who are you people? I don’t know who you think I am, but I’m not him! I’m not Matt Damon!

Reporter 2: Heh! You sure look like him. You think you can fool us?

Reporter 3: Still on the drugs, huh?

Matt [nearly losing his facade]: What drugs? What are you talking about?

[Gerard Butler, also coincidentally on an early morning run, jogs up, wearing a sweat-stained white t-shirt and baby blue shorts. He sees the scene and stares, then jogs over. Upon getting closer, he recognizes Matt.]

Gerard [in surprise with a bit of awe]: Matt Damon.

[Jogging up to the scene, he steps up to the reporters.]

Gerard: Hey, what are you doing to him?

Reporter 1: We’re just looking for some answers—

Gerard: He already gave you his answers. [Pointing at Matt] You need to get out of his face.

Reporter 2: Hey, now, we have the—

Gerard: Now.

Reporters 1-3: Mr. Damon, we just want to—

Matt [backing away]: Leave me alone! I’m not who you think I am!

Gerard: You need to back off of this guy! What you’re doing to him isn’t right!

Reporters 1-3: Mr. Damon! Mr. Damon!

Gerard [rips off his shirt, revealing dangerously chiseled muscles]: BACK OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOFF!

[Reporters 1-3 stop and stare, then realize who Gerard is.]


[Reporters 1-3 trip over each other trying to get away. Reporter 3 tries to snap a photo from a safe distance, but Reporter 2 smacks the camera out of his hand.]

Reporter 2: Just forget it, man! That’s Gerard Butler! He’ll kill us!

Reporter 3: My camera!


Reporter 1: I’m not going to make it!

Reporter 2: NO!

[The sound of an animalistic roar echoes through the park…]

[Moments later, Gerard Butler returns to Matt Damon, wearing a new jacket that’s too small and carrying three cell phone and three notebooks.]

Gerard: They won’t be botherin’ you anymore, Matt.

Matt [continuing to look frightened]: Thank you. But look, I’m not actually Matt Damon. My name’s Matthew Damensen. Sometimes people get us confused—uh, Matt Damon and I.

Gerard [laughing heartily]: Oh, that’s a rich one, Matthew! Never knew that was your real name! Ha ha!

Matt [smirking just a little]: Well, thanks anyway, for your help.

Gerard: No problem. Hey, listen, you want a running buddy? You can’t be out here alone, you know. Some psycho would love nothing more than to have Matt Damon duct taped in his basement somewhere, eh?

Matt: No, I’ll be fine. I could use some time to myself for awhile. Besides, I can handle myself.

Gerard: Well, alright then. Take care, “Matthew”. [He jogs away.]

[Meanwhile, in the distance, shrouded by the treeline, Chris Helmsley, dressed in camouflage, looks on via binoculars.]

Chris [to himself]: It’s happened. That impostor has kidnapped Matt and attempted to replace him. I have to get to the bottom of this. [Looks through his binoculars again.] You can fool everyone else, Matthew Damensen, but not the man who has stood by Matt Damon since We Bought A Zoo. [smiles] Game on, then…

Not Matt Damon, Scene U-2: Matthew Damensen’s Home, Morning

[A knock on the door. Matt Damon opens it, wearing a green high school basketball jersey with ‘Damensen’ written on the back.]

Matt: Emily! Hey! What are you doing here?

Emily: You know why I’m here, Matthew. We go to the gym together every Thursday.

Matt [going along with it]: Right. Of course. I was just about to go for a run myself…

Emily: But you never run, Matthew.

Matt: At the gym. On a treadmill. I’m…ready to go. [He sees she’s not buying it.] You know what? You got me. I was going to cancel today, it—must have slipped my mind. I was going to call you and let you know, but, here you are, so, I’m letting you know. You know I always want to be honest with you.

Emily: Are you sure you’re alright?

Matt: Uh, yeah, yeah. I’ve just been, um, under a lot of stress at work lately. You know those days you have, when you feel, I don’t know, not quite yourself?

Emily: Well, at least we know you’re not Matt Damon, right? [laughs]

Matt [laughing]: Right! Ha! Yeah, not that one. He’s definitely in need of a shrink these days. And me, I am a shrink, so…

Emily [pointing at him, still smiling]: Hey, maybe he can be your client, huh?

Matt: Yeah! [Laughing] Wouldn’t that be hilarious?

Emily: Speaking of work, when are you going back to the office?

Matt: In awhile. I took some time off. I may just move on to another practice, you know? It’s…ah, I don’t want to go into it.

Emily: Seriously? Does Jason know?

Matt: Well, he’s been worried about me, but pretty busy, so…we haven’t chatted in awhile.

Emily: Well, since you’re on vacation, maybe we should invite him out sometime. We could go see that movie you were telling me about awhile back. What was it? The, uh, M—

Matt: Monuments Men.

Emily: –Yeah, with um, who’s in that?

Matt: Uh, George Clooney, John Goodman, uh, yeah—it’s a pretty solid cast.

[Emily stares at him. Matt stares back until he becomes uncomfortable.]

Matt [trying to distract Emily from the realization of who else is in The Monuments Men]: So are we dating Jason now? Dinner and a movie?

Emily [frowning]: Excuse me?

Matt: I’m just—why so interested in inviting him?

Emily: He’s your best friend. Matthew, I thought that would be fine. We’ve done it a million times before.

Matt: Have you now? What, specifically, have ‘we’ done a million times before? Are you seeing him now?

Emily [scoffs]: Well, I just might start, the way you’re talking to me. He’s single, after all, and I know he would appreciate me.

Matt [smiling in an almost creepy way]: But not like I do.

Emily [backing away]: Matthew…you’re scaring me. You’re hurting me, and this isn’t like you.

Matt [seeming to enjoy the moment, he shrugs]: Maybe I’ve changed. Maybe I just want a one-man woman. Is that so terrible?

Emily [gasps]: If that’s—ugh! Goodbye, Matthew! [Her voice quivers.] I can’t believe you! I– [She shakes her head, puts a hand to her face, and rushes away.]

Matt [smiling as he watches her go, says pleasantly]: Bye!

Not Matt Damon, Scene U-1: Matthew, Session #2

Ben: Hey, Matt. How are you today?

Matthew [staring at nothing]: Am I really Matt? Or is that just your name for me now?

Ben: Would you prefer Matthew?

Matthew: What I’d prefer is not to look like some sadistic famous guy who has stolen my life!

Ben: I’m hearing a lot of anger there, Matt—

Matthew: Matthew!

Ben: Matthew. So I’m talking to Matthew now.

Matthew: You were always talking to Matthew! I’m not Matt Damon! My name is Matthew Damensen, and the real Matt Damon has stolen my life! He’s out there, and you have to find him!

Ben: I’m going to suggest something to you, at this point, and I hope it will help. I’m going to suggest to you—just a suggestion—that maybe Matt Damon isn’t out there. Maybe he can’t be found out there, in that world. Maybe he can be found in here. Is that possible? That Matt Damon might be in this room? Can we find him?

[Matthew looks away in annoyance.]

Ben [staring at Matthew for a moment]: You said it yourself, Matthew. You said you wanted my help to be Matt Damon again. Or was that just “Matt Damon” talking? I mean—why is he your enemy all of a sudden? What is it about this guy? Have you even met him before?

Matthew [still looking away]: Yes. I’ve met Matt Damon before. [Looks at Ben] And I can guarantee I’ll meet him again.

Ben: That’s—you see that? That’s progress. At the very least, you want to meet him again. Maybe when you’ve met him, gotten to know him, you’ll see—maybe it’s not so bad to be Matt Damon. Maybe Matt Damon is something we can all aspire to be.

Matthew: I wouldn’t go that far. I think we can do better than that.

Ben: Well, let’s not worry about improving him or trying to one-up him just yet. Let’s just focus on him for a moment—

Matthew: Way ahead of you.

Ben: Really? How so?

Matthew: I already told you.

Ben: Okay. Maybe we’re moving too fast here. I can see you’re still in a place of anger and denial, and—really, I’m not even sure why. Do you have any idea how many people want to be you?

Matthew: Yes! One! One person wants to be me, and that’s the problem!

Ben: Then let him be you! You can’t control him! Stop trying to! … We’re here to take care of you, Matthew. If that’s too frightening for you, then maybe this is it. This will be your life, this padded prison. [Ben gets up to leave.] Is that what you want? Or is it what Matt Damon wants?

[Matthew looks stunned and sullen.]

[Ben leaves and meets Jason in the hallway.]

Ben: Dr. Botmin? He needs more time. He’s regressing. He still thinks he’s Matthew.

Jason: Strange. That’d be like you claiming you’re Batman.

Ben: I know, right? Hilarious. And serious. [Ben moves closer to Jason and speaks quietly.] Don’t ever do that joke again. It’s disrespectful and I don’t appreciate it.

Jason: Whoa, sorry—

Ben: I’m not kidding. [Ben glares at him.] I hear one more Batman joke, I walk, and you’re stuck explaining to uh, Universal or Paramount or whoever why they can’t make The Bourne Infinity. Are we clear?

Jason [swallows]: Very clear.

Ben [smiling, speaks much louder]: Great. See you tomorrow! [He slaps Jason on the arm and leaves.]

Not Matt Damon, Scene B-3: Days Later…

Jason: It’s sad. And strange. He’s been in here for days and he won’t communicate with any of our staff in any way. I have called every expert I can think of in the field, and no one has been able to get through to him. I’m hoping you can…Dr. Affledge.

Dr. Ben Affledge: Of course. You’ll have a report this afternoon. Don’t worry. Mr. Damon is in good hands.

[Dr. Affledge goes in to see Matthew. Matthew seems catatonic, staring blankly at nothing in particular.]

Ben: Matt Damon? Hi. I’m Dr. Ben Affledge. I’ll be seeing you from now on. I’ve looked at your file and…you’re a very quiet man, Mr. Damon. Any reason for that?

[Matthew continues to stare at nothing.]

Ben: I understand you don’t believe you’re Matt Damon. You believe you’re someone else?  Can I talk to him?  This someone else?  Strange stories around here, from what I’ve heard. Some people are saying there are two Matt Damons, others say they knew a guy named [checks file] Matthew Damensen.

[Matthew looks up, as if waking up from a dream.]

Ben: Huh. That got your attention. Do you remember Matthew?

[Matthew looks at him. ]

Ben: Can Matthew come out and talk? I’d like to speak to Matthew Damensen. If that’s okay.

[Matthew swallows, tries to speak.]

Ben: What’s that?

Matthew: Wa…er..

Ben: Water? You want water.

Matthew: Ysss.

Ben: Okay, here. Drink mine–I didn’t drink any of it.

[Matthew drinks.]

Ben: Take your time, Matthew. Let me know when you’re ready to talk.

Matthew: I’ll…I’ll tell you…tell you everything…for a promise…

Ben: I’ll…see what I can do, Matthew. What would you like?

Matthew: Promise me… [Matthew’s voice becomes stronger, ragged and angry.] Promise me you’ll do whatever it takes…Make me become Matt Damon.

Ben: Well! So you are Matt Damon.

Matthew: Not yet…not yet…


[Meanwhile…in the home of Matthew Damensen…]

Matt: I’m so glad you’re back, Emily. I’m glad there’s someone in my life I can be…myself with. I don’t have to pretend with you. I can be who I am.

Emily: And who is that?

Matt: Matthew. Matthew Damensen.

Emily: I’m glad you know who you are now, Matthew. And I’m thinking…we can try again.

Matt:  That would be perfect, Emily…I can’t imagine any place I’d rather be.  [He smiles…with just a hint of mischief in his eyes…]

Not Matt Damon, Scene B-2: The Switch Happens

[Matthew Damensen goes to work, depressed and nearly ready to submit to the mental ward. Jason encounters him as he signs in.]

Jason: Matthew? What are you doing here? You were just–I don’t—

Matthew: Jason? You alright? Why are you staring at me like that?

Jason: Matthew…if you’re here, then…who is that in the padded cell? Or if that’s Matthew…then who are you?

Matthew: Don’t do this to me. Please. I’m having enough trouble keeping it straight.

Jason: But Matthew, I think…I think the real Matt Damon is here.

Matthew [stares at Jason]: You know what? I get it. You’re pranking me, for the other day. Right?

Jason: No, I’m serious! Dead serious.

Matthew [has a change of heart about checking himself in]: Listen, I need to get myself settled in. I’ve got work to do.

Jason: Matthew, we need to…figure this out. Matt Damon–the real Matt Damon–is here, now.

Matthew:   Look, don’t panic, just…let me handle it. Okay? Alright?

Jason: Alright. Matthew…be careful. I’m not sure why he’s here.

[Matthew goes to his office and opens his files. The lights go out.]

[Meanwhile, at the Security Desk…]

Guard: What’s going on? The lights in Damensen’s office are out. I can’t–I’m locked out!

Matt Damon[‘s voice resounds over an intercom, piped into Matthew’s office]: Matthew Damensen. Hi. I’m Matt Damon. And you’re not. I’ve been looking forward to meeting you. Some say you look like me, and you’ve been putting that imagined resemblance to good use, I hear…but that use comes to an end. I want it to be clear to you that I’m watching. And as you can see–or as you cannot see–I can get to you anywhere, at any time. I know where you work, I know where you live, and I know Emily, too. So there’s not…a lot of safety for you right now. You’re going to stop pretending to be me. Or I’m going to destroy you. And no, this isn’t like one of those cartoons where the bad guy says ‘destroy’ because they don’t allow him to say ‘kill’ in a cartoon. This is the actual ‘destroy’. Your life will come apart, piece by piece, as will your sanity. I will dismantle your world, Matthew. And the only way you have to stop me is to become me. But you can’t become me, because I’m Matt Damon. And I’m going to prove it…by being Matthew Damensen for awhile. Why? Because only Matt Damon can be whoever he wants to be. Not you. Not ‘Matthew’. I’ll be seeing you around. Or should I say, you’ll be seeing me.

[Intercom Feedback]

[An alarm goes off. Security guards rush outside, only to find four guards lying unconscious on the lawn…]

[Matthew runs out, too, and seeing the guards unconscious, hurries to check on them. He looks up and sees a man disappear…over the fence.]


[One guard comes to and points at Matthew]

Injured Guard: Him–i-it was him!

[The security guards turn towards him. Matthew backs up, his hands up]

Matthew: Wait–no! It wasn’t me! It was–there’s a man who looks like me! His name is Matt Damon, and he just went over that fence! It wasn’t me! [The guards grab his arms] NO! NOOO! IT WASN’T ME! I’M NOT MATT DAMOOOON! I’M NOT MATT DAMOOOOOON! AAAAAAAAAGH! MAAAAATT! MAAAAATT!

[Jason watches in shock, shakes his head and stares in blank terror at the fence and again at Matthew…]