Not Matt Damon, Scene A-4: The Gas Station

[Feeling dejected, Matthew Damensen goes to the gas station and enters the convenience store. Chris Helmsley walks in and immediately sees him.]

Chris: Matt? How did you get here before me? I told you to wait with the car, sir!

Matthew: Excuse me? What are you talking about?

Chris: Matt, this is no time for games. You cannot hitch rides with strangers. This is serious!

Matthew: Listen, I don’t know who you think I am, but…you got the wrong guy. See, I’m not….Wait…You’re not…Oh, this can’t be happening.

Chris: You’re right, sir, it can’t be. You need to come with me, now.

Matthew: I’m sorry, but no. I don’t even know who you are. I’m not going anywhere with you.

Chris [grabs Matthew]: Matt, you know me. It’s me, your bodyguard.

Matthew: My name’s not Matt, it’s Matthew, and um…look, wherever your real ward or whatever may be, I’m sure he’s still there. I’m sorry for this mixup, just call him.

[Chris calls. Matthew’s phone rings simultaneously.]

Matthew: Impossible! No, this is a mistake!

Chris: Enough! You’re coming with me, Matt! Now! We’ll get you help!

Matthew [grappling with Chris]: I’m not who you think I am! Get off me! I’m NOT Matt Damon!

[Customers stop and stare at scuffle going on]

Customer 1: It’s Matt Damon! He’s fighting!

Station Owner: Hey, get that out of my shop!

Chris [stops grappling with Matthew]: I never said you were. [Grabs him again] Who are you, and what have you done with him?

Matthew [emotional]: Listen, buddy, just stop. I’m just a regular guy. I’m just here for gas. My girlfriend just left me and I…I think I’m losing my mind here. And now…here you are…and I’m…here…I… [He slumps down next to the snacks on the shelf, cries]

Chris [nods]: I get it. You want some privacy. I get it. I’ll just head back to the car, then.

Matthew [gets up, his eyes red]: Sorry, folks. [Everyone is still looking at him.] I’m not Matt Damon, okay? It was just a mixup. Don’t…don’t Instagram me, ok? I’m not him. [Checks his cell phone: The phone reads: “1 Missed Call. Emily”] Of all the ill-timed… [sighs, puts phone away.]

[A few hours later an entertainment news blog reads: Matt Damon gets into brawl with bodyguard at gas station: Exclusive Photos! MATT LOSES IT: His Battle With A Personality Disorder]

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