Not Matt Damon, Scene A-8: SuperStu, Now In Theaters

[Somewhere in Mexico…a pair of Jeeps roll up to an unsuspecting village. Men wearing army fatigues get out and start walking.]

Soldier 1: We have come for our supplies, Pedro.
Pedro: But…but this is our food! It belongs to the people!
Soldier 2 [grabs him, scowling]: You didn’t suddenly grow a spiiine. Where is he? Where is SuperStu?
SuperStu [walking up coolly, cracking his neck muscles]: Who wants to know?
Soldier 1: We do, señor. Give up the food…or watch us destroy this pack of peasants!
SuperStu [rips off his sunglasses]: Now that’s just Stu-pid. [He throws the sunglasses at Soldier 1, headbutts Soldier 2, then slides through the Jeep to kick Soldiers 3 and 4. Soldier 1 corners him, weapon drawn.]
Soldier 1: It’s over. O-VER!…Get up you fools! This Gringo ain’t but one man! Bring out the villagers! Now!
SuperStu [snorts derisively]: Won’t work.

Matthew [watching in the theater]: You’ve got to be kidding me. This is…what is this?
Movie Patron: SHH! I’m trying to watch, man.
Matthew: What’s the point? It’s rubbish.
Movie Patron: Then leave, man. Just be quiet doin’ it! [Patron turns around.]

[Matthew gets up and leaves to the sound of gunfire on the movie screen. He glances at it, shakes his head, and leaves.]

Matthew: SuperStu. More like SuperSewage.
Movie Man [holding huge soda cup, sees him walk past]: Hey, you look a lot like SuperStu, man! Cool!

[Matthew starts running and doesn’t stop until he gets to his car. Panting, he rips off his sunglasses and looks at himself.]

Matthew: This was a bad idea. I’m never going to the theater again. [He drives home.]

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