Not Matt Damon, Scene A-9: The Next Day…

[Matthew picks up his co-worker Jason. Jason gets in the car and is surprised by Matthew’s new look.]

Jason: Wow! That is a major change in your look, Matthew. That’s obviously a fake goatee, because I’ve been looking at you like every day and this is the first time I’ve seen it. Going for the SuperStu?

Matthew [looking annoyed]: Yes. The SuperStu. [He turns to Jason] I’m Matt Damon, by the way. That’s…that’s the reason.

Jason: Oh. Oh, ha ha! I get it. Ha! That’s clever. You really do look like him. Glad to see you’re embracing your inner Matt Damon.

Matthew: That I am. Matt, I am.

Jason: Ah, nice pun. So, seriously…Emily was asking about you, she called me recently. Wanted to make sure you were okay. Said you…never got back to her. You alright, Matthew?

Matthew: It’s Matt.

Jason: Shortening the name?

Matthew: It’s Matt. Matt Damon.

Jason: Huh. Okay. Matt.

[Awkward silence]

Matthew: I’ve been training for a role. This is all an act, even…even Emily was an act.

Jason: Alright, Matt, look–let’s…let’s not go too far, here. I mean, come on. If you’re Matt Damon, where is the press?

Matthew: They don’t know I’m here.

Jason: Right. So I take it that means you started that fight at a gas station with your…bodyguard?

Matthew: Yes. Yes, I did.

[Awkward silence]

Jason: Listen, can you just…drop me off here? I’ve got some books I wanted to check out.

[Car doors lock.]

Jason: Hey, um, the doors…Matt? The doors are locked. Did you, did you mean to do that? Because I’d like to get out now. Matt. Matthew! I’d–[pulling on the door, pounding on the window] I’d like to get out now!

Matthew: CALM DOWN! You’re safe. With Matt Damon.

Jason: I don’t feel safe.

Matthew: I don’t want you to be late. Or to make up excuses to get out of my car. I don’t like that…and since I’m Matt Damon, I get what I like. Whether it’s the job, or the girl, or the film, I get it. Matt Damon…gets it.

Jason: Are you seriously doing this? Or are you just messing with me?

Matthew: No, I’m not seriously doing this. [Matthew laughs…a little too hard for a sane person. He looks at Jason.] You really thought I’d lost my mind and became Matt Damon? Ha ha!

Jason: You should watch the road, Matthew.

[Awkward silence]

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