Not Matt Damon, Scene B-1: Descent Into Mattness

[Matthew, at home, turns his video camera on.]

Matthew: Hi. This is Matthew Damensen. I’ve decided to record my thoughts on pretending to be Matt Damon for awhile, in case I lose my sanity in the process. I want to know when it’s no longer safe to do this. I have to see how far I can go. Maybe this is wrong, but…I think I’m going to kidnap Matt Damon…and live his life for awhile. I don’t just want to pretend to be Matt Damon. I want to actually be Matt Damon. What I’m suggesting is illegal. I may go to jail. Or worse. I’m ready. The first thing I need to do is monitor every celebrity news site, every tabloid, every late night show. I will track him…I will take down his bodyguard…and then Matt Damon…well, I’ll be Matt Damon from then on. I’m not sure what to do with…the other Matt Damon. I guess I’ll have to find a way to keep him secluded for awhile. Hmm. No, this is all wrong…I have to get Matt Damon away from his security first, then trade clothes with him. Tricky. But doable. Where, though? Where will he feel safest? No. No, this is crazy. I’m going to just…check myself in. I better burn this camera, and forget about Matt Damon.

[Matthew reaches over and turns off the camera.]

[Meanwhile…the real Matt Damon encounters an Instagram GIF of the mysterious fight between ‘him’ and his bodyguard…]

Matt Damon: So you think you can be me, huh, Matthew Damensen who lives at 821 Lark Ridge? Okay. I’m coming for you.

News reporter on TV: And in entertainment news, actor Matt Damon has checked himself into a mental institution. No word yet on the reason, but to say the least, this has a serious impact on his next film, SuperStu Versus, out in 2015.

[At the mental hospital, Jason evaluates Matt Damon.]

Jason: Huh. So you’re actually Matt Damon.

Matt: Yes. Yes I am.

Jason: Funny, ’cause there’s a guy who works here, looks just like you. Similar name, too. Matthew Damensen. You wouldn’t be him, would you?

Matt: No. I’m Matt Damon. I’m. Matt. Damon. Do I look like a ‘Matthew Damensen’ to you, sir?

Jason: Not really. Shall we start your first session, then?

Matt: Not until I see him.

Jason: He’s my friend, you know. I’m…not sure this is a good idea. I’m Jason, by the way, Jason Bateman? You’ve heard of me?

Matt: …No.

Jason: That never works on anyone. Why is it that Matthew gets all the attention for looking like Matt Damon, but I can’t be Jason Bateman? [sighs] Okay, tell you what, if you’re Matthew, and pranking me, I am going to…write you up. For suspension.

Matt: Trust me. I’m Matt Damon. You’ll see. So will he.

Jason: Alright, that’s a little scary. Are you having violent thoughts?

Matt: No.

Jason: Are you sure? ‘Cause that sounded like you really want to meet this…Matthew and maybe, I don’t know, teach him a lesson?

Matt: Well, I won’t lie to you, Jason.

Jason: You won’t lie to me…about what?

Matt: I just won’t lie to you.

Jason: No violent thoughts, then.

Matt: Nope. As peaceful as a coffee commercial.

Jason: A coffee commerc–Matthew, are you seriously doing this?

Matt: It’s not Matthew. It’s Matt Damon. And I can promise you, I’ve never been more serious in my life.

Jason: Okay. I’m going to write you up for this, and…you’re going to lose your license. It is an inappropriate abuse of my time and yours. What do you say to that?

Matt [smiling]: Write me up, then. It’s petty, but it’s a good start.

[Jason gets up and departs in disgust.]

Matt [smiling even more]: So it begins.

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