Not Matt Damon, Scene U-3: Matt Goes for a Run

[After Emily leaves, Matt goes back inside and walks into Matthew’s bedroom. The TV is on, and George Clooney is being interviewed.]

Reporter: …So are you concerned that all the recent negative press regarding Matt Damon has affected box office totals for The Monuments Men?

Clooney: What negative press?

Reporter: You are, of course, aware that Matt Damon was seen scuffling with his own bodyguard at a gas station not long ago, and still more recently, checked himself into a mental institution where he allegedly brutally assaulted four security guards—

Clooney: I really don’t see where you’re going with this.

Reporter: I’m just—

Clooney: See, this is why I don’t do a lot of press. You know what this is? It’s character assassination. Matt Damon is a good friend of mine and [standing up and pointing at the reporter] I will not have people like you painting him as a vicious psycho. I’m done with this. I’m done. Goodbye.

Matt [smiling]: This day just keeps getting better and better.

Clooney [rips off his microphone and speaks without one]: Matt Damon has done more for the human race than vultures like you ever will! If he’s taking care of himself, [storming off the set] who are you to judge?

Matt: Hmm. This may have gone too far. Ah, well. I’ll deal with it later.

[Minutes later, Matt Damon goes for a run. As he pauses for a break, he is accosted by news reporters.]

Reporter 1: Mr. Damon, I thought you’d been committed, how are you now?

Reporter 2: Matt, why’d you go to the loony bin, and why’d they let you out?

Reporter 3 [snapping photos]: You look well, Matt. How was your time in rehab?

[Matt tries his best not to react, and puts on a frightened, ordinary man’s deer-in-headlights expression.]

Matt [sounding genuinely frightened]: Who are you people? I don’t know who you think I am, but I’m not him! I’m not Matt Damon!

Reporter 2: Heh! You sure look like him. You think you can fool us?

Reporter 3: Still on the drugs, huh?

Matt [nearly losing his facade]: What drugs? What are you talking about?

[Gerard Butler, also coincidentally on an early morning run, jogs up, wearing a sweat-stained white t-shirt and baby blue shorts. He sees the scene and stares, then jogs over. Upon getting closer, he recognizes Matt.]

Gerard [in surprise with a bit of awe]: Matt Damon.

[Jogging up to the scene, he steps up to the reporters.]

Gerard: Hey, what are you doing to him?

Reporter 1: We’re just looking for some answers—

Gerard: He already gave you his answers. [Pointing at Matt] You need to get out of his face.

Reporter 2: Hey, now, we have the—

Gerard: Now.

Reporters 1-3: Mr. Damon, we just want to—

Matt [backing away]: Leave me alone! I’m not who you think I am!

Gerard: You need to back off of this guy! What you’re doing to him isn’t right!

Reporters 1-3: Mr. Damon! Mr. Damon!

Gerard [rips off his shirt, revealing dangerously chiseled muscles]: BACK OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOFF!

[Reporters 1-3 stop and stare, then realize who Gerard is.]


[Reporters 1-3 trip over each other trying to get away. Reporter 3 tries to snap a photo from a safe distance, but Reporter 2 smacks the camera out of his hand.]

Reporter 2: Just forget it, man! That’s Gerard Butler! He’ll kill us!

Reporter 3: My camera!


Reporter 1: I’m not going to make it!

Reporter 2: NO!

[The sound of an animalistic roar echoes through the park…]

[Moments later, Gerard Butler returns to Matt Damon, wearing a new jacket that’s too small and carrying three cell phone and three notebooks.]

Gerard: They won’t be botherin’ you anymore, Matt.

Matt [continuing to look frightened]: Thank you. But look, I’m not actually Matt Damon. My name’s Matthew Damensen. Sometimes people get us confused—uh, Matt Damon and I.

Gerard [laughing heartily]: Oh, that’s a rich one, Matthew! Never knew that was your real name! Ha ha!

Matt [smirking just a little]: Well, thanks anyway, for your help.

Gerard: No problem. Hey, listen, you want a running buddy? You can’t be out here alone, you know. Some psycho would love nothing more than to have Matt Damon duct taped in his basement somewhere, eh?

Matt: No, I’ll be fine. I could use some time to myself for awhile. Besides, I can handle myself.

Gerard: Well, alright then. Take care, “Matthew”. [He jogs away.]

[Meanwhile, in the distance, shrouded by the treeline, Chris Helmsley, dressed in camouflage, looks on via binoculars.]

Chris [to himself]: It’s happened. That impostor has kidnapped Matt and attempted to replace him. I have to get to the bottom of this. [Looks through his binoculars again.] You can fool everyone else, Matthew Damensen, but not the man who has stood by Matt Damon since We Bought A Zoo. [smiles] Game on, then…

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