Not Matt Damon, Scene U-5: Mental Hospital Lunch Room

A brief note: This brings the blog up to speed with the original scene, U-6, that I posted here at the start. From this point, we’ll pick up with Scene U-7 and advance the story of ‘Not Matt Damon’ to its thrilling–and as yet unwritten–finale. Upcoming guest stars will be Jonah Hill as an Intercom Guard at the hospital, Tom Hardy as Augustus St. John-Smythe (whose role I won’t reveal yet, but it should be fun), and Sarah Silverman…as herself.

And if it all works out well, this should feed into the planned sequel to Not Matt Damon, Not Matt Damon Again, which will prominently feature Tom Cruise and Christian Bale, if my story ideas remain as planned.

Anyway, on with the scene….

[Matthew sits alone at a table, staring at nothing.]

Matthew [thinking to himself]: I wanted to be Matt Damon, but…what if I can’t? Maybe Ben’s right, and it’s…I don’t know. I just want this nightmare to be over.

[Joseph Koblinzski walks over, carrying a lunch tray laden with medicine and turkey with gravy and green peas. He sees Matthew and his eyes open unnaturally wide.]

Joseph [smiling]: Matthew? What are you doing here? I thought you were on vacation! Is this one of your psychoanalyst experiments? If so, I’m totally in. Want me to start a riot? Ha! Naw, I’m just kidding with you. They don’t even let us have plastic spoons in here. How am I supposed to eat with a rubber spork?

Matthew [stunned]: You know me?

Joseph: Of course I know you! We work together all the time, on me. You were the one who first set me straight about that You-Know-Who business.

Matthew: So…you don’t think you’re…you know, him?

Joseph: Not anymore! I’m just regular old Joe Ko these days. And it’s all thanks to you, you participating provider, you!

Matthew [feeling hopeful]: Well, that’s…that’s great, Joe. I’m really proud of you. So…[suddenly overwhelmed by grief] so what are your plans? Are they letting you out soon?

Joseph: Well, maybe. But some guy’s going to follow me around for awhile in case I decide to go all ‘Treadstone’ on everybody. Still, I think I can smuggle back some candy for you if you want.

Matthew: Actually, there is something you could do for me, but…nah, that wouldn’t work out well.

Joseph: What? Why not? You helped me, Matthew. I can help you, too. I owe you one.

Matthew: Well, I guess it doesn’t matter. We’re here together now, might as well tell you. [He leans towards Joseph.] They put me in here. I’m a patient now.

Joseph: Ha! I knew it was true what they say. Oh, gee. That probably sounds totally insensitive. I just meant they say therapists often need therapy the most. So what are you in for?

Matthew: This is going to sound crazy.

Joseph: Well, I would hope so! They don’t check you in here for being sane.

Matthew: …Sometimes they do.

Joseph: What do you mean?

Matthew: You know, this might upset you and you’re making too much good progress. I really think we should just drop this line of thought.

Joseph: Oh, come on. How could what you’re going through have anything to do with You-Know-Who?

Matthew: I’m sorry. This was a mistake.

[A Nurse approaches with a pill in a cup. She smiles as if she wants an autograph.]

Nurse: Here’s your medicine, Mr. Damon.

Joseph: Damon? What, did you change your name?

Matthew [watching Joseph with growing dread]: No. It’s—uh, actually my middle name is Daim-Aung. My mom was very into Laotian culture at the time.

Joseph [with a subtle downward movement of one eyebrow]: I know what I heard, Matthew, and it wasn’t Daim-Aung. It was Dam-on. Huh. Guess that would make you Matthew Dam-on. What is that, Kryptonian? They lock you in here because you’re SuperMatt or something?

Matthew [grasping for straws]: Ah! Yeah—that’s exactly it. I came from another planet and…I’m Mattman.

Joseph: Did you just say you’re Batman?

[Dr. Affledge, consulting with one of the nurses, looks up. He walks over, a stern look on his face.]

Ben [looking at both Matthew and Joseph]: Everything okay over here? Mr. Koblinzski, I’d like to run some tests on you—the uh, schedule got shifted around, I hope you don’t mind. Would you come with me? Please?

Joseph: Okay. [To Matthew:] Take care, Batman.

Ben: Are you talking to me?

Joseph: Uh, nooo. You’re not Batman. Anybody who thinks you ever could be belongs in here with us.

Ben [stops]: Alright. If you want to play by those rules. See that guy over there? Yeah. The one you were just talking to? That’s Matt Damon. The real one. And you will never be Matt Damon.

Joseph: And I’m totally comfortable with that.

Ben: Comfortable with what? Can you say his name?

Joseph: That guy’s name is Matthew. He’s not—that other guy. You guys have got it all wrong.

Ben: Yeah? How do you know? Is it because you’re Matt Damon?

Joseph: No! Don’t start with that! I’m done with it!

Ben: But is it done with you? Tell me, out of all the faces in here, why did you go straight to Matt Damon? Huh? Did you see yourself, were you just talking to yourself?

Joseph: No! I was talking to Matthew!

Ben: You were talking to Matt Damon. If you weren’t, then there’s only one other possibility.

Joseph: No, there’s plenty of other—[he puts his hands on his face as he starts getting confused]…no, I didn’t believe that! I’m not…him…I’m Joe…[starts staggering] I’m Joe…

Ben [leaning in close]: I could have proven my point about Batman by throwing you through a plate glass window and catching you at the last second. Will you be talking about Batman again?

Joseph [breathing heavily, answers as if in fear of pain]: No…

Ben: No. You won’t. See that? [Pointing at Matthew] That’s not a Bat. That’s Matt. Matt Damon. I’ll take you back to your room, and Dr. Botmin will continue his work with you. Come on.

Matthew [shaking his head, thinking to himself again]: I’ve got to get out of this place. I’ve got to find a way to prove I’m not Matt Damon. But how? Only one way: Matt and I in the same room. A dangerous plan. But there has to be a way…

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