Not Matt Damon, Scene U-8: Plan of Escape, Inside Chris Helmsley’s Hummer

[A design schematic of the hospital is displayed on the half-meter touch screen on the console inside the vehicle. Chris and Emily stare at it intently.]

Chris: The hospital is actually easier to escape than to approach without authorization.  The only way in is to be a patient, a relative of a patient, a member of the staff…

Emily: …Someone who’s supposed to be inside.

Chris: Right.  Unless…there were some set of circumstances that would require outside help.  Some kind of maintenance problem.  But most things like that are obvious targets, too hard to sabotage without raising an alarm.  Since that last incident, security has gotten much tighter.  I couldn’t handle that number of guards without having to do serious damage.  No, we need a more subtle hand.  You see, there’s always something that can easily break.

Emily: Like what?  A computer?

Chris: Simpler than that.  I’ve already got a plan in motion.

Emily: You have someone on the inside?

Chris [his expression turning cold all of a sudden]: No.

Emily [frowning]: What’s wrong?

Chris: It’s just…maybe you shouldn’t be involved in this.

Emily: Justice has to be done here.  I’ll do whatever it takes.  I don’t need to know anything more than you need me to know.  Let’s get Matt and get out.

Chris: Right.  Here’s what we need to do.  [Aside]  I’m going to break the fourth wall here and say that I really enjoy moments like this.  Because the audience doesn’t know the plan.  They get surprised, but I’m sure they want to know beforehand what the plan is.  I mean, it must be torture for you right now, I bet you’re dying to know just how clever this plan is going to be.  [Laughs heartily]  Well, I’m not going to tell you.

Emily: What are you doing?  Are you talking to someone?  Wait—is this a movie?

Chris: What?  Of course not.  Just…alright.  Yes.  Yes, it’s a movie.  But don’t tell anyone.  Especially Matt—he’ll kill me.


[At the Mental Hospital…]

[Ben puts a dollar into the soda machine and repeatedly presses the Generic, No-Name Cola button, because really, aren’t we all tired of shameless product placement in the middle of a movie? Besides, we’ll just knock him through a 7-Eleven later if we want to add some humor.  Maybe they’ll have a “Matt Damon Mountain Dew” Slurpee.  I’m totally ruining this scene, aren’t I?]

Ben: Huh.  That’s odd.  Hey, Dr. Botmin?

Jason [walking by briskly, suddenly stops]: Yeah?

Ben: Are you having trouble with this soda machine?

Jason: Uh, no, not lately.

Ben [pressing the button]: It just took my dollar and it’s not [pressing button again] giving me a soda.

Jason: Maybe it’s out of cola.

Ben [sounding irritated]: It’s not out of cola.  The guy just refilled it like, two days ago.

Jason: Interesting that you noticed that.

Ben: Interesting?

Jason: It’s just…usually people don’t remember stuff like that.  Especially when they’re busy damaging my patients.

Ben [frowning]: Excuse me?

Jason: Joe Koblinzski.  Did you set him off over that Matt Damon thing?

Ben: He was talking to Matt Damon.  I think that counts as setting himself off, Doctor.

Jason: I just want to put you on notice, Benjamin.  You may think you have special privileges because you’re here specifically for Matt Damon, but that’s not carte blanche for abusing my patients, do you understand?

Ben: Maybe you should keep your patients on a tighter leash, Jason.  And it’s Benyamin, by the way.  Also, there’s a “Doctor” in front of that.  If a man spends as long as we spent earning that title, we’ve earned the right to punch people in the face for not using it.  Am I right, Jason?

Jason [tense]: What?  [scoffs]  You’re not going to punch me in the face, are you?

Ben [smiling]: Of course not, Dr. Botmin.  I just want to put you on notice.  [He stops smiling.]  Don’t get in my face again.  And keep your patients away from my patients.  Like common sense would dictate when my patient is Matt Damon and your patient thinks he is.

[He kicks soda machine, orange soda falls out. Ben grabs the orange soda, opens it and takes a drink.]

Ben: I’m going to have them replace this machine.  [He walks away.]  When I want a cola, I don’t want orange soda!

[Jason frowns at the soda machine, then puts his hands on his hips, shakes his head, and walks away.]

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