Monthly Archives: June 2014

Not Matt Damon, Scene V-1: The Press Conference

Scene V-1: The Press Conference

[Matt Damon stands before several microphones attached to a podium. A seemingly endless multitude of cameras flash.]

Matt: I appreciate your attention. I know many of you have been gravely concerned about me and the strange reports you have no doubt been hearing.

[Meanwhile, at Chris Helmsley’s home….]

Chris [swiping at a tablet]: Something has come across my new Twitter feed. Matt! The television! You have to see this!

[Matthew and Emily emerge from separate rooms and enter the living room. Matthew turns on the TV.]

Matthew [looking at Matt Damon on TV]: This isn’t good.

Chris: I fear our plans to stop Matthew have become much more complicated. If he mentions anything of what happened today…

Matt [on TV]: …been hearing. I would like to set the record straight as much as possible. I very briefly spent time at a mental institution. There, I received the best of care and rediscovered myself. Unfortunately, not everyone there had my best interests at heart, so I decided to pursue my career once again and fulfill all the various obligations I have made with Universal Studios and Warner Bros. Pictures. I have kept a low profile and have completed my part in my upcoming film, Here’s Baby Too. I look forward to seeing you all at the premiere in two weeks. [He talks over the reporters’ shouting] Thank you.
[Matt walks away from the podium, reporters shouting after him.]

[Moments later, Chris’ phone rings.]

Chris: Hello?

Matt: Hello, Chris. How’ve you been?

Chris [standing up, enraged]: Matthew! Your madness will end soon!

Matt [laughing]: Pathetic. But then, you always were weak. Choosing that imposter over me? Oh, yeah, you’re definitely fired. Don’t worry, your severance check is in the mail. What, you think I didn’t know you were watching me? You really thought you were the only one? Tut tut, Christopher. There’ll be others who will treat you better than I did. In the meantime, at least I can savor your pain. All that effort you put in to rescue a shell of a man who isn’t even really Matt Damon.

Chris: You’re lying. I saw you! You told them you weren’t Matt Damon! Those reporters! Gerard Butler!

Matt: And you believed it. Some people hear what they want to hear. I must have been insufferable for a noble man like you.

Chris: You’re not even Matt Damon. This is some fake persona you’ve cooked up in your head!

Matt [chuckles softly]: You’re just too much fun. Not even a real challenge. So where is the uh, “real” Matt Damon? Would you put him on the phone for me? Oh, yes. I know he’s there in your little hovel.

Chris: I shouldn’t give you the pleasure. You did all this so you could be him.

Matt: Shouldn’t…but will.

[Chris locks eyes with Matthew. He hands over the phone.]

Chris: It’s for you.

Matthew [reaches for the phone, caught between fear and rage, his voice raw]: I’m here.

Matt: So you’ve managed to escape. It’s criminal I didn’t break you myself before locking you in that loony bin.

Matthew: You are a criminal.

Matt: “You are a criminal, Matt.” Why won’t you say my name? I wonder if your so-called rescuers would react the same if they knew the truth? Oh, and I saw your video, Matthew. You were right, you should have burned that camera. Disturbing stuff, there. It would be an absolute tragedy if that video made its way to all the reporters who can’t stop following me around. Or to Emily. Or to the police. Heh. Or maybe we should just skip it all and go for broke, put it on YouTube. Ooh. You really are at a severe disadvantage. You see, first, I’m Matt Damon. Second, your only allies are people who mistakenly believe you are. Take that away, and you’re back in a straitjacket. So what’s your play, Matthew?

Matthew: If I told you that, I’d be stupid. Like you. [He throws the cell phone at the wall in rage.] Chris, let’s get this son of a dish.

Chris [smiling]: I thought you’d never ask. [He stops smiling] Also, you could have just hung up, you know. I had a lot of contacts in that phone, I hope it’s not broken. [He gets up to look for phone.] Did it…go behind the entertainment center?

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Luigi Death Stare (Ridin’ Dirty Remix) – A Gaming Rap

I just had to write a song inspired by this new fixation on the Luigi Death Stare. This is a great time for me, as I always played as Luigi as a kid, being the younger brother. So, here we go…[music]

They always said I played second fiddle
So maybe you can figure out this riddle:
I’m rollin’ past you to first place
While you get sent back to the middle
Of the rest of this pack of wolves
I know you did the very best that you could
I got a blue shell, my hat reads ‘L’
So trust me when I say that I’m that good
Roll past you in the neighborhood
And time slows down as I go around you
I’ve been a headline since ‘Mario Is Missing!’
So what the shell took you this long to listen?
The Gold Cup’s mine so I shine
Doing a drive-by is my sole mission
And I mean that literally
The death stare is my glare
How else could it be?
Just accept it–you’re not as good as me
Year of Luigi till 2033
And beyond–you look up and I’m gone
So I look back as I pass your kart
You’re on Lap 5 and I’m 11
I’m on fire like the old Chris Evans
Flame on–we stay strong and stay gone
I could beat Sonic, I’m that fast–so game on

Chorus:
They see Luigi
And they hatin’
He does the stare-and-drive
With grace like figure-skatin’
Yes, he gives the Death Stare
While they still waiting
Tryin’ to catch him ridin’ dirty [repeat]

I got a mansion that I vacuumed twice
It stays fresh and clean–they say it’s so nice
Are you regrettin’ what you did with your life
So much that you gotta hate on mine?
‘Cause my flows shine, ’cause I’m so fine
‘Cause I sold a million and you sold dimes?
It’s just jealousy when you all yell at me
‘Cause you got no hope of outsellin’ me
From here to Tel Aviv
I’m a like a celery
Stay green and fresh just like a melon be
With new words attached to old melody
I stand the test of time like I’m Celebi
Went from cleanin’ pipes
To being king of life
Became a Superstar Saga overnight
Paper Mario? Now you sorry though
I’m straight legendary like Lucario
And no matter how fast your kart goes
I’m in first class and you still ridin’ coach
I can handle the hairpins, you’re too slow
One look at my stare and then you know
I was a DLC on New Mario
I think now you see that I can run the show

[Chorus]

Mirror image on an NES Remix
Extra challenging, you can’t beat this
You’d have to quit your job, become beatniks
I was never a character that was B-list
You got a flow, but you remain beatless
Winter is coming, but you remain heatless
My green fireball suddenly inspires all
They hashtag me suddenly–they liars all
Newcomers to Luigi’s bandwagon
I hit ’em with a Super Smash before they tag in
…And I can soar like dragons
While you look like something that the cat dragged in
So they thought I was a has-been
I danced with the stars as Nintendo cashed in
And while you wait for it to happen
I’m already past you, looking at your reaction
And afterwards I’m laughin’
Beneath the moustache and hat is deep passion
So I can be team captain
No question box about it–it’s a fact, man

[Chorus]

Not Matt Damon, Scene U-10: Clean Getaway

[The Cola truck pulls into a large garage. A man wearing a hat pulled down over his eyes walks up. Chris gets out of the truck and starts taking off the Cola uniform.]

Chris: Thank you.

Mystery Man: We’re even now, so no gratitude required. Did you get him out?

Chris: I did. No casualties.

Mystery Man: Good.

Chris: But…the driver is still out in the back. I marked the spot where I neutralized him. [Chris hands the man a folded map.]

Mystery Man: Alright, let’s get Matt out. Then I’ll go.

[They go to the back of the truck, open it, then climb into the trailer. They open the soda machine, and Matthew and Emily climb out.]

Mystery Man: Here. [He throws some clothes to Matthew.] Won’t do to have you wearing a soda uniform. [Looks at Emily] And I take it you’re the wild card here. Nice work.

Emily: Thanks. [Looks at him closer] Wait, are you—

Chris: The less you know, the better.

[Mystery Man gets in the truck, starts it, and drives off.]

Chris: Let’s get out of here. We’ll go to my safe house. From there, we can make a plan to deal with Matthew Damensen once and for all.

[Matthew, dressed now in a blue shirt and khakis, swallows hard, looking awkward.]

Matthew: Uh, maybe we should…go to his place. See if he left any clues behind as to his next move.

Chris: No. He could return there at any time. It would be too dangerous. To put a stop to this madness, we need to do it publicly. Matthew won’t be able to resist maintaining the Matt Damon persona, so he’ll have to show up at a major event.

Emily: So does he have any movies out soon? Award shows?

Chris: Hmm. … There’s the Here’s Baby Too premiere in two weeks. That should give us more time to prepare. [He looks at Matthew.] I can get you into the premiere, but after that, you’ll go it alone. Only you can stop Matthew from stealing your life. This is your battle. I cannot interfere.

Matthew: Well, what do you want me to do, arrest him? I’m not a cop. Who’s even going to believe this story? It’s crazy enough to land us all in an asylum.

Chris: I know. But I heard it said once that you never know what a man is like until you fight him. If I’m right, Matthew will have had no combat training. That should give you the advantage.

Matthew [looks around, feeling awkward again]: Right. Good point. So then why do we need to prepare?

Chris: Because I could be wrong. We don’t know how long he’s been planning this or what skills he may have acquired along the way.

Matthew: Not as many as you’d think. I mean, odds are he’s just trading on his looks and maybe can’t fight any better than a guy who just watches fights on TV.

[Chris and Emily look at Matthew. Matthew feels even more uncomfortable.]

Matthew: It’s just a hunch. I don’t know. Either way, I guess it’s back to the gym for me, huh?

Chris: Matt…[shakes his head in dismay] what have they done to you?

Matthew: What? What do you mean?

Chris: The gym? A public gym?

Matthew [about to nod in realization, he stops himself]: What? No. I wouldn’t be caught dead in there. It’s…been awhile? Since I’ve seen your gym, Chris? Too long, really. I feel out of shape. Maybe we can get in a few practice rounds before the big day, eh?

Chris [becoming emotional]: I thought you’d never ask, sir. Thank you. May I…may I have a hug, sir?

Matthew [frowning]: What? No. No. Too far.

Not Matt Damon, Scene U-9: The Rescue of ‘Matt Damon’

[A Generic Cola truck drives down the street, then pulls to a stop. The driver lowers the ramp on the back of the truck. As he opens the truck, Chris appears beside him, puts a hand over his mouth, and injects him with a needle. The driver falls limp, and Chris hauls him into the truck bed, closing the door behind himself. Moments later, the door opens, and Chris is attempting to wear the driver’s uniform; it is clearly too small. Emily, who has been watching the street from afar, now hurries up.]

Emily [seeing how tight Chris’ uniform is]: Wow. This is not going to work.

Chris: Of course it will. No soda company will pay for a uniform that’s above a Large. It’s standard procedure. I’ll see you in there. Are you ready?

Emily [taking a deep breath]: Yes.

Chris: Let’s go. And remember, if it looks bad, just walk away. This will be our only chance if we draw any suspicion at all.

[Emily walks up to the gate of the hospital and rings the bell.]

Intercom: May I help you?

Emily: Uh, yes. I’m here to visit a patient, Mr. Matt Damon?

Intercom: And your name?

Emily: My name? Uh, Sarah Silverman.

Intercom: Relationship to the patient?

Emily: Significant other. Uh, girlfriend.

Intercom: You look very different from your YouTube video, Ms. Silverman. I also remember you quite well from your cameo on the TV show Monk. Would you be able to sing the song from that episode for me, as verification?

Emily: Excuse me, is this for you personally, or do you normally request songs from visitors? May I speak to a supervisor?

Intercom: You’re not Sarah Silverman.

Voice of Dr. Ben Affledge [in background]: What’s going on here? Is that the soda guy?

Intercom [muffled]: No sir—

Ben: No, “Doctor”.

Intercom: No, Doctor. Some woman wanting to see Matt Damon, claims she’s Sarah Silverman, but she’s not, sir. I know she’s not.

Ben: I think she knows that, too. If you were privileged to specific information about the patient, you would understand, but this is above your pay grade. I’ll authorize the visit. Let her in.

Intercom: Sir—Doctor—shouldn’t we clear it with Dr. Botmin—

Ben: Dr. Botmin is not here right now, and I have the authority to grant her access. Would you like me to call him, interrupt his session and inform him you are denying one of our patients his right to visitors?

Intercom: No, Doctor.

Ben: Open the gate. Open the gate!

[The gates open, and Emily walks in. The Cola truck drives up and stops near the gate. Chris gets out and rings the bell.]

Intercom [sounding annoyed]: May I help you?

Chris [putting on a Southern accent]: Ah, yeeuh, eye got uh soder merchine ohder, ovahnight dehlivery. Can y’all open up and let me drive it up to the door? My back is killin’ me today. This is the third merchine done broke this week. Eye mean, how hard is it? Pert in de doller, press de butt’n. Soder out de mouth, soder in de mouth.

Intercom: [sigh] You done?

Chris: Not yit! I’m waiting fer you to open dis here gate so I kin git done!

Intercom: Name on the invoice?

Chris: Pardon?

Intercom: Is there a name, on the invoice? Who placed the order?

Ben [again in background]: Is that the soda guy? I mean, do I have to do your job for you? I’m getting sick and tired of the incompetence around here! [On intercom:] Bring it right up to the door, I’ll meet you. Hurry up, I’ve got a 2:00 to make. [In background again:] You really are an idiot, you know that? … Well I have to ride you about it or nothing’ll get done!

Chris: Thank y’suh.

[Gate opens, and Chris gets into the truck, laughing to himself, and drives up the long driveway. He slowly passes Emily as she walks up. She looks nervous. Chris looks over at her as he passes.]

Chris [nodding curtly]: Ma’am.

[Emily reaches the door as Chris is hauling the soda machine out of the truck on a cart. Ben meets them at the front doors.]

Ben: Sarah? Let me get you signed in, this way to the front desk. Wait there for me, I’ll be with you in a minute. Soda guy? Follow me.

[Chris and Ben walk briskly through the corridors.]

Ben: Careful around those corners.

Chris: Yessuh.

Ben: It’s “Doctor”, actually.

Chris: A man o’ learnin’. [Grunts] I do admiah that.

[They reach the soda machine.]

Ben: Alright, here it is. You going to be alright here?

Chris: Yes, Doctah.

Ben: My name is Dr. Affledge. If anyone gives you trouble, just have them page me.

Chris: Thank you, kindly.

[Chris proceeds to hastily unplug the soda machine, then set up the new one. He begins whistling the theme from ‘Marvel’s The Avengers’.]

Chris [to himself]: Almost time.

[Meanwhile, in the Cafeteria…

[Matthew sits calmly, but within he is troubled at the news of receiving a visitor. He knows the visitor must be here to see Matt Damon, not him. Emily walks in, fear and concern dueling for control of her face. Ben is already standing in the room, arms folded.]

Matthew [standing]: Emily? Emily!

Emily [frowning]: You know me?

[Matthew instantly realizes his mistake—she must think he is Matt Damon. But why would she be here to see the real Matt Damon?]

Matthew: I’m sorry—you just…look like someone I once knew. Have we met before?

Ben: So she’s Emily? Not Sarah? Matt, are you sure you remember her as Emily, and not Sarah?

[Emily swallows hard, her expression tense.]

Matthew: I’ve been—you know my memory has been spotty.

Ben: I’m not so sure, Matt. Or is it still Matthew?

Emily [looking at Ben, eyes widened]: What?

[The fire alarm goes off.]

Ben: Ugh, what, now a fire drill? We have to go, guys. Come on. Head to the exit!

Emily [walks up to Matthew as he stands]: I’m here to get you out, Matt. Do as I say.

Ben: Come on!

[Ben takes Matthew’s arm and the trio races down the hallway. They reach the nearby soda machines where Chris continues to work, indifferent to the noise of the alarms.]

Ben: Hey! Soda guy! That’s the fire alarm! Everybody has to leave!

[Ben puts a hand to the back of his neck, then slumps forward. Matthew catches him. Chris steps forward, and helps pull Ben over to the wall. He then opens a soda can and pours it out on the floor and on Ben’s shoes.]

Emily [putting a cover back on a syringe and hiding it in her pocket]: Will he be okay?

Chris: Yes. Matt! This way! Emily!

[Chris opens the old vending machine and Matthew and Emily climb inside. The false soda shelf closes behind them. Chris closes the vending machine and begins wheeling it away. Without incident, he gets the machine to the exit and loads it into the truck. He gets into the truck and drives away slowly, checking his side-view mirrors. The large front lawn is crowded with patients, doctors, and security guards. Chris swallows and tries to project total indifference as he continues to drive.]

[Dr. Jason Botmin watches as the Cola truck drives past. He checks off his list of names on the clipboard.]

Jason: I’ve got everyone on my list. Did we get everybody out?

Security Guard 7: Everyone…except…[flipping pages]…I don’t see Dr. Affledge out here.

Jason [again looking at the Cola truck as it nears the exit]: Hmm. Could be nothing. He typically breaks protocol twice a day. But send three guards in to check. Wait! Is Matt Damon out here?

Security Guard 7: Let me see…uh…no, sir. [Looks up at Jason] He’s the only other name unaccounted for. Dr. Affledge was escorting a guest to see him, sir, a…Sarah Silverman. Our desk team didn’t buy it, but Dr. Affledge insisted she be brought in.

Jason [frowning]: Has she come back out? [Grabs walkie-talkie]
Security teams Vega and Dhalsim, go back inside and sweep the north hallway up to and including the cafeteria, leave five of your team at the front door.

Security Guard 7: Sir, should we lock down?

Jason: Post more guards at the exit, and be ready to lock down the second I give the order.

Security Guard 7: Sir.

Walkie Talkie: This is Security Team Vega. Dr. Affledge is unconscious here in the hallway.

Jason: LOCK DOWN! NOW! Team Vega, is there a guy in a soda uniform anywhere around?

Vega Leader: No, sir—looks like someone spilled soda and Dr. Affledge must have slipped and fell.

Jason: That’s not coincidence! [Runs towards the entrance gate waving his hands] HEEY!! STOP THAT TRUUUCK!

Gate Security [on walkie]: Sir, the truck’s already gone. It had the same guy who came in, nothing seemed out of place.

Jason [on walkie]: Matt Damon! Is there any sign of him?

Walkie: This is Dhalsim Leader—no sign of him. [static] Team Vega—no one here but the Dr. He seems to be okay. No head trauma I can see. I’m not so sure he fell.

Jason: That’s because he didn’t fall, someone wanted it to look that way! [puts down the walkie talkie] What is going on? [Presses walkie button] Gate Security, contact the authorities and let them know we believe someone has—

Gate Security: Sir?

Jason: Belay that. [To himself:] If they find out Matt Damon escaped this place, we’ll never live it down. And…something doesn’t add up. [Presses walkie]: Seven?

Security Guard 7: This is me.

Jason: Did our desk team allow Dr. Affledge to—wait. The soda guy. [Grinds his teeth in rage] Of course. Teams Vega and Dhalsim, take Dr. Affledge to the cafeteria and hold him there until I arrive. AND TURN OFF THAT FIRE ALARM!

Vega Leader: Yes, sir.