Not Matt Damon, Scene U-9: The Rescue of ‘Matt Damon’

[A Generic Cola truck drives down the street, then pulls to a stop. The driver lowers the ramp on the back of the truck. As he opens the truck, Chris appears beside him, puts a hand over his mouth, and injects him with a needle. The driver falls limp, and Chris hauls him into the truck bed, closing the door behind himself. Moments later, the door opens, and Chris is attempting to wear the driver’s uniform; it is clearly too small. Emily, who has been watching the street from afar, now hurries up.]

Emily [seeing how tight Chris’ uniform is]: Wow. This is not going to work.

Chris: Of course it will. No soda company will pay for a uniform that’s above a Large. It’s standard procedure. I’ll see you in there. Are you ready?

Emily [taking a deep breath]: Yes.

Chris: Let’s go. And remember, if it looks bad, just walk away. This will be our only chance if we draw any suspicion at all.

[Emily walks up to the gate of the hospital and rings the bell.]

Intercom: May I help you?

Emily: Uh, yes. I’m here to visit a patient, Mr. Matt Damon?

Intercom: And your name?

Emily: My name? Uh, Sarah Silverman.

Intercom: Relationship to the patient?

Emily: Significant other. Uh, girlfriend.

Intercom: You look very different from your YouTube video, Ms. Silverman. I also remember you quite well from your cameo on the TV show Monk. Would you be able to sing the song from that episode for me, as verification?

Emily: Excuse me, is this for you personally, or do you normally request songs from visitors? May I speak to a supervisor?

Intercom: You’re not Sarah Silverman.

Voice of Dr. Ben Affledge [in background]: What’s going on here? Is that the soda guy?

Intercom [muffled]: No sir—

Ben: No, “Doctor”.

Intercom: No, Doctor. Some woman wanting to see Matt Damon, claims she’s Sarah Silverman, but she’s not, sir. I know she’s not.

Ben: I think she knows that, too. If you were privileged to specific information about the patient, you would understand, but this is above your pay grade. I’ll authorize the visit. Let her in.

Intercom: Sir—Doctor—shouldn’t we clear it with Dr. Botmin—

Ben: Dr. Botmin is not here right now, and I have the authority to grant her access. Would you like me to call him, interrupt his session and inform him you are denying one of our patients his right to visitors?

Intercom: No, Doctor.

Ben: Open the gate. Open the gate!

[The gates open, and Emily walks in. The Cola truck drives up and stops near the gate. Chris gets out and rings the bell.]

Intercom [sounding annoyed]: May I help you?

Chris [putting on a Southern accent]: Ah, yeeuh, eye got uh soder merchine ohder, ovahnight dehlivery. Can y’all open up and let me drive it up to the door? My back is killin’ me today. This is the third merchine done broke this week. Eye mean, how hard is it? Pert in de doller, press de butt’n. Soder out de mouth, soder in de mouth.

Intercom: [sigh] You done?

Chris: Not yit! I’m waiting fer you to open dis here gate so I kin git done!

Intercom: Name on the invoice?

Chris: Pardon?

Intercom: Is there a name, on the invoice? Who placed the order?

Ben [again in background]: Is that the soda guy? I mean, do I have to do your job for you? I’m getting sick and tired of the incompetence around here! [On intercom:] Bring it right up to the door, I’ll meet you. Hurry up, I’ve got a 2:00 to make. [In background again:] You really are an idiot, you know that? … Well I have to ride you about it or nothing’ll get done!

Chris: Thank y’suh.

[Gate opens, and Chris gets into the truck, laughing to himself, and drives up the long driveway. He slowly passes Emily as she walks up. She looks nervous. Chris looks over at her as he passes.]

Chris [nodding curtly]: Ma’am.

[Emily reaches the door as Chris is hauling the soda machine out of the truck on a cart. Ben meets them at the front doors.]

Ben: Sarah? Let me get you signed in, this way to the front desk. Wait there for me, I’ll be with you in a minute. Soda guy? Follow me.

[Chris and Ben walk briskly through the corridors.]

Ben: Careful around those corners.

Chris: Yessuh.

Ben: It’s “Doctor”, actually.

Chris: A man o’ learnin’. [Grunts] I do admiah that.

[They reach the soda machine.]

Ben: Alright, here it is. You going to be alright here?

Chris: Yes, Doctah.

Ben: My name is Dr. Affledge. If anyone gives you trouble, just have them page me.

Chris: Thank you, kindly.

[Chris proceeds to hastily unplug the soda machine, then set up the new one. He begins whistling the theme from ‘Marvel’s The Avengers’.]

Chris [to himself]: Almost time.

[Meanwhile, in the Cafeteria…

[Matthew sits calmly, but within he is troubled at the news of receiving a visitor. He knows the visitor must be here to see Matt Damon, not him. Emily walks in, fear and concern dueling for control of her face. Ben is already standing in the room, arms folded.]

Matthew [standing]: Emily? Emily!

Emily [frowning]: You know me?

[Matthew instantly realizes his mistake—she must think he is Matt Damon. But why would she be here to see the real Matt Damon?]

Matthew: I’m sorry—you just…look like someone I once knew. Have we met before?

Ben: So she’s Emily? Not Sarah? Matt, are you sure you remember her as Emily, and not Sarah?

[Emily swallows hard, her expression tense.]

Matthew: I’ve been—you know my memory has been spotty.

Ben: I’m not so sure, Matt. Or is it still Matthew?

Emily [looking at Ben, eyes widened]: What?

[The fire alarm goes off.]

Ben: Ugh, what, now a fire drill? We have to go, guys. Come on. Head to the exit!

Emily [walks up to Matthew as he stands]: I’m here to get you out, Matt. Do as I say.

Ben: Come on!

[Ben takes Matthew’s arm and the trio races down the hallway. They reach the nearby soda machines where Chris continues to work, indifferent to the noise of the alarms.]

Ben: Hey! Soda guy! That’s the fire alarm! Everybody has to leave!

[Ben puts a hand to the back of his neck, then slumps forward. Matthew catches him. Chris steps forward, and helps pull Ben over to the wall. He then opens a soda can and pours it out on the floor and on Ben’s shoes.]

Emily [putting a cover back on a syringe and hiding it in her pocket]: Will he be okay?

Chris: Yes. Matt! This way! Emily!

[Chris opens the old vending machine and Matthew and Emily climb inside. The false soda shelf closes behind them. Chris closes the vending machine and begins wheeling it away. Without incident, he gets the machine to the exit and loads it into the truck. He gets into the truck and drives away slowly, checking his side-view mirrors. The large front lawn is crowded with patients, doctors, and security guards. Chris swallows and tries to project total indifference as he continues to drive.]

[Dr. Jason Botmin watches as the Cola truck drives past. He checks off his list of names on the clipboard.]

Jason: I’ve got everyone on my list. Did we get everybody out?

Security Guard 7: Everyone…except…[flipping pages]…I don’t see Dr. Affledge out here.

Jason [again looking at the Cola truck as it nears the exit]: Hmm. Could be nothing. He typically breaks protocol twice a day. But send three guards in to check. Wait! Is Matt Damon out here?

Security Guard 7: Let me see…uh…no, sir. [Looks up at Jason] He’s the only other name unaccounted for. Dr. Affledge was escorting a guest to see him, sir, a…Sarah Silverman. Our desk team didn’t buy it, but Dr. Affledge insisted she be brought in.

Jason [frowning]: Has she come back out? [Grabs walkie-talkie]
Security teams Vega and Dhalsim, go back inside and sweep the north hallway up to and including the cafeteria, leave five of your team at the front door.

Security Guard 7: Sir, should we lock down?

Jason: Post more guards at the exit, and be ready to lock down the second I give the order.

Security Guard 7: Sir.

Walkie Talkie: This is Security Team Vega. Dr. Affledge is unconscious here in the hallway.

Jason: LOCK DOWN! NOW! Team Vega, is there a guy in a soda uniform anywhere around?

Vega Leader: No, sir—looks like someone spilled soda and Dr. Affledge must have slipped and fell.

Jason: That’s not coincidence! [Runs towards the entrance gate waving his hands] HEEY!! STOP THAT TRUUUCK!

Gate Security [on walkie]: Sir, the truck’s already gone. It had the same guy who came in, nothing seemed out of place.

Jason [on walkie]: Matt Damon! Is there any sign of him?

Walkie: This is Dhalsim Leader—no sign of him. [static] Team Vega—no one here but the Dr. He seems to be okay. No head trauma I can see. I’m not so sure he fell.

Jason: That’s because he didn’t fall, someone wanted it to look that way! [puts down the walkie talkie] What is going on? [Presses walkie button] Gate Security, contact the authorities and let them know we believe someone has—

Gate Security: Sir?

Jason: Belay that. [To himself:] If they find out Matt Damon escaped this place, we’ll never live it down. And…something doesn’t add up. [Presses walkie]: Seven?

Security Guard 7: This is me.

Jason: Did our desk team allow Dr. Affledge to—wait. The soda guy. [Grinds his teeth in rage] Of course. Teams Vega and Dhalsim, take Dr. Affledge to the cafeteria and hold him there until I arrive. AND TURN OFF THAT FIRE ALARM!

Vega Leader: Yes, sir.

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