Not Matt Damon, Scene V-1: The Press Conference

Scene V-1: The Press Conference

[Matt Damon stands before several microphones attached to a podium. A seemingly endless multitude of cameras flash.]

Matt: I appreciate your attention. I know many of you have been gravely concerned about me and the strange reports you have no doubt been hearing.

[Meanwhile, at Chris Helmsley’s home….]

Chris [swiping at a tablet]: Something has come across my new Twitter feed. Matt! The television! You have to see this!

[Matthew and Emily emerge from separate rooms and enter the living room. Matthew turns on the TV.]

Matthew [looking at Matt Damon on TV]: This isn’t good.

Chris: I fear our plans to stop Matthew have become much more complicated. If he mentions anything of what happened today…

Matt [on TV]: …been hearing. I would like to set the record straight as much as possible. I very briefly spent time at a mental institution. There, I received the best of care and rediscovered myself. Unfortunately, not everyone there had my best interests at heart, so I decided to pursue my career once again and fulfill all the various obligations I have made with Universal Studios and Warner Bros. Pictures. I have kept a low profile and have completed my part in my upcoming film, Here’s Baby Too. I look forward to seeing you all at the premiere in two weeks. [He talks over the reporters’ shouting] Thank you.
[Matt walks away from the podium, reporters shouting after him.]

[Moments later, Chris’ phone rings.]

Chris: Hello?

Matt: Hello, Chris. How’ve you been?

Chris [standing up, enraged]: Matthew! Your madness will end soon!

Matt [laughing]: Pathetic. But then, you always were weak. Choosing that imposter over me? Oh, yeah, you’re definitely fired. Don’t worry, your severance check is in the mail. What, you think I didn’t know you were watching me? You really thought you were the only one? Tut tut, Christopher. There’ll be others who will treat you better than I did. In the meantime, at least I can savor your pain. All that effort you put in to rescue a shell of a man who isn’t even really Matt Damon.

Chris: You’re lying. I saw you! You told them you weren’t Matt Damon! Those reporters! Gerard Butler!

Matt: And you believed it. Some people hear what they want to hear. I must have been insufferable for a noble man like you.

Chris: You’re not even Matt Damon. This is some fake persona you’ve cooked up in your head!

Matt [chuckles softly]: You’re just too much fun. Not even a real challenge. So where is the uh, “real” Matt Damon? Would you put him on the phone for me? Oh, yes. I know he’s there in your little hovel.

Chris: I shouldn’t give you the pleasure. You did all this so you could be him.

Matt: Shouldn’t…but will.

[Chris locks eyes with Matthew. He hands over the phone.]

Chris: It’s for you.

Matthew [reaches for the phone, caught between fear and rage, his voice raw]: I’m here.

Matt: So you’ve managed to escape. It’s criminal I didn’t break you myself before locking you in that loony bin.

Matthew: You are a criminal.

Matt: “You are a criminal, Matt.” Why won’t you say my name? I wonder if your so-called rescuers would react the same if they knew the truth? Oh, and I saw your video, Matthew. You were right, you should have burned that camera. Disturbing stuff, there. It would be an absolute tragedy if that video made its way to all the reporters who can’t stop following me around. Or to Emily. Or to the police. Heh. Or maybe we should just skip it all and go for broke, put it on YouTube. Ooh. You really are at a severe disadvantage. You see, first, I’m Matt Damon. Second, your only allies are people who mistakenly believe you are. Take that away, and you’re back in a straitjacket. So what’s your play, Matthew?

Matthew: If I told you that, I’d be stupid. Like you. [He throws the cell phone at the wall in rage.] Chris, let’s get this son of a dish.

Chris [smiling]: I thought you’d never ask. [He stops smiling] Also, you could have just hung up, you know. I had a lot of contacts in that phone, I hope it’s not broken. [He gets up to look for phone.] Did it…go behind the entertainment center?

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