Monthly Archives: July 2014

Not Matt Damon, Scene V-3: Premiere Preparations

(This episode’s guest-star: Tom Hardy as “Augustus St. John-Smythe”.)

[Fists and feet hammer Augustus St. John-Smythe until his black gloved hand drops to one knee.]

Augustus: I yield.

Matt: You were beaten before then. But you have some skill. You should be the perfect countermeasure to my former guard.

Augustus: Are you certain he’ll be there?

Matt: It’s his best chance. They’ll all be there.

Augustus: And the woman? Emily? What of her?

Matt: Oh, I’ve got something special planned for her, something she asked for.

Augustus: And this Matthew…he’s a bit of a wild card. No physical skill, but he is a man of the mind. He could be more dangerous than we know.

Matt: I’ll deal with Matthew myself. I’ve already gotten in his head. He’s obsessed with me. So thoroughly empty and unfulfilled in his own life that he has to escape it. His mistake. He’s escaping into my world, you see. A world I control. Tragically, he will learn at the end that there is no escape from Matt Damon. A brazen, public attempt on my life will be thwarted, Matthew will be returned to his insane asylum, and I will emerge looking like the second coming of Robert Downey, Jr.

Augustus: And Matthew Damensen will be destroyed.

Matt: Mm hmm.

Augustus: I’m sorry, I’m just wondering what this accomplishes for you. I mean, you’re already wealthy, well-respected. A legend, some would say.

Matt: Some?

Augustus: Well, let’s be honest here, you’re no Tom Hardy.

Matt: Seriously? Praetor Shinzon? Bane? Eames from ‘Inception’? You’re comparing Tom Hardy to me?

Augustus: Not really. It’d be like apples to apple juice. One’s just not as tough as the other.

Matt: I’m not paying you for your opinion.

Augustus [with just a hint of menace on his face]: Did I get in your head there? My mistake. We all have our insecurities. [He walks up to a speed bag and starts hitting it.]

[Matt throws a towel on the floor and stalks out of the room.]

[Meanwhile, at Chris Helmsley’s gym….]

[Matthew gets thrown to the mat, his breath leaving him.]

Matthew: Oof!

Chris: Come on, Matt! What did they do to you at that place? It’s as if you can no longer fight at all!

Matthew [gasping]: Uh…Let’s…go again…

Chris [offering his hand to Matthew]: Alright. Best ten out of twelve, then?

[A training montage begins, with Matthew jumping rope, attacking a speed bag, battling Chris with two swords, then a quarterstaff, then a sledgehammer. Chris clips him with his own hammer.]

[Chris trains him on sledgehammer technique.]

Chris: One! Up! Hammer down! One! Up! Hammer down!

[Matthew unleashes a series of attacks with the quarterstaff, knocking Chris’ staff out of his hands and sweeping his legs out from under him. Matthew then does a cool action movie pose.]

Chris [breathing hard]: Excellent work, sir! You’ve got it back now! Now fight harder!

[Matthew jumps rope again, then stops, wraps the jump rope around Chris’ hammer as he swings it, then hurls it into the wall. Again they battle with dual swords, and Matthew knocks both blades out of Chris’ hands.]

Chris: Ha! Good! Is that all? Or is there more?!

[Matthew battles Chris with the quarterstaff, disarms him. Chris grabs the quarterstaff, and Matthew does an upward kick that sends him into a flip, and he lands perfectly. Chris hits the mat, blinking away stars.]

Chris: Alright…that’s the Matt I remember…

[Matthew smiles, reaching a hand down to help Chris up.]

Chris: I may have a concussion. But now you are ready. Now you truly are Matt Damon.

[They look at the entrance of the gym. Emily drops to the ground, wearing an all-black ninja outfit.]

Chris: Wha–? How long have you been up there?

Emily: Long enough.

Matthew: Since when are you a ninja?

Emily: It’s just gymnastics, weapons training and martial arts. Big deal. … I’m coming with you.

Chris: Well, no one said otherwise. But you don’t have to fight.

Emily: Matthew is too powerful now for even the two of you to take on alone.

Matthew [barely concealing a smirk]: I’m sure he’d love to hear you say that. No doubt he is mad with power. But we’ll put an end to this. [He puts out his hand.] Together.

[They all put their hands on top of each other’s.]

Chris [smiling]: Together.

Emily [nodding once]: Together.

(…Next time: The finale of Not Matt Damon begins with The Battle of Here’s Baby Too–Part 1!)

Not Matt Damon, Scene V-2: The Interrogation—Mental Hospital, Cafeteria

[Seven security guards flank Dr. Ben Affledge, who is seated in a slumped position. Jason Botmin throws a bucket of water on him. Ben jumps to awareness and a security guard grabs his shoulder and slams him back into the chair.]

Jason [smiling]: Wakey, wakey. Did you have a nice fire drill? You really should check the schedule before you plot to break out one of your celebrity clients. You hack.

Ben: What the shell are you doing to me?

Jason: I’m conducting an investigation.

Ben: Into what? Somebody escaped?

[Jason slaps him. Ben tries to get up, and three guards hold him in the chair.]

Ben: You son of a dish!

Jason: What would that make me—a bowl? Benyamin, you’re in serious trouble. You see, Matt Damon, your patient? He seems to have escaped. Want to know how he did it? No, probably not, right? I don’t need to tell you. Because you already know, don’t you? The problem is, I can’t even verify it, because all the security cameras seem to be out. Huh. Now how did that happen at the same time one of our patients escaped?

Ben: I don’t know. I don’t know what happened.

[Jason slaps him again.]

Jason: That’s the first lie. Want to see what happens when you try lying some more?

Ben: What, are you going to torture me?

Jason: Torture? No. Nope. Just a bit of workplace harassment, that’s all. Consider this part of your exit interview. I’ll be sure to give a good reference to your celebrity friends.

Ben: What is this all about? I blacked out during the fire drill.

Jason: YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS ABOUT! THE SODA GUY! I found you in a pool of your own soda! You let the soda guy in, Matt Damon disappears, and the soda truck is the only way he could have escaped!

Ben [scoffs]: Are you sure? There are lot of other holes in your security here. Who’s to say he didn’t dig a tunnel with a rubber spork?

Jason [turns away, his hands on his hips]: So this is all a game, huh?

Ben: Yup. [He smiles] And the best man won.

Jason [turns around, stalks up to Ben and grabs his shirt]: You..are…fired, Dr. Affledge. But this doesn’t have to get any uglier.

Intercom Guard: Sir! This just came up on Twitter. [He looks from his phone to Jason with concern.] Matt Damon just had a press conference.

Jason [rubs his face with both hands]: Did he mention his escape? Anything that might give us away?

Intercom Guard: There is some risk, sir, but he was non-specific. We should be clean here.

Jason: I’m putting you in charge of a special team I’m preparing. Their mission will be to find Matt Damon and bring him into custody. Quietly.

Intercom Guard: Sir, it’s going to look like a kidnapping. We can’t just…

Jason [sighs]: I know. But we’ll have to find a way.