Monthly Archives: August 2014

The First Incision (Cutman’s Song)

So…it’s time for a Cutman song. I figured, since I wrote one for Gutsman, why not? Here goes:

Humans didn’t make the cut
Because they created us
This world needs surgery
And for that it will require expertise
I’m the one with steady hands
I will operate on man
They have become the cancer
To which I’m the answer,
Yes, I am the cure

There’ll be a transplant
Robots will replace the humans
I’ll initiate the plan
With the first incision

You claim that they are innocent
You think you can save all of them?
No, the diagnosis says
They must be eliminated instead
Of us–think of the alternative
If we let the humans live
They are afraid of us
No matter what we do
We’ll never gain their trust

There’ll be a transplant
Robots will replace the humans
I’ll initiate the plan
With the first incision

Their evil is their vanity
Their chaos and insanity
They’d have you kill your own
And then what will you do
Once you are all alone?
There’ll be no anesthetic
They must be disconnected
It’s simple evolution
An ingenious solution
We’re the cutting edge

There’ll be a transplant
Robots will destroy the humans
We’ll initiate the plan
I’m the first incision
And these gifted hands
Are fit to execute our new plan
They will all soon understand
I’m the first incision
I’m the first incision
I’m the first incision
Now!

Give It To Me (Vader Edit)

Here’s a Star Wars rap I wrote a long time ago.  I used to blog on the old starwars.com, and I thought I might post this one again, just because I was thinking about it.  It’s sort of taking the music from an old Jay-Z song and approaching it from Darth Vader’s point of view.  So, here we go:

Chorus:

See I’m Vader, baby
And I’ma need you to know
I’m a Jedi hater, baby
So I’ma need you to go
Give it to me
Give me that fleet, that Force,
That flashy ‘saber stuff
It’s my destiny
Dark Lord of the Sith,
I report only to the Emperor

Vadey’s home
I’m back in black
You can send them clones
In a three-pronged attack
Me and Padme
Don’t see eye-to-eye
‘Cause Obi-Wan deceived you
With a pack of lies
That fool’s tryin’ to sever
Our family ties
But we could be cruisin’ together
In a family TIE
You like Threepio–
Get your head on straight
Believe me, though
Power is well worth the wait
And to speak of gold
I’m worth more than my weight in it
I’m creepy, cold
And born a Jedi-hatin’ Sith
Lustin’ for vengeance
Don’t know about repentance
I’m the Dark Lord
To whom you pay penance
And if you cross the line
You pay the penalty
You can’t apologize
Though I’m often “accepting”
I got rolls of dough
Got credits a-plenty
The galaxy to me
Is like DC went to Fenty

See I’m Vader, baby
And I’ma need you to know
I’m a Jedi hater, baby
So I’ma need you to go
Give it to me
Give me that fleet, that Force, that flashy ‘saber stuff
No apologies
I’m the best of the best and about to become spectacular

It’s Death Squadron
Burning down your homes
Like you was in a cauldron
Set down on forest moons
Like I was Buzz Aldrin
“Noosh, Vader! [Vader breathing]”
It’s a small step for Sith
But it’s a giant leap for all you Ewoks in this rap game
You try to breathe like me
But y’all just imitatin’
Ain’t no scheme like me
Constantly innovatin’
I’m the metaphorical Jesus
That’s castin’ down Satan
I’m a metaphorical genius
Aboard my battle station
The Death Star’s my home
And all y’all Rebel rappers are just
Scratches on my chrome
Should’ve known better
Than to play with matches on my throne
You might just get burned
With blasters from my clones
I’ll write ‘I wasn’t strong enough’
On your grave stones
You Wookiees growl tough
But you still my slaves, homes

See I’m Vader, baby
And I’ma need you to know
I’m a Jedi hater, baby
So I’ma need you to go
Give it to me
Give me that fleet, that Force, that flashy ‘saber stuff
No apologies
I’m the best of the best and about to become spectacular

Megalomaniacal
And diabolical
Each one of my plans is
Perfectly methodical
Born the son of the Force
And then became prodigal
Me versus Spock?
That’s simply illogical
“The Emperor is not as forgiving as I am”
And your raps can’t make
Half the living that mine can
I’m top alumni,
Imperial Rap Academy
While you standin’ in the crumb line
So you feel mad at me
But I can’t help it
I was born with skills
When moms died, I felt it
I was born to kill
“They’re like animals!
I slaughtered them like animals!”
So hungry for rhymes
They became lyrical cannibals
Hold up,
Let me get some fava beans
And this is what
Being Luke’s father means:
Born to bring order
Trained as a warrior
Game, set, match
And it’s only the first quarter

See I’m Vader, baby (Vader!)
And I’ma need you to know
I’m a Jedi hater, baby
So I’ma need you to go
Give it to me
Give me that fleet, that Force, that flashy ‘saber stuff
It’s my destiny
Dark Lord of the Sith, I report only to the Emperor

Not Matt Damon, Scene V-4: The Battle of Here’s Baby Too!, Part 1–Infiltration

[A red carpet, with the press and adoring fans cordoned off by metal fences, has posted behind it a huge billboard. ‘HERE’S BABY TOO!’ in large red letters is displayed. The picture shows a heavily Photoshopped Matt Damon smiling, a toddler sitting on his shoulders. Beside him, an equally Photoshopped Kate Hudson cradles a baby and stares at it adoringly.]

Reporter: And the stars are out tonight for this red carpet premiere of Here’s Baby Too! Fans of actor Matt Damon are particularly eager to see him make an appearance since his troubling behavior of late. We can only hope he’ll keep his act together long enough to dispel the rumors of his mental breakdown. We’ll just have to wait and see how the night develops…Oh! There’s his Hummer!

[Chris pulls up in his Hummer, wearing his shades and a black suit and tie. Matthew, disguised in a huge beard, bald cap, sunglasses, and an earpiece, gets out, looking around.]

Matthew [wincing at all the camera flashes]: Now I see why they always wear sunglasses.

Chris [speaking to his wrist]: We’re front and center. How’s the perimeter?

Emily [wearing all black ninja gear, perched on a rooftop a block away]: Quiet so far. No sign of Matthew or anyone out of place.

Chris: Copy. Check in every 60 seconds.

[Chris and Matthew walk up to the burly security guards at the theater’s entrance.]

Chris: We’re Matt Damon’s advance security team. [Handing them his ID and badge] My credentials.

Security Guard 18: Of course. Because we certainly don’t bother securing a location before we let expensive people walk in. There could be madmen swarming the theater right now. [He becomes irritated.] Anyway, my sarcasm is lost on you. This way, sir. [He puts out a hand to stop Matthew] Uh, and you are?

Chris: He’s with me.

Security Guard 18: Uh, and he is?

Chris: With me. Mr. Damon prefers that his seat be saved in advance. We are here to do that.

Security Guard 18 [folding two meaty arms]: I thought you were here to provide advance security.

Matthew [ripping off his shades and beard]: I’d really like to see my movie. Would you mind letting us in?

Security Guard 18 [eyes widening, he opens the door]: Uh, sure! Right this way! I didn’t recognize you.

[Chris and Matthew walk into the theater’s cavernous lobby.]

Chris [sighs]: That was a risky move.

Matthew: No, it wasn’t. It was bizarre. Something they’d expect of Matt Damon about now. So when the rea—the fake Matt Damon shows up in typical fashion—

Chris: They’ll think he’s Matthew. Maybe. Or they’ll think you’re the fake and come after us.

Matthew: True. I think I know how to deal with that.

Emily [on radio]: So wait, you guys didn’t have a plan? At all? Just walk up to the door and hope for the best?

Chris: Well, one of us is Matt Damon. Seemed like a pretty solid plan.

Emily: Hold on. Someone’s here.

Matthew: Emily, hold on. I’m coming up there.

Chris [quietly]: Matt, we can’t. Any deviation from our plan—

Matthew: We have no plan, remember?

Chris: If we leave now, we introduce all manner of variables. Not the least of which is the impending arrival of the imposter Matt Damon. Emily—

Matthew: –is my friend.

Chris: I understand. I’ll go. I’ll make sure she’s alright. Stay here, play along as well as you can.

Matthew: And if…he shows up?

Chris: Bring the hammer down, just like I showed you. [He smiles.] You can do it. You’ve earned your way here, Matt. I’ll see you in a few.

[Chris goes back out. Matthew looks around, then goes into the theater. He finds it empty, with no one occupying the seats…but a man in a dark suit stands in front of the movie screen, his back turned.]

Matthew [feeling a growing sense of dread]: Hello?

[Matt Damon turns around, his face gleaming with the mirth of a predator.]

Matt: Well met at last. It’s a testimony to your strength of character that you made it this far, Matthew. But it’s over now. You must know that. No matter what you have done in the last two weeks, you are in no position to challenge me.

Matthew [approaching Matt slowly]: Why are you doing all this? You have everything anyone could want. I’ve read up on you. Award-winning screenwriter, philanthropist, star on the Walk of Fame, beautiful family—why would you do this? Do you think you’ll be loved by everyone after they find out you tried to steal a man’s life?

Matt: Even if you thought to bring a tape recorder or a hidden camera, no one would even believe it. Remember? I was hospitalized. You got obsessed with me, and you put me there. Almost ruined my life. You’re a sick man. A criminal—

Matthew: YOU’RE THE CRIMINAL!

Matt: No. According to the video you made—now safely in the hands of the authorities who are already en route—you are. You’re running out of time, Matthew. And you made a mistake coming here. Sooner or later, we all pay for our mistakes.

..To be continued, in ‘The Battle of Here’s Baby Too–Part 2’!