Not Matt Damon, Scene V-4: The Battle of Here’s Baby Too!, Part 1–Infiltration

[A red carpet, with the press and adoring fans cordoned off by metal fences, has posted behind it a huge billboard. ‘HERE’S BABY TOO!’ in large red letters is displayed. The picture shows a heavily Photoshopped Matt Damon smiling, a toddler sitting on his shoulders. Beside him, an equally Photoshopped Kate Hudson cradles a baby and stares at it adoringly.]

Reporter: And the stars are out tonight for this red carpet premiere of Here’s Baby Too! Fans of actor Matt Damon are particularly eager to see him make an appearance since his troubling behavior of late. We can only hope he’ll keep his act together long enough to dispel the rumors of his mental breakdown. We’ll just have to wait and see how the night develops…Oh! There’s his Hummer!

[Chris pulls up in his Hummer, wearing his shades and a black suit and tie. Matthew, disguised in a huge beard, bald cap, sunglasses, and an earpiece, gets out, looking around.]

Matthew [wincing at all the camera flashes]: Now I see why they always wear sunglasses.

Chris [speaking to his wrist]: We’re front and center. How’s the perimeter?

Emily [wearing all black ninja gear, perched on a rooftop a block away]: Quiet so far. No sign of Matthew or anyone out of place.

Chris: Copy. Check in every 60 seconds.

[Chris and Matthew walk up to the burly security guards at the theater’s entrance.]

Chris: We’re Matt Damon’s advance security team. [Handing them his ID and badge] My credentials.

Security Guard 18: Of course. Because we certainly don’t bother securing a location before we let expensive people walk in. There could be madmen swarming the theater right now. [He becomes irritated.] Anyway, my sarcasm is lost on you. This way, sir. [He puts out a hand to stop Matthew] Uh, and you are?

Chris: He’s with me.

Security Guard 18: Uh, and he is?

Chris: With me. Mr. Damon prefers that his seat be saved in advance. We are here to do that.

Security Guard 18 [folding two meaty arms]: I thought you were here to provide advance security.

Matthew [ripping off his shades and beard]: I’d really like to see my movie. Would you mind letting us in?

Security Guard 18 [eyes widening, he opens the door]: Uh, sure! Right this way! I didn’t recognize you.

[Chris and Matthew walk into the theater’s cavernous lobby.]

Chris [sighs]: That was a risky move.

Matthew: No, it wasn’t. It was bizarre. Something they’d expect of Matt Damon about now. So when the rea—the fake Matt Damon shows up in typical fashion—

Chris: They’ll think he’s Matthew. Maybe. Or they’ll think you’re the fake and come after us.

Matthew: True. I think I know how to deal with that.

Emily [on radio]: So wait, you guys didn’t have a plan? At all? Just walk up to the door and hope for the best?

Chris: Well, one of us is Matt Damon. Seemed like a pretty solid plan.

Emily: Hold on. Someone’s here.

Matthew: Emily, hold on. I’m coming up there.

Chris [quietly]: Matt, we can’t. Any deviation from our plan—

Matthew: We have no plan, remember?

Chris: If we leave now, we introduce all manner of variables. Not the least of which is the impending arrival of the imposter Matt Damon. Emily—

Matthew: –is my friend.

Chris: I understand. I’ll go. I’ll make sure she’s alright. Stay here, play along as well as you can.

Matthew: And if…he shows up?

Chris: Bring the hammer down, just like I showed you. [He smiles.] You can do it. You’ve earned your way here, Matt. I’ll see you in a few.

[Chris goes back out. Matthew looks around, then goes into the theater. He finds it empty, with no one occupying the seats…but a man in a dark suit stands in front of the movie screen, his back turned.]

Matthew [feeling a growing sense of dread]: Hello?

[Matt Damon turns around, his face gleaming with the mirth of a predator.]

Matt: Well met at last. It’s a testimony to your strength of character that you made it this far, Matthew. But it’s over now. You must know that. No matter what you have done in the last two weeks, you are in no position to challenge me.

Matthew [approaching Matt slowly]: Why are you doing all this? You have everything anyone could want. I’ve read up on you. Award-winning screenwriter, philanthropist, star on the Walk of Fame, beautiful family—why would you do this? Do you think you’ll be loved by everyone after they find out you tried to steal a man’s life?

Matt: Even if you thought to bring a tape recorder or a hidden camera, no one would even believe it. Remember? I was hospitalized. You got obsessed with me, and you put me there. Almost ruined my life. You’re a sick man. A criminal—

Matthew: YOU’RE THE CRIMINAL!

Matt: No. According to the video you made—now safely in the hands of the authorities who are already en route—you are. You’re running out of time, Matthew. And you made a mistake coming here. Sooner or later, we all pay for our mistakes.

..To be continued, in ‘The Battle of Here’s Baby Too–Part 2’!

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