Monthly Archives: October 2014

Stereo Typical (A Song)

I’m the newest young thing
The latest product of a machine
I’m going to show you something
Something that you have already seen
I’ll sing a song about love
While a wind machine blows at my hair
I’ll wear a fingerless black glove
And point one finger in the air

This is very very
Stereo typical
Popular music
This is very very
Stereo typical
You’ll get used to it

I’ve got my glossy lipstick on
I’m on the cover of Seventeen
I’m in a movie about some
Mixup where someone thinks I’m a queen
And all the screaming faces
The arms reach out as I pass by
I’ll tour a million places
And do it without asking why

This is very very
Stereo typical
Popular music
This is very very
Stereo typical
You’ll get used to it

And all the girls just want to be me
And the boys want to date me
When I turn eighteen
I’m not allowed to say to you
What you didn’t ask me to
Because it’s the popular thing to do

This is very very
Stereo typical
Popular music
This is very very
Stereo typical
You’ll get used to it
This is very very
Stereo typical
Popular music
This is what is selling
Out at the record store
Out at the record store
Because truth is useless

Not Matt Damon, Scene V-4: The Battle of ‘Here’s Baby Too!’ Part 2

[On the rooftop…]

Emily: Hold on…someone’s here.

[Emily, wearing all black ninja gear, turns around slowly, scanning the rooftop with her eyes. She sees no one, but hears a terrible cackling, followed by a strange, guttural voice, a woman’s voice.]

Woman’s Voice: Haaaagh…

[The voice laughs again, seeming to come from everywhere. Emily draws her wooden kendo practice sword and readies herself, looking around her. She circles a chimney that bellows steam into the night, her sword held in a defensive guard. A woman’s open palm slams into her back, sending her sprawling into randomly strewn slabs of wood on the ground.]

Emily: Oof!

[She drops her sword and pulls off her hood, turning to face her attacker. Her eyes fill with realization.]

Sarah Silverman [baring her teeth in part grin, part grimace]: Hello, Sarah.
[Sarah points a sharpened claw at her.] I’ve heard so much about you. Let’s cut to the chase. You’ve come to destroy Matt Damon. I wonder if you know the lies you’ve been told? Strange that you can’t recognize that you’re helping your own ex-boyfriend.

Emily [wincing in pain as she tries to stand]: What are you talking about?

Sarah: You believe you’ve rescued Matt Damon, but you’ve only helped the very man you came here to defeat. Didn’t you wonder why he seemed to know you, at the hospital?

Emily [shaking her head]: I don’t believe you.

Sarah: You don’t sound convinced. In the end, it doesn’t matter what you believe. All that matters is who you’re aligned with. And since it’s not Matt Damon, it’s a painful doom for you. RRRAGH!

[Sarah leaps unnaturally high into the air. Emily leaps to meet her…]

[Chris exits the theater by a service door and hurries out to help Emily. He checks his phone. A blinking red dot shows Emily’s location—still on the rooftop a block away. Chris looks around. There is construction going on nearby, and tools are strewn everywhere. A plastic sheet drapes down from a scaffolding. Chris scowls, looking closer. For a moment, he imagined seeing the outline of a man hiding behind the plastic sheet…but there is nothing there. He slows down, his danger sense making hair stand up on the back of his neck. Someone was watching him. No…hunting him. He snaps his head to the right as a monstrous man barrels into him–]

Chris: Oof!

[He slams into a brick wall hard enough to damage the bricks.]


[He gets up, shaking his head to clear it, and sees a familiar face….]

St. John-Smythe…

Augustus [his fists balled]: The very same. How long has it been, Christopher? Seven, eight years? No, don’t answer. I was just a name on a dog tag to you. Wasn’t I? Or don’t you even remember? The Demilitarized Zone?

[Eight Years Before…on the South Korean border…]

Augustus: I’m scouting ahead—I don’t think this is a feint.

Chris: You’re not in command here—we should wait for orders.

Augustus: As we’ve waited for pay these last eight months? We’re not soldiers. We’re mercenaries. On our own. Answerable to the highest bidder. And right now, we don’t appear to have any bidders. In the absence of buyers, all we are is product. Goods on the market.

Chris: Wait.

[He points at a ridge ahead.] Something’s—

[Gunfire erupts around them, forcing them to fall back and find cover.]

Chris: We have to withdraw!

Augustus: I’ll cover you. Go!

[A rocket-powered grenade explodes, the force of it knocking Chris to the ground. He blinks slowly, looking around in a daze, seeing no sign of Augustus.]

Chris [in anguish]: Augustus! Augustus!

[Gunfire erupts again, forcing him to take off running, back toward base…]

[The Present]

Augustus: …I guess that’s what happens when you’re a mercenary among mercenaries. No one’s going to take a risk for you, right?

Chris: I was sure you were dead—

Augustus: Were you? I was sure I saw your boots headed away as fast as they could go. How could you be sure of anything? But you did at least warn the base, regroup with reinforcements. While I got lovely accommodations in a North Korean prison for a year. The spa treatments were actually quite good. You should visit sometime. When you’re not busy as a bodyfraud. Or do you still think you’re guarding Matt Damon? It didn’t strike you as odd that he wasn’t even a little arrogant?

Chris [looking uncertain]: He’s changed. For the better.

Augustus: Ha ha ha ha ha! You really have faith in people. Well, faith has no basis in reality—

[He throws a punch at Chris. Chris blocks it only to get a vicious backhand followed by a snap kick to the ribs.]

—and now, neither do you. Prepare to meet your unreality.

[Meanwhile, inside the theater…]

[A flurry of fists assault Matt Damon, and he blocks them with ease, then gives Matthew an elbow to the chest and an open-handed jab to the exact same spot. Matthew stumbles back, gasping for air.]

Matt [laughing like a younger man]: What did Chris do? Give you a training session? I
[he blocks another attack]
see his
in yours!

[Matt throws a contemptuous uppercut that sends Matthew flying.]

Matthew [landing hard on his back]: Ugh! [He breathes heavily, lying on the carpet.]

Matt [extending his arms wide]: Ready to quit yet? I can give you a body cast to go with that straitjacket if you want. Your choice.

Matthew [getting to his feet]: You stole my life, Matt. Is it because you don’t have one of your own?!

Matt: What, don’t you see it? I was legendary before you even saw your first patient! Matt Damon is synonymous with greatness!

Matthew: But not the man! The actor! The FRAUD!

Matt [charges at Matthew]: Arrrgh!

[He tackles Matthew, then starts pummeling him with punches.]

Matthew [catching Matt’s fist with a hand]: Does this prove you can be anyone you want?

[Matthew laughs bitterly.]

Ha! Not from here, it doesn’t. Dolph Lundgren could do this! Why don’t you go sign up for The Expendables 4? You’re an action star! Nothing more!

Matt [laughs]: Shows what you know.

[He punches Matthew with the other fist.] You think you can get in my head? Not today.

[He knocks Matthew out, then puts him over his shoulder.]

You’ve lost, Matthew. Now to gather up the rest of your merry team, and put an end to this charade.

…To Be Continued, in ‘Not Matt Damon: The Battle of ‘Here’s Baby Too!’: Part 3!