Monthly Archives: November 2014

The Force Never Slept (A Rap)

I laugh when I think about
The Star Wars questions
I used to have
Back before ’97
Used to think
Shadows of the Empire
Was a movie
The video game inspired me
And it moved me
Little did I know about
The love affair
The passion and addiction
That already started there
And then my mom brought home
Three VHS tapes
History was written
From then on, it was great
Completely changed up
My whole philosophy
And reexplained all of
The great old mythologies
It got me to read
A few more anthologies
Even helped me to question
My theology
I watched A New Hope
The Empire Strikes Back
Return of the Jedi

Six times
And I liked that
And that was back
When those tapes were borrowed
About a hundred more viewings
Were soon to follow
And soon enough, man, guess what?
I bought two copies
So in case one of those tapes broke
It wouldn’t stop me

The Force Awakens
We’re bringing the best
What you heard is mistaken
The Force never slept
It’s daybreak and
It ain’t in the bed
What you heard is mistaken
The Force never slept

It’s easy for some
To hate on the Prequels
But believe me
I was never one of those people
See I went on each opening night
I heard ’em clappin’
And then I see the strangest sight
Their gums are flappin’
About Jar Jar this
And Anakin can’t act
And George Lucas should quit
And take his films back
And he didn’t care about
The story at all
He gave no thought at all
To making Darth Maul
Now I’m not saying
That the movies were perfect
Far from it
But to me, every second was worth it
Look, I don’t think
I like sand, either
No surprise that they left that line
Out of the teasers
And no, Jar Jar wasn’t
The greatest feature
But I don’t believe Lucas
Is a racist either
Hmm, turns out
He married a black woman
I guess the Jar Jar haters
Didn’t see that one comin’

The Force Awakens
We’re bringing the best
What you heard is mistaken
The Force never slept
It’s daybreak and
It ain’t in the bed
What you heard is mistaken
The Force never slept

How come no one speaks of
Liam Neeson
And of how the Jedi Qui-Gon Jinn
Became the reason
Of how one man
Who merely showed compassion
Ended up changing everything
Because of his actions?
Am I the only one
Who thinks McDiarmid
Deserved an Oscar nom
The way he played his part in
Revenge of the Sith?
He was like a twisted grandfather
Killed it so well
He could be charged with manslaughter
And yes, I have a crush on
Natalie Portman
She could make every word she said
Sound important
And even when the man she loved
Became a torment
Her love for a Sith
Is one we’ll never forget
They deleted some of her best scenes
She was the angel of Anakin’s dreams, dude
(And mine too)
Nobody talks about
One other fellow
His name’s Obi-Wan Kenobi
Ewan McGregor
Main man held it down
He kept it steady
Buzz cut, beard and brown mullet
Dude was ready
Graying at the temples
But still in his thirties
By no means afraid
To thrill and get his hands dirty
And at the end of it all
We all felt his pain
As he stared down in horror
At his brother’s remains
I could go on
But my point is made
It wasn’t just special effects
And Lucas gettin’ paid
People are sayin’ that
The Force Awakens
If you think it ever slept
It is you who are mistaken

The Force Awakens
We’re bringing the best
What you heard is mistaken
The Force never slept
It’s daybreak and
It ain’t in the bed
What you heard is mistaken
The Force never slept

I’m just saying
Try to be optimistic
When something new comes out
Don’t be so quick to dismiss it
And instead of making assumptions about it
Try to listen
And don’t assume that great entertainment
Is a given
It takes dedication,
Good fortune and talent
It takes Luke to show us
A different way than violence
People who immediately hate
I meet with silence
J.J. and gang
Will bring it back to balance
In the meantime
It’s new novels and it’s streamlined
Inspiring new generations
To dream high
Remember it was Lucas himself
Who set the beam high
And gave us a new hope
Back when we were knee high
Who gave us awe
When we saw the X-Wings fly
We saw them fly straight into battle
Against the mean TIEs
It’s what people writing today
Will build their scenes by
It’s on the list of movies
That should be seen by
Every single person alive
Before we die
And I suggest seeing each of them
At least twice
The time before Episode VII
Will soon speed by
And we can look forward again
To seeing the screen wide
To seeing Luke and a new gang
Take on the mean side
So please try to give ’em a chance
Let’s let the team rise

The Force Awakens
We’re bringing the best
What you heard is mistaken
The Force never slept
It’s daybreak and
It ain’t in the bed
What you heard is mistaken
The Force never slept

Welcome to the Lars (A Rap)

Welcome to the Lars
No dreamin’ of the stars
It’s your uncle talkin’
This is all that you are

Twin sunsets drop down
We’re twin suspects
Our stepmom disappeared–
Let’s change the subject
Doing deals with Jawas
For the spare parts
While the tombstones line up
In front of our front yard
It’s about the water
On this moisture farm
And the mindless monsters out there
About to get harmed
Thirty of us went out after them
Didn’t get far
Twenty-six heads on the ground
And then a leg gone
It’s ruthless–Hutts run the planet
And the slavery
Endless global warming’s
The reward for your bravery
Oh, look!
You got a bad motivator!
Tryin’ to push on us
All these bad rappin’ flavors!
Well, that one’s pricey, but–
What about that blue one?
He could be fixed up nicely
With a glue gun

Welcome to the Lars
No dreamin’ of the stars
It’s your uncle talkin’
This is all that you are

Look who’s fresh back
From the Clone Wars
Your fool idealistic crusade
What was it good for?
You were a killer and a liar
In the service of the killers and liars
With the worst ruling an Empire
So while you’re busy
Serving your ideals
I’m busy trying to figure out
My next meal, I’ll keep it real
My brother could’ve farmed
Instead of making an orphan
With midichlorians
Inside his cells like endorphins
Waitin’ to read our thoughts
To find stuff that we lost
To waste time with his friends
And dream about leaving jobs
Unfinished
Look, I don’t mean to diminish
Anakin’s death, he was my brother too–
I’m not finished!
He followed you into that war
Now he’s dead, Ben!
Maybe it was your blade, your hands
That did him in!
I see the guilt on your face!
Don’t try to lie to me!
Don’t ever come back, wizard!
You just died to me!

Welcome to the Lars
No dreamin’ of the stars
It’s your uncle talkin’
This is all that you are

Too many questions
The boy is gettin’ older
Eager to find adventure
With Biggs and his friends over
In Anchorhead
I’m thankful that his dad’s dead
So he can’t hear
The things that I’ve said about him
Like he was a navigator
On a spice freighter
A drug dealer
Who got gunned down
And not a dark sider
And then the day comes
When Luke finds a message
Claiming to be from
A princess in distress
Wish I could’ve erased it
He got upset with me
It made him want to join the Academy
Disrespect me
Yeah, whatever
Most of his friends are gone
I’ll make it up to him next year
Maybe, maybe not
Definitely not before midday
It’s droids in the south range that
Seem to be malfunctioning
Hold up, it’s a knock at the door
Afternoon, good sirs.
May I ask who you’re looking for?
A pair of droids gone missing
From a civil war?
Well, you can search us
But these aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Hey, something’s burning down there.
What are you cooking for?
Hold up, wait! You torchin’ my place!
Oh, no, no!
Now you torchin’ my face!

Welcome to the Lars
No dreamin’ of the stars
It’s your uncle talkin’
This is all that you are

We burn together
Like a final end in Mordor
Now and forever
I see what Ben was fightin’ for
A galaxy with justice,
Freedom, rights and laws
Instead of soldiers and slaves
Frightening Emperors
In our last moments
I take Beru’s hand
I can only hope we helped turn Luke
Into a good man
Will he come back and see us
Here in the burnt sand?
Will he want revenge
And build a thirst planned
Out of hatred
To strike back and make it
So no one else has to die like us,
Murdered, forsaken?
Maybe in a way, our fall
Becomes his rise
He is our last hope
Even as our farm dies

Welcome to the Lars
No dreamin’ of the stars
It’s your uncle talkin’
This is all that you are

A Game of Clones (A Rap)

Rappers with a fashion sense
Like they were back in Ghis
Enslaved the game
Make me want to say “Dracarys”
The albums stay cloned
Alone in plastic packages
They all got explicit warnings
Front and back of this
Charge in like ranks of Unsullied
They flop with weak lyrics
And sicken me like a Tully
People at the stores are
Wonderin’ what’s happened here
Their reign cut short
When they hear The Rains of Castamere
And if I slay the Mad King
They all mad at me
The Hand of the King sees
Storm clouds are gathering
With no elections
And five kings in dead heat
While them crows all steady feasting
On some dead meat
I’m like Dondarrion
I bring the lightning
Red flames ignite my mike
Before the fight scene
The night is dark, man
It’s full of terrors
They write raps in chalk
‘Cause they’re riddled with errors
I’ll swear an oath
Not to hold a title
The sword that guards the realms of rap
Against its rivals

But these are days that
The Wall is weeping
And a chill from the north
Awakens them from sleeping
Mother have mercy and
Crone grant me wisdom
So I don’t meet the Stranger
And become a victim
Of a system,
That’s rife with corruption
Drank some moon tea
To prevent reproduction
And at Chataya’s
They must sell it by the canister
If you’re a liar
It’s another name for Lannister
And all the gold in Casterly Rock
Couldn’t make your raps sound hot
Because they’re not
You claim victims like a White Walker
I see ’em with the buds in their ears
As they are street talkin’
But all their words are wind
Once you’ve caught them
In a Whispering Wood
Going quiet when I stop ’em
I got links on my chain
Like a maester
Betrothed to the game most fair
Because I like her
I’ll stick it to you
With my dragonglass
‘Cause I’m not here
To grab up the cash

It’s like you’re baseborn
When you turn your bass on
It kills like a Faceless Man
So put your face on
As you whisper
That you’re so very sorry
Like a direwolf
Tracking its quarry
You don’t mean it
And we’ve seen it
We know what you flow for
And when it comes forth, man
It sounds like Hodor
You Rattleshirt
Afterwards when the battle hurts
You’re like Brienne
Fightin’ bears in a battle skirt
And ain’t no one-armed man
About to save you
Valar morghulis
Is the last thing they say to you
And fear does cut
Deeper than swords
Like your rhymes
Hurt the people you bored
I hear ’em snorin’
And don’t think you’re safe
Because of hard bread
Hospitality is wasted
On you hard heads
You look up all of a sudden
And your guard’s dead
And you’re locked up in a cage
Until you starvin’
I’m like Arya in practice
Making progress
I’ll throw your blade in a lake
Because I’m dauntless
But I think that’s from
A different series
Horn of Joramun
I blow till you hear me
And then you fear me

Life is all about
Hounds and Mountains
Are there good rappers still out there?
Sincerely doubt it
But I don’t want to sit the Iron Throne
Have people buying my ringtones
Inside their phones
Ultimately it’s a game of clones
If you win, then you lie
And you sell your soul
Participating in a clash of kings
Could be a nice way
To get some cash and rings
But it’s shortlived, in a storm of swords
At a certain point
You wonder what you rappin’ for
And when it’s all over
It’s a feast for crows
Everybody picking at your remains
With their flows
But if you really want a dance with dragons
Then step up to the mike
And let them slackers have it
But for now,
It’s the winds of winter
I can unhorse khalasars
Like they’re beginners
‘Cause they can’t traverse
A poison sea
With a single verse
They throw at me
My rhyme’s complete

Off for a Princess (Parody song of Lana Del Rey’s ‘Off to the Races’)

My old man is a plump man, but
I can’t deny the way he saved my friends
From each castle,
What a hassle
But he did it without extra lives
He doesn’t mind I tend
To get kidnapped by
An army led by a reptilian guy
He slowly
Gets there for me
With his fire flower and his pipes

Swimming through rivers and oceans
Running past Hammer Brothers
With quick motions
When a Goomba shows up
He steps on it
I’d like to leave a green mushroom out
For him

Run for your life!
Grab all the coins!
Save me from Bowser
And show me you love me!
Run for your life!
Grab all the coins!
Get to the flagpole!
And get some more points!

And he’s off for a princess
In this
Classic NES set
Occasionally falling down
But he’s got to impress
This guest
Standing in a pink dress
‘Mario!’ she’s calling out
‘Bowser is crazy, baby
I’m in the castle number 8, please
I’m the one with peaches, secrets
Lined up so you reach this
Castle and then get me out
Waiting for you.’

My old man’s a plumber and
He smashes blocks with his
White-gloved hands
And he knows he
Must keep going
When Lakitu drops a spiny shell
He doesn’t buy that I’m a
Weak stereotype
He knows I’d gladly fight
Right by his side
And I’ll do it
We’ll get to it
On the second game
I float mid-air

He invites me to his
Smash Brothers, Parties
And Kart races
He can fly across space
And get Star Pieces
NES Remix
And NES Remix 2
He climbs a vine to heaven, too,
And

Runs for his life
Grabs all the coins
Saves me from Bowser
And shows me he loves me
Runs for his life
Grabs all the coins
Gets to the flagpole
And gets some more points

And he’s off for a princess
In this
Classic NES set
Occasionally falling down
But he’s got to impress
This guest
Standing in a pink dress
‘Mario!’ she’s calling out
‘Bowser is crazy, baby
I’m in the castle number 8, please
I’m the one with peaches, secrets
Lined up so you reach this
Castle and then get me out
Waiting for you.’

My old man has been beat
But I continue playing with him to the end
Have I seen this section
Of this castle before?
Just jump over those!
It’s a crazy maze!
Can he make it?
I don’t think this game’s
What they would buy without him
Who else is going to jump in the air this way?
A raccoon, a cat, too, even a cartoon?
There would be no games
If Nintendo was ever without you
You’re flying with your P-Wing on
Moustache right above your lips
I said, ‘Mar,
You’ve never looked three-dimensional
Like you do now, my man!’

And he’s off for a princess
In this
Classic NES set
Occasionally falling down
But he’s got to impress
This guest
Standing in a pink dress
He can do a spin jump now
‘Bowser is crazy, baby
I can’t count how often you save me
You are my one true love
You are such fun to love!
Oooooooooooooooh
O-oooooooooooooh
O-o-o-oooooooooh
You are such fun to love!’

Charlie Cheddar (A Rap)

Welcome to the game
My name is Charlie Cheddar
I’m here for the
Snot-nosed kids, the bed wetters
The one thing we can’t agree on
Is pizza toppings
I learned that from
Garfield & Friends, it didn’t stop me
From chasing the cheese
Like a starved out rodent
Finding ways to pay the bills
With low quotients
A sole breadwinner
With sweat and tears
Like a sweater after some odd years
My thread’s thinner
And we’re
Dead center
In the midst of a crisis
While the wages all stay the same
They raise prices
So here’s the plan:
Come in, get a stamp on your hand
Lock your bikes out front
And use the kick stand
We’re taking the game way back
Like we were Big Band
About to kill another mike
‘Cause I’m a hit, man

Charlie Cheddar
He’s the best rapper in the biz!
Charlie Cheddar
You can listen to him with your kids!

It’s overcrowded–
Too many kids to monitor
I take a snapshot of the game
Like a photographer
I’m self-proclaimed
But that’s how all rappers are
Showing up every night
Just like a rack of stars
Reporting sightings of legends
Like they were Snapper Carr
Rhyme the f-word a few times
And yet they call it art
While there are people out there
Actually rappin’ hard
And gone are the days when they
Can call rap an art
I want to slap ’em hard
But maybe that’s a job
Best reserved for their moms
Inside the back of cars
I think I’ll label
Their contributions token
They pollute the game
With putrid language spoken
And rap is chokin’
But hope is right behind it
Happens to be bearing my name–
A walking Heimlich

Charlie Cheddar
He’s the best rapper in the biz!
Charlie Cheddar
You can listen to him with your kids!

To be PG-rated
They call it outdated
And maybe these days
Make that an understatement
But I’m not hatin’
I’m simply sayin’
That betrayin’ all the popular trends
Doesn’t make payments
But then they say the poorest man
Can be the greatest
And it takes courage just to stand
Against the latest
A sudden thirst for the game
Suddenly came
A thirst to drown out all the worst
And make a change
Stand up and face all the rappers
Swirlin’ the drain
And who knows?
Maybe have some recall my name
And say he was the one
Who put rappers to shame
But all the same
It’s an all-pizza diet
For people who just want an excuse
To race riot
And they try it–
‘I think I’ll steal from a business’
As if a theft can make up for our
Perished children
Parents still didn’t admit there’s a place
Children go in the absence of a parent’s wisdom
So let us give them
Something they can dream to be
And let them see us instead of TV
Shape their beliefs

Charlie Cheddar
He’s the best rapper in the biz!
Charlie Cheddar
You can listen to him with your kids!

But in fact, Charlie Cheddar’s
Not a man, he’s a legend
To show rap music
What it can do better
And so what if you built a rec center
If the kids all want to be gangsters when they enter?
Why teach ’em to show their underwear?
When wintertime comes, it’ll get cold down there
And believe it or not, books contain knowledge
Useful to have if you plan to go to college
And also, books are better if you know how to read
And vehicles much safer if you know not to speed
And when a cop gives you instructions, you should heed
If you don’t commit crimes, you have nothing to plead
And questions are seeds, ask them
And look for the answers
Who knows?
You might discover there’s a cure for cancer
Or maybe learn you have a love for dancing
Or maybe design a new brand of pants and
Become the author of the next good fashion
Discover your passion
Think before you take an action
Be an actor
You could become a Samuel Jackson
But don’t let inaction
Stunt your growth and leave you lackin’
Let vocabulary
Be the only heat that you’re packin’
And make friends with people
Who will have your back–
Not to jump people with you
But to keep you on track
What would happen to the world
If this was all we were rappin’?
If we could open up some minds
And maybe put some facts in?
Then they couldn’t argue
That all that’s happened
Is the sole result
Of a rappin’ entrapment
Can’t say I’ll be the next trendsetter
But I’m waiting for a Charlie Cheddar
To make it better

Charlie Cheddar
He’s the best rapper in the biz!
Charlie Cheddar
You can listen to him with your kids!