Charlie Cheddar (A Rap)

Welcome to the game
My name is Charlie Cheddar
I’m here for the
Snot-nosed kids, the bed wetters
The one thing we can’t agree on
Is pizza toppings
I learned that from
Garfield & Friends, it didn’t stop me
From chasing the cheese
Like a starved out rodent
Finding ways to pay the bills
With low quotients
A sole breadwinner
With sweat and tears
Like a sweater after some odd years
My thread’s thinner
And we’re
Dead center
In the midst of a crisis
While the wages all stay the same
They raise prices
So here’s the plan:
Come in, get a stamp on your hand
Lock your bikes out front
And use the kick stand
We’re taking the game way back
Like we were Big Band
About to kill another mike
‘Cause I’m a hit, man

Charlie Cheddar
He’s the best rapper in the biz!
Charlie Cheddar
You can listen to him with your kids!

It’s overcrowded–
Too many kids to monitor
I take a snapshot of the game
Like a photographer
I’m self-proclaimed
But that’s how all rappers are
Showing up every night
Just like a rack of stars
Reporting sightings of legends
Like they were Snapper Carr
Rhyme the f-word a few times
And yet they call it art
While there are people out there
Actually rappin’ hard
And gone are the days when they
Can call rap an art
I want to slap ’em hard
But maybe that’s a job
Best reserved for their moms
Inside the back of cars
I think I’ll label
Their contributions token
They pollute the game
With putrid language spoken
And rap is chokin’
But hope is right behind it
Happens to be bearing my name–
A walking Heimlich

Charlie Cheddar
He’s the best rapper in the biz!
Charlie Cheddar
You can listen to him with your kids!

To be PG-rated
They call it outdated
And maybe these days
Make that an understatement
But I’m not hatin’
I’m simply sayin’
That betrayin’ all the popular trends
Doesn’t make payments
But then they say the poorest man
Can be the greatest
And it takes courage just to stand
Against the latest
A sudden thirst for the game
Suddenly came
A thirst to drown out all the worst
And make a change
Stand up and face all the rappers
Swirlin’ the drain
And who knows?
Maybe have some recall my name
And say he was the one
Who put rappers to shame
But all the same
It’s an all-pizza diet
For people who just want an excuse
To race riot
And they try it–
‘I think I’ll steal from a business’
As if a theft can make up for our
Perished children
Parents still didn’t admit there’s a place
Children go in the absence of a parent’s wisdom
So let us give them
Something they can dream to be
And let them see us instead of TV
Shape their beliefs

Charlie Cheddar
He’s the best rapper in the biz!
Charlie Cheddar
You can listen to him with your kids!

But in fact, Charlie Cheddar’s
Not a man, he’s a legend
To show rap music
What it can do better
And so what if you built a rec center
If the kids all want to be gangsters when they enter?
Why teach ’em to show their underwear?
When wintertime comes, it’ll get cold down there
And believe it or not, books contain knowledge
Useful to have if you plan to go to college
And also, books are better if you know how to read
And vehicles much safer if you know not to speed
And when a cop gives you instructions, you should heed
If you don’t commit crimes, you have nothing to plead
And questions are seeds, ask them
And look for the answers
Who knows?
You might discover there’s a cure for cancer
Or maybe learn you have a love for dancing
Or maybe design a new brand of pants and
Become the author of the next good fashion
Discover your passion
Think before you take an action
Be an actor
You could become a Samuel Jackson
But don’t let inaction
Stunt your growth and leave you lackin’
Let vocabulary
Be the only heat that you’re packin’
And make friends with people
Who will have your back–
Not to jump people with you
But to keep you on track
What would happen to the world
If this was all we were rappin’?
If we could open up some minds
And maybe put some facts in?
Then they couldn’t argue
That all that’s happened
Is the sole result
Of a rappin’ entrapment
Can’t say I’ll be the next trendsetter
But I’m waiting for a Charlie Cheddar
To make it better

Charlie Cheddar
He’s the best rapper in the biz!
Charlie Cheddar
You can listen to him with your kids!

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