Do Not Mess With Me (A Rap)

I’m normally against
Violent actions
But your rhymes make me
Want to join a violent faction
Become extremist
In the face of your weakness
But you draw fans to you like
Iron Man Extremis
Chasin’ cash like
Horses at the Preakness
Your rhyme science elementary
Like Beakman’s
Meanwhile
I’m Neil de Grasse-Tyson
Went to the head of the class
And passed you twice, son
You find yourself in trouble
So say you’re sorry
Before your pitfalls land you in combat
Like Atari
You got a monopoly
On this bored game
Rap traffic’s all backed up
Because of your lane
Pull your pants back up
And cover your shame
And tell your rap peers
Perhaps they should do the same

Do not mess with me
Might have to deal with you
Just sit back, relax, unwind
And let the lyrics thrill you
Do not mess with me
Might have to deal with you
I shouldn’t even have to ask
But sometimes I still do
So chill, dude

I retake the streets
Like Double Dragons
You trash the community
Like double baggin’
Rhymes like you’re using Explorer
Because they’re laggin’
You feature rappers just like you
So they can tag in
And embarrass your skill
Right on the same track
While you sign a new deal
And get a million cash back
Wish I could get a few meals
As easy as that
But I don’t think they still
Want good thoughts in tight tracks
But in no way am I
Master of the game
But I definitely won’t be
Acting like I’m a slave
And usin’ the words
That were slurred against my ancestors
Rather speak English
And make them understand better
But my theme here’s not
Of cold-blooded murder
Of some dude in a movie
Impaled upon a girder
I’m trying to make clear
The fate of rap deserters
Rap’s a maiden–
Folks like you just don’t deserve her

Do not mess with me
Might have to deal with you
Just sit back, relax, unwind
And let the lyrics thrill you
Do not mess with me
Might have to deal with you
I shouldn’t even have to ask
But sometimes I still do
So chill, dude

There has been an awakening
Have you felt it?
They opened the Ark of the Covenant
Faces melted
And he knew that she was Mystique
Because he smelled it
And Galadriel passed the test
But Smeagol failed it
Pop culture references
Become pointless
I’m bent out of shape
Like Reed Richards’ joints did
People harassing the Stiffs
Like they were Peter
His tone of voice accusing Tris
Of being a cheater
So they put ’em in the ring
And he chose to beat her
And Four takes care of her
Just like a leader
I paint a picture of
Still life like Rockwell
My basestar’s ready for war
Like I’m Stockwell
Make enterprise
Fascinating like Combs did
I show up at arenas attacking ’em
Like the clones did
My rhymes are razor sharp
Like throwing axes
They hit the mark
And knock it way off its axis
You see this?
My mike is my BOOMSTICK!
It’s the very tool
That you’ll meet your doom with!
But I digress
I’m here to lighten the stress
Probably not my place
To criticize the dress
Of the artists covered in tattoos
Trying to impress
On the radio ten times over
Like they’re obsessed
But their lyrics sound like
They settled for seventh-best
I could write better rhymes
While seated behind a desk
At a 9 to 5 office
While working on something else
What was on their minds
We really can’t tell
But I know their rhymes need to be flushed
‘Cause what a bad smell

Do not mess with me
Might have to deal with you
Just sit back, relax, unwind
And let the lyrics thrill you
Do not mess with me
Might have to deal with you
I shouldn’t even have to ask
But sometimes I still do
So chill, dude

Maybe rap’s the one
Singing the chorus
So we can bring it back
From the dead like it was Horus
So it can bring forth
Fresh new variety
And give us something
Rappers today are denying me
Make it like it’s back in the day
Like Calliope
Or maybe it’s an honest mistake
Maybe they lied to me
And rap is still fun and exciting
Perhaps it tries to be
But there’s a lot of fighting
Within the rap tribes, I see
But people fight over things
That can be stupid
People fight over seeing
A black stormtrooper
Or whether or not Superman
Is still super
You can save the whole planet
And the survivors will sue you
So these days
Not much can surprise me
And the real rap battle
Is just the one inside me
And so the finger to the throat
Means death
So let’s protect rap
From its last breath
It’s time to step

Do not mess with me
Might have to deal with you
Just sit back, relax, unwind
And let the lyrics thrill you
Do not mess with me
Might have to deal with you
I shouldn’t even have to ask
But sometimes I still do
So chill, dude

(Alternate chorus, deemed too threatening:

Do not mess with me
Might have to kill you
Don’t want to do a violent act
But sometimes I still do
So do not mess with me
Might have to kill you
Don’t want to have to end your life
And turn you into a still dude
A killed dude

…Also, how many movie/TV references did you spot? I almost want to count them!)

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