Defense (A Rap)

I’ll switch sides

It’s time for the lies

Let’s shoot everyone and everything

Until it dies

I think I’ll also go online

And use my words

To shove hot pikes into their spines

It’s the Internet

They won’t mind

Because you can’t see me

I don’t have to be kind

I can tell you

To kiss my behind

And jump down your throat

Just for speaking your mind

See, nobody else

Gets to have an opinion

If a fight is on, man,

It’s a guarantee I’ll win it

All I have to do is

Say that I hate it

And insult or laugh

If someone wants to debate it

And if I can generate

Enough support,

My words, though anonymous,

Are suddenly a news report

I’ve got a policy

That’s just like Demosthenes

Destroy you via ansible

Don’t try to bother me

And I haven’t even lost sleep

I can cut a million people

And they will not bleed

Maybe a few million more

If I’ve got the need

And afterwards I’ll even

Boast about the deed

I’ll make these fools wish

They never learned how to read

My words are a Mack truck

Travelling at high speed

And that was verse number one

My mike’s in a holster

I compare it to a loaded gun

So it’s time to blow it at someone

And do some damage

All in the name of having fun

I think I’ll become sadistic

And finally get to say something

That’s truly twisted

The world is broken

And why bother to fix it?

There’s crooks in the kitchen

And they’re serving up the biscuits

And from the moon to the districts

They’re keeping us from the escape

Like interdiction

So we only need perspective

Let’s just do whatever we want

Completely selfish

Actually, I mean self-destructive

Let’s not do anything at all

That’s productive

Or maybe rake in the cash

A hundred dollars every month

For reruns of M*A*S*H

Keep ’em entertained and stupid

And shoot ’em every February

Like a cupid

Oh, wow!  Look at that dress!

Ignore the other actual news–

Let’s obsess!

Make every issue of Cosmo

About sex

And show a Photoshopped woman

In a dress that’s like Spandex

Make every normal woman

Feel depressed

Because they look just like

Stay Puft and quite a mess

And guess what?

We could care less

We’ll chew you up,

Bones and all,

And say, “What’s next?”

Hey! Ask your doctor

About Viagra!

You see that woman twenty years younger?

You can have her!

Don’t fake–we know

That’s what you’re after

Your first wife is old

Send her up to the rafters

Where we charge ten bucks

For cheap eats

And sixty-five more

Just to get in the cheap seats

And while you’re at it,

Just grab a beer

It’s cold and tastes great

Only genuine drafts here!

It’s just the bread and circuses

We drown you in excitement

Every time you surface

Because it makes us nervous

When anyone begins to think

About their purpose

So, for us, it’s worth it

To make clear on every paycheck

That you’re worthless

…But thank you for your service

Your pension’s now up for grabs

Amongst the serpents

What?  You mean it’s for your retirement?

You better go to work

I hear they need firemen

They might recruit retired men

In the meantime, oh well,

Hey, you’re fired, man

Turned on the news

Another crisis

Guess there’s a new group now

They’re called ISIS

Huh–after twelve years of war

You mean the same problem

Is worse than before?

Wow, that’s a little bit scary

Good thing for this camera

And microphone I carry

That way, they can know where I am

And every word I say

And even read my spam

Phew!  I feel so much safer

They’re advertising at me

Like a high tech Don Draper

But maybe we’re the madmen

We need to become gods just

To catch the bad men

Oops–we almost had him

We nearly found the bomb

That he left in the bathroom

And we catalogued his tattoos

We didn’t record

Deals we made in the back room

Because the banks’ll back you

If you acknowledge there is nothing

That you can do

Your administration works for me

And all I provide in return

Is a small fee

We can meet up later

For some coffee

While we go over the laws

You’ll pass that will profit me

No, I may not earn my wealth honestly

But even so, I’d say

My future is quite promising

See, I can do whatever I want

And then change my name

In a publicity stunt

Remember how Accenture

Was Andersen Consulting?  No?  Good!

That means nobody noticed!

It’s actually funny to me

Ovaltine and Nesquik

Are owned by the same team

And me?  I own sour and cream

Deodorant, lotion, toothpaste

And hand cream

So if you think you can handle me

Go back to sleep

You were just having a bad dream

To make clear my focus

The world is hopeless

It’s beyond our comprehension

Hocus pocus

You better just hope

You’re not noticed

And stay dumb

But not so dumb you become homeless

Or you could if you want to

Some can make more money

Than working grunts do

And they’ll be sitting right out front, too

Makin’ up a story

To get a buck from you

I used to notice before

Their very close proximity

To all the liquor stores

Before I even used to care

But the way people treat me now?

I don’t dare

Because now people lie to you

And don’t seem to understand the word “No”

Like I do

Not the ‘n’, and not the ‘o’

All they really want

Is their hands on my dough

And I don’t even understand why, though

There’s got to be some kind of job

They can apply for

I didn’t want to be cold

But I see the same people every year–

It gets old

If they could somehow

Survive the streets

Then clearly they can keep on

Surviving without me

I used to be about them

Now, I’m about me

Because there’s an old saying

About lunch:

It’s not free

At the end, clinical

About the world, cynical

This rap is so kosher now

That it’s rabbinical

I achieve my dreams

Atop the pinnacle

Ignore all the screams below

Like all the sinners do

I stand alone, atoned

And found my center, too

My wind is blowing ultra cold

Just like the winters do

I raise my arms up bold

Like the winners do

And at this point

I have already been a dude

Who is sick and tired

Of dumb interviews:

‘Your kid is dead.

So, how do you feel?’

‘I feel like

I don’t want to eat another meal.’

I’m sick of wanting solutions

All I really want right now

Is retribution

If you want to know

What I think of the future

My answer is to pull out my mike

And just shoot you

And then I’ll come a little closer

Put my mike right back inside its holster

And I’ll say to you:

“The future is dead.

Mankind’s earned a self-inflicted bullet to the head.”

This is my reason

Tired of trying to please them

I tried to believe it

Now, I am leaving

This is my defense

The world’s without reason

So it’s time to get even

Forget them and leave them


If it’s unclear, this is intended as a counterargument to my previous rap, “Offense”. I just finished writing a draft of the next rap, a rap battle I have with myself, called “Offense Vs. Defense”.  I will post that when I have time and the patience to type it out.  Thanks for reading.

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