Offense Vs. Defense (A Rap Battle With Myself)

Commentator: Equally valid
And both equally talented
Will they fall into madness
Or seek a way to balance it?
Offense and Defense
Both taking the field
I’m curious to see
Which one of them will yield
The next step is, yes,
The coin toss
Offense gets the first rap
To start it off…


Off:  Hut-hut-hike!
And I snap the mike
You’re not in the same league as me
So ride a trike
Your raps are tired
Did they go on strike?
Quit now, throw in the towel,
And stop the fight!

Def:  Ha ha ha!
I’m not even impressed
You can barely get a couple of likes
On WordPress
Maybe if you weren’t so busy
Living a nerdfest
You could string together a rhyme
That wasn’t third best!

Off:  A nice rhyme
Quite cleverly deduced
I think it’s past time
To start decimating you, fool
See, people underestimate a dude
And they find themselves held
Directly under my boot

Def:  Okay, is there a point
To our battling
Other than a fancy show
Of saber rattling?

Off:  Actually, yes.  You see,
I made this happen
The saber is unsheathed
So let’s begin the battle, man.

Def:  So you think you can save them?
No amount of soap and water
Could ever bathe them
And they’re so busy blaming Satan
That they can’t even look in the mirror
You see, I blame them
My purpose here is to shame them
All the blood that’s on their hands
Completely stained them

Off:  Maybe so,
But we can always dream
No matter what we try to do
We’ll never stay clean

Def:  Ah, I see
So you agree
People have become like zombies
On bended knee
Became slaves who crave their own brains
They cannibalize themselves
Until they go insane

Off:  The world is not a horror movie
There are still decent people left here
That’s a surety
And if we keep on trying
Then there’s sure to be
A new generation of heroes
Fighting to be free

Def:  Man, your rhymes are boring me
I’m just here for the dragon’s gold
Like Thorin be
So you can forget about a contract
There’s no one else left in the world
Who has got your back
And yet you say that we should just attack
But I say the best offense
Is to accept the facts

Off:  You choose to see only
One side of things
I choose to believe
That there’s more hope inside of me
And our society’s not broken
In spite of these
Handfuls of aberrations
And the violent deeds

Def:  I don’t admire the
Gun battles and piracy
And crooked preachers and
Fake leaders with fake piety
This space is taken with hate
So don’t lie to me
Everything about you’s mistaken–
Your rhymes decidedly
People are savages
Even looking at averages
It’s nothing but sadness
And I’ve about had it here

Off:  How ignoble,
How you ignore the total
Your mind is still local
While mine has gone global
You need to expand your horizons
You sound like an Abilify advertisement
So take this thought under advisement
These challenges are big enough
Don’t super size them
Okay, so the world has corruption
Don’t turn it into an Oliver Stone production

Def:  All you can talk about is movies
You’re on the Internet
Staring at videos of cuties
And I’m not talking about mandarins
I’m talking about Selena, Christina
And Misty Anderson
So you’re not being honest
You’ll watch a movie just to see
Shailene topless

Off:  I never said I was perfect
But now it seems an old failure’s
Brought to the surface
So okay, I may lack some sense
It’s kind of in my name
That I cause some offense
But it’s not like my office
Is littered with Hustler, Maxim,
Or even Complex
I’m not proud of who I am
But I still have a chance
To become a better man
But when I do,
You’ll still remain cynical
While I’ll have my loved ones
You’re an individual

Def:  Ha!  She loved you?
Or married
You for money?
And doesn’t ever seem to
Find your jokes funny?
Or your brother and mother
Who are shunning
You because you disagree
With their theology?
And every single conversation
With them is like you’re under
Different constellations
So, seems like you got a problem, bee
You and I are buzzing
Around the same property

Off:  Whoa, there, now, slow down–
You just shocked me
I hadn’t even thought of that
It’s true, probably
And I understand now
Why you talk to me
There’s no one else here
With an ear to hear me properly

Def:  It’s all a bunch of desperation
You and I, we’re both
Headed for desolation
My heart and mind
Have just staged a jailbreak
And I declare this rap battle
To be a stalemate
And now neither side can move
But I don’t think anyone else
Lies like you do
One day, when you die, then the truth
Will come out and everybody that you knew
Will despise you

Off:  I’d rather they look
Deeper inside you
And see something more than the sins
Within, like I do
I’m not really interested
In fighting you
So much as I’m interested
In uniting you
Because together
We can do great things
Or at the very least
We can forge a great peace
But you’re right–
Neither of us wins
Because the real battle for our lives
Has yet to end
So are we heroes,
Or are we just men?

Def:  Doesn’t matter, gear me up
I’m going in
And from now
Until we’re wearing Depends
We’ll fight the good fight
As allies, if not friends

Off:  Well, I’ve got
An extra page to share
Want to rap battle some more
And see how we fare?

Def:  Not really
You can’t even get near me
I’m live action
And you’re just an animated series

Off:  Well, at least I’ll last for a season
Your box office showing is weak
For no apparent reason
And while my storyline is best
Yours degenerates
Into a CGI punchfest

Def:  That’s because I’ve got a big budget
While your catering service
Is a bag of frozen nuggets
Your ratings plummet
You don’t have the stomach
You can’t digest a rap contest
My flows are stunning

Off:  Oh, you think you’re cunning?
My rap’s the stuff of legends
You’re trying to teach the class
And you don’t know the lesson
So count your blessings
You’re like a salad dressing
I could pour you on my lettuce
And consume you with my vegetables

Def:  Oh yeah? You are nothing but mince meat
I’ll put you in a soup
And boil you like some Dinty
And your breath is not minty
You need baking soda, peroxide
And plenty

Off:  Are you sure you meant me?
Your ad hominems are
Flickering like a hologram
Here’s a card you can use–
You should be calling them
You need rapside assistance
‘Cause you’re stalling, man
So I suggest that you ban your mouth
Fly off or shrink into nothing
Like a Brandon Routh

Def:  Man, I think your steam is running down
I suspect you’re all out of
Gas to fuel your motor now
So I think your ship is going down
I’m a rap predator
Better than you on open ground
And I’ve got my heat sensors
You had been defeated
Before you even entered
And I beat you like beginners
I’m two moves away from checkmate
Your rap is cinders

Off:  You used to think
You were the center
I’m the Galileo of rap and
Now your theory’s injured
My declaration is thus:
And yet it does move
The momentum just swung and thrust
Me years in front of you
So I suggest to save face
That you locate the nearest exit
And escape
You may proclaim your rhymes are great
But you got yourself embarrassed
Coming here was a mistake
And I’ll cut you like a cake
I could take you in a battle
And win during my lunch break
And still have time for lunch
The door is right there
Your car is waiting out front


Commentator:  And so it’s a tie
Offense and Defense scored
Well into overtime
With rhyme after
Devastating rhyme
I would say they
Both performed perfectly fine
So thanks for joining us tonight
This has been an Atin & Fi production
Good night!
Any rebroadcast
Or redistribution
Is totally fine!
Send it to your producer!
(Off-camera:) Nah, this guy’s a total loser
I think I’ll go see what else
Is on the tube, bro

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