Bed Bugs (A Rap)

Sleep tight
And we will get a bite
Whether you let us or not
We’ve come to eat tonight
A nearly mythical
Childhood entity
Now become real
And now your worst enemies
Everytime you believe you’ve beat us
We turn up alive again
So we can eat up
And don’t let the weather heat up
We love it when it’s summer
It’s like it gets our needs up
You can even try to squeeze us
But we can escape death by a millimeter
And if we die upon your sheets
You’re creeped out
And never want to lie upon your sheets
Please–as if you don’t know
It’s eat to survive
And even if we starve for months
We’re still alive
You can try to use your vacuum
We’ll crawl right up out of it
And still attack you
The only demon we fear
Is steaming
But we can hide away
And get you while you’re dreaming
Oh, and since we’re here
We’ll be leaving
A reminder of what we eat–
We left you bleeding


We’re not chiseled and handsome
Like in Twilight
But we’re the vampires
Who arrive upon you by night
But we don’t obey a strict schedule
Your blood is our food group
It’s our meat and vegetables
We can hide in your coats and your books
We can hide inside your Kindles
And inside your Nooks
Are you sure?
Better try a second look
Or I’ll be crawling up your lap to snack
I’ll leave you shook
Because I’ve got moves like a ninja
I crawled up to your ceiling
And dropped down and bit you
And then I disappeared
Out of the picture
I’m so bad I can hide
Inside a pitcher
Of course I wouldn’t survive
If you drink me
But as long as I’m alive
I’ll be constantly thinking
Of some new ways of travelling
Enough of us will have
Your whole life unraveling
I’ll have you battling
I’ll have you waking up at four in morning
Like, “What is happening?!”
And you better not have long hair
Or I’ll be setting up shop
I can ride all day in there
I’ll have you startled and scared though
I’m the kind of foe
That you can’t prepare for
I’m of a habit like fascists
I’m at you
Your hat, your back, and your legs
I’m like a tattoo
I come back like undead
I never rest, ever
Until my folks are fed
And since my folks are always hungry
That means one of us
Will always be coming


So I suppose
You shouldn’t come to visit
We’re running around like roaches
In the kitchen
It’s all about survival
Taking claim of the food chain
And eating rivals
And now we own your couches
We set up home base
Wherever your house is
We’ll be feeding on your mice
And we’ll be eating you
Like some basmati rice
And we’re not particularly nice
You want us around
About as much as some head lice
You can toss out your mattress
Burn your house down
I’ll provide the matches
Because you can’t match this
Persistent in the system
Like a virus from attachments
You don’t understand
I’m hardwired
I do what I have to
It’s not about desire
Your blood’s what I require
I could be in True Blood and The Wire
So it’s okay if you’re tired
Go to sleep
We’ll just curl up right beside you
And we’ll be hiding in your laundry
Your car, your apartment
Even inside your coffee
Eventually we can cause you pain
Have you like Xavier:
“You’re driving me insane!”
So is there a way to beat us?
Well, I could tell you
But then you’d have to be us
‘Cause there’s nobody else that we trust
We want carbon dioxide
We know that’s where your mom hides
And we thrive on the dark side
Of the moon we defy you
Like Sentinel Prime do
So it’s not hard to find you
Whenever you go back to bed
We’ll remind you

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