Not Matt Damon: The Battle of ‘Here’s Baby Too!’ Part 3 & Conclusion

[Another blow to the chest, and Emily lands on her feet. She grabs her wooden sword as Sarah backflips three times, then throws a red fabric that unravels and comes straight at Emily. Emily leaps on top of it and begins to run across it towards Sarah; she runs on top of it, then runs under it, upside down. Reaching Sarah, she raises her sword to strike, and Sarah twists the fabric, catching Emily and delivering her to the ground.]

Emily: Ughf!

[Emily rolls away just in time to avoid a deadly scratch from Sarah’s claws. Sparks appear where she was as Sarah rears back for another slash.]

Sarah: Your beloved boyfriend has already fallen, no doubt. Why fight on?

Emily: …Actually, well—first of all, he’s not my boyfriend. Secondly, you did just attack me. If you hadn’t, we wouldn’t be fighting, I guess.

Sarah: Oh? Oh. Well, then. I’ll stop fighting you. Sorry about that. You’re pretty good, with the uh, ninja thing. Who did you study under?

Emily: It was an 8-week program at a local rec center. I don’t really remember the guy’s name. You just never know when you might need ninjitsu during an early morning run.

Sarah: Yeah, I know. I spent a little time in Hong Kong, myself, learning from a retired sensei. Tell me, did they teach you any Special Moves? You know, to take down an opponent immediately?

Emily: I…don’t think the guy was licensed to teach those. I’m thinking I might try to take a course for that next sum—

Sarah [hyper punches Emily]: SILVERMA-KILL!!

[Emily blocks it just in time, her feet kicking up dust as she slides backwards.]

Emily: What are you doing?!

Sarah: Your defense is strong. But you can only block a Special Move so many times before it knocks you out. [Sarah charges at her.] SILVERMA-KILL! SILVERMA-KILL! SILVERMA-KILL! SILVERMA-[Sarah voice gets lower and slows down] KIIIILL!

[Emily gets hit at last and falls to the ground in slow motion.]


Sarah [dusting her hands off]: You aren’t equipped to beat me. Go home and practice! [Her eyes widen] CONTINUE? No? Game over, then. [Her earpiece chimes.]

Matt[‘s voice in her earpiece]: Sarah, is it done?

Sarah: Yes, it’s done.

Matt: Good. Augustus is not responding to my hails. I have Matthew in custody. Bring Emily to me, then disappear. No one must know you were here.

Sarah: Understood.

[Augustus and Chris trade blows. Fists punch through brick and wood, and make dents in metal. A tangle of bodies crashes through a door. Augustus emerges on top and throws a series of savage punches at Chris.]

Augustus: Still conscious?

Chris: So far. RAAA! [He shoves Augustus off and gets to his feet.]

Augustus [crouching in a wrestler’s stance]: So you’re not entirely soft. But taking a beating is useless without the strength to beat back!

[He throws a right hook. Chris ducks it, then counters with a gut punch. Augustus drops his elbow in a fraction of a second to block it, then gives a vicious straight jab.]

Chris: Augh! [He staggers backwards, then goes to his knees.]

Augustus [flexing his fingers]: Are you prepared to yield?

[Chris turns away, feeling beaten. Just then, a flash of lightning reveals a sledgehammer just within his reach. A glimmer of hope stirs within him, and he slowly reaches for the sledgehammer.]

Chris [feigning defeat]: Yes. I’m prepared to yield.

[Augustus narrows his eyes, wary of a surprise attack.]

Chris: But not to you!

[Chris leaps into the air, holding the sledgehammer high and bringing it down in slow motion as lightning strikes again.]


[A hand catches the sledgehammer mere inches from Augustus’ face.]

Matt: It’s over. The authorities are here. You can still walk away from this. Or better still…

[Matt pulls the hammer suddenly and hits Augustus in the head, knocking him unconscious.]

…you can join me again. You have proven your worth to me.

Chris [glances at Augustus lying on the ground, lowers the hammer]: I don’t…understand.

Matt: It was all a test, Christopher. Don’t you see? He wasn’t worthy to take your place. I’ve dealt with Matthew, and now, I’ve proven to myself that you are as loyal a man as I can find to protect me. Thank you…for all that you’ve done. Your bravery has humbled me. [Matt smiles.] Now let’s go enjoy that premiere, eh?

[Intercom Guard, now promoted to Head of Mental Hospital Security, steps into the building; several flashlights shine behind him.]

Head of Security (HOS): Not so fast. There’s a guy knocked out right there, and a guy standing right there. Now either both are Matt Damon—[shining his flashlight in Matt’s face]—or one of you is an impostor. Either way, I say you both come with me and we settle this up at the hospital. Full eval.

Matt: We could do that. But it’s unnecessary, because I’m Matt Damon. Hey, has anyone told you you look like Jonah Hill?

HOS [smiling and shaking his head]:   Uh, no, no, no. No way. I don’t look like that guy. And we’re not going to play that game. Mr. Damon, or Damensen, you’re coming with me. We have you completely surrounded and my men are trained in the deadly arts of Brazilian jiu-jitsu.

Matt: Seriously? Brazilian? Literally everyone knows that now. Come on, then. Let’s have a round.

HOS [spreads his arms to hold his men back]: No. He’s baiting us, he wants us to fight him so he can have a chance of escape.

Matt: But if I’m not Matt Damon, what are you afraid of? Matthew can’t beat twelve guards.

HOS: Wait…[his phone vibrates]…This YouTube video just went viral. An anonymous user submitted a video of a guy named Matthew Damensen…trying to replace Matt Damon. [He looks up at Matt] I am so sorry, sir. It’s a pleasure to meet you.

Matt: So you just immediately believe the Internet.

HOS: Well…no, not immediately.

Matt: Yeah, immediately. [He smiles.] Admit it, you’re an entertainment news junkie.

HOS [smiles sheepishly]: Okay, well, yeah, maybe a little bit. [He stops smiling] But my duty is clear. You’re coming with me, Matt—

[Shouting is heard behind HOS. He turns to see the source of the commotion.]

Matthew [being held just barely by four guards]: Get off me, you fools! He’s not Matt Damon! I AM! Let go of me! Get off me! Aaaargh! Matthew! Matthew, what did you do to me?

Matt [smiles in satisfaction]: Wouldn’t you like to know?

HOS: Wow. Clearly he’s not Matt Damon. That guy’s nuts. Okay guys, put him under, we’re done here. Matt’s not sick, this impostor is.

Matthew: What? No! NOOO!! This is a mistake! I’M MATT DAMON! I’M MATT DAMON, AAGH! NOOO! NOOO! [He grabs a hand trying to jab him with a needle, but finds his fingers go numb and he feels weak.]

HOS: Hold—hold him! Guys?! Hold him down! Hold him!

[A guard finally jabs Matthew in the side with a needle, and he begins to descend into unconsciousness.]

Matthew [glaring at Matt, speaks with clenched teeth]: I’m going to get you, Matthew. [He spits at Matt.] I’m going to get you… [His breathing, ragged and angry, gradually slows as he drifts into sleep.]

[Matt walks out of the building. Chris spares a final glance at where Augustus lay unconscious. Or at least…where he thought he was… He hurries to catch up to Matt.]

Matt [hurries outside—looking around, he sees Emily unconscious, slumped against the side of a building]: Emily! [He runs over to her, his eyes alert for danger.]

[Emily’s eyes open and she looks around, startled]: Matt…Is it you? Is it you, Matt?

Matt: Yes. Yes, it’s me. Matthew [his voice catches in his throat]…Matthew won’t be bothering you again. He lost touch with himself, and it…it drove him over the edge. But he’s in good hands now. He’ll get the help he needs.

Emily [tears welling up in her eyes]: I loved him. And it’s only now, looking at you, that I realize how much.

Matt: Well, I’m sorry for what he did to you, Emily. And I’m sure…that somewhere in there…he loves you, too.

Emily [putting a hand up to caress his face]: If only…he were as brave and sweet as you.

Matt [stares at her for a long time, his expression almost…a longing…]: I’ve…I’ve got to go. The press will get wind of this, and…

Emily [smiling amorously at him]: I know. I’ll…see you soon?

Matt [his smile torn between joy and hurt]: I’ll…see you soon.

[Later, as Matthew is placed in an ambulance, Chris and Matt watch. A bewildered press snaps photos incessantly.]

Chris: Such a sad man. I wonder what his life was before he ruined it so?

Matt: Well, Chris, that’s for the shrinks to decide. I only wish he’d gotten the help he needed before now.

Chris: And you? How are you?

Matt: Well, he surprised me, I’ll say that. But I’m fine. Nothing a good ice pack can’t cure.

[Chris chuckles.]

Matt: Is Emily done with the police yet? [He nods at Emily from a distance; she smiles shyly.]

Chris: She’s wrapping up, I think. … You care for her, sir. Don’t you?

Matt [his expression turning sad]: More than I thought possible. She’s…a good friend. I feel bad for her, caring for Matthew as she did. But she’ll land on her feet. I’m sure of it. [Folding his arms and turning to face Chris] So, Augustus, huh? That was…interesting. Care to tell me about it?

Chris [wistful]: An old friend…turned enemy. Nothing more to it. He seems to have disappeared in the midst of all the trouble. He hadn’t done anything wrong.

Matt: He was trying to kill you, wasn’t he?

Chris: Well…he plays a little rough. I was in no real danger.

Matt: Mm.

Chris: One question, though. … Was Matthew talking to himself, or was he calling you Matthew?

Matt [stares at Chris for a moment, camera slowly tightens on Matt’s eyes]: One can never say what’s truly going on…in a troubled mind like that. People can convince themselves of anything…[Matt’s eyes flicker…] become whatever they want…if they only believe…


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s