Shadows of Me (A Rap)

It’s right in front of me
It’s all I can see
Still doing battle with
The shadows of me
It’s like a part of me
That’s hiding, unseen
Still doing battle with
The shadows of me

It’s like a poison
Bubbling up, filling with rage
Like a psychotic noise
I’m attacking the page
In spite of light
It still lies in front of me
I try to do the right
But I find I’m struggling
In my head
I hear the cursing has worsened
And though I have a wife
I’m accidentally flirting
And some days
It feels like we’re roommates
I’m bad at creating
Scenarios like first dates
And though she’s fine
And often on my mind
I forget what she says
Like every other time
And then it feels like
I can’t steal some kisses
Because at night we still
Share the bed with the children
And it’s not
‘Cause they had a nightmare
The last six years
I felt ’em kicking me right there
Wake up with the pain
With the back sore
Can’t even explain it–
What in the world was that for?
But then I see them grow
And I know
That sooner or later
A father has to let go
That kind of loss
Makes me not want ’em close
But I don’t want the cost
To be the love I show…
And on the days
That I’m winning
I remember things
That are still unforgiven

It’s right in front of me
It’s all I can see
Still doing battle with
The shadows of me
It’s like a part of me
That’s hiding, unseen
Still doing battle with
The shadows of me

Not my fault
I was raised in a cult
Used to pray for forgiveness
To God in my thoughts
It took a lot
To learn the lies I was taught
And it tore up my heart
Like a fire is hot
I lost friends
And burned bridges at both ends
Stood in the middle
Of a fight that was hopeless
Turned to a friend
In desperation to cope with
And then I betrayed her
By losing my focus
And sometimes
She still calls my office
She’s still in my mind
Though not quite as often
It still hurts
I don’t know what is worse
That I still think about her
Or that she was my first
And some nights
The guilt finds its way back
But that’s part of life
We don’t get to use a WABAC
So I tell those memories
To stay back
But they ignore me
And continue with the playback
And I ask if she
Secretly hates me
And curses the day
When we first started dating
Or am I alone
With the pain?
Did it hurt her so little
That I’m past her today?
And I don’t know
If she’s there
But if she was,
I would want her to know I still care

It’s right in front of me
It’s all I can see
Still doing battle with
The shadows of me
It’s like a part of me
That’s hiding, unseen
Still doing battle with
The shadows of me

I’m still coming to terms
With my desires
And then a woman catches my eye
And starts a fire
And all my efforts to stall it
Stoke the coals
Like I’m building a wall
While my heart’s blowing holes
But I’ve already got
Someone to hold
I don’t want to be the guy
Who’s tormenting her soul
So I try my best
To just ignore it
Like telling myself
Obsessions aren’t important
And to be honest
It’s starting to get annoying
Testosterone is the missile
They’re deploying
And all I’ve got
Is a brain and a ring
I already spoke the oath
So how do you work this thing?
I know I’m supposed
To call it precious
But the ring doesn’t make me
Disappear like breakfast
That’s why I’m tempted
To do something that’s reckless
And why the sight of women
Can still leave me breathless
Now I can barely afford
A cheap necklace
In a different life
I’d be driving a Lexus
I love my wife
But inside I feel restless
Lost in the desert of love
And feeling desperate
But there are sharks in the water
So don’t test it
You’ve already fought this battle
And been bested
So my advice to myself
Is get rested
Every new fight
Is a mark off the checklist

It’s right in front of me
It’s all I can see
Still doing battle with
The shadows of me
It’s like a part of me
That’s hiding, unseen
Still doing battle with
The shadows of me

Some days
I think about divorce
Or just rolling up the windows
And screaming till I’m hoarse
Still wishing I chose
A different course
But that’s no excuse
That would hold up in court
And people wonder
Why I don’t talk to them
I’m afraid the truth
Will be spoken too often then
And then they don’t
Take me seriously
I explain the situation and
It’s like they’re not hearing me
Like I’m stuffed with cotton
Not speaking clearly
The third time repeating myself
Makes me weary
So I stay
Out of their parties
And socializing scares me
Like not having coffee
But it’s something
I can’t avoid
Somewhere inside there is still
Quite a void
Like heaven above
Was destroyed
And all I have left
Is I’m currently employed
I’m starting to feel
Like I’m a monster
When it all started
From following my conscience
And life feels like
A foreign concept
It’s no longer right and wrong
It’s all nonsense
And these are the days
I feel ashamed
That I can’t tell my wife
About my secret pain
Instead I gather my strength
And carry on
Try to smile and pretend
There’s nothing at all wrong
But I’m small
There’s nothing about me strong
I can only carry
All this weight for so long
I just want a place
Where I belong
A place where I can stand
After so many falls
So maybe these shadows
Are pretty dark
But I like to write ’em down
To get ’em off my heart

It’s right in front of me
It’s all I can see
Still doing battle with
The shadows of me
It’s like a part of me
That’s hiding, unseen
Still doing battle with
The shadows of me

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