Monthly Archives: April 2016


Do you want a real war,
Miss Everdeen?
Something worse than
You’ve ever seen?
Mess with me
Think you’re a symbol
Of a fire catching destiny
That’s what you get
When you’re testing me–
People think their drink’s safe
Around me
And then it feels like
They’re drowning–
Clown, please
I’m at the top of these Districts
Like Bisquick
I make great cakes
On every fool’s mistakes, kid
So you’re coming against me?
My well-oiled machine is mean
To me, it’s sacred
And what a horrible war
And from the ashes the Capitol cashed in
Like liquor stores
So give me more
While your stomach rumbles from hunger
And if you volunteer to die
You’ll eat something

This is President Snow
And I can hear you
I’ll take everything
That you hold dear and kill you
This is President Snow
And I can hear you
I’ll give you
The kind of fear that will chill you

Seneca Crane was a pain
Like a rose thorn
He should have blown you to bits
With a Claymore
I liked him
I told him to be careful
Sadly, Seneca made
A fatal error
But I guess you probably know
Where he is–
Pushing up daisies
Deep beneath the grave, see?
Not something
You should have carried–those berries
Your Nightlock is about to end
With lives lost
A high cost
You should’ve ate ’em, you little satan
It would be safer for your sake
To save them
I would hate for your friend Gale
Or brave Prim
To end up whipped on a post
And maybe aching
So I’ll be watching your life
From every angle
And invisible hands at my command
Will strangle
Big Brother’s got nothing on me
I’m killing kids every year on a live TV
Like it’s a highlight
While my people
Live the high life
Best place to keep you safely
Under my knife
While you’re all made up
And in the limelight
I’m beating up on your stylist
It’s a crime, right?
I plan to put out your fire
In a Quarter Quell
Welcome to the jungle
A clock is like a prison cell
Your sugar cubes
And secrets won’t be needed
‘Cause I’m holding hostage
The people that you sleep with
And they’re the very ones
That hurt us most–
I think I’ll raise up a glass to you
Because you’re toast

This is President Snow
And I can hear you
I’ll take everything
That you hold dear and kill you
This is President Snow
And I can hear you
I’ll give you
The kind of fear that will chill you

So come and join me
In the Rose Garden, darling
I’ve got some news for you
It’s kind of startling
You thought the games
That I played were sick
But the same type of games are
Being played by your clique
I played for keeps
And we both hit our targets
You knew all along
So don’t lie–you promised
We made a deal
I’d be honest with you
And I think your rebel friends
Are causing problems for you
I’d solve ’em for you
But me–I’m under armed guard
And certain people that you’re missing?
Well, they’re long gone
I think you’re planning
To hear another cannon shot
Because of plans
That your man got
You’ll make me laugh
Even at my own funeral
And even in my death
I still remained useful

This is President Snow
And I can hear you
I’ll take everything
That you hold dear and kill you
This is President Snow
And I can hear you
I’ll give you
The kind of fear that will chill you

Raps of the Christopherian Realm #30

The President was watching
From the Agency HQ
The scope of a lone sniper
Fed him a safe view
The crosshairs were focused
On Thea
“I have a shot,” the soldier said,
“And it’s clear.
Do I take it?”
He asked and was met
With brief silence
Beads of sweat gathered
With anticipated violence
“Do I take the shot?”
He asked again.
“Mr. President, Thea
Is no longer our friend.
And we may not get
A better chance.
With all due respect,
This is likely our last.”
“Don’t miss,” The President
Coolly replied.
“It might take our team
Another minute to arrive.
Do what you must,
And come back alive.”
The sniper breathed in
As he counted up to five
His finger squeezed
And he let himself breathe
For an instant–
But saw something he couldn’t believe…

“Shoot! Soldier,
You need to move!”
The President said,
“Double R’s–you, too!”
“Copy that, we’re less than
A klick out.
It’s about to get warm–
Echo Green, get down.”
Thea’s attention on
Killing Adablaster
Distracted her–she sensed
Something coming right at her
A cloud of darkness
That spread across the land
With a speed like the sky
Had been painted by hand
And before she could give it
A full inspection
The sound of a shot
From the other direction
Nearly hit her
But in the same instant
Chris came out of nowhere
And the shot hit him
His scarred face
Screamed like part of it had died
This woman is mine!”
Instead of killing Chris
That blast had empowered him
To beat back Scepter,
Who fell down, nearly cowering
“Aggh,” Scepter simply whispered,
“Seems someone else
Was trying to get her.”
He coughed blood
And then wiped his mouth
And said, “So you both must
Contend with me now.”

Garg saw and he felt
His jaw dropping
“Begin retreat!” he yelled,
“No one can stop him!”
And once more,
His troops turned to leave–
A bomb incinerated some
As quick as a blink
A signal came in
And Chris touched his shoulder
A voice: “Get clear, sir!
This will soon be over!
Unit Charlie Green–
We’re here for an extraction!
Go! Go! Go!
Begin with the attack plan!”
A gunship unleashed
A staccato–
Bursts of laserfire
Blew up tanks
“This is Bravo!
I count forty-five
Down in pods!
We need to form
A perimeter,
Retrieve them, and be gone!”
Garg screamed
And he reached for his side piece
Got three shots to that arm
It dropped beside him
Adablaster kicked him
In the head
Then ducked as they shot up Garg–
He was dead
Adablaster couldn’t reach
For the sidearm
Because he was still hurt–
Garg broke his right arm
When he ripped his hand
Out of its socket
And his other arm
Was tied behind him and they locked it
Another blast happened
And it managed to blind him
He passed out
With no hope of surviving

Chris used the distraction
And grabbed Scepter
Punched him in the face
And they flew off together
Thea turned
And they unleashed their burners
Resistance Regiment
Was bent on disturbing her
She couldn’t block
And was riddled with their shots
She flew off wounded
‘Cause the battle was too hot
“Bravo! We need to clear this!
We’re out in the open
And everyone will hear this!”
“Charlie! Get out now!
When Thea comes back,
You shouldn’t be around!”
“Come on, boys,
It’s time for us to move!
Load up the survivors!
We bang out in two!”

And meanwhile
At Agency HQ
The President was watching:
“They might just pull through.
I think we need to
Clear this facility.
Once Thea tracks them here
With her abilities,
We can expect
A terrible reprisal.
But we authorized this mission
So our friends could survive, so
Give this place a clean sweep–
Be thorough.
We rendezvous with them
At the Colonel’s Bureau.
With any hope,
Chris can hold them both off
And join us there, too
So we can then end it all…”

Premium Fresh

My escape method’s
The tape method
So take lessons
Faith lessened
From fake hateful blessings
The disc spins with
Red lasers–my favorite
I’m at Jesus’ age
When he played dead–
I made it
I’m bringing premium knowledge
Like sweet sausage
The taste is supreme
When I come with the honest
Don’t pay attention
To the beef and bratwurst
‘Cause at first
I just meet their raps with laughter
They clone this
Their chicken raps are boneless
You get ’em stuck between your teeth
And then it’s hopeless
So focus
And find a perfect locus
Escape from the plagues
Like Moses from the locusts
You can listen to this
At your desk
I assure you
The rhymes here are premium fresh

So smooth
I can’t believe I’m not butter
But you don’t cut the mustard
You stand back and mutter
Wonder why? It’s because you don’t like
What I utter,
But I quite enjoy it
I think I’ll have another
But your traditional raps
Are Ragú
I’ll eat your bad pizza
Only if I have to
You’ve been sitting there
Frozen two years
But I don’t get it–
This is what people chose to hear?
About as useful
As bland bowls of noodles
Your expiration date is gone
Like your scruples
It’s about time for a
New man to own you
Ask nicely–
I might have some raps to loan you
You make bread
With all laws forsaken
But cake mix alone
Can’t make a proper safe net
Your lies rise
Like self-rising flour
With rhymes this fine
I should charge by the hour

You dill pickles are fickle
And they forget you
My A-1 Sauce is boss
That you can skip to
I tried to tell the soldiers
I’m still kosher
They want me to roast
Till a slow motion explosion
¿Quiere chorizo?
Es Salvadoreño
Con grande sabor
Y es grande y bueno
The cream cheese’ll please
With bagel dreams
And Corn Flakes sharing
A place with Rice Krispies
You Froot Loops are
Two scoops of losing
Your rhymes got rotten, forgotten
Because they’re putrid
You Pop Tarts
Have got heart to play here
But rhyming means
You actually worked hard to stay here
You can’t hack it
You’re in the snack bracket
You fade into legends
Like a dude named Brakiss
So your flows have frozen
Like ice cream
I’ll put you in a cone or a bowl
With cake and icing
And after that
I’ll wash you down with iced tea,
Gatorade and water–
You can’t hope to be like me

Raps of the Christopherian Realm #29

“How is this possible?”
Queen Christina said,
“The tunnel we have found
Stretches miles ahead.”
Consulting data on the screen
In her hand,
She said, “The tunnels lead
All the way to the Barren Lands.
How could anyone
Construct this in secret?
Where did the resources
Come from to complete it?”
And as they walked
They found photos displayed
A mural made in honor
Of the Third Brigade
An ironic display of
Thea, who betrayed them
Christina swallowed her grief
And walked onward
It could take days to walk
And miles farther
What good was a place
For their escape when
They would have to walk
For the entire way?
“Wait,” Christina said,
“There’s something out of place.
That picture of the Third Brigade
Had a mistake.
Lieutenant General Chris
Is more accurately
A member of a different group–
The First Cavalry.”
So they went back
To check out the photo
She reached out to touch it
It requested a passcode
“Uh oh–we’ve got
Less than a minute
To figure out the code
Or automated defenses
Will activate
And our effort to evacuate
Will turn into a
Mad dash away from tragedy!”

The late Starlit didn’t know
About the code
Or she would have included it
In one of her file folders
“Well if I have to guess,
I’ll go with this:
“Code accepted,”
The photograph said.
Arthur scoffed, “You just picked
Six numbers out of your head?”
“No, only two other people
Would understand,”
Christina replied, “Let us
Hope the front door
Doesn’t have the same code
Or Thea could just destroy us.
Then again,” she said,
As the wall briefly shook,
“She would have to know
The right place to look.”
The wall revealed
A small, secret hangar
With a few dozen pods
That could get them out of danger
“Everyone, get a pod.
We must go.
We’ll make groups of three
And we’ll all travel slowly.”

As the dozens of pods
Made their exit
They encountered someone
Who was most unexpected
Empress Thea
Raised a hand as she faced them
Queen Christina’s pod
Then went into a tailspin
It crashed hard
And knocked the queen unconscious
“We seem to have a problem
With traitors. Let’s resolve it,”
Thea said, as she looked
In the distance
An army was approaching–
A force of great significance
It was Garg
Leading remnants of his army
He saw her from afar
And her power was alarming
“I’ve only seen one other
Who can do that,”
Garg said, “So hold your fire
And do not shoot at
This strange woman
Till we see who she is.
Perhaps this is someone
With whom we’ll do business.”

Thea smiled as she
Saw them approaching
“You are trespassing
On my world–encroaching,”
She said, then her eyes landed
On a man
“Very good,” she said,
“You’ve brought the Adablaster.
The original traitor–
What a favor!
Now I don’t have to wait
To kill him later!
You will surrender him now
To my custody,
Or watch as your army
Is crushed into nothing.”
“I accept commands
Only from Christoph.
So whoever you are, my lady,
You can get lost.”
Thea snapped her fingers,
“You can kneel.”
Garg’s legs snapped in two
It was unreal
His soldiers raised their weapons
Much higher
Garg let out a scream
Mixed with pain, “FIRE!”
“NO!” Adablaster yelled,
“Don’t be foolish!
She’d destroy us in an instant!
It would all be useless!
Garg, please!
Let me out these cuffs.
It’s not worth your life
To call this woman’s bluff.
I’ll turn myself in.
There’s nothing left for me–
I’ve lost all my friends.”
Thea said, “So you have.
That’s the price of treason.
And you would have been spared
In a different time or season.”
“No, wait!
You have to listen!”
“Actually, I don’t,” she said,
“I think I’ll kill you…”