Merchandising (BB-8 parody of Notorious B.I.G.’s ‘Hypnotize’)

I make volleyballs cry
‘Cause nobody wants to buy them
Me–I’m like iTunes is
To CDs
I put the First Order
In the hot water
Add a little oil
Then their goose is boiled
To Sphero and Target
I’m a hero
Got Artoo out of a coma
With my zeroes
And ones–binary
Like my funds
You pay double price
For my movies and my merchandise
My face could be
On bags of rice
People still lining up
With their pay to buy them
Even cats with plush toys
They like ’em
Ladies always want me
Rolling right beside them
Got maps
That weren’t found by Google
Even Five Below
Has got me if you’re frugal
Everybody knows
How I’m rolling
My slogan: With me
Every door is opened
Common in your household
More than the cold
Precious like gold
To the young and the old
More famous than the ball
That made Hanks cry
Making people rethink
Everything they buy
No surprise
Rolling through lows and highs
Coming with your Cheerios
Nuggets and your fries

BB BB BB-8
Can’t you see?
You’re so perfect for
Our merchandising
Worth sixty portions
Every day
That’s why Leader Snoke
Is so afraid

I went to Takodana
Instead of McDonald’s
I went to Tatooine
And found their Burger King
I went to Jakku
And thought the First Order shot you
But by some miracle
It seems you got through
Poe, my good buddy
Saved by Finn–
AKA Mr. Big Deal
In the Resistance
This is what we look like
Some of us are different
All you haters–
Get used to it
A man dressed in green
Rolls me through all drama
BB-8
Dodging TIE bombers
But from there
It doesn’t get any calmer
Riding on some garbage
Trying not to vomit
Because of Finn and Rey
The day’s saved
I like this scavenger
She is strong and brave
And people hating
Calling her a Mary Sue
Because she does things
They don’t know how to do
But I zealously defend
From the jealousy
Haters get shocked
Because they’re carbon copies
And I dare you
To come and try to stop me
I’m the one protecting
Lor San Tekka’s property
And just when
They think they got me
Poe blows ’em up
Whenever they’re getting sloppy

BB BB BB-8
Can’t you see?
You’re so perfect for
Our merchandising
Worth sixty portions
Every day
That’s why Leader Snoke
Is so afraid

Quite spherical
Getting lyrical and empirical
My numbers on the rise
While you’re stumbling
Maybe a few critics
Can’t get with it
But I’m Certified Fresh–
Unlike you, I’m successful
Like I dress up in robes
And straight bless folks
Everybody knows
I’m here to cash checks, though
People make
Their oranges look like me
I could make a mint
With BB-8 Nikes
Will they ever shut me down?
Never likely
Kids give me hugs
Their moms, they want to write me
And while I get
Rounds of applause
All you other astromechs
Just get demolished
While you polish yourself
With spit shine
I’m getting turtle wax
Why?  I’m deserving that
Can’t define or divine
My design
Infinity symbol
Got game like Nintendo
But I’m taking over
All your platforms
So consider this
My first and last warning
Roll out–
BB-8’s the new legend
Sold out
Every day without exception
I stack paper like
Bakers stack cakes I’m
BB-8
See me in The Force Awakens

BB BB BB-8
Can’t you see?
You’re so perfect for
Our merchandising
Worth sixty portions
Every day
That’s why Leader Snoke
Is so afraid
BB BB BB-8
Can’t you see?
You’re so perfect for
Our merchandising
Worth sixty portions
Every day
That’s why Leader Snoke
Is so afraid

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