A Valentine To Myself

I’m jealous
So very jealous
Of every kiss I see
Saying, “I wish
There was a kiss
Just like this, meant for me.”
Helpless
So very helpless
The day I saw that she
Had some flowers
And some candy
And then she said to me,
“Who’s
Your Valentine?”
And I could never say
She was mine
‘Cause half the time
My heart got in the way
But that’s the problem
Within the sorrow
I forgot where love begins
If you start it
You cannot borrow
It comes from deep within

Draw hearts
Around my heart
For every time I fell
With a card
I will start
A Valentine to myself
Draw hearts
Around my heart
For every time I’ve failed
Write a card
Although it’s hard
A Valentine to myself

It’s painful
When Cupid aims for
Everyone but me
But shameful
Never changed, so
The bed is still empty
I’d shower
Her with flowers
But I still can’t forget
About the orchids
Laying broken
From the day she left
You can’t solve it
With lots of chocolate
Bathed in shiny red
As is often the case
We’ve forgotten to say
Who we should love the best
But that’s the problem
With the sorrow
It’s why I never win
From the start been
Brokenhearted
And buried deep within

Draw hearts
Around my heart
For every time I fell
With a card
I will start
A Valentine to myself
Draw hearts
Around my heart
For every time I’ve failed
Write a card
Although it’s hard
A Valentine to myself

No one told me
I’d be so lonely
In a crowded room
“Oh, if only
She could hold me”–
It’s the same old tune
And love
Is but a bluff
When your hand is empty
It’s tough
And not enough
To ease the pain that’s in me
If even half
Of what I have
Was given back in loving
Maybe that
Would in fact
Leave me wanting for nothing

Draw hearts
Around my heart
For every time I fell
With a card
I will start
A Valentine to myself
Draw hearts
Around my heart
For every time I’ve failed
Write a card
Although it’s hard
A Valentine to myself

 
Commentary:

I’m not sure I like this song as much as I wanted to when I had the idea for it, but I tried. Might be worth trying again sometime. Well, the chorus I like, but I have doubts about the rest.

It came from this thought I had, because I have hated Valentine’s Day for more than 20 years. I referenced a moment in my life when I saw someone I had a crush on with candy and balloons from everyone else, but I wasn’t supposed to celebrate Valentine’s Day (“a good story,” as Maz Kanata once said, “for another time”), so I couldn’t give her anything.

I’ve never really experienced it for myself, and…this year I had a thought, “What if I just buy something and write a Valentine to myself?” What if I could pretend to love myself the way I always imagined it would feel like? What would I say? I don’t know.

It’s strange that I should even have the thought, as it hasn’t mattered in all this time. Or at least I’ve done my best to ignore it, call it “Singles Awareness Day”, or something like that. I’m not alone anymore, but I still don’t get to wake up next to the person I’m sharing my life with. It’s complicated? Am I asking you, or telling you? It’s complicated. Anyway, thanks for reading.

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