Category Archives: Not Matt Damon

Not Matt Damon: The Battle of ‘Here’s Baby Too!’ Part 3 & Conclusion

[Another blow to the chest, and Emily lands on her feet. She grabs her wooden sword as Sarah backflips three times, then throws a red fabric that unravels and comes straight at Emily. Emily leaps on top of it and begins to run across it towards Sarah; she runs on top of it, then runs under it, upside down. Reaching Sarah, she raises her sword to strike, and Sarah twists the fabric, catching Emily and delivering her to the ground.]

Emily: Ughf!

[Emily rolls away just in time to avoid a deadly scratch from Sarah’s claws. Sparks appear where she was as Sarah rears back for another slash.]

Sarah: Your beloved boyfriend has already fallen, no doubt. Why fight on?

Emily: …Actually, well—first of all, he’s not my boyfriend. Secondly, you did just attack me. If you hadn’t, we wouldn’t be fighting, I guess.

Sarah: Oh? Oh. Well, then. I’ll stop fighting you. Sorry about that. You’re pretty good, with the uh, ninja thing. Who did you study under?

Emily: It was an 8-week program at a local rec center. I don’t really remember the guy’s name. You just never know when you might need ninjitsu during an early morning run.

Sarah: Yeah, I know. I spent a little time in Hong Kong, myself, learning from a retired sensei. Tell me, did they teach you any Special Moves? You know, to take down an opponent immediately?

Emily: I…don’t think the guy was licensed to teach those. I’m thinking I might try to take a course for that next sum—

Sarah [hyper punches Emily]: SILVERMA-KILL!!

[Emily blocks it just in time, her feet kicking up dust as she slides backwards.]

Emily: What are you doing?!

Sarah: Your defense is strong. But you can only block a Special Move so many times before it knocks you out. [Sarah charges at her.] SILVERMA-KILL! SILVERMA-KILL! SILVERMA-KILL! SILVERMA-[Sarah voice gets lower and slows down] KIIIILL!

[Emily gets hit at last and falls to the ground in slow motion.]


Sarah [dusting her hands off]: You aren’t equipped to beat me. Go home and practice! [Her eyes widen] CONTINUE? No? Game over, then. [Her earpiece chimes.]

Matt[‘s voice in her earpiece]: Sarah, is it done?

Sarah: Yes, it’s done.

Matt: Good. Augustus is not responding to my hails. I have Matthew in custody. Bring Emily to me, then disappear. No one must know you were here.

Sarah: Understood.

[Augustus and Chris trade blows. Fists punch through brick and wood, and make dents in metal. A tangle of bodies crashes through a door. Augustus emerges on top and throws a series of savage punches at Chris.]

Augustus: Still conscious?

Chris: So far. RAAA! [He shoves Augustus off and gets to his feet.]

Augustus [crouching in a wrestler’s stance]: So you’re not entirely soft. But taking a beating is useless without the strength to beat back!

[He throws a right hook. Chris ducks it, then counters with a gut punch. Augustus drops his elbow in a fraction of a second to block it, then gives a vicious straight jab.]

Chris: Augh! [He staggers backwards, then goes to his knees.]

Augustus [flexing his fingers]: Are you prepared to yield?

[Chris turns away, feeling beaten. Just then, a flash of lightning reveals a sledgehammer just within his reach. A glimmer of hope stirs within him, and he slowly reaches for the sledgehammer.]

Chris [feigning defeat]: Yes. I’m prepared to yield.

[Augustus narrows his eyes, wary of a surprise attack.]

Chris: But not to you!

[Chris leaps into the air, holding the sledgehammer high and bringing it down in slow motion as lightning strikes again.]


[A hand catches the sledgehammer mere inches from Augustus’ face.]

Matt: It’s over. The authorities are here. You can still walk away from this. Or better still…

[Matt pulls the hammer suddenly and hits Augustus in the head, knocking him unconscious.]

…you can join me again. You have proven your worth to me.

Chris [glances at Augustus lying on the ground, lowers the hammer]: I don’t…understand.

Matt: It was all a test, Christopher. Don’t you see? He wasn’t worthy to take your place. I’ve dealt with Matthew, and now, I’ve proven to myself that you are as loyal a man as I can find to protect me. Thank you…for all that you’ve done. Your bravery has humbled me. [Matt smiles.] Now let’s go enjoy that premiere, eh?

[Intercom Guard, now promoted to Head of Mental Hospital Security, steps into the building; several flashlights shine behind him.]

Head of Security (HOS): Not so fast. There’s a guy knocked out right there, and a guy standing right there. Now either both are Matt Damon—[shining his flashlight in Matt’s face]—or one of you is an impostor. Either way, I say you both come with me and we settle this up at the hospital. Full eval.

Matt: We could do that. But it’s unnecessary, because I’m Matt Damon. Hey, has anyone told you you look like Jonah Hill?

HOS [smiling and shaking his head]:   Uh, no, no, no. No way. I don’t look like that guy. And we’re not going to play that game. Mr. Damon, or Damensen, you’re coming with me. We have you completely surrounded and my men are trained in the deadly arts of Brazilian jiu-jitsu.

Matt: Seriously? Brazilian? Literally everyone knows that now. Come on, then. Let’s have a round.

HOS [spreads his arms to hold his men back]: No. He’s baiting us, he wants us to fight him so he can have a chance of escape.

Matt: But if I’m not Matt Damon, what are you afraid of? Matthew can’t beat twelve guards.

HOS: Wait…[his phone vibrates]…This YouTube video just went viral. An anonymous user submitted a video of a guy named Matthew Damensen…trying to replace Matt Damon. [He looks up at Matt] I am so sorry, sir. It’s a pleasure to meet you.

Matt: So you just immediately believe the Internet.

HOS: Well…no, not immediately.

Matt: Yeah, immediately. [He smiles.] Admit it, you’re an entertainment news junkie.

HOS [smiles sheepishly]: Okay, well, yeah, maybe a little bit. [He stops smiling] But my duty is clear. You’re coming with me, Matt—

[Shouting is heard behind HOS. He turns to see the source of the commotion.]

Matthew [being held just barely by four guards]: Get off me, you fools! He’s not Matt Damon! I AM! Let go of me! Get off me! Aaaargh! Matthew! Matthew, what did you do to me?

Matt [smiles in satisfaction]: Wouldn’t you like to know?

HOS: Wow. Clearly he’s not Matt Damon. That guy’s nuts. Okay guys, put him under, we’re done here. Matt’s not sick, this impostor is.

Matthew: What? No! NOOO!! This is a mistake! I’M MATT DAMON! I’M MATT DAMON, AAGH! NOOO! NOOO! [He grabs a hand trying to jab him with a needle, but finds his fingers go numb and he feels weak.]

HOS: Hold—hold him! Guys?! Hold him down! Hold him!

[A guard finally jabs Matthew in the side with a needle, and he begins to descend into unconsciousness.]

Matthew [glaring at Matt, speaks with clenched teeth]: I’m going to get you, Matthew. [He spits at Matt.] I’m going to get you… [His breathing, ragged and angry, gradually slows as he drifts into sleep.]

[Matt walks out of the building. Chris spares a final glance at where Augustus lay unconscious. Or at least…where he thought he was… He hurries to catch up to Matt.]

Matt [hurries outside—looking around, he sees Emily unconscious, slumped against the side of a building]: Emily! [He runs over to her, his eyes alert for danger.]

[Emily’s eyes open and she looks around, startled]: Matt…Is it you? Is it you, Matt?

Matt: Yes. Yes, it’s me. Matthew [his voice catches in his throat]…Matthew won’t be bothering you again. He lost touch with himself, and it…it drove him over the edge. But he’s in good hands now. He’ll get the help he needs.

Emily [tears welling up in her eyes]: I loved him. And it’s only now, looking at you, that I realize how much.

Matt: Well, I’m sorry for what he did to you, Emily. And I’m sure…that somewhere in there…he loves you, too.

Emily [putting a hand up to caress his face]: If only…he were as brave and sweet as you.

Matt [stares at her for a long time, his expression almost…a longing…]: I’ve…I’ve got to go. The press will get wind of this, and…

Emily [smiling amorously at him]: I know. I’ll…see you soon?

Matt [his smile torn between joy and hurt]: I’ll…see you soon.

[Later, as Matthew is placed in an ambulance, Chris and Matt watch. A bewildered press snaps photos incessantly.]

Chris: Such a sad man. I wonder what his life was before he ruined it so?

Matt: Well, Chris, that’s for the shrinks to decide. I only wish he’d gotten the help he needed before now.

Chris: And you? How are you?

Matt: Well, he surprised me, I’ll say that. But I’m fine. Nothing a good ice pack can’t cure.

[Chris chuckles.]

Matt: Is Emily done with the police yet? [He nods at Emily from a distance; she smiles shyly.]

Chris: She’s wrapping up, I think. … You care for her, sir. Don’t you?

Matt [his expression turning sad]: More than I thought possible. She’s…a good friend. I feel bad for her, caring for Matthew as she did. But she’ll land on her feet. I’m sure of it. [Folding his arms and turning to face Chris] So, Augustus, huh? That was…interesting. Care to tell me about it?

Chris [wistful]: An old friend…turned enemy. Nothing more to it. He seems to have disappeared in the midst of all the trouble. He hadn’t done anything wrong.

Matt: He was trying to kill you, wasn’t he?

Chris: Well…he plays a little rough. I was in no real danger.

Matt: Mm.

Chris: One question, though. … Was Matthew talking to himself, or was he calling you Matthew?

Matt [stares at Chris for a moment, camera slowly tightens on Matt’s eyes]: One can never say what’s truly going on…in a troubled mind like that. People can convince themselves of anything…[Matt’s eyes flicker…] become whatever they want…if they only believe…


Not Matt Damon, Scene V-4: The Battle of ‘Here’s Baby Too!’ Part 2

[On the rooftop…]

Emily: Hold on…someone’s here.

[Emily, wearing all black ninja gear, turns around slowly, scanning the rooftop with her eyes. She sees no one, but hears a terrible cackling, followed by a strange, guttural voice, a woman’s voice.]

Woman’s Voice: Haaaagh…

[The voice laughs again, seeming to come from everywhere. Emily draws her wooden kendo practice sword and readies herself, looking around her. She circles a chimney that bellows steam into the night, her sword held in a defensive guard. A woman’s open palm slams into her back, sending her sprawling into randomly strewn slabs of wood on the ground.]

Emily: Oof!

[She drops her sword and pulls off her hood, turning to face her attacker. Her eyes fill with realization.]

Sarah Silverman [baring her teeth in part grin, part grimace]: Hello, Sarah.
[Sarah points a sharpened claw at her.] I’ve heard so much about you. Let’s cut to the chase. You’ve come to destroy Matt Damon. I wonder if you know the lies you’ve been told? Strange that you can’t recognize that you’re helping your own ex-boyfriend.

Emily [wincing in pain as she tries to stand]: What are you talking about?

Sarah: You believe you’ve rescued Matt Damon, but you’ve only helped the very man you came here to defeat. Didn’t you wonder why he seemed to know you, at the hospital?

Emily [shaking her head]: I don’t believe you.

Sarah: You don’t sound convinced. In the end, it doesn’t matter what you believe. All that matters is who you’re aligned with. And since it’s not Matt Damon, it’s a painful doom for you. RRRAGH!

[Sarah leaps unnaturally high into the air. Emily leaps to meet her…]

[Chris exits the theater by a service door and hurries out to help Emily. He checks his phone. A blinking red dot shows Emily’s location—still on the rooftop a block away. Chris looks around. There is construction going on nearby, and tools are strewn everywhere. A plastic sheet drapes down from a scaffolding. Chris scowls, looking closer. For a moment, he imagined seeing the outline of a man hiding behind the plastic sheet…but there is nothing there. He slows down, his danger sense making hair stand up on the back of his neck. Someone was watching him. No…hunting him. He snaps his head to the right as a monstrous man barrels into him–]

Chris: Oof!

[He slams into a brick wall hard enough to damage the bricks.]


[He gets up, shaking his head to clear it, and sees a familiar face….]

St. John-Smythe…

Augustus [his fists balled]: The very same. How long has it been, Christopher? Seven, eight years? No, don’t answer. I was just a name on a dog tag to you. Wasn’t I? Or don’t you even remember? The Demilitarized Zone?

[Eight Years Before…on the South Korean border…]

Augustus: I’m scouting ahead—I don’t think this is a feint.

Chris: You’re not in command here—we should wait for orders.

Augustus: As we’ve waited for pay these last eight months? We’re not soldiers. We’re mercenaries. On our own. Answerable to the highest bidder. And right now, we don’t appear to have any bidders. In the absence of buyers, all we are is product. Goods on the market.

Chris: Wait.

[He points at a ridge ahead.] Something’s—

[Gunfire erupts around them, forcing them to fall back and find cover.]

Chris: We have to withdraw!

Augustus: I’ll cover you. Go!

[A rocket-powered grenade explodes, the force of it knocking Chris to the ground. He blinks slowly, looking around in a daze, seeing no sign of Augustus.]

Chris [in anguish]: Augustus! Augustus!

[Gunfire erupts again, forcing him to take off running, back toward base…]

[The Present]

Augustus: …I guess that’s what happens when you’re a mercenary among mercenaries. No one’s going to take a risk for you, right?

Chris: I was sure you were dead—

Augustus: Were you? I was sure I saw your boots headed away as fast as they could go. How could you be sure of anything? But you did at least warn the base, regroup with reinforcements. While I got lovely accommodations in a North Korean prison for a year. The spa treatments were actually quite good. You should visit sometime. When you’re not busy as a bodyfraud. Or do you still think you’re guarding Matt Damon? It didn’t strike you as odd that he wasn’t even a little arrogant?

Chris [looking uncertain]: He’s changed. For the better.

Augustus: Ha ha ha ha ha! You really have faith in people. Well, faith has no basis in reality—

[He throws a punch at Chris. Chris blocks it only to get a vicious backhand followed by a snap kick to the ribs.]

—and now, neither do you. Prepare to meet your unreality.

[Meanwhile, inside the theater…]

[A flurry of fists assault Matt Damon, and he blocks them with ease, then gives Matthew an elbow to the chest and an open-handed jab to the exact same spot. Matthew stumbles back, gasping for air.]

Matt [laughing like a younger man]: What did Chris do? Give you a training session? I
[he blocks another attack]
see his
in yours!

[Matt throws a contemptuous uppercut that sends Matthew flying.]

Matthew [landing hard on his back]: Ugh! [He breathes heavily, lying on the carpet.]

Matt [extending his arms wide]: Ready to quit yet? I can give you a body cast to go with that straitjacket if you want. Your choice.

Matthew [getting to his feet]: You stole my life, Matt. Is it because you don’t have one of your own?!

Matt: What, don’t you see it? I was legendary before you even saw your first patient! Matt Damon is synonymous with greatness!

Matthew: But not the man! The actor! The FRAUD!

Matt [charges at Matthew]: Arrrgh!

[He tackles Matthew, then starts pummeling him with punches.]

Matthew [catching Matt’s fist with a hand]: Does this prove you can be anyone you want?

[Matthew laughs bitterly.]

Ha! Not from here, it doesn’t. Dolph Lundgren could do this! Why don’t you go sign up for The Expendables 4? You’re an action star! Nothing more!

Matt [laughs]: Shows what you know.

[He punches Matthew with the other fist.] You think you can get in my head? Not today.

[He knocks Matthew out, then puts him over his shoulder.]

You’ve lost, Matthew. Now to gather up the rest of your merry team, and put an end to this charade.

…To Be Continued, in ‘Not Matt Damon: The Battle of ‘Here’s Baby Too!’: Part 3!

Not Matt Damon, Scene V-4: The Battle of Here’s Baby Too!, Part 1–Infiltration

[A red carpet, with the press and adoring fans cordoned off by metal fences, has posted behind it a huge billboard. ‘HERE’S BABY TOO!’ in large red letters is displayed. The picture shows a heavily Photoshopped Matt Damon smiling, a toddler sitting on his shoulders. Beside him, an equally Photoshopped Kate Hudson cradles a baby and stares at it adoringly.]

Reporter: And the stars are out tonight for this red carpet premiere of Here’s Baby Too! Fans of actor Matt Damon are particularly eager to see him make an appearance since his troubling behavior of late. We can only hope he’ll keep his act together long enough to dispel the rumors of his mental breakdown. We’ll just have to wait and see how the night develops…Oh! There’s his Hummer!

[Chris pulls up in his Hummer, wearing his shades and a black suit and tie. Matthew, disguised in a huge beard, bald cap, sunglasses, and an earpiece, gets out, looking around.]

Matthew [wincing at all the camera flashes]: Now I see why they always wear sunglasses.

Chris [speaking to his wrist]: We’re front and center. How’s the perimeter?

Emily [wearing all black ninja gear, perched on a rooftop a block away]: Quiet so far. No sign of Matthew or anyone out of place.

Chris: Copy. Check in every 60 seconds.

[Chris and Matthew walk up to the burly security guards at the theater’s entrance.]

Chris: We’re Matt Damon’s advance security team. [Handing them his ID and badge] My credentials.

Security Guard 18: Of course. Because we certainly don’t bother securing a location before we let expensive people walk in. There could be madmen swarming the theater right now. [He becomes irritated.] Anyway, my sarcasm is lost on you. This way, sir. [He puts out a hand to stop Matthew] Uh, and you are?

Chris: He’s with me.

Security Guard 18: Uh, and he is?

Chris: With me. Mr. Damon prefers that his seat be saved in advance. We are here to do that.

Security Guard 18 [folding two meaty arms]: I thought you were here to provide advance security.

Matthew [ripping off his shades and beard]: I’d really like to see my movie. Would you mind letting us in?

Security Guard 18 [eyes widening, he opens the door]: Uh, sure! Right this way! I didn’t recognize you.

[Chris and Matthew walk into the theater’s cavernous lobby.]

Chris [sighs]: That was a risky move.

Matthew: No, it wasn’t. It was bizarre. Something they’d expect of Matt Damon about now. So when the rea—the fake Matt Damon shows up in typical fashion—

Chris: They’ll think he’s Matthew. Maybe. Or they’ll think you’re the fake and come after us.

Matthew: True. I think I know how to deal with that.

Emily [on radio]: So wait, you guys didn’t have a plan? At all? Just walk up to the door and hope for the best?

Chris: Well, one of us is Matt Damon. Seemed like a pretty solid plan.

Emily: Hold on. Someone’s here.

Matthew: Emily, hold on. I’m coming up there.

Chris [quietly]: Matt, we can’t. Any deviation from our plan—

Matthew: We have no plan, remember?

Chris: If we leave now, we introduce all manner of variables. Not the least of which is the impending arrival of the imposter Matt Damon. Emily—

Matthew: –is my friend.

Chris: I understand. I’ll go. I’ll make sure she’s alright. Stay here, play along as well as you can.

Matthew: And if…he shows up?

Chris: Bring the hammer down, just like I showed you. [He smiles.] You can do it. You’ve earned your way here, Matt. I’ll see you in a few.

[Chris goes back out. Matthew looks around, then goes into the theater. He finds it empty, with no one occupying the seats…but a man in a dark suit stands in front of the movie screen, his back turned.]

Matthew [feeling a growing sense of dread]: Hello?

[Matt Damon turns around, his face gleaming with the mirth of a predator.]

Matt: Well met at last. It’s a testimony to your strength of character that you made it this far, Matthew. But it’s over now. You must know that. No matter what you have done in the last two weeks, you are in no position to challenge me.

Matthew [approaching Matt slowly]: Why are you doing all this? You have everything anyone could want. I’ve read up on you. Award-winning screenwriter, philanthropist, star on the Walk of Fame, beautiful family—why would you do this? Do you think you’ll be loved by everyone after they find out you tried to steal a man’s life?

Matt: Even if you thought to bring a tape recorder or a hidden camera, no one would even believe it. Remember? I was hospitalized. You got obsessed with me, and you put me there. Almost ruined my life. You’re a sick man. A criminal—


Matt: No. According to the video you made—now safely in the hands of the authorities who are already en route—you are. You’re running out of time, Matthew. And you made a mistake coming here. Sooner or later, we all pay for our mistakes.

..To be continued, in ‘The Battle of Here’s Baby Too–Part 2’!

Not Matt Damon, Scene V-3: Premiere Preparations

(This episode’s guest-star: Tom Hardy as “Augustus St. John-Smythe”.)

[Fists and feet hammer Augustus St. John-Smythe until his black gloved hand drops to one knee.]

Augustus: I yield.

Matt: You were beaten before then. But you have some skill. You should be the perfect countermeasure to my former guard.

Augustus: Are you certain he’ll be there?

Matt: It’s his best chance. They’ll all be there.

Augustus: And the woman? Emily? What of her?

Matt: Oh, I’ve got something special planned for her, something she asked for.

Augustus: And this Matthew…he’s a bit of a wild card. No physical skill, but he is a man of the mind. He could be more dangerous than we know.

Matt: I’ll deal with Matthew myself. I’ve already gotten in his head. He’s obsessed with me. So thoroughly empty and unfulfilled in his own life that he has to escape it. His mistake. He’s escaping into my world, you see. A world I control. Tragically, he will learn at the end that there is no escape from Matt Damon. A brazen, public attempt on my life will be thwarted, Matthew will be returned to his insane asylum, and I will emerge looking like the second coming of Robert Downey, Jr.

Augustus: And Matthew Damensen will be destroyed.

Matt: Mm hmm.

Augustus: I’m sorry, I’m just wondering what this accomplishes for you. I mean, you’re already wealthy, well-respected. A legend, some would say.

Matt: Some?

Augustus: Well, let’s be honest here, you’re no Tom Hardy.

Matt: Seriously? Praetor Shinzon? Bane? Eames from ‘Inception’? You’re comparing Tom Hardy to me?

Augustus: Not really. It’d be like apples to apple juice. One’s just not as tough as the other.

Matt: I’m not paying you for your opinion.

Augustus [with just a hint of menace on his face]: Did I get in your head there? My mistake. We all have our insecurities. [He walks up to a speed bag and starts hitting it.]

[Matt throws a towel on the floor and stalks out of the room.]

[Meanwhile, at Chris Helmsley’s gym….]

[Matthew gets thrown to the mat, his breath leaving him.]

Matthew: Oof!

Chris: Come on, Matt! What did they do to you at that place? It’s as if you can no longer fight at all!

Matthew [gasping]: Uh…Let’s…go again…

Chris [offering his hand to Matthew]: Alright. Best ten out of twelve, then?

[A training montage begins, with Matthew jumping rope, attacking a speed bag, battling Chris with two swords, then a quarterstaff, then a sledgehammer. Chris clips him with his own hammer.]

[Chris trains him on sledgehammer technique.]

Chris: One! Up! Hammer down! One! Up! Hammer down!

[Matthew unleashes a series of attacks with the quarterstaff, knocking Chris’ staff out of his hands and sweeping his legs out from under him. Matthew then does a cool action movie pose.]

Chris [breathing hard]: Excellent work, sir! You’ve got it back now! Now fight harder!

[Matthew jumps rope again, then stops, wraps the jump rope around Chris’ hammer as he swings it, then hurls it into the wall. Again they battle with dual swords, and Matthew knocks both blades out of Chris’ hands.]

Chris: Ha! Good! Is that all? Or is there more?!

[Matthew battles Chris with the quarterstaff, disarms him. Chris grabs the quarterstaff, and Matthew does an upward kick that sends him into a flip, and he lands perfectly. Chris hits the mat, blinking away stars.]

Chris: Alright…that’s the Matt I remember…

[Matthew smiles, reaching a hand down to help Chris up.]

Chris: I may have a concussion. But now you are ready. Now you truly are Matt Damon.

[They look at the entrance of the gym. Emily drops to the ground, wearing an all-black ninja outfit.]

Chris: Wha–? How long have you been up there?

Emily: Long enough.

Matthew: Since when are you a ninja?

Emily: It’s just gymnastics, weapons training and martial arts. Big deal. … I’m coming with you.

Chris: Well, no one said otherwise. But you don’t have to fight.

Emily: Matthew is too powerful now for even the two of you to take on alone.

Matthew [barely concealing a smirk]: I’m sure he’d love to hear you say that. No doubt he is mad with power. But we’ll put an end to this. [He puts out his hand.] Together.

[They all put their hands on top of each other’s.]

Chris [smiling]: Together.

Emily [nodding once]: Together.

(…Next time: The finale of Not Matt Damon begins with The Battle of Here’s Baby Too–Part 1!)

Not Matt Damon, Scene V-2: The Interrogation—Mental Hospital, Cafeteria

[Seven security guards flank Dr. Ben Affledge, who is seated in a slumped position. Jason Botmin throws a bucket of water on him. Ben jumps to awareness and a security guard grabs his shoulder and slams him back into the chair.]

Jason [smiling]: Wakey, wakey. Did you have a nice fire drill? You really should check the schedule before you plot to break out one of your celebrity clients. You hack.

Ben: What the shell are you doing to me?

Jason: I’m conducting an investigation.

Ben: Into what? Somebody escaped?

[Jason slaps him. Ben tries to get up, and three guards hold him in the chair.]

Ben: You son of a dish!

Jason: What would that make me—a bowl? Benyamin, you’re in serious trouble. You see, Matt Damon, your patient? He seems to have escaped. Want to know how he did it? No, probably not, right? I don’t need to tell you. Because you already know, don’t you? The problem is, I can’t even verify it, because all the security cameras seem to be out. Huh. Now how did that happen at the same time one of our patients escaped?

Ben: I don’t know. I don’t know what happened.

[Jason slaps him again.]

Jason: That’s the first lie. Want to see what happens when you try lying some more?

Ben: What, are you going to torture me?

Jason: Torture? No. Nope. Just a bit of workplace harassment, that’s all. Consider this part of your exit interview. I’ll be sure to give a good reference to your celebrity friends.

Ben: What is this all about? I blacked out during the fire drill.

Jason: YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS ABOUT! THE SODA GUY! I found you in a pool of your own soda! You let the soda guy in, Matt Damon disappears, and the soda truck is the only way he could have escaped!

Ben [scoffs]: Are you sure? There are lot of other holes in your security here. Who’s to say he didn’t dig a tunnel with a rubber spork?

Jason [turns away, his hands on his hips]: So this is all a game, huh?

Ben: Yup. [He smiles] And the best man won.

Jason [turns around, stalks up to Ben and grabs his shirt]: You..are…fired, Dr. Affledge. But this doesn’t have to get any uglier.

Intercom Guard: Sir! This just came up on Twitter. [He looks from his phone to Jason with concern.] Matt Damon just had a press conference.

Jason [rubs his face with both hands]: Did he mention his escape? Anything that might give us away?

Intercom Guard: There is some risk, sir, but he was non-specific. We should be clean here.

Jason: I’m putting you in charge of a special team I’m preparing. Their mission will be to find Matt Damon and bring him into custody. Quietly.

Intercom Guard: Sir, it’s going to look like a kidnapping. We can’t just…

Jason [sighs]: I know. But we’ll have to find a way.

Not Matt Damon, Scene V-1: The Press Conference

Scene V-1: The Press Conference

[Matt Damon stands before several microphones attached to a podium. A seemingly endless multitude of cameras flash.]

Matt: I appreciate your attention. I know many of you have been gravely concerned about me and the strange reports you have no doubt been hearing.

[Meanwhile, at Chris Helmsley’s home….]

Chris [swiping at a tablet]: Something has come across my new Twitter feed. Matt! The television! You have to see this!

[Matthew and Emily emerge from separate rooms and enter the living room. Matthew turns on the TV.]

Matthew [looking at Matt Damon on TV]: This isn’t good.

Chris: I fear our plans to stop Matthew have become much more complicated. If he mentions anything of what happened today…

Matt [on TV]: …been hearing. I would like to set the record straight as much as possible. I very briefly spent time at a mental institution. There, I received the best of care and rediscovered myself. Unfortunately, not everyone there had my best interests at heart, so I decided to pursue my career once again and fulfill all the various obligations I have made with Universal Studios and Warner Bros. Pictures. I have kept a low profile and have completed my part in my upcoming film, Here’s Baby Too. I look forward to seeing you all at the premiere in two weeks. [He talks over the reporters’ shouting] Thank you.
[Matt walks away from the podium, reporters shouting after him.]

[Moments later, Chris’ phone rings.]

Chris: Hello?

Matt: Hello, Chris. How’ve you been?

Chris [standing up, enraged]: Matthew! Your madness will end soon!

Matt [laughing]: Pathetic. But then, you always were weak. Choosing that imposter over me? Oh, yeah, you’re definitely fired. Don’t worry, your severance check is in the mail. What, you think I didn’t know you were watching me? You really thought you were the only one? Tut tut, Christopher. There’ll be others who will treat you better than I did. In the meantime, at least I can savor your pain. All that effort you put in to rescue a shell of a man who isn’t even really Matt Damon.

Chris: You’re lying. I saw you! You told them you weren’t Matt Damon! Those reporters! Gerard Butler!

Matt: And you believed it. Some people hear what they want to hear. I must have been insufferable for a noble man like you.

Chris: You’re not even Matt Damon. This is some fake persona you’ve cooked up in your head!

Matt [chuckles softly]: You’re just too much fun. Not even a real challenge. So where is the uh, “real” Matt Damon? Would you put him on the phone for me? Oh, yes. I know he’s there in your little hovel.

Chris: I shouldn’t give you the pleasure. You did all this so you could be him.

Matt: Shouldn’t…but will.

[Chris locks eyes with Matthew. He hands over the phone.]

Chris: It’s for you.

Matthew [reaches for the phone, caught between fear and rage, his voice raw]: I’m here.

Matt: So you’ve managed to escape. It’s criminal I didn’t break you myself before locking you in that loony bin.

Matthew: You are a criminal.

Matt: “You are a criminal, Matt.” Why won’t you say my name? I wonder if your so-called rescuers would react the same if they knew the truth? Oh, and I saw your video, Matthew. You were right, you should have burned that camera. Disturbing stuff, there. It would be an absolute tragedy if that video made its way to all the reporters who can’t stop following me around. Or to Emily. Or to the police. Heh. Or maybe we should just skip it all and go for broke, put it on YouTube. Ooh. You really are at a severe disadvantage. You see, first, I’m Matt Damon. Second, your only allies are people who mistakenly believe you are. Take that away, and you’re back in a straitjacket. So what’s your play, Matthew?

Matthew: If I told you that, I’d be stupid. Like you. [He throws the cell phone at the wall in rage.] Chris, let’s get this son of a dish.

Chris [smiling]: I thought you’d never ask. [He stops smiling] Also, you could have just hung up, you know. I had a lot of contacts in that phone, I hope it’s not broken. [He gets up to look for phone.] Did it…go behind the entertainment center?

Not Matt Damon, Scene U-10: Clean Getaway

[The Cola truck pulls into a large garage. A man wearing a hat pulled down over his eyes walks up. Chris gets out of the truck and starts taking off the Cola uniform.]

Chris: Thank you.

Mystery Man: We’re even now, so no gratitude required. Did you get him out?

Chris: I did. No casualties.

Mystery Man: Good.

Chris: But…the driver is still out in the back. I marked the spot where I neutralized him. [Chris hands the man a folded map.]

Mystery Man: Alright, let’s get Matt out. Then I’ll go.

[They go to the back of the truck, open it, then climb into the trailer. They open the soda machine, and Matthew and Emily climb out.]

Mystery Man: Here. [He throws some clothes to Matthew.] Won’t do to have you wearing a soda uniform. [Looks at Emily] And I take it you’re the wild card here. Nice work.

Emily: Thanks. [Looks at him closer] Wait, are you—

Chris: The less you know, the better.

[Mystery Man gets in the truck, starts it, and drives off.]

Chris: Let’s get out of here. We’ll go to my safe house. From there, we can make a plan to deal with Matthew Damensen once and for all.

[Matthew, dressed now in a blue shirt and khakis, swallows hard, looking awkward.]

Matthew: Uh, maybe we should…go to his place. See if he left any clues behind as to his next move.

Chris: No. He could return there at any time. It would be too dangerous. To put a stop to this madness, we need to do it publicly. Matthew won’t be able to resist maintaining the Matt Damon persona, so he’ll have to show up at a major event.

Emily: So does he have any movies out soon? Award shows?

Chris: Hmm. … There’s the Here’s Baby Too premiere in two weeks. That should give us more time to prepare. [He looks at Matthew.] I can get you into the premiere, but after that, you’ll go it alone. Only you can stop Matthew from stealing your life. This is your battle. I cannot interfere.

Matthew: Well, what do you want me to do, arrest him? I’m not a cop. Who’s even going to believe this story? It’s crazy enough to land us all in an asylum.

Chris: I know. But I heard it said once that you never know what a man is like until you fight him. If I’m right, Matthew will have had no combat training. That should give you the advantage.

Matthew [looks around, feeling awkward again]: Right. Good point. So then why do we need to prepare?

Chris: Because I could be wrong. We don’t know how long he’s been planning this or what skills he may have acquired along the way.

Matthew: Not as many as you’d think. I mean, odds are he’s just trading on his looks and maybe can’t fight any better than a guy who just watches fights on TV.

[Chris and Emily look at Matthew. Matthew feels even more uncomfortable.]

Matthew: It’s just a hunch. I don’t know. Either way, I guess it’s back to the gym for me, huh?

Chris: Matt…[shakes his head in dismay] what have they done to you?

Matthew: What? What do you mean?

Chris: The gym? A public gym?

Matthew [about to nod in realization, he stops himself]: What? No. I wouldn’t be caught dead in there. It’s…been awhile? Since I’ve seen your gym, Chris? Too long, really. I feel out of shape. Maybe we can get in a few practice rounds before the big day, eh?

Chris [becoming emotional]: I thought you’d never ask, sir. Thank you. May I…may I have a hug, sir?

Matthew [frowning]: What? No. No. Too far.

Not Matt Damon, Scene U-9: The Rescue of ‘Matt Damon’

[A Generic Cola truck drives down the street, then pulls to a stop. The driver lowers the ramp on the back of the truck. As he opens the truck, Chris appears beside him, puts a hand over his mouth, and injects him with a needle. The driver falls limp, and Chris hauls him into the truck bed, closing the door behind himself. Moments later, the door opens, and Chris is attempting to wear the driver’s uniform; it is clearly too small. Emily, who has been watching the street from afar, now hurries up.]

Emily [seeing how tight Chris’ uniform is]: Wow. This is not going to work.

Chris: Of course it will. No soda company will pay for a uniform that’s above a Large. It’s standard procedure. I’ll see you in there. Are you ready?

Emily [taking a deep breath]: Yes.

Chris: Let’s go. And remember, if it looks bad, just walk away. This will be our only chance if we draw any suspicion at all.

[Emily walks up to the gate of the hospital and rings the bell.]

Intercom: May I help you?

Emily: Uh, yes. I’m here to visit a patient, Mr. Matt Damon?

Intercom: And your name?

Emily: My name? Uh, Sarah Silverman.

Intercom: Relationship to the patient?

Emily: Significant other. Uh, girlfriend.

Intercom: You look very different from your YouTube video, Ms. Silverman. I also remember you quite well from your cameo on the TV show Monk. Would you be able to sing the song from that episode for me, as verification?

Emily: Excuse me, is this for you personally, or do you normally request songs from visitors? May I speak to a supervisor?

Intercom: You’re not Sarah Silverman.

Voice of Dr. Ben Affledge [in background]: What’s going on here? Is that the soda guy?

Intercom [muffled]: No sir—

Ben: No, “Doctor”.

Intercom: No, Doctor. Some woman wanting to see Matt Damon, claims she’s Sarah Silverman, but she’s not, sir. I know she’s not.

Ben: I think she knows that, too. If you were privileged to specific information about the patient, you would understand, but this is above your pay grade. I’ll authorize the visit. Let her in.

Intercom: Sir—Doctor—shouldn’t we clear it with Dr. Botmin—

Ben: Dr. Botmin is not here right now, and I have the authority to grant her access. Would you like me to call him, interrupt his session and inform him you are denying one of our patients his right to visitors?

Intercom: No, Doctor.

Ben: Open the gate. Open the gate!

[The gates open, and Emily walks in. The Cola truck drives up and stops near the gate. Chris gets out and rings the bell.]

Intercom [sounding annoyed]: May I help you?

Chris [putting on a Southern accent]: Ah, yeeuh, eye got uh soder merchine ohder, ovahnight dehlivery. Can y’all open up and let me drive it up to the door? My back is killin’ me today. This is the third merchine done broke this week. Eye mean, how hard is it? Pert in de doller, press de butt’n. Soder out de mouth, soder in de mouth.

Intercom: [sigh] You done?

Chris: Not yit! I’m waiting fer you to open dis here gate so I kin git done!

Intercom: Name on the invoice?

Chris: Pardon?

Intercom: Is there a name, on the invoice? Who placed the order?

Ben [again in background]: Is that the soda guy? I mean, do I have to do your job for you? I’m getting sick and tired of the incompetence around here! [On intercom:] Bring it right up to the door, I’ll meet you. Hurry up, I’ve got a 2:00 to make. [In background again:] You really are an idiot, you know that? … Well I have to ride you about it or nothing’ll get done!

Chris: Thank y’suh.

[Gate opens, and Chris gets into the truck, laughing to himself, and drives up the long driveway. He slowly passes Emily as she walks up. She looks nervous. Chris looks over at her as he passes.]

Chris [nodding curtly]: Ma’am.

[Emily reaches the door as Chris is hauling the soda machine out of the truck on a cart. Ben meets them at the front doors.]

Ben: Sarah? Let me get you signed in, this way to the front desk. Wait there for me, I’ll be with you in a minute. Soda guy? Follow me.

[Chris and Ben walk briskly through the corridors.]

Ben: Careful around those corners.

Chris: Yessuh.

Ben: It’s “Doctor”, actually.

Chris: A man o’ learnin’. [Grunts] I do admiah that.

[They reach the soda machine.]

Ben: Alright, here it is. You going to be alright here?

Chris: Yes, Doctah.

Ben: My name is Dr. Affledge. If anyone gives you trouble, just have them page me.

Chris: Thank you, kindly.

[Chris proceeds to hastily unplug the soda machine, then set up the new one. He begins whistling the theme from ‘Marvel’s The Avengers’.]

Chris [to himself]: Almost time.

[Meanwhile, in the Cafeteria…

[Matthew sits calmly, but within he is troubled at the news of receiving a visitor. He knows the visitor must be here to see Matt Damon, not him. Emily walks in, fear and concern dueling for control of her face. Ben is already standing in the room, arms folded.]

Matthew [standing]: Emily? Emily!

Emily [frowning]: You know me?

[Matthew instantly realizes his mistake—she must think he is Matt Damon. But why would she be here to see the real Matt Damon?]

Matthew: I’m sorry—you just…look like someone I once knew. Have we met before?

Ben: So she’s Emily? Not Sarah? Matt, are you sure you remember her as Emily, and not Sarah?

[Emily swallows hard, her expression tense.]

Matthew: I’ve been—you know my memory has been spotty.

Ben: I’m not so sure, Matt. Or is it still Matthew?

Emily [looking at Ben, eyes widened]: What?

[The fire alarm goes off.]

Ben: Ugh, what, now a fire drill? We have to go, guys. Come on. Head to the exit!

Emily [walks up to Matthew as he stands]: I’m here to get you out, Matt. Do as I say.

Ben: Come on!

[Ben takes Matthew’s arm and the trio races down the hallway. They reach the nearby soda machines where Chris continues to work, indifferent to the noise of the alarms.]

Ben: Hey! Soda guy! That’s the fire alarm! Everybody has to leave!

[Ben puts a hand to the back of his neck, then slumps forward. Matthew catches him. Chris steps forward, and helps pull Ben over to the wall. He then opens a soda can and pours it out on the floor and on Ben’s shoes.]

Emily [putting a cover back on a syringe and hiding it in her pocket]: Will he be okay?

Chris: Yes. Matt! This way! Emily!

[Chris opens the old vending machine and Matthew and Emily climb inside. The false soda shelf closes behind them. Chris closes the vending machine and begins wheeling it away. Without incident, he gets the machine to the exit and loads it into the truck. He gets into the truck and drives away slowly, checking his side-view mirrors. The large front lawn is crowded with patients, doctors, and security guards. Chris swallows and tries to project total indifference as he continues to drive.]

[Dr. Jason Botmin watches as the Cola truck drives past. He checks off his list of names on the clipboard.]

Jason: I’ve got everyone on my list. Did we get everybody out?

Security Guard 7: Everyone…except…[flipping pages]…I don’t see Dr. Affledge out here.

Jason [again looking at the Cola truck as it nears the exit]: Hmm. Could be nothing. He typically breaks protocol twice a day. But send three guards in to check. Wait! Is Matt Damon out here?

Security Guard 7: Let me see…uh…no, sir. [Looks up at Jason] He’s the only other name unaccounted for. Dr. Affledge was escorting a guest to see him, sir, a…Sarah Silverman. Our desk team didn’t buy it, but Dr. Affledge insisted she be brought in.

Jason [frowning]: Has she come back out? [Grabs walkie-talkie]
Security teams Vega and Dhalsim, go back inside and sweep the north hallway up to and including the cafeteria, leave five of your team at the front door.

Security Guard 7: Sir, should we lock down?

Jason: Post more guards at the exit, and be ready to lock down the second I give the order.

Security Guard 7: Sir.

Walkie Talkie: This is Security Team Vega. Dr. Affledge is unconscious here in the hallway.

Jason: LOCK DOWN! NOW! Team Vega, is there a guy in a soda uniform anywhere around?

Vega Leader: No, sir—looks like someone spilled soda and Dr. Affledge must have slipped and fell.

Jason: That’s not coincidence! [Runs towards the entrance gate waving his hands] HEEY!! STOP THAT TRUUUCK!

Gate Security [on walkie]: Sir, the truck’s already gone. It had the same guy who came in, nothing seemed out of place.

Jason [on walkie]: Matt Damon! Is there any sign of him?

Walkie: This is Dhalsim Leader—no sign of him. [static] Team Vega—no one here but the Dr. He seems to be okay. No head trauma I can see. I’m not so sure he fell.

Jason: That’s because he didn’t fall, someone wanted it to look that way! [puts down the walkie talkie] What is going on? [Presses walkie button] Gate Security, contact the authorities and let them know we believe someone has—

Gate Security: Sir?

Jason: Belay that. [To himself:] If they find out Matt Damon escaped this place, we’ll never live it down. And…something doesn’t add up. [Presses walkie]: Seven?

Security Guard 7: This is me.

Jason: Did our desk team allow Dr. Affledge to—wait. The soda guy. [Grinds his teeth in rage] Of course. Teams Vega and Dhalsim, take Dr. Affledge to the cafeteria and hold him there until I arrive. AND TURN OFF THAT FIRE ALARM!

Vega Leader: Yes, sir.

Not Matt Damon, Scene U-8: Plan of Escape, Inside Chris Helmsley’s Hummer

[A design schematic of the hospital is displayed on the half-meter touch screen on the console inside the vehicle. Chris and Emily stare at it intently.]

Chris: The hospital is actually easier to escape than to approach without authorization.  The only way in is to be a patient, a relative of a patient, a member of the staff…

Emily: …Someone who’s supposed to be inside.

Chris: Right.  Unless…there were some set of circumstances that would require outside help.  Some kind of maintenance problem.  But most things like that are obvious targets, too hard to sabotage without raising an alarm.  Since that last incident, security has gotten much tighter.  I couldn’t handle that number of guards without having to do serious damage.  No, we need a more subtle hand.  You see, there’s always something that can easily break.

Emily: Like what?  A computer?

Chris: Simpler than that.  I’ve already got a plan in motion.

Emily: You have someone on the inside?

Chris [his expression turning cold all of a sudden]: No.

Emily [frowning]: What’s wrong?

Chris: It’s just…maybe you shouldn’t be involved in this.

Emily: Justice has to be done here.  I’ll do whatever it takes.  I don’t need to know anything more than you need me to know.  Let’s get Matt and get out.

Chris: Right.  Here’s what we need to do.  [Aside]  I’m going to break the fourth wall here and say that I really enjoy moments like this.  Because the audience doesn’t know the plan.  They get surprised, but I’m sure they want to know beforehand what the plan is.  I mean, it must be torture for you right now, I bet you’re dying to know just how clever this plan is going to be.  [Laughs heartily]  Well, I’m not going to tell you.

Emily: What are you doing?  Are you talking to someone?  Wait—is this a movie?

Chris: What?  Of course not.  Just…alright.  Yes.  Yes, it’s a movie.  But don’t tell anyone.  Especially Matt—he’ll kill me.


[At the Mental Hospital…]

[Ben puts a dollar into the soda machine and repeatedly presses the Generic, No-Name Cola button, because really, aren’t we all tired of shameless product placement in the middle of a movie? Besides, we’ll just knock him through a 7-Eleven later if we want to add some humor.  Maybe they’ll have a “Matt Damon Mountain Dew” Slurpee.  I’m totally ruining this scene, aren’t I?]

Ben: Huh.  That’s odd.  Hey, Dr. Botmin?

Jason [walking by briskly, suddenly stops]: Yeah?

Ben: Are you having trouble with this soda machine?

Jason: Uh, no, not lately.

Ben [pressing the button]: It just took my dollar and it’s not [pressing button again] giving me a soda.

Jason: Maybe it’s out of cola.

Ben [sounding irritated]: It’s not out of cola.  The guy just refilled it like, two days ago.

Jason: Interesting that you noticed that.

Ben: Interesting?

Jason: It’s just…usually people don’t remember stuff like that.  Especially when they’re busy damaging my patients.

Ben [frowning]: Excuse me?

Jason: Joe Koblinzski.  Did you set him off over that Matt Damon thing?

Ben: He was talking to Matt Damon.  I think that counts as setting himself off, Doctor.

Jason: I just want to put you on notice, Benjamin.  You may think you have special privileges because you’re here specifically for Matt Damon, but that’s not carte blanche for abusing my patients, do you understand?

Ben: Maybe you should keep your patients on a tighter leash, Jason.  And it’s Benyamin, by the way.  Also, there’s a “Doctor” in front of that.  If a man spends as long as we spent earning that title, we’ve earned the right to punch people in the face for not using it.  Am I right, Jason?

Jason [tense]: What?  [scoffs]  You’re not going to punch me in the face, are you?

Ben [smiling]: Of course not, Dr. Botmin.  I just want to put you on notice.  [He stops smiling.]  Don’t get in my face again.  And keep your patients away from my patients.  Like common sense would dictate when my patient is Matt Damon and your patient thinks he is.

[He kicks soda machine, orange soda falls out. Ben grabs the orange soda, opens it and takes a drink.]

Ben: I’m going to have them replace this machine.  [He walks away.]  When I want a cola, I don’t want orange soda!

[Jason frowns at the soda machine, then puts his hands on his hips, shakes his head, and walks away.]

Not Matt Damon, Scene U-7: Matthew’s Room at Hospital, Session #4

Ben: Mr. Damon, how are you today?

Matthew: …Fine.

Ben: So you’re okay with me calling you Mr. Damon?

Matthew: At this point, Doctor, clearly that’s the only option.

Ben: Matt, I can’t force you to be Matt Damon. You have to actually want that for yourself. I can only do so much of the work here, Matt. You have to understand that.

Matthew (sighing): I understand.

Ben: You know what baffles me, in all of this? No one has come to inquire about you—not the press, no other celebrities, no one. It’s like no one knows you’re here—or no one cares.

Matthew: Well, Matt Damon isn’t exactly the kind of guy people like, now, is he?

Ben: Oh, come on, no need for the self-pity, Matt. We’ll need to work on that. But…I almost don’t want to say this, but I’m beginning to wonder if the story about you being Matthew might be true.

Matthew: Right. What is it, April 1st? Some kind of April Fools joke or something?

Ben: Well, it is coincidentally April 1st. But I’m not joking. You see, I looked up some celebrity news recently and there are reports that you’ve been seen going for a run at Magruder Park. The story goes that there were no pictures because, apparently, Gerard Butler showed up and confiscated the reporters’ cameras and cell phones. There’s no proof beyond the report, but…they say he looked just like you.

Matthew [looking hopeful]: And?

Ben: Well, there’s a problem. You see, this man denied that he was Matt Damon, although he appears to have fooled Gerard Butler. But then, how hard could that be?

Matthew: I wouldn’t know.

Ben: It’s beside the point anyway, and it was rhetorical. The point is, there is at least some truth to your story, and this may well prove it. There is someone out there who looks just like you. Given that that’s the case, it is at least possible he could try to assume your identity.

Matthew: Exactly.

Ben: But he didn’t. He didn’t, Matt. In fact, this guy claimed his name was—according to Gerard Butler—Matthew Damensen. The same name you claim to have. To my surprise, this Matthew actually works here at this hospital, but he’s been on leave for awhile. What a strange coincidence. Do you know what this means for you, though?

Matthew: What?

Ben: That the more likely possibility is that you are Matt Damon, and he is Matthew Damensen. Clearly, you can’t have escaped this hospital, and I’m pretty sure Matthew lacks the skill in hand-to-hand combat to take out four security guards.

Matthew [scoffs]: Matt Damon is an actor! He’s not Jason Bourne! He’s not “SuperStu”! It’s all stunt work, choreographed so no one gets hurt!

Ben: Well, a lot’s been said about you, Matt, but I’m surprised at your modesty. I really am.

Matthew: D—Are you delusional? What, do you think movies are real?!

Ben: Of course they’re real. They’re sold in stores all over the world. So now you think movies aren’t real.

Matthew: That’s not what I meant! You know that’s not what I meant!

Ben: Then why did you say it? Matt, there’s a reason you’re sitting there and I’m sitting here. Now how you got fixated on this Matthew person, I don’t know. That’s a mystery. But at least you’re in a place where you can get some help.

[Matthew starts breathing heavily, enraged.]

Ben: If I had to guess? The fame finally got to you. The cameras in your face all the time, the gold-digging supermodels hovering around—not that all supermodels are like that, but surely at least they’ve got daddy issues. How’s your wife, by the way? Did you want to call her or anything? Anyway, you want a break from all that. You want a normal job, a normal, ordinary-looking wife or girlfriend, normal friends you didn’t meet at some fancy party. You just want to be that kid who didn’t co-write Good Will Hunting and didn’t steal from Andy Garcia’s casino. Am I hitting close to the mark yet?

Matthew [starting to cry]: I was wrong. I shouldn’t have told you I wanted to be Matt Damon, because I don’t. I can’t be him. Why won’t you believe I’m not Matt Damon? Why? That’s why he did this to me. That’s why. And now I’m stuck here, because he didn’t just retire and go somewhere. He’s sick, Ben. He’s sick. You’ve got to help him.

Ben: And we will, Matt. We’ll find him. And we’ll help him. I feel like you’re ready now, to accept the help. This has been a really good session, Matt. I know it feels like pain now, but that pain is progress. [He smiles compassionately.] We’re done for today, Matt. Take it easy.