The Shipwreck

They say I’m still young
But I don’t feel young
It’s getting real, son
Like a last meal from
Time as a thief
‘Cause it likes to steal from
Every soul that’s passed on
Or breathes on
Got limps and crow’s feet
And back pain
The ship is sinking
Sort of like the rap game
Switched the blinkers
But it’s still like the fast lane
What was I thinking when
I chose this path again?
And nothing gaining on me
But the bills
And the LDL
It closes for the kill
Dreamlike in life
I can’t feel
But the sadness
That much, it tells me it’s real
Still shocked emotions
Can’t deal
Drawing in breath
Is losing its appeal

Having dreams at night
During his birthday
Didn’t even ask my wife
About the cupcakes
And there I held him
It felt like reality
And then it all fell away
With a finality
And he was eight hundred miles
Away again
And I was there alone
Within the same bed
That I shared with his mama
The heartbreak truce descended
Into war
And she retreats
But she still won’t surrender
Even in my dreams
My brain still defends her
I was a hero
And a hypocrite
Made a vow to love
And I let it get diffident
I don’t know
What’s ahead
Three more years
Or three minutes till I’m dead
Does it matter
‘Cause it’s been said–
The corner of a roof
Or a bad life instead?

Is it worthless
Here without purpose?
Might be those who would say
That I deserve this
In two weeks
I look at the sheets
Do I go to court
And fight to be released
From a marriage?
Horse but no carriage
None of the perks
But still it won’t perish
How do you cut loose
Someone you cherish?
Sinking in the ship
And feeling quite embarrassed
Put my captain’s hat
Under my arm
Don’t even shed a tear
Or be alarmed
‘Cause I built it with
Shoddy materials
Not enough truth
And too much mysterious
I know I can’t breathe
But air doesn’t much reduce
My disorder
The acrid odor
Of smoke and fire
As I ponder what more
Could have been required

Is this what needs
To be done?
Words on a paper
So we could be one
All of that is
Simply undone
With more words worse
Than what we’ve become
I feel scared
Unable to bear it
I could print it out
But then I’d just tear it
The truth is
I wanted to die
But in spite of this
I fought for your side
Too much of me
I did hide
But I couldn’t leave
Even if I’d tried
I would
Implode for you
With all that I suffered
I think I was going to
But if I died
I would die fighting
Staring at a white flag
As of this writing
‘Cause you gave our love
The seppuku
Killed it
Left for dead because you choose to
Run away
Easier to face yourself
When you can move and then
Just replace yourself
Or was it me
That you wanted to replace?
I’ve still got stuff of yours
Up in the place
A lesser man or better man
Would chase
But I know when I’m not wanted
I can’t escape it
Time to sign
And divide our lives
But it feels like deciding
About how to die
I didn’t choose this
It was made for me
Married, a dad, divorced
Before forty?
Can I last through
The final stage?
Every level ground is uphill
At my age
But they tell me
I’m still young–
Just means there’s more parts left
Of me to kill from





Black Friday

I’m a husband and father
Only son and stepdaughter
Let me tell you the tale
Like a lamb to the slaughter
Then betrayed and forgotten
Yet I feel like I failed
She says no one will blame me
I don’t think she can see
That the mirror, it does
I had all the proof then
Of all that she was doing
And I still held my tongue
Now our marriage is ruined
And now I feel foolish
She was seeing someone

Let me tell you the deal and
It’s half off for my feelings
What a sale I have found
When the truth was revealed then
Everything became real
Are you happier now?

I saw things in the browser
And the warning came louder
When you went for a walk
And it lasted an hour
But still I was a coward
And we never did talk
You weren’t wearing your ring and
I just didn’t believe that
You would lie to me so
Our love died at the scene and
You were still acting mean
You’d decided to go
You could probably see it
Bloated there in a stream
Did you strangle it, though?

Let me tell you the deal and
It’s half off for my feelings
What a sale I have found
When the truth was revealed then
Everything became real
Are you happier now?

Now it’s three-quarters off and
Did you solve any problems?
Glad I kept the receipt
‘Cause I’m taking you back and
Paying for it, at that
Because you chose to leave
What a buyer’s remorse that
Our love became a war
And you stabbed me at last
I can’t take anymore and
You surrendered before
I could raise up a flag
But then I look at the price tag
We destroyed what we had
There can be no return
And yet you were my wife and
Here we had a good life
Now I’m watching it burn
And my tears are like fire
Was all of this required?
Was it worth it for you?
I would call you a liar
But I live the reminder
That’s enough of the truth
That this is what you do
To people who love you

Let me tell you the deal and
It’s half off for my feelings
What a sale I have found
When the truth was revealed then
Everything became real
Are you happier now?

Alone here in a crowd

Where love is not allowed


I have been thinking of writing a song with this title for awhile, because she left the day after Thanksgiving (14 months ago), often known around these parts as Black Friday. I wasn’t sure about telling this tale, but the idea for the specifics of the song came to me this morning, and I just went with it. It’s not my wish to paint her as a bad person, as I think with any relationship there are mistakes made by each person. I think I needed to do at least one song of this sort. There’s still more to do to find peace with everything. I hope one day, I find it. But at least I am at a point where I am ready to move forward with life. Despite my last song, I can’t say I have met anyone new, not anyone attainable, at least. Nor would I pursue that sort of thing as I am now. This is just a place I visit to express the feelings, and perhaps preserve them, then move on. I don’t really need to explain, I suppose. But I figured, if you’re reading, maybe you might be curious. I don’t really know what to do with this blog, or how I would want it to look in an ideal world. I’m just using it to share my writings, and through them, to share a piece of myself. Thanks for reading.

It’s Not A Date

Wait for me
In a café downtown like
A mystery queen
And who
Would I be
To refuse to surround myself
With silly dreams
Of you
You and me
What can be?
We will see

I know it’s not late
And it’s not a date
But I just can’t wait
To hear what you’ll say
I know it’s not fate
And it’s not a date
But I just can’t wait
To see you today

Precious hope
I know better than to
But I just can’t handle it
If I could know
That it’s worth it to have you
That love’s not a battle
It’s home
Safe at home
The thought is heartwarming
But my heart still warns me
Of you
It won’t be
It’s not easy
To breathe

I know it’s not late
And it’s not a date
But I just can’t wait
To hear what you’ll say
I know it’s not fate
And it’s not a date
But I just can’t wait
To see you today

How are you?
I’m so pleased to meet you
And I can’t believe you would
To see me
Out of all of the people
That surely want to see you
I know
There aren’t words
That can end
All the hurts
And you
Don’t know me
And maybe
We won’t be
I don’t
Yet believe
Finding love
Is easy
And so
When you leave
Let it go
Forget me

And for my own sake
I hope it’s not a date
So why can’t I wait
To behold your face?
I’d pray for this day
But it’s not a date
And it’s not our fate
We’ll go our own ways
What can I say?

As Much As I Can Get

Take away the scars
Upon my heart
You leave
Take away the parts
All the soft and hard
May be here yet gone
Like the sound of
May be right and wrong
And I miss you

As much as I can get
Even if nothing’s left
Pieces here I carry
Of a love still left unburied
As much as I can get
It lingers like regret
Lonely here and scary
To think that’s all I’m getting
Of you

Touches of your hand
Glimpses of your
Lovely smile
Picture on a stand
Things I haven’t seen
In awhile
Took us our own ways
Wonder how it ends
For us
Waiting for the day
When I find someone
To trust

As much as I can get
Even if nothing’s left
Pieces here I carry
Of a love still left unburied
As much as I can get
It lingers like regret
Lonely here and scary
To think that’s all I’m getting
Of you

A whisper
Or a smell
The joy
Of being held
When you were happy dancing
Or a moment of romancing
A letter
That you wrote
That restored
All my hope
But time, the greatest gift
That you could spend it with
The person
You once loved
Who do you
Now think of?
I know it isn’t me and
I know that we can’t be
So what
Am I to do
With memories
Of you?
They’re breaking me to pieces
I fought and was defeated
It’s time
To let it go
And face
All the unknown
I face it here alone
In the shell of our old home

As much as I can get
Even if nothing’s left
Pieces here we carry
Of a love still left unburied
As much as I can get
It lingers like regret
Lonely here and scary
To think that’s all I’m getting
Of you

…To The Last Jedi…Rap

Skywalker has vanished
Like a planet
When resources are
I can’t handle it
Take to the space lanes
And canvas
Till a map is found and returned
With safe handling
These are the first steps
Now we’re left to guess
The last two years
Have put me to the test
I’m stressed
Speculation, confession
Is he the last?
Is that the wrong question?
Let the past die
Kill it if you have to
Rhymes like this
Need fresh beats to rap to
I’m being torn apart
By the sorrow
He would have disappointed you–
You follow?
Two years
The wait ends tomorrow
I have great faith so
Don’t get me wrongo
They liked it so much
They gave him three more
Tickets sold out
Like Porgs in the store

Now go
Oversee preparations
The Last Jedi rap
Will sweep across nations
This is the end for you
The Last Jedi rap
Is here to make a statement

Is Rey a scavenger
Who was abandoned,
Or is she someone who’s
More than we imagined?
What does it mean
That there’s been an awakening?
Does that mean we shouldn’t expect
All of the same things?
Who is Snoke
And why does he look injured?
And will there be some
Knights of Ren action figures?
Are there slot machines
At Canto Bight?
More likely than not
Your Snoke theory is right–
From a certain point of view
If you believe that
Even if the truth is
Your theory is karabast
Even so, you’re charming
To the last
Episode VIII
Will rake in the cash
And all the fans catching
Personal feelings
About their franchises
Well, here is the real thing
Too proud of your
Technological terrors
But when you fight the Force
You’ll end up as failures

More questions left here
Than answers
Avoiding the Internet
Because it’s cancer
No tweets or news
And no YouTube
Spoilers could be hiding
In sofas like it was Blue’s Clues
Going radio silent
Reading books
Scared to even mention the film
It’s not a good look
And don’t make
A stranger mad–
They’ll tell you the ending,
Even if you didn’t ask
But there’s too much fun
To be had
Luke is the man
With the beard and the bag
And he is present at last
Before Xmas
One last movie is left
On every checklist
And so our strategy
Must now change
At last we reveal ourselves
When we’re in close range
Leading them to
The Last Jedi
Delusions of grandeur
Are soon to be realized
But the approach
Will not be easy
There’ll be haters out there
Desiring to squeeze me
But you must realize
You are doomed
Because The Last Jedi night
Is coming, quite soon

Still in Pain

Feels like we both
Want to blame ourselves
Reiterate all
Of the ways we failed
And we couldn’t endure
The storms at sea
Shipwrecked, watching you
Float away from me

The weight of our tears
Makes the oceans rise
I can feel you here
If I fantasize
Our fingertips they touch
As they begin release
But is the end of love
Really a relief?

So we drift away
Because you wouldn’t stay
And face the rain
And yet we’re still in pain
So we drift away
A little more each day
I can feel the change
And yet we’re still in pain

And maybe all my dreams
Conceal the silent screams
Over all we lost
As I turn and toss
I wonder what it means
What remains unseen
Is the future of
What would’ve been our love

“I haven’t been able to
Tell you everything.
I don’t think words could express
The warmth of your caress
And the brief rays of light
Of our happiness.
I kept too much inside,
Hidden from you,
You, the one I treasured most.
I have loved you,
And I love you still.
Although you are gone,
I always will.
Hold onto the pieces of me
That you can.
A kiss.  A moment in the moonlight.
I should’ve held you tighter
That last time.
If you were going to go,
It’s the least I could do.
I’m sorry I didn’t give enough.
Wherever you go now,
I gave the best years of me
To you.”

And maybe all my dreams
Conceal the silent screams
Over all we lost
As I turn and toss
And maybe what you need
Can never come from me
But I hope you find it
I’ll always be reminded
Of you

Put Your Flags Down For Me

I just barely got here
And I’m screaming
Full of hopes and of fears
And things to believe in
Look to you and you fill me
With teachings
Then I look at your life
And what am I seeing?

Well, hopefully,
What I’m hoping to see
Put your flags down
For me

Tell me is the past
More vital than the future?
Is what could be
Less to you than what it used to?
The questions I ask
Are because I’m planning
And the world that we have
I am not understanding

Well, hopefully,
What I’m hoping to see
Put your flags down
For me

I’m not asking for
Global world order
But love shouldn’t end
At our borders
They’re people just like
You and me
Neighbors just under
A different tree
Just wanting to be

This is about our children
We can teach them our skills, then
We can give them new dreams
And watch them fulfill them
This is not about banners
It’s about what matters
Because we won’t have to
See what comes after
But they will
I hope they can still

Well, hopefully,
What I’m hoping to see
Put your flags down
For me
Most importantly,
What I hope it will be
Join your hands now
For me

[Rap]tain Phasma

Don’t mess with
Captain Phasma
She was raised on Parnassos
Stays handling matters
Shiny and chrome
A big deal, in fact and
You fight her
And you’ll end up with fractures
Ice pack on your face
For days after
Being a woman is
Not even a factor
It’s not about the wants
Because she has to
Generals take notes
Whenever she’s in action
She’s got a cold heart
Unlike these blowhards
No nonsense, it’s straight talk
In wartime
Dealing with
These Dug thugs in no time
No difference
Between foes in her mind
Only one goal:
Stay the most vicious
That’s how she’s living
With every single decision
So all you traitors
About to bear witness
Vengeance is now
Her first order of business

Blindsided by Chewie
With a takedown
Held to the blaster
Then forced to take down
Deflector shields
So she got a raw deal
She was dumped in the trash
To be a dianoga meal
She was left to
An uncertain fate
But make no mistake
Her survival takes place
And now
The only place you can
Escape her is heaven
You’re the bad apple here
A little leaven
Now the whole lump
Is spoiled from your deception
You have picked
The wrong side of history
I guarantee you’ll get
A big slice of misery
So don’t gamble on
Canto Bight
‘Cause when we fight
I’ll put you in the brig for life
I’ll make you suffer
And put out your lights
When the First Order cuts your throat
I’ll be the knife

You villagers will die
As an example
Think you can resist?
We’re more than you can handle
A massacre is nothing
But a sample
Our fierce firepower is ready
Able and ample
So you can raise
A fist up if you want
While my troops grab your wrist
And punch you in the gut
It’ll make you
Rethink decisions
Turn in your gun and
Report to my division
And who told you
To remove your helmet?
I keep my operation smooth
Like it’s velvet
And I’m a legend
Or so that’s how they tell it
I let my blaster speak instead–
It hasn’t failed yet
So in conclusion
Pain is in your future
Unless you bow down to Snoke
My troopers bruise you
That’s your only choice
If you refuse to
You’re just another number and
We can afford to lose you

Fear and Living (Live In 4-D)

You might look good
When you’re on paper
But paper tigers don’t
Get fed from the table
So keep your eyes sharp
If you’re able
And don’t turn your back
In the field like Abel
‘Cause brothers love
Taking people out
Trust is an illusion
Erase all your doubts
Try to learn
What this game is about
Life gives you one Hit Point
For the bout
And taking shelter
Will not be allowed
Naps get disturbed
By every noise I’ve heard
Because they built our homes
Like hollow boxes
Every day a different smell
That may be toxic
Though I’ve got no choice
About dozing
It feels just as scary
As leaving my doors open

I got a knock on the door
As I’m dreaming
It’s three a.m.
Do my ears now deceive, then?
There’s a lone cop
Outside my apartment
Open it or not,
I might still be shot, and
I’m also there
In my underwear,
And I almost forgot
Because I was that scared
Turns out
They were at the wrong place
But I saw her reaching
For the piece and now I’m shaken
It could be that easy
To be taken
From this earthly plane and
All from a mistaken
And how such easy access
To the power to end life
Exists is madness
I want to give
The benefit of the doubt
When I’m in my own shoes
I find myself without it

I’m not here
With a social message
I’m not the type of person
To give the life lessons
But what I said above–
A true story
I’ll never know how many
Close calls before me
I feel worse
For my son, though
I gave him a life
In a world where the gun votes
And all opposed
Never get a second option
Daring to hope
Gets you holes from a shotgun
And then you’re dead and forgotten
A name on a plaque
As your skin’s turning rotten
If you can read this,
You’re still here
But the bad news is
That you’re living in some fear
Can’t fight, can’t run
Can’t talk
If you go a little mad
Then I can’t say it’s your fault
Because this world is a tin
Full of mixed nuts
Nobody wins
Very few get what they want
And life should have a sign
Out front:
Better luck next time
Sorry–it’s your last one


Short Story: The Tack #1 – Finale


I entered the laboratory cautiously, wary of an ambush. But there was no sign of anyone.

Except him.

With his back turned to me, Ron showed a casual, chilling unconcern. It tainted the air, a sharp antiseptic even through the mask’s filter.
Everything done led to this moment. Friends, standing with a world between us. A curious reversal, that his perfectly white lab coat contrasts with my darkened defense suit. The villain standing in light and the hero living in darkness.
But darkness is just the space between lights, merely the bridge meant to carry us towards it. I see that now. Though it is a long path, to reach the light, it should be. Endurance is how we achieve justice.
The sound of my footfalls fills the room. The hum of electrical current. The muted city traffic far below.
“Join me,” Ron says, without so much as a fraction of a reaction to my arrival. “You should see.”
I can barely conceal my anger. “Is this the part where you explain your scheme of world domination?”
“It bears no explanation. Look below us, my friend–”
“FRIEND!” My outburst, not a question but a condemnation of the term, carried a near echo. “You killed my wife. You killed my father. You have murdered thousands with your empire.”
“Is this the part where you recount my sins, o judge and executioner?” He remained unperturbed. “I know them all too well. I remember every death. Can you do that?”
I find my rage carrying my feet closer as he continues to talk. “Even now, your memory of the faded and failing marriage degrades, is romanticized into something it never was. Your father neglected you in the name of revenge, and a great many pointless aggravated assaults. Yet you would defend them? Seek to avenge them?”
I slowed my approach. I can’t let him anger me. He wants me teetering over the abyss. “Some of us don’t do vengeance. Some of us learned to live without it.” I take my mask off. There’s little point to it now. “I’m not my father. And you are not his son.   Your father–”
“Gave birth to my father.” He finally turned to look at me, solemn and calculating. I felt unsettled all of a sudden. “My father gave birth to my creator, which in turn created me. No matter. You’re here to stop me from ‘world domination’, I’m here to explain to you that you can’t. And you can’t, you see. I’m already in control of much of the world’s economy, its most powerful leaders. I provide sustenance for billions of people. And I can extinguish them. This process started long before you entered those doors. I needn’t go into further detail, save to say that a healthy percentage of mankind will shortly die. As they ought to.”
“Then why haven’t you killed me yet?”
“You know why. Surely you’ve deduced it by now, or I’ve overestimated you.”
He looked at me, and a trace of the young man I once knew gleamed in those eyes again. I suddenly felt sick inside. “You wanted me to join you.” I bent over, as if the wind had been knocked out of me. “All this death…all to persuade me?”
“Yes. All for your sake.”
“Because you had to suffer firsthand, the grieving of widows, orphans…the loss of brethren.”
“What does that mean?” I trembled with rage. “You were just a kid, you couldn’t have!”
“Of course not. But someone else could have, if properly persuaded. Willis died as the first martyr of our great cause, Kenneth. Your wife was the last. And you, now forged by the fiery wounds inflicted, will stand with me to create a world where none of this happens again. To anyone. Ever.
“No young husband should ever have to hold his dying wife in his arms and see what this world does to the pure and the innocent. No brother should witness an assassination of his own flesh and blood. No son should bury his father so soon. These are the futures we create.”
“Illness,” I groaned as my hands wrapped around his throat. “Why should killing you be wrong at all?”
“It’s not what it would do to me,” he said, “but what it would do to you.”
“Make me feel a whole lot better?”
“You’ll do the same as I, one day, and ask yourself: why stop here? Why is this too far, and not far enough? You think I’m the only monster in the menagerie?”
I growl and squeeze his throat harder. He merely smiles at me, his skin turning red as his circulation slows. “Ash it wash my father,” he gags, “youshallbemyshon…”
I tip over, into the abyss. And then I grab hold of the edge again, loosening my grip. “I’ll not make another murderer.”
“Ah, but you will. You just did. How many more lives are worth your conscience, Kenneth? Are you really so sacred that you would sacrifice these people to yourself? You should be killing me on the idea that it might make a difference, even if it didn’t. We both know it. So do it. Kill your conscience, and save this world you would protect.”
“You’ll get three squares a day, a padded cell, and the world will retain its billions of people. Because that’s not the man I am.” I released my grip on him. “Your plan will be unraveled. Your people locked away and disarmed. Your drugs destroyed, your diseases purged from the innocent. And you will face justice. These things, I promise.
“This day, and all days, I will be a thorn in your side. I’ll save this world from men like you.”
Ron felt the back of his neck, sensed the difference. “What–?”
“The nanites your father injected you with. Or however it happened. A sonic frequency combined with a near-undetectable electrical impulse can shut them down. You have nothing to fight with. And you, like most men like you, value your own life above any so-called plan to save mankind.”
The spotlight of a police helicopter shone brightly in the window. “THIS IS THE POLICE! PUT YOUR HANDS ON YOUR HEADS AND SURRENDER IMMEDIATELY, OR YOU WILL BE FIRED UPON!”
Ron knelt down and put his hands on his head. I followed suit. Tactical teams wearing biohazard suits swarmed into the laboratory, fanning out, their heavy weapons trained on us both.
Ron laughed. “Well, look at that. You can always count on the police.” He turned and looked up at them as two police yanked his arms behind his back to put the handcuffs on. “Will there be room for two, by any chance? My friend and I are staying the weekend.”
As the police put handcuffs on me as well, I blew out a breath of frustration. “Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me.”



No idea if anyone actually read this, but it’s one possible ending to a superhero story I’ve been bouncing around in my head for awhile.  I don’t think I’ve got the tone right, and I feel like I made the bottom drop out of it at the end, but it’s a start.  I particularly wanted to have the first half of the story feel like a typical gritty detective story, and the second half turn the whole concept on its ear, and not have a fight as the finale.  I’m still working out how I would do that, but I just wanted to write again and I went with what came to mind this time.