Tag Archives: Autobiography

The Dregs

I took a couple steps down
In the middle class
‘Cause a family of four
Scrapes by on a little cash
So broke that
The neighborhood Dollar Tree
Has become a part
Of my grocery shopping policy
So, the good thing is
I still manage to eat
But the PBJ has now
Replaced the lunch meat
My brunch thing
Is a Pop Tart if I’m lucky
It’s not even the brand name–
Toast-‘Ems or something
Redbox and Netflix
For movies
But can’t even chill with my wife
‘Cause of disputing
And it’s stupid
Sometimes I feel lucid
But most of the time I’m around,
I feel useless
And the future is fruitless
I’ve only got one life
And yet about to lose it
Come to grips
With my own mortality
And haven’t even figured out
A sense of morality
It’s the dregs

Dregs got me
Dragging me down
Not going to beg
Got to scrape on the ground
It’s the dregs
Dregs got me
Dragging me down
Not going to bed
‘Cause there’s more to do now
It’s the dregs

“One day,”
My wife said, “I’ll be gone,
And it’ll be just
You and your stuff to look upon.
You won’t have to deal with
None of my complaining
When I want to go to bed
And you’re still up gaming.”
Wanted to think it was
An idle threat
Until she said it once more
When we were washing at the laundromat
And then I’m nervous
When I see her texting
Is she talking to someone
That she wants to go get with?
Man, forget this
Shouldn’t have bought that cheap necklace
It was poor taste
And didn’t belong on the checklist
But when you’re broke,
What else can you do?
You try to get a gift
But your wallet only hurts you
Like freshly cut hair
On your shirts do
Or desserts do
When your diabetic thirst is due
And the first crew
Is looking at you like your shirt’s due
It’s worse, too
When you have to keep a curfew
And bed bugs ain’t
Letting you sleep
Alcohol rubs at ninety percent
To kill them creeps
It’s the dregs

Dregs got me
Dragging me down
Not going to beg
Got to scrape on the ground
It’s the dregs
Dregs got me
Dragging me down
Not going to bed
‘Cause there’s more to do now
It’s the dregs

Can’t get upset
‘Cause life isn’t done yet
Crammed on the bus asking
Are we having fun yet?
I’ve got more mice at work
Than at home
But on those quiet nights at least
I won’t be alone
Seeing mouse droppings
All across my desktop
Maybe I should catch ’em
And open up a pet shop–
Ew! Never mind,
That’s disgusting
They set up some traps
But the traps do nothing
Anyway, the pain is different
Every day
Pain in my feet and my back
Won’t go away
And that’s apart from the pain
In my soul
From the places that I’ve been
And the people being cold
And then I’m seeing
My parents are getting old
I don’t know how to deal with it
When they have to go
And I can’t even chat
With my bro
He’s been shunning me for years since
I left out of the cult
And all my yearning
Is poured into my journal
The loves and the hates
And the thoughts that’d disturb ’em
All those people I don’t call
I hurt ’em
But there’s nothing else left to do
I don’t deserve ’em
In the dregs

Dregs got me
Dragging me down
Not going to beg
Got to scrape on the ground
It’s the dregs
Dregs got me
Dragging me down
Not going to bed
‘Cause there’s more to do now
It’s the dregs
Dregs got me
Dragging me down
Not going to beg
Got to scrape on the ground
It’s the dregs
Dregs got me
Dragging me down
And what in the heck
Am I going to do now?
It’s the dregs

Heavyweight Flow (A Rap)

I’ll rap a mile a minute
Faster than intended
You check in with me
I’m a rap superintendent
You don’t get it so you quit it
Like it’s quidditch
I’m the rap seeker
Fast enough to defeat you
So undo the straps
The belt is mine
It’s a championship round
Going down with these rhymes
And all the judges
Might be begrudging
But I’m back by popular demand
Like big government
You hear the flows
And forget what the others did
You’ll be left with nothing
Is what my mother said
Instead I’ve got myself a wife
And a couple kids
If nothing’s what this is, then
I’m lovin’ it
It’s going down like
An all-day breakfast
I’m reckless while
You other rappers are just feckless
I’ll protest, protect it–
Forget it
While I’m trend-setting
You rap about your necklace
I’m still young
And silver-tongued
And giving some
Fruits of knowledge
Of good and bad
That’s killing ’em
Whoa now–
Who told you you were naked?
With language like that
You defile what is sacred

It’s kind of funny
How these folks think they can run with me
But never really have
Good motives ’bout their company
So I find myself
Often riding solo
But even Han needed
A Chewbacca for the road though
He’s mighty
Unlike me in fighting
But with this pen and paper
I shine brighter than lightning
So hear me roar
That’s what I’m writing for
I’m not nearly bored
Come on–look at the score
Though many rappers are up
And I’m at zero
I’m an aerial ace
With this microphone like Spearow
And I can change the timeline
Like Nero
‘Cause what I’ve read matters
The competition is shattered
Like a sheep without a shepherd
They scattered
Must have been residual–
Leftovers of Biblical
The odd verse
Can drop lots of proverbs
I’ll have your brain
Chowing down like it was bratwurst
I thought first
That my life had gotten cursed
Was not even worth
The price of food at Shoppers
I got a thirst
And got hurt
And lost her
Then I taught myself to fly
Like helicopters
Because the air looks better
From up there
And the clouds are like
Cotton candy at the fair
Though I may not make ’em
Stop and stare
I can still try to crash the market
Like a bear

I’m heavyweight
And left a cult
Like Heaven’s Gate
Changed my fate
Still making up a better way
And life hits me hard
Until the leather breaks
My heart carries scars
But I’ve never been in better shape
It’s uplifting
How life is shifting
The power of forgiveness
Empowers me to live this
It’s like I skipped it
Talented and gifted
I look at my troubles
And see?  They’re insignificant
I face it all with a smile
Like Barry Allen did
I can look back in awhile
And say I’m proud of it
All the bumps in the road
Have really changed me
But strangely
I cut off challenges
Like gangrene
And mainly
Don’t let the pain constrain me
I’ll blame me
But I won’t let the blaming break me
So when people ask me
What I’m doing
My answer to them is this:
I’m still going

Shadows of Me (A Rap)

It’s right in front of me
It’s all I can see
Still doing battle with
The shadows of me
It’s like a part of me
That’s hiding, unseen
Still doing battle with
The shadows of me

It’s like a poison
Bubbling up, filling with rage
Like a psychotic noise
I’m attacking the page
In spite of light
It still lies in front of me
I try to do the right
But I find I’m struggling
In my head
I hear the cursing has worsened
And though I have a wife
I’m accidentally flirting
And some days
It feels like we’re roommates
I’m bad at creating
Scenarios like first dates
And though she’s fine
And often on my mind
I forget what she says
Like every other time
And then it feels like
I can’t steal some kisses
Because at night we still
Share the bed with the children
And it’s not
‘Cause they had a nightmare
The last six years
I felt ’em kicking me right there
Wake up with the pain
With the back sore
Can’t even explain it–
What in the world was that for?
But then I see them grow
And I know
That sooner or later
A father has to let go
That kind of loss
Makes me not want ’em close
But I don’t want the cost
To be the love I show…
And on the days
That I’m winning
I remember things
That are still unforgiven

It’s right in front of me
It’s all I can see
Still doing battle with
The shadows of me
It’s like a part of me
That’s hiding, unseen
Still doing battle with
The shadows of me

Not my fault
I was raised in a cult
Used to pray for forgiveness
To God in my thoughts
It took a lot
To learn the lies I was taught
And it tore up my heart
Like a fire is hot
I lost friends
And burned bridges at both ends
Stood in the middle
Of a fight that was hopeless
Turned to a friend
In desperation to cope with
And then I betrayed her
By losing my focus
And sometimes
She still calls my office
She’s still in my mind
Though not quite as often
It still hurts
I don’t know what is worse
That I still think about her
Or that she was my first
And some nights
The guilt finds its way back
But that’s part of life
We don’t get to use a WABAC
So I tell those memories
To stay back
But they ignore me
And continue with the playback
And I ask if she
Secretly hates me
And curses the day
When we first started dating
Or am I alone
With the pain?
Did it hurt her so little
That I’m past her today?
And I don’t know
If she’s there
But if she was,
I would want her to know I still care

It’s right in front of me
It’s all I can see
Still doing battle with
The shadows of me
It’s like a part of me
That’s hiding, unseen
Still doing battle with
The shadows of me

I’m still coming to terms
With my desires
And then a woman catches my eye
And starts a fire
And all my efforts to stall it
Stoke the coals
Like I’m building a wall
While my heart’s blowing holes
But I’ve already got
Someone to hold
I don’t want to be the guy
Who’s tormenting her soul
So I try my best
To just ignore it
Like telling myself
Obsessions aren’t important
And to be honest
It’s starting to get annoying
Testosterone is the missile
They’re deploying
And all I’ve got
Is a brain and a ring
I already spoke the oath
So how do you work this thing?
I know I’m supposed
To call it precious
But the ring doesn’t make me
Disappear like breakfast
That’s why I’m tempted
To do something that’s reckless
And why the sight of women
Can still leave me breathless
Now I can barely afford
A cheap necklace
In a different life
I’d be driving a Lexus
I love my wife
But inside I feel restless
Lost in the desert of love
And feeling desperate
But there are sharks in the water
So don’t test it
You’ve already fought this battle
And been bested
So my advice to myself
Is get rested
Every new fight
Is a mark off the checklist

It’s right in front of me
It’s all I can see
Still doing battle with
The shadows of me
It’s like a part of me
That’s hiding, unseen
Still doing battle with
The shadows of me

Some days
I think about divorce
Or just rolling up the windows
And screaming till I’m hoarse
Still wishing I chose
A different course
But that’s no excuse
That would hold up in court
And people wonder
Why I don’t talk to them
I’m afraid the truth
Will be spoken too often then
And then they don’t
Take me seriously
I explain the situation and
It’s like they’re not hearing me
Like I’m stuffed with cotton
Not speaking clearly
The third time repeating myself
Makes me weary
So I stay
Out of their parties
And socializing scares me
Like not having coffee
But it’s something
I can’t avoid
Somewhere inside there is still
Quite a void
Like heaven above
Was destroyed
And all I have left
Is I’m currently employed
I’m starting to feel
Like I’m a monster
When it all started
From following my conscience
And life feels like
A foreign concept
It’s no longer right and wrong
It’s all nonsense
And these are the days
I feel ashamed
That I can’t tell my wife
About my secret pain
Instead I gather my strength
And carry on
Try to smile and pretend
There’s nothing at all wrong
But I’m small
There’s nothing about me strong
I can only carry
All this weight for so long
I just want a place
Where I belong
A place where I can stand
After so many falls
So maybe these shadows
Are pretty dark
But I like to write ’em down
To get ’em off my heart

It’s right in front of me
It’s all I can see
Still doing battle with
The shadows of me
It’s like a part of me
That’s hiding, unseen
Still doing battle with
The shadows of me

Making My Way (A Rap)

Wondering if I
Make a difference
If I have what it takes
Now to go the distance
Like a Redskins team
I’m inconsistent, so,
Will I make them all
Look and listen
Or simply fade away
Into insignificance?
With a sense
Like a precognition
I look into the distance
Rhymes have ignition
And so fresh
It’s like they’re mint condition
And the leftover competition’s
Tenth editions
So whenever they say
End the mission
I take a pen and
Make them see what they’re missing
A rap genie granting
Endless wishes
No less than refreshing
When I bless your senses
I’m taking rap to the
Next dimension
I’ve got you moving up
Like a chess convention

When it’s coherent
Is when nobody hears it
And when no one’s here
I do something worth cheering
It’s like a
Tree falls and nobody notices
Because they’re so appalled
By the latest explosions
I’m losing hope
In a process of erosion
Delusions of holiness
People think they’re chosen
What good’s agility
Or rhyme versatility
When like most abilities
It’s a futility?
You won’t live to see
The fruits of your labors
Stabbed in the back by
The ultimate betrayer
Our own cells
Are destined to fail
This body is a temple
And a prison and a jail
It seems small
All the works of our hands
And I ask if we’re all
Part of some greater plan

I’m trying not to be sad
Under the weight
Of all these phobias–
The fears, facts and hates
Carried away by
White and black debates
Tired of the state
Of the people as of late
I want to take them all
By the hands
And show them there’s a path
To love and understanding
It’s less stressful
Not so demanding
Even though life won’t go
As we’ve planned it
But in a world like this
All we can get
Is leftover futures
Slowly turning rancid
That’s when I understand
What a man said,
“Everything is vanity”
Leave empty-handed
So why bother?
Why become a scholar?
Why even bother reciting
The ‘Our Father’?
There’s nobody
Living up in heaven
That’ll give us the bread of life
Over this leaven
Wild talk or maybe
Just depression
Or maybe the end result
Of asking questions
‘Cause it’s a risk
Asking why we exist
A life fragile as it is,
Slipping out of our fists
And it’s hard handling this journey
Makes a man want to check out early
‘Cause it’s disturbing

I wrote another verse
For what it’s worth
As if all these words
Can calculate the hurts
And if it leads to fame
It’s just dessert
It won’t erase the shame
That dwells under the surface
Is it the lingering
Things from upbringing?
Maybe in part,
But I don’t think completely
It was a moment in time
That defeated me
The very moment
That strangely has completed me
The one I loved
Who I couldn’t let go
And I don’t know
If she loves me anymore
I hope so,
But what good is hope?
It’s a baseless
Self-deceit to help you cope
And I feel like
I’m not a good husband
I feel like my wife
Can never be loved enough and
I feel like
I’m doing a lot of nothing
And wonder if
I’m too much to put up with
All I can do
Is go a day at a time
Write a page if I find
There’s something great on my mind
Maybe I’ll get into all that
But it’s best to save something
For the next rap

Shovel (A Rap)

A strong man can’t
Understand the straw man
Or comprehend
When he’s using a hard hand
You built a house of cards
And when it falls in
You tape it back
And call it someone else’s problem
You call it progress
This backwards process
While you’re still taunting
I’m calling it nonsense
And even worse
It’s demonstrably monstrous
You turn on your own
And then call it conscience
And still you’re mad at me
Used to call me family
Now you won’t even
Look me in the face, sadly
You bring me news about
How I got a nephew
Well maybe you can tell the dude
How his uncle’s dead to you
From what I said to you
Man, I’m not scared of you
I told the truth just how it is
And it’s unfair to you
So what do you care to do?
Rotten trees bear the fruit
You’re a thug and a bully
And this rhyme was prepared for you

I’m being real
When I say that I love you
But even still
I have to pick up the shovel
I’m being real
When I say that I love you
But this is how I feel
Got to pick up the shovel

We gather here
On this hallowed ground
In memory of the brothers
That aren’t still around
And the sisters too
Don’t think I’m missing you
You’re the type of people
I didn’t make a difference to
But I’m different dude
Diffident to suit the mood
But now I have a different voice
A mind of a different school
You’re using simple tools
Like a flint striking a rock
My brain’s a flamethrower now
With all the knowledge I’ve got
And it was painful
Not thinking till you say so
You claimed to wear a halo
But now I’m dropping payloads
Because I severed
All these fraudulent ties
I don’t have the time
You hear this?
Well you don’t have a mind
But hey, since you have a Father
That’s fine
Just make sure you ask for his help
Instead of mine

I’m being real
When I say that I love you
But even still
I have to pick up the shovel
I’m being real
When I say that I love you
But this is how I feel
Got to pick up the shovel

You could say
This is disrespectful
But unlike you
I’m not the type that’s forgetful
‘Cause I remember
The derisive laughter
The butt of every joke
And feeling impotent after
Well now it’s done
I’m not here to make fun of
That’s the price you paid
When you made me feel unloved
The funny thing about
Having a lot
Is that it tends to remind you
Of what you never got
And you only pay me mind
When it’s expedient
Could only get a bit of your time
If I’m obedient
And even then
It wasn’t really good enough
Your firstborn earned your scorn
Yet he is loved
I was the sequel
Separate, unequal
In front of your people
You can paint me as evil
You didn’t see
All the struggles at school
You liked all the grades
And I stayed out of trouble too
But you never took the trouble to
Look me in the face everyday
And say, “I love you, dude”
You just wanted a soldier
And a loyalist
And even when I showed you that
You’re busy destroying it
Well, at least you made it clear–
Family’s a regime that is ruled by fear
Know what?
I’m going back to my hovel
Wait a minute–
I forgot to get my shovel…

I’m being real
When I say that I love you
But even still
I have to pick up the shovel
I’m being real
When I say that I love you
But this is how I feel
Got to pick up the shovel

But it’s confusing
And I don’t know what to say
As the shovel picks up dirt
Then piles it on your face
Everybody did their best
With what they had
And the more I think about that
The more it makes me sad
I think about the harm that was done
And I stop, realizing
I was not the only one
You saw your mom shot
And you saw your dad drunk
And you got all the beatings
Whenever there was bad done
And yet you taught me to do good
Tried to be an example
The best that you could
I honestly want to care
And I would
But the pain in my soul
Tells me I never should
‘Cause I’m gone with
A life of my own
And a wife of my own
And some tykes of my own
And thinking ’bout
All the rights I will own
When I’m done with the power
Of my microphone
Who am I kidding?
I’m not very forgiving
I’ve done enough shoveling dirt
It’s time for living
I just hope that you know
I still care
But I’m absent without home
I won’t ever be there

I’m being real
When I say that I love you
But even still
I have to pick up the shovel
I’m being real
When I say that I love you
But this is how I feel
Got to pick up the shovel

Panic Attack (A Rap)

I’ve been reading the news
It’s got me scared
And wondering when terror
Will find me unprepared
I think the fear
Is worse than the actual
And even worse than that
Is not knowing what’s factual
I see a dude in camo
Fears skyrocket
Mind racing, wondering
What he’s got in his pockets
Should I have told him
He turned me into Gollum
A riddle in the dark
With no answer spoken?
I’m afraid of
The path we’ve chosen
I’m afraid of
The wrath that claims people’s focus
I walked a long road
To get there
And now upon arriving
I’m scared I’ll meet death there
Because some dude
Read it on the Internet
He becomes convinced
That the killing isn’t finished yet
Invites participation
Strange how murder
Is free of discrimination
Scared to ride the bus
Or go to movies
Because of some nut
Who might decide to shoot me
Sure you can ban it
But you don’t understand that
A killer will kill
With whatever he fills his hand with
Maybe it’s safer to
Cut their bandwidth
Remove anything that
They can cut their hands with
Maybe not,
With these days, I figure
Someone’ll try to kill you
With some child-safe scissors

I’ve got a panic attack
If I go ahead, I’m dead
I’m scared to look back
I’ve got a panic attack
I’d rather stay in bed
Than to battle with that
I’ve got a panic attack
If I go ahead, I’m dead
I’m scared to look back
I’ve got a panic attack
I’m really not prepared
To be handling that

I dread getting up
And dealing with the work week
Scared someone in the office
Wants to hurt me
I’m scared to drink the water
When I’m thirsty
And scared someone poisoned
The food or the dessert treats
I’m scared my ex
Might kill my kids
And scared the Internet
Might tell her where I live
With all these phobias
No hope for utopia
I’m like a District Tribute
At the Cornucopia
So will I be killed
For your amusement,
Or maybe for the will
Of a group that I’m refusing?
And with so many truths
It’s just confusing
Everything I think I can prove
Can’t really prove it
People think that
I’m crazy or I’m stupid
I was even scared
When I was struck by cupid
I’m often scared
To even go to sleep
Wondering if I’ll become
Who I’ve hoped to be
And hopefully
The fates will maybe vote for me
And I won’t be pulled over
By the faux police
Or run over
When I cross the street
Or blown up
When the stove maybe caused a leak
Or in fulfillment
Of a prophecy
Maybe God will kill me–
That’s his policy

I’ve got a panic attack
If I go ahead, I’m dead
I’m scared to look back
I’ve got a panic attack
I’d rather stay in bed
Than to battle with that
I’ve got a panic attack
If I go ahead, I’m dead
I’m scared to look back
I’ve got a panic attack
I’m really not prepared
To be handling that

I don’t know how
People believe anything
Whatever you believe
It creates some new enemies
And it makes me feel
Scared to breathe
Is it oxygen or carbon dioxide
I’ll receive?
And maybe I’m scared
My wife will leave
I often feel like
She could do so rightfully
And often the
Self-righteous’ll be
The very same people
Who have rifles, see?
I no longer trust
And I get scared whenever
Folks are nice to me
And when I wrote
Those Eyes of Yours
I was scared that people
Would think I’m disloyal
But I wrote it
Because I was scared
Of the feeling that I felt
That shouldn’t exist in there
I’m almost scared
To put it down on paper
Because I think someone else’ll
Find it later
So do you mind
If I stay here?
Maybe my fears won’t find me
If I lay here
I’m afraid of the crimes
Every day here
And I’m afraid I’m losing my mind
The more I wait here
When days are better
And things are more together
Maybe I’ll feel that it’s safe–
Or maybe never

I’ve got a panic attack
If I go ahead, I’m dead
I’m scared to look back
I’ve got a panic attack
I’d rather stay in bed
Than to battle with that
I’ve got a panic attack
If I go ahead, I’m dead
I’m scared to look back
I’ve got a panic attack
I’m really not prepared
To be handling that

Manifesto (A Rap)

When you write a manifesto
People think you’re Karl Marx–
Or you’re going to
Shoot up the office
Either way
It’s uncomfortable topics
Like whether or not science
Can disprove the prophets
Or if alliances
Made inside politics
Are only in existence
For personal profits
So then, leave it alone
Just drop it
Why get yourself lumped in
With the stalkers?
Here’s your unfollow,
You tin-foiled hat
Let’s send him an insult
Or laugh behind his back
Because when you promote
Balance and reason
It’s like white after Labor Day–
It’s out of season
They’ll nearly
Accuse you of treason
Just for believing
They’ll label you as heathen
And even suggest
You stop breathing
They’re verbally beatin’ you
Without even meetin’ you
That’s how people
Out here are treatin’ you
Pass you on the sidewalk
And won’t even speak to you
At least look at me
Once and nod
Or can you see that I don’t
Believe in your god?

Here’s the problem:
A world full of people,
Both good and evil,
Separate and unequal
Some don’t want
The government to feed you
So they want the freedom,
But hope they won’t be you
Politicians say
To help your fellowman
But make sure their paychecks
Are not going to face that
While they can get a ride
To where they stay
You can barely manage
The bus fare for both ways
For every thousand you make
They take a third
Or a fourth–
Either pay up or end up in court
And that’s on top
Of child support
So if your girl’s crazy
You better end up staying
So you can quit your job
And be lazy
But you better not be playing
Take care of your babies
You park your car wrong
And get another ticket
Guess the taxes weren’t enough
Cash to get it
And by ‘it’ I mean
A trip to Bahamas
You might even end up
Golfing with Obama
You’ve got to do
Whatever they say, so
It’s not what you know
Apparently, it’s who you know

Here’s what I want
For the rest of the world:
Complete education
For every boy and girl
But it doesn’t have to be
The same tradition
Schools are often so dogmatic
They’re like religions
People have to wear
The same clothes
And read
The same prose
Do tests
They don’t know
You can’t go
To the bathroom alone
Get tossed out of class
For a nap or your phone
And they don’t care
What happened at home
Just gladly intone
This happiest poem
At worst
You’re a number
At best
A last name
And in between
Pawns of a master’s game
Remember back
When your people were slaves?
Nah, no way
We’re not back to those days
Would you believe
It was illegal to read?
So you really can’t see
What your knowledge could be?
Instead they color code you
Like crayons
But everyone wants to be you–
Hence, the spray-ons
But this isn’t just
For one group
There’s far more involved
I’ve got some more thought food

Next on my list
Is to end the disgrace
That groups all the people
According to race
We’re responsible
For this division
But we still have the power
To change that decision
Your keyboard is black
But you can’t be
And what’s really red
Is flowers and ant species
Yellow dandelions
And the sun
White is for snowflakes
When wintertime comes
Brown’s a color
For the birds of the earth
And coffee and chocolate
Not measures of worth
And when a rainbow appears
You see several
In nature the colors unite
Above the heavens, so
Why not come together
Down below them?
“Our colors are our beauty”
Should be our global slogan

I left my faith
To understand:
Did man make God
Or did God make man?
I had my last talk
With him years ago
He didn’t say much
If he did, I didn’t hear him, so
I would gladly
Believe in one
But I became a father
And I looked at my son
If I knew the love
Of children
I would spend every day
Beside them, I’d be listening
I wouldn’t leave
A two thousand page letter
And ask them to consult it
If they want to know what’s better
And I would never
Want to kill my kids
But according to those books
That’s what he did
But then he tells me
That killing’s not right
So how can I know
When it’s proper to fight?
I see him authorize
Multiple genocides
Over a strip of land
And I’m hurt inside
So am I to understand
Life is sacred?
If you think so much of it,
Then why do you hate it?
You’d rather play a game
With your Satan
Than to offer your children
A chance at salvation?
You stand back
And pit them against each other?
You tell them to abandon
Even their own brothers?
Yet you say
We should love one another
That was the number one rule
That we discovered
Instead Abraham’s children
Are at war
And things are at best
Far worse than before
If you flooded a world
Because of violence,
Then nuclear bombs
Should have made you bat an eyelid!
So I said goodbye
That’s what I did
You can offer up the rest of your lies
To some of my kids
And maybe one of them
Will believe it
But as for me, sir,
Consider me as leaving
Claim you gave a ransom
Well, I reject it
Because it’s obvious to me
That your kids are much neglected
And what kind of a thing
Is that to do?
I will never, ever
Let my child die for you
And what were you
Trying to prove?
If you wanted to forgive
That was all you had to do
Is forgiving a person
That hard
That you have to kill someone
Just to please God?
And that’s the nicest version
Others blow themselves up
To lie with virgins
Some kind of servants
Personally that type of thing
Would make me nervous
It was hard
To even rap about God
And maybe there’s a place
Somewhere inside my heart
Where he’s still alive
But for me, he just died
Because when I needed him most
He said goodbye
Oh, wait
That was only in my mind
I never heard a word
I guess I was left behind

What I want most
In our world is peace
And not on the other side
Of war, death and defeat
I want for us
To lay down our arms
To heal the wounds
And get back to the start again
I don’t want anyone
To be starving
I don’t want a single meal
Thrown in the garbage
I want leaders
Who can do more than speak
I want teachers
Who can teach children to think
I want believers
To ask more questions
To treat us with respect
Or find a better profession
I want people
To reach for perfection
To look at the past
And learn the correct lessons
To not be so
Desperate for blessings
But to be obsessed with
Improving our ethics
So that about wraps up
My checklist
And the rest of my manifesto
Any questions?

Introspection (A Rap)

What is this feeling
That consumes me?
People on my blog are like
‘Where is the beat?’
I know I’m the
Only one who hears it
But I’m tired of being
All alone with my lyrics
So I decided to
Step up and share them
Five people like it
And most, they don’t care for them
And what is my aim
Within the game?
I’ll never have the fame
Or crowds screaming my name
But I’m not ashamed
You can say this dude is lame
You don’t have to eat
All this food for brains
In real life, I’m
Not of much interest
And I’m not a titan
When I’m on the Internet
I’m not sure if
Anyone really cares
But if you read this sincerely
I’m glad that you’re there
I’m looking for a future
Like the World’s Fair
But no one ever really believes
That the world’s fair

There are days
I want to turn to the bottle
When I’m on the train I feel
Like I’m surrounded by supermodels
But I’ve been married
For five years
Infidelity’s high
On the list of my fears
‘Cause you can have
A beautiful wife at home
And still feel as though
You’re living your life alone
But that’s when
I try to think of the future so
I don’t even consider
Doing something estupido
I get feelings
And I have to duke it out
Sometimes I get sick of it
And want to puke it out
Some days it’s no fun
Being a male
You want to take your feelings
And lock ’em up in jail
With no possibility of bail
And no Internet access or even mail
Every day I feel like I fail
I have the kind of fantasies
I can’t relate in detail
And I wonder if it’s normal
To feel like your own body
Is going to war with you
And I wonder
What does a woman do?
Does she have the same struggle
When she’s looking at other dudes?
And is she even in love with you?
Or is there something in her
That’s secretly had enough of you?
And I wish that
I could be better to her
So someone else doesn’t write
Love letters to her
Because I’m addicted to her smell
Like it’s gin
I want it coming out of my veins
And deep within
And her touch is still
Like she’s electric
I wish for every second
We could be connected
Her coming back to me
Was unexpected
But our love is still young
And yet to be perfected
And I want to
Show her affection
But it’s like we’re Verizon
And lost the connection
I hope you can
Forgive this section
I needed to have
A bit of introspection

Then I think about
Going to work
The same gray walls
And the same white dress shirts
It’s as if it was made
To cause depression
To make a brain wander
Ask all kinds of questions
For example,
What am I doing here?
Do I want to do this
For the next thirty years?
How can a person be
Happy and balanced
When he spends most of his time
Inside a cube of silence?
I mean, I’m glad
That it pays the bills
If I’d been born elsewhere
I might be working in a field
And sweating to death
Under a hot sun
I don’t take my work for granted
I get the job done
It’s just that
It’s not enough to stop one
From worrying about those folks
Who haven’t got one
And wondering if
I’ll soon become one of them
Struggling outside
And searching for funds with them
I know I love to write
And so it happens
The dream that I’d like
Has nothing to do with rapping
I’d rather be a
Best-selling author
A screenwriter/director
And maybe win an Oscar
But I wouldn’t
Do it for the glory
I’d do it because
I need to tell a story
And I believe
I have a good perspective
On what would be needed
To make fiction effective
Some of the best stories are real
And those are the ones
That change how we feel
I’m not looking for a record deal
I’m looking to connect
With what hurts and heals
I’m looking to
Bring people to tears
Or make them laugh–
That would be music to my ears
It may take
Another fifty years
But I want to be remembered
When I’m no longer here
Then I think I need
To work a little faster
At best I’ve got forty years
Or maybe half of it
I have a pen and paper
I can tackle it
Hopefully you’ll get
To see it all happening
And if not,
Or if I’m gone next year
I want to say thanks again,
Just for being here

For the Kids (A Rap)

Can you get in the car, please?
Scramble through my pockets
I just dropped my car keys
Give ’em cookies and
They’re greedier than Larfleeze
I get so exhausted
I need another Heart Piece
But it must be hard to see:
Living in a world
Where everyone’s a tall tree
And I worry they could stomp me
Or take something from me
I consider as my property
And I try to get your attention
I say your name fifteen times
Until you listen
The refrigerator is my mission
If it had a TV,
I would live in the kitchen
So do you get the message?
I want to watch
The next episode now on Netflix
I promise to remember to say please
So long as it gets me
Another slice of cheese
And I don’t like peas
I consider your favorite cereal
To be yucky
Why do you always tug me?
You get mad at me
And your face gets all ugly
But hey, I still love thee
When it’s time to take a nap,
I’ll say, “Up, please!”

Don’t worry–
I’ll remember your glasses
Or where your change, earrings
Jewelry or cash is
Aren’t you glad that
I can’t reach the matches?
But I can still climb up
Onto your mattress
Ooh, what game are you playing?
What does this button do?  What?
I’m just saying
Hey, how come the game is off?
Oh, that button did it
But I may be wrong
I think I’ll wait
Until you get really far
And then press it again
Just in case, to make sure
I just want to maybe be
Someone as exciting as that
So you’ll play with me
I may not make all the
Boops and beeps
But I can roar loud
Like a fantastic beast
And really, that’s the least
Of what I can do–
I can even play hide and seek!
So, aren’t you glad you have
A child like me?
No cares at all,
Running wild and free
Oh, until tomorrow?
That’s a while to me
I can run another
Seven miles this week

I don’t believe in bedtime
And potty-training me by three?
I don’t do deadlines
I know you hate it
When I’m whining
But you don’t seem to understand
I’m really trying
And you wonder why I’m crying
Maybe something’s getting to me
Maybe I’m tired
It doesn’t matter
Your attention’s required
Even if you have to
Pull an all-nighter
I’m there right beside you, man
I’m a fighter
I probably think
I’m a bit lighter
Oh?  I nearly started to choke you?
I’ll hug tighter
And there are no
Halfways with me
Either I love it or I hate it
There’s no apathy
And if you’re ever sad
I will always be
The one who can bring your smile
Right back to me
I don’t know if it’s hard
To take care of me
All I know is
That I want you to be there for me
So please, handle me carefully
With unconditional love
I know that you care for me

Fight Night (A Rap)

Sometimes the battles I won
Don’t compare to the battles I lost
I consider the cost often
But I can’t go back
Rethink attacks
Or dispatch a new captain
To use a different tactic
It’s like Skynet headed me off
And my future was grounded
Before I even found it
And I simply cannot get around it
My thinking was too weak
I got myself surrounded
And then I got pounded
They’re carrying me back to the seat
Before the round ends
I’m seeing stars and I’m astounded
Did the ground just move
Or am I staring right down at it?
And I spit out my mouthpiece
It didn’t do me that much good
I think I’m out of teeth
And they awaken me
For Round Three
I’m barely even on my feet
And then I’m floundering
It’s like he’s got ten appendages
Every fist is connecting
From a different direction
And there’s little chance for reflection
My face and the ground
Meet at an intersection
And I’m not sure if
There is a referee
I am pretty sure
My opponent has just stepped on me
And I can feel his breath on me
Strangely cold
Like the pall of death upon me
And I wait for him
To set me free
He bends his knee
He grabs my head
And says to me:
“Ready to sleep?
Soon to be your destiny.
But for now,
This is not yet to be.”

“You see, breaking you
Is not enough.
I have to grind you up
Your mind and body crushed.
I’ll make sure everything you touch
Will end up in such
A way as I just discussed.
You’re far beneath even disgust
And there’s no healing temple
Here for you to limp to.
So why not simply end you?
Why not send you to the fate
All men are sent to?
Believe me, I meant to.
But not until I’m finished
Breaking whatever is in you.
And here’s how I intend to:
I’ll show you the truth
About everything your friends do.
You see, for decades
You were living a lie
Your closest allies want to
Send you out to die
And without even really
Telling you why
And without shedding tears
At whatever you had to sacrifice.
And worse still, now they scorn you
Label you an enemy
And won’t bother to mourn you.
This is what men of war do
It’s already happened
Many times before you.
So for now, I will explore you
See how you react
As your trusted friends ignore you
And the one you love abhors you
You want to stand up and fight
But can’t afford to.”

I shove him off
And get to one knee
It feels like the weight
Of a fleet is still crushing me
And nobody’s even touching me
It’s like I’ve been a tragic
Victim of some magic
But I’ve just about had it
With thoughts that manage
To take me to madness
And knock me down to sadness
We’ve had enough standoffs,
Skirmishes and matches
Unfortunately, the fact is
I have a bad habit of
Not acting on factors
And disregarding facts
About who I’m attracted to
And I’ve lost my whole world
I gave up my soul
And still lost my own girl
And the pain is vicious
Relentless like
A chronic, persistent sickness
And there’s no way to fix it
I throw a left hook
And I quickly missed it
Inside it’s like
Something is missing
I take another knee to the stomach
And then he’s kicking
A snap kick to the ribs
Leaves me breathless
He’s staring at me callously
Like unfinished breakfast
And heedless of all danger
I lunge right into the air
Bringing my anger
We erupt into a tumble
Fists and headbutts and
It then becomes a rumble

In sweat and tears I’m swinging
He clobbers me hard
And my ears are ringing
And then I try to throw an elbow
He shrugs it off
Like I just hit him with Jello
And licks his lips like it was sweet
I’m unloading blows with
Both fists and feet
I’m thinking that I’m beat
There’s no more to give
The tank is on E
And then he’s on me
Raining down bazooka-powered blows
Upon me
And now I think he’s got me
He’s going to keep going
Till he stops my heartbeat
And then I start to remember
It’s not his intention
To become the winner
And he strikes me again
I’m still breathing hard
And barely got enough wind
He smiles–a disturbing grin
Wipes his hands, says:
“We should do this again.”
His smile is gone, and he says:
“And we will.
We’ll do it again
Each day until you’re killed.
And even with all your skill
You can’t hope to conquer
A product of your own will.”
“But you’re wrong,” I say.
“I’m under pressure
But pressure and time
Are what create treasures.
And you may be depression,
But knocking me out
Is still out of the question.”
So I never learned my lesson
But I’m still finding ways
To maintain a connection
I cling to life like a sailor
Attached to his ship
In the middle of a maelstrom
And I may not prevail,
But I hope I learn something
Everytime I fail