Tag Archives: Heartbreak

Whatever, Just Whatever

This crazy game
We just cannot stop losing
This is insane
And its pain is abusing
All of my trust
Is now withered to dust
Because of us
Messing up
Did I want
You too much?

Are we just better
When we’re not together?
I’m still a debtor
To my deep regret, oh
Are we just better
When we’re not together?
Whatever, just whatever

I feel alone
Even when you’re in the room
This was our home
When you left it too soon
This bride and groom
Volunteered to be fools
Drafted into
Wars of words we both lose

Are we just better
When we’re not together?
I’m still a debtor
To my deep regret, oh
Are we just better
When we’re not together?
Whatever, just whatever

It’s empty thoughts
Memories of when we fought
It’s all we’ve got
Is this love
Or is it not?
Promises break
When we don’t do what it takes
Was it a mistake?
Was it real
When you were fake?
Here by ourselves
And pretending as well
How can we tell?
Is it clear that we failed?

Are we just better
When we’re not together?
I’m still a debtor
To my deep regret, oh
Are we just better
When we’re not together?
Whatever, just whatever
Did you do better
When we weren’t together?
All this unsettled
And even at best, oh
We are no better
When we are together
Whatever, just whatever
Just whatever

Commentary:

This was another of those songs that popped into my head right as I was trying to go to sleep, and I said, alright, guess I have to write it down because I won’t remember it in the morning or I’ll lose the feeling, the music of it. It is also based on real feelings. I’ve shared too much on this blog about that, and I know she hates it when I talk about this sort of thing online, worries that I’m seeking to make her look bad. So if I’ve done that, it was not deliberately.

Some days I’m emotional about love and other days I’m thinking, look, it’s not that serious, and the main thing is to eat, sleep, and work, so that we may one day be able to enjoy that movie, book, video game or comic for whatever time is left. And maybe, while we’re at it, try not to do any harm to anyone, or make them too angry, etc. ‘Just basically stay out of the way and watch movies, read books, etc.’ pretty much sums up life for me.

But I’ve spent decades being ashamed of my true feelings and of any number of “bad” things I was afraid of saying or doing. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life that way. I may not be able to share every thought or feeling here, all of what I could say, but I like sharing a part of myself with the larger world out there, even though I’ll never know how many people even noticed. Quiet as I am, even I like to be noticed, sometimes. I am human, after all–I passed the Captcha thing, so that totally proves it. I can identify a grainy picture of a traffic light that seems really subjective, because that’s what humanity is all about. Anyway, thanks for reading.

You Gave Him Everything

I cried myself to sleep
But not from lack of crying
I still think about you and him
Instead of me
Ahead of me
He’ll always be
I try
To forgive
But here
Must I live
This way?

It feels like you would run to him
What was it that you’d done to him?
Was it fun with him
And not me?
You gave him everything

I gave a decade of my life
Committed all to you, my wife
But you took that and walked away
And still that day
Doesn’t go away
I can hear you say
You won’t
Come back
But then
In fact
You stab
Attack
Here I bleed
And still here when you need
I ask, why should I be?

It feels like you would run to him
What was it that you’d done to him?
Was it fun with him
And not me?
You gave him everything

If he showed you what love is
Did he change diapers on the kids?
Did he ever wash any dish?
Grant any wish?
Or was he just rich?
If he showed you what love is
Did you tear his heart out just the same?
Did you beat him at the lying game?
It’s a crying shame
And you haven’t changed
That’s why I’m still in pain

It feels like you would run to him
What was it that you’d done to him?
Was it fun with him
And not me?
You gave him everything
What’s left to give to me?

 

Commentary:

I was just trying to sleep, and got to thinking about some painful things and crying a bit.  It’s been a stressful week.  Maybe it’s unhealthy to post online about something this personal.  But maybe I have myself to blame, anyway, for everything.  It made for an interesting, emotional song, but it’s probably best to just let it speak for itself.  Thanks for reading.

So It Was Him

I just had to ask
Though it’s in the past
Like all that we had
Before it went bad
And now that I know
When I let you go
You travelled so far
To be in his arms
He said he loved you
Then what did he do
When you were set free?
Returned you to me
But what was it he
Did better than me?
It’s a mystery
Still unraveling

And so it was him
I lost and he wins
I see him within
It’s under my skin
And so it was him
Though I can pretend
I knew it within
I know it again

He’s tall and he’s strong
While I’m weak and small
And at least he calls
While I didn’t bother
He had more to spend
While I’m end-to-end
And a better home
All I have are problems
He made you feel loved
So why didn’t I?
He was all your truth
And I was your lie
And never enough
Though I really tried
Now I have the proof
You couldn’t deny

And so it was him
I lost and he wins
I see him within
It’s under my skin
And so it was him
Though I can pretend
I knew it within
I know it again

At last you confessed
And now I accept
I forgive the debt
But cannot forget
Not because I’m mad
But because I’m sad
That I cannot have
The love that he had
That I’ll never see
You looking at me
The way you did him–
It’s my jealous sin

And so it was him
I lost and he wins
I see him within
It’s under my skin
And so it was him
Though I can pretend
I knew it within
I know it again

The Tracks Beyond Us

I could say you’re
Unfaithful
So ungrateful
But mainly I just feel ashamed
On good days it
Wasn’t painful
But still unable
To give you love worthy of the name
If you beckoned me near
I’d still feel the fear
The fog of my heart so unclear
How in the world did I steer
To get me from there to right here?

I look at
The tracks beyond us
And let’s be honest
They’re taking us too far away
I look at
The tracks beyond us
And the broken promise
But my heart gets stronger each day

Alone in my
Head space
In this dead place
With moments my steps can’t retrace
At home with a
Blank face
And an angst face
I still cannot feel like I’m safe
The bed forgets your smell
Oh, the tales it could tell
Lock me up in my shell
Lower me into this well
Entranced by a memory’s spell

I look at
The tracks beyond us
And let’s be honest
They’re taking us too far away
I look at
The tracks beyond us
And the broken promise
But my heart gets stronger each day

Would that you’d never left
‘Cause every breath
Is harder than death to accept
Leaving me so bereft
With every step
A sad joke that I just don’t get

I look at
The tracks beyond us
And let’s be honest
They’re taking us too far away
I look at
The tracks beyond us
And the broken promise
But my heart gets stronger each day

The Sooner That You Know

Sounds like
You’re still in love with her
From everything
That you felt and heard
The door is open
And you are hoping
But your heart is broken
From every word unspoken
But how will you know
If you should really part
If you let go
Without telling her what’s on your heart?

The sooner that you know
The sooner you can see
I want you to go
But don’t want you to leave

Tonight
I couldn’t sleep again
Tears from my eyes
As I contemplate the end
The door is closing
And yet the time is frozen
This isn’t what I’ve chosen
I don’t know where I’m going
To
There is no path here without you
And my mind
Could never be made up
To accept a breakup
I cannot bear the weight of
Living without you

The sooner that you know
The sooner you can see
I want you to go
But don’t want you to leave

I’m crushed
From the memory of your touch
Every day it is too much
Is it like that for
The both of us?
Can we
Ever learn from history?
Or are we just supposed to leave?
So what
And who is there left to trust?
I can paint a picture of us
And it’s rosy
But you’re not there
To hold me
So be
Live your life and leave me here to bleed

The sooner that you know
The sooner you can see
I want you to go
But don’t want you to leave

 

Commentary:

Alright, this one is actually inspired by real feelings.  There is a sense of confusion about my marriage, even though it’s existed in name only for a year and a half now.  I wrote this one late at night when I couldn’t sleep.  Last night, actually.  In some ways it is fitting to have it be so conflicted.  I have never really been able to share my deepest feelings with her, and I am not sure she would even be open to them, in some cases.  But there’s nothing more that can be said or done now, I suppose.  I just needed to get the feelings out, that’s all.  I hope I don’t feel compelled to keep writing about heartbreak in the future.  I just miss going home to someone, not having to miss someone.  But maybe I wasn’t a good enough husband, so…guess I just had it coming.  Songs can’t fix any of that, nor would I want them to.  I know there aren’t that many of you out there, but I’m always thankful for you.  As always, thanks for reading.

A Lie Put To Music

I fall in love with you
Suddenly I’m a poet
I’ve given you my heart
You ran away and stole it
It’s not as if you’re moved
By anything I wrote then
I couldn’t get to you
Through all the things we’ve broken

It’s a lie put to music
So why even do it?
It really is quite useless
It’s a lie put to music
So why don’t we remove it?
Why put us through that?

You could be someone new
Or who I gave my life to
What does it matter who?
I’m just a guy you’ll lie to
No matter what I feel
I’ll never even say so
I can’t imagine real
When love is so painful

It’s a lie put to music
So why even do it?
It really is quite useless
It’s a lie put to music
So why don’t we remove it?
Why put us through that?

All these false songs
When love is wrong
The feeling’s so strong
But doesn’t belong
And it doesn’t take long
To make a man fall
And love crushes all
With its mad siren’s call

It’s a lie put to music
So why even do it?
It really is quite useless
A lie put to music
So why don’t we remove it?
Why put us through that?
A lie put to music
Isn’t an improvement
I haven’t met the truth yet
Or is it in this song?
Is it in this song?
Is it in this song?
Is it in this song?

Light Switch

What’s worse?
To be seen by you?
It hurts
To be invisible
While you
Could just catch my eye
Then do
Not a thing but walk on by
I feel
More than I imagined
And still
Can’t believe that happened
How did
You get so close to me
And yet
You haven’t done anything

Light switch
Can you turn back off?
I wish
You wouldn’t let me fall
For her

Supposed
To be gone by now
Too close
The silence is too loud
Turn down
Because it’s scarred so hard
Around
You I feel it’s gone
You’d melt
The ice inside of me
But who’s telling
These lies but me?
No one
But you won’t go away
I want
So bad for you to stay

Light switch
Can you turn back off?
I wish
You wouldn’t let me fall
For her

I don’t want to
Be the one to
Hear you say
The words, “I want you”
I’m not here for
Being fearful
You would go
Then all the tears flow
I am crying
I am finding
No more love left
Here inside me
Do not start this
Brokenhearted
Man to hoping
For a starlit
Romantic day
Coming his way
Followed by
A love betrayed

Light switch
Can you turn back off?
I wish
You wouldn’t let me fall
For her
I don’t want to
Feel this hurt
In case you
Haven’t heard

The Shipwreck

They say I’m still young
But I don’t feel young
It’s getting real, son
Like a last meal from
Time as a thief
‘Cause it likes to steal from
Every soul that’s passed on
Or breathes on
Got limps and crow’s feet
And back pain
The ship is sinking
Sort of like the rap game
Switched the blinkers
But it’s still like the fast lane
What was I thinking when
I chose this path again?
And nothing gaining on me
But the bills
And the LDL
It closes for the kill
Dreamlike in life
I can’t feel
But the sadness
That much, it tells me it’s real
Still shocked emotions
Can’t deal
Drawing in breath
Is losing its appeal

Having dreams at night
During his birthday
Didn’t even ask my wife
About the cupcakes
And there I held him
It felt like reality
And then it all fell away
With a finality
And he was eight hundred miles
Away again
And I was there alone
Within the same bed
That I shared with his mama
Before
The heartbreak truce descended
Into war
And she retreats
But she still won’t surrender
Even in my dreams
My brain still defends her
I was a hero
And a hypocrite
Made a vow to love
And I let it get diffident
I don’t know
What’s ahead
Three more years
Or three minutes till I’m dead
Does it matter
‘Cause it’s been said–
The corner of a roof
Or a bad life instead?

Is it worthless
Here without purpose?
Might be those who would say
That I deserve this
In two weeks
I look at the sheets
Do I go to court
And fight to be released
From a marriage?
Horse but no carriage
None of the perks
But still it won’t perish
How do you cut loose
Someone you cherish?
Sinking in the ship
And feeling quite embarrassed
Put my captain’s hat
Under my arm
Don’t even shed a tear
Or be alarmed
‘Cause I built it with
Shoddy materials
Not enough truth
And too much mysterious
I know I can’t breathe
Underwater
But air doesn’t much reduce
My disorder
The acrid odor
Of smoke and fire
As I ponder what more
Could have been required

Is this what needs
To be done?
Words on a paper
So we could be one
All of that is
Simply undone
With more words worse
Than what we’ve become
I feel scared
Unable to bear it
I could print it out
But then I’d just tear it
The truth is
I wanted to die
But in spite of this
I fought for your side
Too much of me
I did hide
But I couldn’t leave
Even if I’d tried
I would
Implode for you
With all that I suffered
I think I was going to
But if I died
I would die fighting
Staring at a white flag
As of this writing
‘Cause you gave our love
The seppuku
Killed it
Left for dead because you choose to
Run away
Easier to face yourself
When you can move and then
Just replace yourself
Or was it me
That you wanted to replace?
I’ve still got stuff of yours
Up in the place
A lesser man or better man
Would chase
But I know when I’m not wanted
I can’t escape it
Time to sign
And divide our lives
But it feels like deciding
About how to die
I didn’t choose this
It was made for me
Married, a dad, divorced
Before forty?
Can I last through
The final stage?
Every level ground is uphill
At my age
But they tell me
I’m still young–
Just means there’s more parts left
Of me to kill from

 

 

 

 

Black Friday

I’m a husband and father
Only son and stepdaughter
Let me tell you the tale
Like a lamb to the slaughter
Then betrayed and forgotten
Yet I feel like I failed
She says no one will blame me
I don’t think she can see
That the mirror, it does
I had all the proof then
Of all that she was doing
And I still held my tongue
Now our marriage is ruined
And now I feel foolish
She was seeing someone

Let me tell you the deal and
It’s half off for my feelings
What a sale I have found
When the truth was revealed then
Everything became real
Are you happier now?

I saw things in the browser
And the warning came louder
When you went for a walk
And it lasted an hour
But still I was a coward
And we never did talk
You weren’t wearing your ring and
I just didn’t believe that
You would lie to me so
Our love died at the scene and
You were still acting mean
You’d decided to go
You could probably see it
Bloated there in a stream
Did you strangle it, though?

Let me tell you the deal and
It’s half off for my feelings
What a sale I have found
When the truth was revealed then
Everything became real
Are you happier now?

Now it’s three-quarters off and
Did you solve any problems?
Glad I kept the receipt
‘Cause I’m taking you back and
Paying for it, at that
Because you chose to leave
What a buyer’s remorse that
Our love became a war
And you stabbed me at last
I can’t take anymore and
You surrendered before
I could raise up a flag
But then I look at the price tag
We destroyed what we had
There can be no return
And yet you were my wife and
Here we had a good life
Now I’m watching it burn
And my tears are like fire
Was all of this required?
Was it worth it for you?
I would call you a liar
But I live the reminder
That’s enough of the truth
That this is what you do
To people who love you

Let me tell you the deal and
It’s half off for my feelings
What a sale I have found
When the truth was revealed then
Everything became real
Are you happier now?

Alone here in a crowd

Where love is not allowed

Commentary:

I have been thinking of writing a song with this title for awhile, because she left the day after Thanksgiving (14 months ago), often known around these parts as Black Friday. I wasn’t sure about telling this tale, but the idea for the specifics of the song came to me this morning, and I just went with it. It’s not my wish to paint her as a bad person, as I think with any relationship there are mistakes made by each person. I think I needed to do at least one song of this sort. There’s still more to do to find peace with everything. I hope one day, I find it. But at least I am at a point where I am ready to move forward with life. Despite my last song, I can’t say I have met anyone new, not anyone attainable, at least. Nor would I pursue that sort of thing as I am now. This is just a place I visit to express the feelings, and perhaps preserve them, then move on. I don’t really need to explain, I suppose. But I figured, if you’re reading, maybe you might be curious. I don’t really know what to do with this blog, or how I would want it to look in an ideal world. I’m just using it to share my writings, and through them, to share a piece of myself. Thanks for reading.

Still in Pain

Feels like we both
Want to blame ourselves
Reiterate all
Of the ways we failed
And we couldn’t endure
The storms at sea
Shipwrecked, watching you
Float away from me

The weight of our tears
Makes the oceans rise
I can feel you here
If I fantasize
Our fingertips they touch
As they begin release
But is the end of love
Really a relief?

So we drift away
Because you wouldn’t stay
And face the rain
And yet we’re still in pain
So we drift away
A little more each day
I can feel the change
And yet we’re still in pain

And maybe all my dreams
Conceal the silent screams
Over all we lost
As I turn and toss
I wonder what it means
What remains unseen
Is the future of
What would’ve been our love

“I haven’t been able to
Tell you everything.
I don’t think words could express
The warmth of your caress
And the brief rays of light
Of our happiness.
I kept too much inside,
Hidden from you,
You, the one I treasured most.
I have loved you,
And I love you still.
Although you are gone,
I always will.
Hold onto the pieces of me
That you can.
A kiss.  A moment in the moonlight.
I should’ve held you tighter
That last time.
If you were going to go,
It’s the least I could do.
I’m sorry I didn’t give enough.
Wherever you go now,
I gave the best years of me
To you.”

And maybe all my dreams
Conceal the silent screams
Over all we lost
As I turn and toss
And maybe what you need
Can never come from me
But I hope you find it
I’ll always be reminded
Of you