Tag Archives: Life

Fear and Living (Live In 4-D)

You might look good
When you’re on paper
But paper tigers don’t
Get fed from the table
So keep your eyes sharp
If you’re able
And don’t turn your back
In the field like Abel
‘Cause brothers love
Taking people out
Trust is an illusion
Erase all your doubts
Try to learn
What this game is about
Life gives you one Hit Point
For the bout
And taking shelter
Will not be allowed
Naps get disturbed
By every noise I’ve heard
Because they built our homes
Like hollow boxes
Every day a different smell
That may be toxic
Though I’ve got no choice
About dozing
It feels just as scary
As leaving my doors open

I got a knock on the door
As I’m dreaming
It’s three a.m.
Do my ears now deceive, then?
There’s a lone cop
Outside my apartment
Open it or not,
I might still be shot, and
I’m also there
In my underwear,
And I almost forgot
Because I was that scared
Turns out
They were at the wrong place
But I saw her reaching
For the piece and now I’m shaken
It could be that easy
To be taken
From this earthly plane and
All from a mistaken
Address,
And how such easy access
To the power to end life
Exists is madness
I want to give
The benefit of the doubt
When I’m in my own shoes
I find myself without it

I’m not here
With a social message
I’m not the type of person
To give the life lessons
But what I said above–
A true story
I’ll never know how many
Close calls before me
I feel worse
For my son, though
I gave him a life
In a world where the gun votes
And all opposed
Never get a second option
Daring to hope
Gets you holes from a shotgun
And then you’re dead and forgotten
A name on a plaque
As your skin’s turning rotten
If you can read this,
You’re still here
But the bad news is
That you’re living in some fear
Can’t fight, can’t run
Can’t talk
If you go a little mad
Then I can’t say it’s your fault
Because this world is a tin
Full of mixed nuts
Nobody wins
Very few get what they want
And life should have a sign
Out front:
Better luck next time
Sorry–it’s your last one

 

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The Hermit–An Unexpected Rhyming

My life was nice like the first chapter
Of a book
There and Back Again
Not much was happening
Life was like a
Box of chocolates–
‘Cause I know what I like
They were all the same type
And
There was peace
Never needing to speak
It was okay–
I concede being least
Had a moment of need
To disagree
Turned into a decade
Of people missing me
Shortly after
Emotional distance
Never let me get past
Cognitive dissonance
And all the hurt could
Get lost like Mirkwood
Lived under curse
Without cause, I did good
Gave up
A lot of things I could’ve done
Made up
When I really thought I should’ve run
Now the trail of fear
Is ahead of me
Nothing feels clear
Will it get the best of me?

My head hits the desk
Before it gets to rest
And disinterest
Replaced the obsession
In the mirror I see
My trangressions
Still there’s forgiveness
From the learned lessons
History doesn’t work
In our favor
The good we do now
Will be forgotten later
Not much incentive
For behavior
When the rules are
Abandoned by betrayers
But the world
Doesn’t owe me any favors
That’s just the nature
Of life’s many flavors
Sometimes it’s bittersweet
Sour and incomplete
Sometimes it’s salty
Jacked up and faulty
I’ll never forget
That night she called me
Told me some things
I found quite appalling
But I’ve got to move
Past her now
Because time didn’t slow
It’s moving much faster now
Feels like
Life is halfway done
And we run the clock out
At the point of a gun

I’m still reeling
Don’t know what to feel and
I can’t relate it
Can’t even reveal it
So much gone now
And so little finished
Still find my life goals
Close to the beginning
Stories started and plotted
Then abandoned
My family’s gone
Because I took them for granted
I didn’t see my son’s
First day of school
Hurts me so bad
I don’t know what to do
And it’s a desperate search
For how to cope
In the darkest of shadows
There’s some kind of hope
And I don’t know
How the story ends
“Happily ever after”
To “Let’s just be friends”
And sometimes
I want to be like Hosea
Go get her back
And forgive the failures
And other times
I want to be a player
But I was never in the game
So I just stay there
In a chair,
And staring at my comics
As if I can ever
Escape all my conflicts
Waiting for my ship
To come sailing
A one-way trip
Away to Grey Havens
Until then
I’m stuck with all the hurt
And hoping for a way
To find what I deserve

 

Brother

Brother
Oh brother
Tell me where art thou?
Tell me where’s your heart now?
Brother
Oh brother
Haven’t you forgot how
We were at the start now?
We cared for
One another
Cheered at every touchdown
Wasn’t that enough now?

I can’t imagine you forgot
You’re everything that I am not
Sorrow is my present lot
The pain inside, it never stops

Brother
Oh, brother
If I was your role model
Then why all the bravado?
Brother
Oh, brother
Now who do you follow?
Some faith that you borrowed?
We cried for
One another
But do you even care now?
‘Cause you aren’t even there now

There was a time
When we were friends
But everything
Must have an end
This message to you
Now I send
You’re everything I wish I’d been

Brother
Oh, brother
Now who will you die for?
Those people that you lie for?
Brother
Oh, brother
Is everything you fight for
Worth what you sacrificed for?
I’m scared for
Every other
When brothers can
Just do this
In the name of being foolish

I’ve never seen my only niece
I find that there is no relief
I buried all my greatest grief
I wonder if you hated me
I’m doing fine
I’m safe and free
There’s nothing you
Could say to me
You’re everything
I tried to be
I failed and you’re
Surviving me

So brother
Go, brother
And do what you are meant for
We’re opposites in this war
So goodbye
Goodbye
Try not to die for them
Or do whatever’s right for them
While I’m grieving you
Grieving you
I’m leaving too
Leaving too
Leaving too

 

Commentary:

I don’t really talk much about my brother, but I was inspired to write this song one morning after a bad dream.  I suppose I’ve buried a lot of the feelings I have about him, for my own sake.  Family has been on my mind more than ever since my wife left me.  I don’t know that I miss my brother.  It’s more of a regret, that no matter how life went, we always managed to be opposites of each other.  I don’t let myself feel, as far as all that goes.  I’ve lost a lot of people I cared about because of religious differences, and I have to live with that.  The only way I can is to not feel as I normally would.  Repression, I suppose.  A poor choice, perhaps, but I had to work with the tools I had inside, not the tools I didn’t have.  So, this was a brief window into the feelings I prefer to keep buried.  Thanks for reading.

Open Mic, 7-12-17

I don’t want
This silence anymore
Until I get
What this moment is for
I think that fully half
Of life is gone
The only thing I have left
Is wrong
All the things I did wrong

On my birthday
All I get are e-mails
From companies
That just want to make sales
I wonder, should
It mean something to me?
I don’t know yet
Of who I am to be
Who am I to be?

I’m lonely here
But no one noticed me
My wife still calls
From deep in Tennessee
My heart is in
A big tail spin away
A garden is
Not meant for withering
It should be growing things

I want someone
To care for me
Tenderly
Be there for me
Intimately
And carefully
Tend the hurts
And share my dreams

Perhaps I’m
Too rough around the edges
And then I’ve
Fallen from too many ledges
In life
Too many regrets and
Too much to forget and
Too much left unsaid that
Led to less fulfillment

One day I’ll leave
And then there’ll be
No one to say these words
I’ll never be
Completely free
Until I’m truly heard

Lonely thirty-something man
Seeks something he can’t understand
Something he can’t really have
A love that for once really lasts
Love
Isn’t that a laugh?

But I think I’ve said
Enough today
I’ll turn around
And walk away

The Battle

Most times it’s what
Life’s about
You get knocked down
Twenty rounds every bout
And the crowd
It can fill you with doubt
The pain so loud
It can feel like a shout
Raise your temperature
Break your intentions
Leave you seeing stars
Like a fifth dimension
Not to mention
The tossing and turning
Dreams so bad
Make you feel like you’re burning
And it’s sad
When you feel like you earned it
Mistakes can make you
Feel like you deserved it
And is it worth it?
So often I’ve heard that
When people hurt you
It’s natural to hurt back
But you need to
Defend from attack
Keep your guard up
Till it’s your time to act

On the ground
It can feel like a ten count
Throwing in the towel
Is not what you have been about
Can’t see
From the cuts in your eyes
And can’t flee
From all the suffering inside
Don’t know
What is real and what’s not
But don’t show
All of the fear that you’ve got
Go slow
When you’re taking your shot
Don’t roll
With all the fakes who forgot
When you lose
There’s not much to do
But you choose
If you want to quit from the bruise
When you fail
You let trials prevail
Nothing can avail you
If bumps derail you
Don’t go drinking
Instead start thinking
That if you go down
You’ll do it while you’re swinging

Any captain
Can sink with their ship
Life likes to happen
When we’re not equipped
Books can offer
A path or a tip
But applying your mind
Is the best kept gift
I never slip
From the sweat and the blood
We know how to quit
We learn not to give up
And it’s a battle, man
I won’t lie
People die when drawing up the battle plans
As for me
Not having it
There’s a peace after war
And peace is what I have to get
So will they sink me now?
Not happening
My mind is my fist
My sword, spear and javelin
And when the world’s unraveling
I take up the pen and pad
And keep battling
And while I’m not quite
Rapping yet
Life is a gift
And I’m not done wrapping it

Release

Where I go
Is a
Lonely road
It often seems so hollow
And I don’t want you to follow
After me
It’s on my mind
Every-
Thing behind
I try hard to be strong
With everything that I’ve done wrong
I can’t go home

There was
You and me
Where we
Used to be
Right where I used to kiss you
Now there’s just a simple picture
From years ago
And then
Truthfully
What a
Useless thing
To be stuck here where I miss you
But it did no good to give you
All I owned

Truth be told
I just
Do not know
All my questions have unraveled
So no path is left to travel
That I see
It makes me cold
Down to
My bitter soul
What was the point of the battle
To end up as broken, scattered
Poetry?

Chorus:

It follows me
Like melancholy
Full of angst and anger
I can see the greatest dangers
But can’t flee
No matter how far I go
They chase me
Until they grab ahold
And won’t release

Legend

Just like
The echoes of a legend
Reach forward
From the past to the present
Rise up to fight
Like the peasants
Take the road that’s right
But unpleasant
The struggle is a climb
That brings out the best in
You, and if
You need more proof, then
You could spend a lifetime
Searching for the truth and
Never find it
The scars that reminded
You of all the traps
So keep an open mind when
You take the next step
Hoping for the next breath
Bracing yourself for the news
Of the next death
Some things in life
You accept
And as for the others
You fight for what’s left
Stuck with low hopes
Wonder how the soul copes
Little kids focused on
Problems of the grown folks
Life’s a rumble
We race and we stumble
Reach for the sky
When our troubles make us humble
But never know fear
Hold onto hope here
Now is the time to
Rise and shine so clear

Trust in myths
But we denigrate the gifted
Didn’t pay attention
When the sands shifted
Time will solve and
Rob us of problems
All pay the cost
Of all the lost knowledge
Can we trust
In the future of us
Or live in disgust
Of all that we’re discussing?
Are we the villain
That’s killing the children?
Rather we’d give them
The pathway to wisdom
But ignorance
The disease that we pass on
Lives far beyond us
Even when we’re long gone
Multiplies in the brain
Like a virus
And keeps us enslaved
To the evils inside us
Makes me fear
For the world that survives us
Take a deep breath
And dive for the survivors
And to resist the sickness
Takes the brave
It’s the courage of a fist
That takes us to a grave
So dig two
For me and for you
One for the fallen
And one who didn’t help to
Grab the hand
Show a better plan
Love is the choice
That makes a better man

The map of life
Has pleasures and treasures
Trials where we might
Divine the true measure
Of ourselves
‘Cause we all have tells
Self-made purgatories
Keep us in jails
On top of that
I know we all have tales
Stories we repeated
Whenever we failed
Sacrificed
Though it didn’t feel right
Now we lost more light
And it keeps us up at night
But don’t sweat to death
Because the best is left
And you don’t have to accept
That what you get is less
You can fight for more
‘Cause what you’re fighting for
Is what this life is for
You have a right to more
And through the twists and turns
You have respect to earn
Why is that?
‘Cause the legend is present
We’re on a planet
That soars through the heavens
So don’t ever believe
That you’re irrelevant
Don’t go forgetting yourself
Be like an elephant
We’re the stone and the steel
Of the elements
The hope can be real
It’s a tale and we’re telling it
Every day
Is a new revelation
Hold to the way
Till we see the destination

Monday

Showing up to work
Like an abused kid–
Hungry and tired
And feeling kind of useless
Don’t care at all
But let’s do this
Oh wait, I can’t
I’m still kind of clueless
‘Cause I was waiting
For the bus, see
And a knee in my side’s
What I got from the bus seat
Not sure who to trust–we
Got cops on the side
Of the people killing us,
Oui?
What do I want to do?
Nothing
The boss walking by thinks
That I’m office stuffing
Got some pills from the doc
And I’m nauseated
Even when I eat
All I feel is a stomach aching
Memories coming back
From the past
Of a girl who rejected me
That made me sad
Back then, I guess
That made me mad
Made me write things that
I’d rather take back
Oh, no, I rhymed back twice
Seems about right
Now I’m lacking rhymes–nice
Don’t even know what Monday’s
Named after
Perhaps it’s the god of slavery
And captives

Oh, come on–
It’s not the crack of dawn
I think like an hour ago
Should’ve been gone
But I didn’t really
Sleep right
Well, at least the bed bugs
Managed to eat right
That’s the bane
Of the weeknight
And I envy the people
Lucky enough to sleep tight
I take the steamer
And I kill them
The bugs migrate
From the ceiling like pilgrims
Too many dishes in the sink
But I think
I just cleaned it out
A day ago or something
School hasn’t even
Started yet
So I haven’t even seen
The extent of how hard it gets
The bills are paid
And I’m near broke
When I see how fast
The cash goes, it’s a real joke
At least I haven’t been killed, though
I haven’t had time
To draw up my will, so
I don’t know who would get
All my stuff
But then, I don’t care
If I’m pushing flowers up
Hmm, maybe
That one was kind of morose
I’ve got food and shelter
And plenty of clothes
Even got a few
Television shows
Some still sitting in plastic
Kind of tragic
But I promise I won’t
Stay up laughing
It’s midnight again?
But how did that happen?

Dog tired
Can’t wait to retire
But after that afraid
I’m waiting to expire
Every day
Expecting to be fired
And for every new task
Another two required
Problem is
Can’t afford to get home
The fees for the bus, man
They crush like big loans
You go for broke
When you do the right thing
Holding onto hope
In these days is frightening
I take solace in my writing
But the words can’t fill
The hole there inside me
My wife says I’m about
Broken promises
Someone so small
With a void so bottomless
I could write up
A problem list
From the rent going up
To me asking if God exists
And if he’d even
Acknowledge it
I’m missing old friends
From the days of colleges
Wondering if the one
Passed me by
Added to the pile
With yet another lie
Fall into bed
Without even saying ‘good night’
Dreams in my head
With the echoes of a past life
Won’t be long
Till I hit the Snooze button
I think I hit it twice
But it always seems to do nothing
Don’t use no double negatives
On Monday
That would mean that two bad things
Happened in one day

The Dregs

I took a couple steps down
In the middle class
‘Cause a family of four
Scrapes by on a little cash
So broke that
The neighborhood Dollar Tree
Has become a part
Of my grocery shopping policy
So, the good thing is
I still manage to eat
But the PBJ has now
Replaced the lunch meat
My brunch thing
Is a Pop Tart if I’m lucky
It’s not even the brand name–
Toast-‘Ems or something
Redbox and Netflix
For movies
But can’t even chill with my wife
‘Cause of disputing
And it’s stupid
Sometimes I feel lucid
But most of the time I’m around,
I feel useless
And the future is fruitless
I’ve only got one life
And yet about to lose it
Come to grips
With my own mortality
And haven’t even figured out
A sense of morality
It’s the dregs

Dregs got me
Dragging me down
Not going to beg
Got to scrape on the ground
It’s the dregs
Dregs got me
Dragging me down
Not going to bed
‘Cause there’s more to do now
It’s the dregs

“One day,”
My wife said, “I’ll be gone,
And it’ll be just
You and your stuff to look upon.
You won’t have to deal with
None of my complaining
When I want to go to bed
And you’re still up gaming.”
Wanted to think it was
An idle threat
Until she said it once more
When we were washing at the laundromat
And then I’m nervous
When I see her texting
Is she talking to someone
That she wants to go get with?
Man, forget this
Shouldn’t have bought that cheap necklace
It was poor taste
And didn’t belong on the checklist
But when you’re broke,
What else can you do?
You try to get a gift
But your wallet only hurts you
Like freshly cut hair
On your shirts do
Or desserts do
When your diabetic thirst is due
And the first crew
Is looking at you like your shirt’s due
It’s worse, too
When you have to keep a curfew
And bed bugs ain’t
Letting you sleep
Alcohol rubs at ninety percent
To kill them creeps
It’s the dregs

Dregs got me
Dragging me down
Not going to beg
Got to scrape on the ground
It’s the dregs
Dregs got me
Dragging me down
Not going to bed
‘Cause there’s more to do now
It’s the dregs

Can’t get upset
‘Cause life isn’t done yet
Crammed on the bus asking
Are we having fun yet?
I’ve got more mice at work
Than at home
But on those quiet nights at least
I won’t be alone
Seeing mouse droppings
All across my desktop
Maybe I should catch ’em
And open up a pet shop–
Ew! Never mind,
That’s disgusting
They set up some traps
But the traps do nothing
Anyway, the pain is different
Every day
Pain in my feet and my back
Won’t go away
And that’s apart from the pain
In my soul
From the places that I’ve been
And the people being cold
And then I’m seeing
My parents are getting old
I don’t know how to deal with it
When they have to go
And I can’t even chat
With my bro
He’s been shunning me for years since
I left out of the cult
And all my yearning
Is poured into my journal
The loves and the hates
And the thoughts that’d disturb ’em
All those people I don’t call
I hurt ’em
But there’s nothing else left to do
I don’t deserve ’em
In the dregs

Dregs got me
Dragging me down
Not going to beg
Got to scrape on the ground
It’s the dregs
Dregs got me
Dragging me down
Not going to bed
‘Cause there’s more to do now
It’s the dregs
Dregs got me
Dragging me down
Not going to beg
Got to scrape on the ground
It’s the dregs
Dregs got me
Dragging me down
And what in the heck
Am I going to do now?
It’s the dregs

“Defense – Part 2” or “Second Line of Defense” (A Rap)

Check it out
Man, this rhyme is tense
It’s Defense Part Two
Or Second Line of Defense
Check it out
Man, this rhyme is sense
It’s Defense Part Two
My Second Line of Defense

A small fighter
Should be able to penetrate
But all these fake people
Make me want to defenestrate
Helping them?
Not even on a healthy whim
Back when I had felt for them
Regret it that I dealt with them
Like people that always want a cushion
Quit working
I hate it when trifling girls are flirting
And then act all scatterbrained
And battering
With foul words and borderline
Attacking me
They’re histrionic and plague me
Like bubonic
One of them was smart
And the other was hooked on phonics
‘Why you hatin’?
You were the one that dated them.’
Yeah, and I regret it
‘Cause I was the one betrayed by them
Instead of saved by them
Having better days by them
It didn’t happen
All I really got was played by them
Y’all should have never touched
My Wii Remote
Because the only thing you’ve done
Is deprive me of my hope
Sort of funny
The next dude had more money
And yet you felt a need to call me
‘Bout it, honey?
Well, it’s not exactly breaking news
So take your shoes
And walk ’em back
And stay in your room
I paid my dues
I’m not the type to make a bruise
But I’ve done it now
Look at what you made me do

Check it out
Man, this rhyme is tense
It’s Defense Part Two
Or Second Line of Defense
Check it out
Man, this rhyme is sense
It’s Defense Part Two
My Second Line of Defense

I hate the traffic
I’m sick of all the havoc
And people honking horns at me
Like it’s a habit
There’s two lanes
The slow lane and the go lane
You want to burn like propane,
Signal and then go, man!
Let me explain:
You’re not paying insurance
On my behalf–
Unless perhaps you want to do it?
So all I’m asking is
Don’t cause an accident
Just because you want to get there
A little faster than
The speed limit
You mash your feet in it
It says ‘Photo Enforced’
And it’s like you don’t believe in it
I’m trying to turn
And you’re trying to go around me
And nearly cause a crash
For no reason–it’s astounding
Odds are we’d meet up
At the next light
But you keep going on
And we’ll meet up in the next life
You’re driving like
It’s the Fury Road
Make me want to witness you
Like Immortan Joe
Of course you know
That driving is important, so
Try to keep your cool for once
When someone’s going slow
I’d rather know
You didn’t go up in smoke
But go ahead and laugh at me
‘Cause I’m a joke, right?

Check it out
Man, this rhyme is tense
It’s Defense Part Two
Or Second Line of Defense
Check it out
Man, this rhyme is sense
It’s Defense Part Two
My Second Line of Defense

To ease the stress
Maybe I can ride the train
I’m sure the subway
Will really ease the pain
Or maybe the bus
With people acting nuts
Plus they haven’t showered
Since 1941
For all our sakes
Just go jump in a lake
And I mean it literally
I didn’t make a mistake
They haven’t told you
Of this thing called deodorant
You put it under arms
And it helps control the odor, man
Well that’s fine
The evening brings the train line
But then it gets delayed
And eats up all the other time
So then I get off
And miss the bus
And lose a half hour
Just trying not to cuss
And then they pack us in
Like it’s the Amistad
And people cursing at you
For bumping them?  It’s kinda odd
And there’s the folks
Who want to let us know
What kind of song they’ve got
That’s blasting out their headphones
No thanks–
I’m just trying to read
I don’t need to hear these fools
Rap about their weed
And speaking of
This quasi-legal substance
It stinks
I want to cover my nose and then smother it
But twenty minutes of stench
As I wait
I don’t even know how these dudes
Can get a date
‘Cause I know women have a
Strong sense of smell
Oh well
I guess it’s back to the bus-slash-prison cell

Check it out
Man, this rhyme is tense
It’s Defense Part Two
Or Second Line of Defense
Check it out
Man, this rhyme is sense
It’s Defense Part Two
My Second Line of Defense

See, this is why
I don’t want to be around folks
My human interaction
Consists of maybe downloads
Or a handful of tweets
During the day
And that’s assuming Twitter
Is actually going my way
As a man
I’m robotic
With this pen
I’m hypnotic
Or then again, I can’t win–
I’m psychotic
I opened up my brain to vent
Because I got it
The anger shows the pain within
About the nonsense
I’m trying to understand
What has caused this
And maybe along the way
Drop some knowledge
But then it sickens me
Blood pressure quickening
As people scream for Donald Trump
The plot’s thickening
We’re all as safe as
Jurassic World
And I can only dare to guess
At what the future will hurl
No biggie, I’ll hold its hair
As it vomits
And I’ll still continue believing
The same concepts:
One, people are capable
Of the worst
Two, people will say anything
Just to hurt you
Three, people are just great
At deserting you
Four, people are hateful
And don’t deserve you
Five, people are Satan
They’ve usurped him
Six, people have no problem
With serving him
Seven, people are perfectly
Absurd
Eight, people are getting
On my nerves
Nine, people are heading
Towards their end
Ten, no people are left
To call a friend
And all that’s
A sad way to live
I guess this rap blogging
Is all I have to give

Check it out
Man, this rhyme is tense
It’s Defense Part Two
Or Second Line of Defense
Check it out
Man, this rhyme is sense
It’s Defense Part Two
My Second Line of Defense