Tag Archives: Love

Picture (Part 3)

I never could seem to
Find the right place for you
Whether beside me
Or eight hundred miles gone so soon
I’m never forgetting
The smell of your hair and your skin
The taste of you heavy
And yet I would still drink you in

So why would you throw
The old picture away
From when you were gone
When you weren’t going to stay?
Is that why you’d throw
The old picture away,
Because it’s all wrong
And never the same?

It’s either you’re running
Or fighting as hard as you can
It’s ether, like nothing
When you pull your disappearance
You don’t have to approach me
With a sword and a shield
I’m broken and hoping
Together we’d learn how to heal

So why would you throw
The old picture away
From when you were gone
When you weren’t going to stay?
Is that why you’d throw
The old picture away,
Because it’s all wrong
And never the same?

You think that
I hate you
Or I’m holding a grudge
Why won’t you
Just let me be
My own judge?
For once I’d
Be grateful
If love is enough
You are the
Only one I’m ever
Thinking of

So why would you throw
The old picture away
From when you were gone
When you weren’t going to stay?
Is that why you’d throw
The old picture away,
Because it’s all wrong
And never the same?

I’m not ashamed to say
That I love you anyway
I’m not a game to play
Not a picture
So please
Don’t throw me away

 

Commentary:

This song just showed up unexpectedly today.  The story behind it is, I happened to bring home a picture of my wife that I’d had on my desk at work, and she removed it from the frame, crumpled it and threw it in the trash.  I was a bit surprised, but she often told me she didn’t like the picture, because she doesn’t like pictures of her by herself.  (Strictly speaking, she wasn’t by herself in the picture; I just liked her smile so much that I cropped out the other person and printed it.)  Some days it was painful to look at her, and maybe that was the real reason I took it off my desk, even though I had other reasons (couldn’t find a spot that made sense to me, given the frame’s size, I’d just rearranged things on the desk, and so on).

In hindsight, I wish I’d hidden the picture, because now it’s gone and I rather liked it.  I could print another one, but maybe that would just show I’d missed the point.  Maybe it means I failed to accept her feelings about this one thing, and if so, isn’t it likely I failed the same way in other aspects of our life together?  And if so, isn’t this song that much worse?

Forgive me for venturing into melancholy, here.  I should be writing a Star Wars rap or something, so…maybe I should work on that instead of whining about my obvious failure as a husband.  Thanks for reading.  *smiles, but it doesn’t reach my eyes*

Whatever, Just Whatever

This crazy game
We just cannot stop losing
This is insane
And its pain is abusing
All of my trust
Is now withered to dust
Because of us
Messing up
Did I want
You too much?

Are we just better
When we’re not together?
I’m still a debtor
To my deep regret, oh
Are we just better
When we’re not together?
Whatever, just whatever

I feel alone
Even when you’re in the room
This was our home
When you left it too soon
This bride and groom
Volunteered to be fools
Drafted into
Wars of words we both lose

Are we just better
When we’re not together?
I’m still a debtor
To my deep regret, oh
Are we just better
When we’re not together?
Whatever, just whatever

It’s empty thoughts
Memories of when we fought
It’s all we’ve got
Is this love
Or is it not?
Promises break
When we don’t do what it takes
Was it a mistake?
Was it real
When you were fake?
Here by ourselves
And pretending as well
How can we tell?
Is it clear that we failed?

Are we just better
When we’re not together?
I’m still a debtor
To my deep regret, oh
Are we just better
When we’re not together?
Whatever, just whatever
Did you do better
When we weren’t together?
All this unsettled
And even at best, oh
We are no better
When we are together
Whatever, just whatever
Just whatever

Commentary:

This was another of those songs that popped into my head right as I was trying to go to sleep, and I said, alright, guess I have to write it down because I won’t remember it in the morning or I’ll lose the feeling, the music of it. It is also based on real feelings. I’ve shared too much on this blog about that, and I know she hates it when I talk about this sort of thing online, worries that I’m seeking to make her look bad. So if I’ve done that, it was not deliberately.

Some days I’m emotional about love and other days I’m thinking, look, it’s not that serious, and the main thing is to eat, sleep, and work, so that we may one day be able to enjoy that movie, book, video game or comic for whatever time is left. And maybe, while we’re at it, try not to do any harm to anyone, or make them too angry, etc. ‘Just basically stay out of the way and watch movies, read books, etc.’ pretty much sums up life for me.

But I’ve spent decades being ashamed of my true feelings and of any number of “bad” things I was afraid of saying or doing. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life that way. I may not be able to share every thought or feeling here, all of what I could say, but I like sharing a part of myself with the larger world out there, even though I’ll never know how many people even noticed. Quiet as I am, even I like to be noticed, sometimes. I am human, after all–I passed the Captcha thing, so that totally proves it. I can identify a grainy picture of a traffic light that seems really subjective, because that’s what humanity is all about. Anyway, thanks for reading.

I Believe in Love (inspired by ‘Wonder Woman’ (2017))

Never have I seen a
Face like yours before and
Never had I dreamed of
One I’d go to war for
I look in your eyes and
I can see the truth of
Everything in me and
Everything that you are

It’s not about deserve or
Who is good enough
I learned that from you and
I believe in love
The last words I heard I’ll
Cherish like your touch
I learned that from you and
I believe in love

Even when I’ve lost all
Faith in what could be, you
Still hold onto hope and
You inspire me
I’ll love you for all time
And your bravery
You showed me what true love is
By doing something

It’s not about deserve or
Who is good enough
I learned that from you and
I believe in love
The last words I heard I’ll
Cherish like your touch
I learned that from you and
I believe in love

I wish we
Had more time
You were once
By my side
Fighting for
Every life
You and I
Crystallized
You and those
Perfect eyes
I know you
Couldn’t lie
For the truth
Is that I’ve
Loved you for
My whole life
Even through
Centuries
We are still
Meant to be
There is no
Enemy
That can keep
You from me

It’s not about deserve or
Who is good enough
I learned that from you and
I believe in love
The last words I heard I’ll
Cherish like your touch
I learned that from you and
I believe in love

 

Commentary:

I suddenly remembered some of the music I’d toyed around with in my head, sort of slowing down the Wonder Woman theme from the 2017 film (originating with the Junkie XL/Hans Zimmer Batman v Superman soundtrack), and it occurred to me how beautiful it can sound if you soften it a bit. It easily becomes a love theme, if you can imagine it. I really do need to learn to play the piano someday.

I had this mental image of a scene sort of like from the 1978 Superman film, with that music playing and Diana and Steve flying through the air. I’d never given thought to putting words to it, but it hit me today that I could, so I gave it a try. Maybe I’m just in a DC Comics/DCEU mood lately, with Aquaman just coming out on Blu-ray/DVD/4K UHD/Digital (shameless free advertising, sorry about that). Plus I felt a little emotional today, so it was a matter of time before a song showed up. Thanks for reading.

You Gave Him Everything

I cried myself to sleep
But not from lack of crying
I still think about you and him
Instead of me
Ahead of me
He’ll always be
I try
To forgive
But here
Must I live
This way?

It feels like you would run to him
What was it that you’d done to him?
Was it fun with him
And not me?
You gave him everything

I gave a decade of my life
Committed all to you, my wife
But you took that and walked away
And still that day
Doesn’t go away
I can hear you say
You won’t
Come back
But then
In fact
You stab
Attack
Here I bleed
And still here when you need
I ask, why should I be?

It feels like you would run to him
What was it that you’d done to him?
Was it fun with him
And not me?
You gave him everything

If he showed you what love is
Did he change diapers on the kids?
Did he ever wash any dish?
Grant any wish?
Or was he just rich?
If he showed you what love is
Did you tear his heart out just the same?
Did you beat him at the lying game?
It’s a crying shame
And you haven’t changed
That’s why I’m still in pain

It feels like you would run to him
What was it that you’d done to him?
Was it fun with him
And not me?
You gave him everything
What’s left to give to me?

 

Commentary:

I was just trying to sleep, and got to thinking about some painful things and crying a bit.  It’s been a stressful week.  Maybe it’s unhealthy to post online about something this personal.  But maybe I have myself to blame, anyway, for everything.  It made for an interesting, emotional song, but it’s probably best to just let it speak for itself.  Thanks for reading.

Valentine, Stay

Can I confess
My loneliness to you?
I’m thinking yes
To everything you want to do
I’ve waited here
Holding onto dreams of us
And now it’s time
I’m reaching out to offer you my trust

Today
You’re my Valentine
Today
I want you to be mine
Today
I’m in love with you
You’ve struck me right
There through the heart
Now what you’re going to do
Is stay

I couldn’t sleep
But when I dreamed
I held you hand in hand
I want to be
Your everything
Beside you I would stand
Through hardest days
And longest ways
That life so often has
I’m here to say
We’ll be okay
Until the storm has passed

Today
You’re my Valentine
Today
I want you to be mine
Today
I’m in love with you
You’ve struck me right
There through the heart
Now what you’re going to do
Is stay

And no more tears
On Valentine’s
It’s no longer one day
Now that you’re here
Now that you’re mine
It’s called Valentine, Stay
So wipe your eyes
Or better yet
I’ll do it for you
I’ll cherish every
Breath of time
Like drops of morning dew

Today
You’re my Valentine
Today
I want you to be mine
Today
I’m in love with you
You’ve struck me right
There through the heart
Now what you’re going to do
Is stay

Commentary:

This song is somewhat following the idea of my previous song, a hypothetical love song to me by someone hypothetically/implausibly fascinated by me.  I’m uncomfortable tagging it or writing it as a Valentine’s Day song, as that’s not something I’m into.  But maybe I’m trying something new by exploring it in my writing.

Would I want for my wife to feel this way about me?  I’m not even sure I could say yes. Self-esteem factors in, there.  How could anyone ever feel like that about someone like me?  I don’t think I’d want to believe it.  I think it would scare me.  It feels almost sinful, using the term loosely, to want to be cherished like they sing about in the songs.  To truly be seen.  Must be nice.  But not very practical or rational.

But there’s the problem of, quite simply, “What do I deserve?”  I’ve wrestled with that for decades now.  Perhaps such writings are cathartic, in a way.  It’s easier to write about it, and then turn that feeling off, deal with reality.  I’ve been afraid of that, of being receptive to love, and so it probably led me to think, well, I don’t deserve it.  I doubt anyone’s here for the commentary, so…enough of that. Thanks for reading.

A Valentine To Myself

I’m jealous
So very jealous
Of every kiss I see
Saying, “I wish
There was a kiss
Just like this, meant for me.”
Helpless
So very helpless
The day I saw that she
Had some flowers
And some candy
And then she said to me,
“Who’s
Your Valentine?”
And I could never say
She was mine
‘Cause half the time
My heart got in the way
But that’s the problem
Within the sorrow
I forgot where love begins
If you start it
You cannot borrow
It comes from deep within

Draw hearts
Around my heart
For every time I fell
With a card
I will start
A Valentine to myself
Draw hearts
Around my heart
For every time I’ve failed
Write a card
Although it’s hard
A Valentine to myself

It’s painful
When Cupid aims for
Everyone but me
But shameful
Never changed, so
The bed is still empty
I’d shower
Her with flowers
But I still can’t forget
About the orchids
Laying broken
From the day she left
You can’t solve it
With lots of chocolate
Bathed in shiny red
As is often the case
We’ve forgotten to say
Who we should love the best
But that’s the problem
With the sorrow
It’s why I never win
From the start been
Brokenhearted
And buried deep within

Draw hearts
Around my heart
For every time I fell
With a card
I will start
A Valentine to myself
Draw hearts
Around my heart
For every time I’ve failed
Write a card
Although it’s hard
A Valentine to myself

No one told me
I’d be so lonely
In a crowded room
“Oh, if only
She could hold me”–
It’s the same old tune
And love
Is but a bluff
When your hand is empty
It’s tough
And not enough
To ease the pain that’s in me
If even half
Of what I have
Was given back in loving
Maybe that
Would in fact
Leave me wanting for nothing

Draw hearts
Around my heart
For every time I fell
With a card
I will start
A Valentine to myself
Draw hearts
Around my heart
For every time I’ve failed
Write a card
Although it’s hard
A Valentine to myself

 
Commentary:

I’m not sure I like this song as much as I wanted to when I had the idea for it, but I tried. Might be worth trying again sometime. Well, the chorus I like, but I have doubts about the rest.

It came from this thought I had, because I have hated Valentine’s Day for more than 20 years. I referenced a moment in my life when I saw someone I had a crush on with candy and balloons from everyone else, but I wasn’t supposed to celebrate Valentine’s Day (“a good story,” as Maz Kanata once said, “for another time”), so I couldn’t give her anything.

I’ve never really experienced it for myself, and…this year I had a thought, “What if I just buy something and write a Valentine to myself?” What if I could pretend to love myself the way I always imagined it would feel like? What would I say? I don’t know.

It’s strange that I should even have the thought, as it hasn’t mattered in all this time. Or at least I’ve done my best to ignore it, call it “Singles Awareness Day”, or something like that. I’m not alone anymore, but I still don’t get to wake up next to the person I’m sharing my life with. It’s complicated? Am I asking you, or telling you? It’s complicated. Anyway, thanks for reading.

Snake Plant

Such a little thing
But given room to grow
Add a little dirt and light
And how far will it go?
It seemed so innocent
So I just let it lie
Like the places that you went
When you left me behind
Are stuck inside my mind

You
And your plant
Deserve each other
You
And your plant
Deserve each other
It’s a snake plant
You’re a snake and
It’s a snake plant
You’re a snake and
It’s a snake plant

It grew out of my words
Or so that’s what I’ve heard
If I called that absurd
Then you would be disturbed
I’m sorry that I don’t
Go places that you won’t
Even hesitate to go
Like leaving me alone
Roots ripped out of my soul

You
And your plant
Deserve each other
You
And your plant
Deserve each other
It’s a snake plant
You’re a snake and
It’s a snake plant
You’re a snake and
It’s a snake plant

I’m trying not to say
That I am in your way
You say you’re here to stay
Right after you betray
I’m still finding my place
If we’re planted in a space
Our love to cultivate
It may not be too late
But what’s lying in wait?

Do you
And your plant
Deserve each other?
Renew
What we have
And deserve each other?
With a snake plant
Am I safe yet?
With the snake plant
For today, yeah
It’s a snake plant
Commentary:

I know nothing about snake plants, and I would guess they’re a good thing in spite of the name. The idea just popped into my head for the song, as I was thinking about the snake plant my wife bought, and I thought it was funny/cheeky, so I couldn’t resist writing it.  (It’s probably quite terrible, from a different perspective, so…sorry, I guess?) It’s somewhat inspired by real feelings, but I’m actually in a pretty good place right now emotionally (compared to 2016/2017, I suppose), so it was admittedly a little tongue-in-cheek, perhaps a bit inspired by the old Taylor Swift (who, as I understand it, is no longer with us, according to ‘Reputation’ Taylor Swift, or would it be TS 2.0, or…? I’m too old to say). Anyway, thanks for reading. I’ve been writing an actual book, but I’m only 52 pages in, so…maybe one day I’ll drop an excerpt or two, see if it gets that 1 Like that I crave more than air (sarcasm).

Doubt Me

I’d wish you all the best
Fight for your happiness
If you think any less
Here’s what you should expect
You’re why I still hold on
I have no one else left
To keep me feeling strong
At least no one I’ve met
I’ve dreamed of you
I’m terrified
That losing you
Would cross my mind
It reaches still
So deep inside
It’s always real
You’ll always find
Me here
It’s truly sincere

I wonder what I’ve done
To give you cause to doubt me
Or think that what I want
Is you living without me
I wonder what I’ve done
To give you cause to doubt me
You’re not just anyone
I’d live for you devoutly

You don’t know what it means
That I come home to you
With all that I have seen
All that I’m going through
I feel like I can breathe
Because you are my air
Because when you did leave
I found nothing else there
In need of you
I’m terrified
I won’t have you
Right by my side
Believe me, you
Are qualified
To be my true
And only bride
When you’re here
I don’t have to fear

I wonder what I’ve done
To give you cause to doubt me
Or think that what I want
Is you living without me
I wonder what I’ve done
To give you cause to doubt me
You’re not just anyone
I’d live for you devoutly

These other men
May come and go
But I’m the one who stayed
And when you went
Somewhere unknown
I often was awake
I used to see you lying there
Bathed in the morning’s light
Then it was me just crying there
Afraid to sleep at night
You’re not just filling up a space
A hole inside my home
You’re why my every future faced
Is never done alone
So why don’t you believe me
When I say I love you so?
Because I didn’t say it when
You needed it the most
And I’m sorry
If you’ve moved beyond me
And if possibly
You never really saw me

I wonder what I’ve done
To give you cause to doubt me
Or think that what I want
Is you living without me
I wonder what I’ve done
To give you cause to doubt me
You’re not just anyone
I’d live for you devoutly

A Dream Like You

You looked at me
Like no one ever had
You stood with me
Through all the good and bad
I’d throw away
Whatever is behind us
As you’re today
We’ll let tomorrow find us

I never knew
A dream like you comes true
Forever you
I live to be yours too
I never knew
A dream like you comes true
I’ll never lose
As long as I’m with you

I feel alive
When you are in my arms
And all my life
Belongs with where you are
No matter what
Our path may leave us with
I know our love
Is a when and not an if

I never knew
A dream like you comes true
Forever you
I live to be yours too
I never knew
A dream like you comes true
I’ll never lose
As long as I’m with you

With each day’s ending
Is a new beginning
I’m glad I’m living
To spend each one with you
Love is forgiving
And always giving
All since you’re willing
To spend yours with me too

I never knew
A dream like you comes true
Forever you
I live to be yours too
I never knew
A dream like you comes true
I’ll never lose
As long as I’m with you

‘You Told Me Your Name’ or ‘I Dreamed of a Girl’

I’ve only ever seen you
In a dream of mine
Inside my mind
A lonely and buried place
That I had to hide
Like stolen time
You told me your name
And made up a lame excuse
But we both knew
When our hands first met
We felt electricity
Of me and you

You told me your name
Your hair was in curls
Blue jeans and big glasses
I dreamed of a girl

You said you’d come home with me
And I wondered how
It would go down
I’m not there alone
I can’t be who you want right now
I hadn’t found
The right words to say before
You disappeared
You were right here
Lost now in the crowd
A sea of my hopes and fears
But you were near me

You told me your name
Your hair was in curls
Blue jeans and big glasses
I dreamed of a girl

It was only a dream
What did it mean?
What could it be?
I should feel guilty
But I don’t
Because then I could hope
And I wasn’t alone
I just want you to know
That if you’re ever
In a crowd
And you can say my name
Out loud
I would come for you
Do whatever you want to do

You told me your name
Your hair was in curls
Blue jeans and big glasses
I dreamed of a girl

 

Commentary:

Yes, the song is inspired by a real dream I had, but things have changed a lot lately.  My family is back together again, so I am not alone anymore.  I can’t control what I dream about, and maybe it’s a bad thing to have a dream like that.  I don’t want to turn this into a journal entry about my relationship, though.

It is still in the early stages of rebuilding, and seems mostly like having an attractive, friendly roommate.  No harm in that, I guess.  I do worry about it, to be honest–the dream, I mean, though the marriage certainly has its own share of worries.

It isn’t the only dream of that sort I’ve been having lately, so I think there is something unfulfilled brewing inside my brain.  Hopefully it’s not a harbinger of any bad decisions.  I’m doing my best to stay to myself, so it should work out fine.

Anyway, at least in the dream state, detached from reality, the excitement of it does have an appeal.  I am human, after all.  But that’s not what love is.  From what I can tell, it mostly involves a lot of dishes, and not nearly as much sleep as I’d prefer.  Love is dishes?  Hmm.  Would be a weird song.  But thanks for reading.