Tag Archives: Movies

…To The Last Jedi…Rap

Skywalker has vanished
Like a planet
When resources are
I can’t handle it
Take to the space lanes
And canvas
Till a map is found and returned
With safe handling
These are the first steps
Now we’re left to guess
The last two years
Have put me to the test
I’m stressed
Speculation, confession
Is he the last?
Is that the wrong question?
Let the past die
Kill it if you have to
Rhymes like this
Need fresh beats to rap to
I’m being torn apart
By the sorrow
He would have disappointed you–
You follow?
Two years
The wait ends tomorrow
I have great faith so
Don’t get me wrongo
They liked it so much
They gave him three more
Tickets sold out
Like Porgs in the store

Now go
Oversee preparations
The Last Jedi rap
Will sweep across nations
This is the end for you
The Last Jedi rap
Is here to make a statement

Is Rey a scavenger
Who was abandoned,
Or is she someone who’s
More than we imagined?
What does it mean
That there’s been an awakening?
Does that mean we shouldn’t expect
All of the same things?
Who is Snoke
And why does he look injured?
And will there be some
Knights of Ren action figures?
Are there slot machines
At Canto Bight?
More likely than not
Your Snoke theory is right–
From a certain point of view
If you believe that
Even if the truth is
Your theory is karabast
Even so, you’re charming
To the last
Episode VIII
Will rake in the cash
And all the fans catching
Personal feelings
About their franchises
Well, here is the real thing
Too proud of your
Technological terrors
But when you fight the Force
You’ll end up as failures

More questions left here
Than answers
Avoiding the Internet
Because it’s cancer
No tweets or news
And no YouTube
Spoilers could be hiding
In sofas like it was Blue’s Clues
Going radio silent
Reading books
Scared to even mention the film
It’s not a good look
And don’t make
A stranger mad–
They’ll tell you the ending,
Even if you didn’t ask
But there’s too much fun
To be had
Luke is the man
With the beard and the bag
And he is present at last
Before Xmas
One last movie is left
On every checklist
And so our strategy
Must now change
At last we reveal ourselves
When we’re in close range
Leading them to
The Last Jedi
Delusions of grandeur
Are soon to be realized
But the approach
Will not be easy
There’ll be haters out there
Desiring to squeeze me
But you must realize
You are doomed
Because The Last Jedi night
Is coming, quite soon

B.A.S.S. (Bracelets, Armor, Sword and Shield) – inspired by Wonder Woman (2017)

Step to the mic
Sword and shield
The battle will not be fair
So never yield
Great power concealed
In twin bracelets
They never break
So there won’t be replacements
Can’t trust in men
We’ll stay safer here
Never let ’em in
That rule is very clear
Like our water
Keep the isle in order
A man washes up on the shore–
On our borders
Bringing news
Of a Great War
Mankind in danger
Like never before
Only the worthy can
Take the sword
Like Excalibur
One woman has the talent for it

Sword and Shield
June 2nd
Wonder Woman will be revealed
So long
Finally it’s real
June 2nd
Wonder Woman will be revealed

Sweep the leg
Like karate, kid
In slow motion
Drop you with a body kick
I stop bullets
With the flick of a wrist
Twice as good so that
No one else is questioning this
So raise your fists
It’s too late for mansplaining
And when the fight ends
It’s Wonder Woman remaining
And every night I’m training
A warrior’s gift
Comes from pain that I’m gaining
Achieve mastery
Prevent all catastrophe
Gods in the heavens
And below still mad at me
I take haters
And I’m ready for more
All these keyboard warriors
Aren’t ready for war

Sword and Shield
June 2nd
Wonder Woman will be revealed
So long
Finally it’s real
June 2nd
Wonder Woman will be revealed

On June 2nd
I’ll provide the proof
So trust that what I do
Is not decided by you
Hanging my head
At how low they stoop
I disprove you fools
With the Lasso of Truth
Looking like I found
Fountains of youth
‘Cause I’m timeless
Haters realizing I’m finest
Walked away from
A century of horrors
School of Hard Knocks
I graduated with honors
And even scholars
Tell stories so fake
I would know–I was there
I spotted all the mistakes
Man made a world
Where we’re divided
When the foe arrives
They’ll find us united
Before that
It all starts with me
Wonder Woman leads the charge
To the victory
Shall we?

Sword and Shield
June 2nd
Wonder Woman will be revealed
So long
Finally it’s real
June 2nd
Wonder Woman will be revealed

“Tell That to Zod’s Snapped Neck”

Deployed the World Engine
Now the world’s ending
They’re about to be rubble
I wasn’t expecting trouble from
A dude in a red cape
Suddenly got a neck ache
Shrugged it off–
Born a soldier, I’m a heavyweight
Things didn’t turn out
Like I was hoping
With Kal about to drown
In the Indian Ocean
He’s recharged
And looking for more targets
Metropolis and Gotham are
Madison Square Garden
Hey, Kal
Sorry about your mom
If you destroy this ship,
You destroy Krypton!
He thinks about it
And I think he understands
Until he goes and says:
“Krypton had its chance!”
Then he attacks
And now I’ve got whiplash
No embryos
I’m about to see my ship crash
As the city is demolished
Beneath me
I see a man driving
In an SUV, he
Looks up in rage
As I smash up his satellite
Fists are flying
And now I’ve got to battle right
We’re deadlocked
Kal’s got me in a headlock
Oh no–
It’s actually a choke hold
Heat vision
And it’s last respects
For the family ahead
Until he snaps my neck

Whenever people
Offer disrespect
They can go ahead and
Tell that to Zod’s snapped neck
You see, it’s all about
The disconnect
You can tell that to Zod’s snapped neck

My vision blurs
As I hit the floor
And I feel the kind of pain
I’ve never felt before
And I was beaten
By a farmer and a scientist
Born a soldier?
Now I see what the science did
What good’s my skill set?
Kal hasn’t been killed yet
I feel that–
Plus my neck hasn’t been healed yet
So you can feel free
To tell it to my neck
It’s already been snapped
So it makes no difference
You can tell it about
Your wife and kids
You can tell it all the things
That are none of your business
You can tell it’s
A big running gag
From a twenty minute script
People think that it’s bad
But I don’t mind
Get a giggle everytime
Maybe I’m the only one
And I’m out of my mind
But then again
I did feel my neck snap
The wave of the pain
Could delay the new Lex app
But right now
I have my own theme song
Neck snapping back and forth
Like it’s ping-pong
You think my movie’s bad?
Well you can dream on
Stuckmann has proved
He could rewrite a scene on
Social media
It hit like a meteor
Or like a neck snapping
In a crowded, dark theater
And so it’s sad–
The kind of life you’ve got
Excuse me–I think I’m going to need
Some IcyHot

Whenever people
Offer disrespect
They can go ahead and
Tell that to Zod’s snapped neck
You see, it’s all about
The disconnect
You can tell that to Zod’s snapped neck

Superman killed me
They built him a statue
I’m wearing flippers
Getting stuck in a bathroom
And they compared me
To Lord of the Rings?
Tell that to Zod’s snapped neck
You fiends
You’re not required
To like Zack Snyder–
Who makes eight-fifty mill
And gets fired?
You’ll be declaring his doomsday
Till Tuesday
Then lining up
For Ultimate Cut Blu-Rays
Unlike Stuckmann
You’re out of luck, man
Neck’s messed up
In a bag zipping up, man
You’re having Knightmares
Of me standing right there
Picking the mask off your face
Like a ripe pear
And devils don’t come
From the sky
They hate like the Rotten Tomatoes
Do online
It’s a consensus
How their rage is pent up
All out of shape
Over movies, getting bent up
The requests
Mean a smashing success
The movie that millions
Of people have selected
And if it’s something
That you can’t accept
Then you can go tell that
To Zod’s snapped neck

Whenever people
Offer disrespect
They can go ahead and
Tell that to Zod’s snapped neck
You see, it’s all about
The disconnect
You can tell that to Zod’s snapped neck

Hey, come on now–
What did you expect?
Go bounce like bad checks
Or baskets of magnets
If I unfollowed
Or blocked you in sadness
It’s because you’re hating
And I just wasn’t having it
Wondering why?
‘Cause it’s not in my habit
To waste all my time
In a mood like Batman
Sorry folks
If you want to act savage
Then call up Vandal–
He’s the one who likes that
Go figure out
Where your life’s at
Like Victor Fries
Go chill where your wife’s at
And as for me
I’ll stick to where my mic’s at
In the Phantom Zone alone
When I write that
I will find him, Lara–
I will find him!
And if there are raps supreme
I will write them
More than good
The best you can expect
And if not, then
Tell that to Zod’s snapped neck
I hear an echo
Of you on my level
But when the dust settles
You’re down below several
I was trained
To master rap senses
My face is in the dictionary–
Where “intense” is
So whatever you are
Or your intent is
Zod’s snapped neck
Is where it’s all ending

Whenever people
Offer disrespect
They can go ahead and
Tell that to Zod’s snapped neck
You see, it’s all about
The disconnect
You can tell that to Zod’s snapped neck

Not Matt Damon: The Battle of ‘Here’s Baby Too!’ Part 3 & Conclusion

[Another blow to the chest, and Emily lands on her feet. She grabs her wooden sword as Sarah backflips three times, then throws a red fabric that unravels and comes straight at Emily. Emily leaps on top of it and begins to run across it towards Sarah; she runs on top of it, then runs under it, upside down. Reaching Sarah, she raises her sword to strike, and Sarah twists the fabric, catching Emily and delivering her to the ground.]

Emily: Ughf!

[Emily rolls away just in time to avoid a deadly scratch from Sarah’s claws. Sparks appear where she was as Sarah rears back for another slash.]

Sarah: Your beloved boyfriend has already fallen, no doubt. Why fight on?

Emily: …Actually, well—first of all, he’s not my boyfriend. Secondly, you did just attack me. If you hadn’t, we wouldn’t be fighting, I guess.

Sarah: Oh? Oh. Well, then. I’ll stop fighting you. Sorry about that. You’re pretty good, with the uh, ninja thing. Who did you study under?

Emily: It was an 8-week program at a local rec center. I don’t really remember the guy’s name. You just never know when you might need ninjitsu during an early morning run.

Sarah: Yeah, I know. I spent a little time in Hong Kong, myself, learning from a retired sensei. Tell me, did they teach you any Special Moves? You know, to take down an opponent immediately?

Emily: I…don’t think the guy was licensed to teach those. I’m thinking I might try to take a course for that next sum—

Sarah [hyper punches Emily]: SILVERMA-KILL!!

[Emily blocks it just in time, her feet kicking up dust as she slides backwards.]

Emily: What are you doing?!

Sarah: Your defense is strong. But you can only block a Special Move so many times before it knocks you out. [Sarah charges at her.] SILVERMA-KILL! SILVERMA-KILL! SILVERMA-KILL! SILVERMA-[Sarah voice gets lower and slows down] KIIIILL!

[Emily gets hit at last and falls to the ground in slow motion.]


Sarah [dusting her hands off]: You aren’t equipped to beat me. Go home and practice! [Her eyes widen] CONTINUE? No? Game over, then. [Her earpiece chimes.]

Matt[‘s voice in her earpiece]: Sarah, is it done?

Sarah: Yes, it’s done.

Matt: Good. Augustus is not responding to my hails. I have Matthew in custody. Bring Emily to me, then disappear. No one must know you were here.

Sarah: Understood.

[Augustus and Chris trade blows. Fists punch through brick and wood, and make dents in metal. A tangle of bodies crashes through a door. Augustus emerges on top and throws a series of savage punches at Chris.]

Augustus: Still conscious?

Chris: So far. RAAA! [He shoves Augustus off and gets to his feet.]

Augustus [crouching in a wrestler’s stance]: So you’re not entirely soft. But taking a beating is useless without the strength to beat back!

[He throws a right hook. Chris ducks it, then counters with a gut punch. Augustus drops his elbow in a fraction of a second to block it, then gives a vicious straight jab.]

Chris: Augh! [He staggers backwards, then goes to his knees.]

Augustus [flexing his fingers]: Are you prepared to yield?

[Chris turns away, feeling beaten. Just then, a flash of lightning reveals a sledgehammer just within his reach. A glimmer of hope stirs within him, and he slowly reaches for the sledgehammer.]

Chris [feigning defeat]: Yes. I’m prepared to yield.

[Augustus narrows his eyes, wary of a surprise attack.]

Chris: But not to you!

[Chris leaps into the air, holding the sledgehammer high and bringing it down in slow motion as lightning strikes again.]


[A hand catches the sledgehammer mere inches from Augustus’ face.]

Matt: It’s over. The authorities are here. You can still walk away from this. Or better still…

[Matt pulls the hammer suddenly and hits Augustus in the head, knocking him unconscious.]

…you can join me again. You have proven your worth to me.

Chris [glances at Augustus lying on the ground, lowers the hammer]: I don’t…understand.

Matt: It was all a test, Christopher. Don’t you see? He wasn’t worthy to take your place. I’ve dealt with Matthew, and now, I’ve proven to myself that you are as loyal a man as I can find to protect me. Thank you…for all that you’ve done. Your bravery has humbled me. [Matt smiles.] Now let’s go enjoy that premiere, eh?

[Intercom Guard, now promoted to Head of Mental Hospital Security, steps into the building; several flashlights shine behind him.]

Head of Security (HOS): Not so fast. There’s a guy knocked out right there, and a guy standing right there. Now either both are Matt Damon—[shining his flashlight in Matt’s face]—or one of you is an impostor. Either way, I say you both come with me and we settle this up at the hospital. Full eval.

Matt: We could do that. But it’s unnecessary, because I’m Matt Damon. Hey, has anyone told you you look like Jonah Hill?

HOS [smiling and shaking his head]:   Uh, no, no, no. No way. I don’t look like that guy. And we’re not going to play that game. Mr. Damon, or Damensen, you’re coming with me. We have you completely surrounded and my men are trained in the deadly arts of Brazilian jiu-jitsu.

Matt: Seriously? Brazilian? Literally everyone knows that now. Come on, then. Let’s have a round.

HOS [spreads his arms to hold his men back]: No. He’s baiting us, he wants us to fight him so he can have a chance of escape.

Matt: But if I’m not Matt Damon, what are you afraid of? Matthew can’t beat twelve guards.

HOS: Wait…[his phone vibrates]…This YouTube video just went viral. An anonymous user submitted a video of a guy named Matthew Damensen…trying to replace Matt Damon. [He looks up at Matt] I am so sorry, sir. It’s a pleasure to meet you.

Matt: So you just immediately believe the Internet.

HOS: Well…no, not immediately.

Matt: Yeah, immediately. [He smiles.] Admit it, you’re an entertainment news junkie.

HOS [smiles sheepishly]: Okay, well, yeah, maybe a little bit. [He stops smiling] But my duty is clear. You’re coming with me, Matt—

[Shouting is heard behind HOS. He turns to see the source of the commotion.]

Matthew [being held just barely by four guards]: Get off me, you fools! He’s not Matt Damon! I AM! Let go of me! Get off me! Aaaargh! Matthew! Matthew, what did you do to me?

Matt [smiles in satisfaction]: Wouldn’t you like to know?

HOS: Wow. Clearly he’s not Matt Damon. That guy’s nuts. Okay guys, put him under, we’re done here. Matt’s not sick, this impostor is.

Matthew: What? No! NOOO!! This is a mistake! I’M MATT DAMON! I’M MATT DAMON, AAGH! NOOO! NOOO! [He grabs a hand trying to jab him with a needle, but finds his fingers go numb and he feels weak.]

HOS: Hold—hold him! Guys?! Hold him down! Hold him!

[A guard finally jabs Matthew in the side with a needle, and he begins to descend into unconsciousness.]

Matthew [glaring at Matt, speaks with clenched teeth]: I’m going to get you, Matthew. [He spits at Matt.] I’m going to get you… [His breathing, ragged and angry, gradually slows as he drifts into sleep.]

[Matt walks out of the building. Chris spares a final glance at where Augustus lay unconscious. Or at least…where he thought he was… He hurries to catch up to Matt.]

Matt [hurries outside—looking around, he sees Emily unconscious, slumped against the side of a building]: Emily! [He runs over to her, his eyes alert for danger.]

[Emily’s eyes open and she looks around, startled]: Matt…Is it you? Is it you, Matt?

Matt: Yes. Yes, it’s me. Matthew [his voice catches in his throat]…Matthew won’t be bothering you again. He lost touch with himself, and it…it drove him over the edge. But he’s in good hands now. He’ll get the help he needs.

Emily [tears welling up in her eyes]: I loved him. And it’s only now, looking at you, that I realize how much.

Matt: Well, I’m sorry for what he did to you, Emily. And I’m sure…that somewhere in there…he loves you, too.

Emily [putting a hand up to caress his face]: If only…he were as brave and sweet as you.

Matt [stares at her for a long time, his expression almost…a longing…]: I’ve…I’ve got to go. The press will get wind of this, and…

Emily [smiling amorously at him]: I know. I’ll…see you soon?

Matt [his smile torn between joy and hurt]: I’ll…see you soon.

[Later, as Matthew is placed in an ambulance, Chris and Matt watch. A bewildered press snaps photos incessantly.]

Chris: Such a sad man. I wonder what his life was before he ruined it so?

Matt: Well, Chris, that’s for the shrinks to decide. I only wish he’d gotten the help he needed before now.

Chris: And you? How are you?

Matt: Well, he surprised me, I’ll say that. But I’m fine. Nothing a good ice pack can’t cure.

[Chris chuckles.]

Matt: Is Emily done with the police yet? [He nods at Emily from a distance; she smiles shyly.]

Chris: She’s wrapping up, I think. … You care for her, sir. Don’t you?

Matt [his expression turning sad]: More than I thought possible. She’s…a good friend. I feel bad for her, caring for Matthew as she did. But she’ll land on her feet. I’m sure of it. [Folding his arms and turning to face Chris] So, Augustus, huh? That was…interesting. Care to tell me about it?

Chris [wistful]: An old friend…turned enemy. Nothing more to it. He seems to have disappeared in the midst of all the trouble. He hadn’t done anything wrong.

Matt: He was trying to kill you, wasn’t he?

Chris: Well…he plays a little rough. I was in no real danger.

Matt: Mm.

Chris: One question, though. … Was Matthew talking to himself, or was he calling you Matthew?

Matt [stares at Chris for a moment, camera slowly tightens on Matt’s eyes]: One can never say what’s truly going on…in a troubled mind like that. People can convince themselves of anything…[Matt’s eyes flicker…] become whatever they want…if they only believe…


Do Not Mess With Me (A Rap)

I’m normally against
Violent actions
But your rhymes make me
Want to join a violent faction
Become extremist
In the face of your weakness
But you draw fans to you like
Iron Man Extremis
Chasin’ cash like
Horses at the Preakness
Your rhyme science elementary
Like Beakman’s
I’m Neil de Grasse-Tyson
Went to the head of the class
And passed you twice, son
You find yourself in trouble
So say you’re sorry
Before your pitfalls land you in combat
Like Atari
You got a monopoly
On this bored game
Rap traffic’s all backed up
Because of your lane
Pull your pants back up
And cover your shame
And tell your rap peers
Perhaps they should do the same

Do not mess with me
Might have to deal with you
Just sit back, relax, unwind
And let the lyrics thrill you
Do not mess with me
Might have to deal with you
I shouldn’t even have to ask
But sometimes I still do
So chill, dude

I retake the streets
Like Double Dragons
You trash the community
Like double baggin’
Rhymes like you’re using Explorer
Because they’re laggin’
You feature rappers just like you
So they can tag in
And embarrass your skill
Right on the same track
While you sign a new deal
And get a million cash back
Wish I could get a few meals
As easy as that
But I don’t think they still
Want good thoughts in tight tracks
But in no way am I
Master of the game
But I definitely won’t be
Acting like I’m a slave
And usin’ the words
That were slurred against my ancestors
Rather speak English
And make them understand better
But my theme here’s not
Of cold-blooded murder
Of some dude in a movie
Impaled upon a girder
I’m trying to make clear
The fate of rap deserters
Rap’s a maiden–
Folks like you just don’t deserve her

Do not mess with me
Might have to deal with you
Just sit back, relax, unwind
And let the lyrics thrill you
Do not mess with me
Might have to deal with you
I shouldn’t even have to ask
But sometimes I still do
So chill, dude

There has been an awakening
Have you felt it?
They opened the Ark of the Covenant
Faces melted
And he knew that she was Mystique
Because he smelled it
And Galadriel passed the test
But Smeagol failed it
Pop culture references
Become pointless
I’m bent out of shape
Like Reed Richards’ joints did
People harassing the Stiffs
Like they were Peter
His tone of voice accusing Tris
Of being a cheater
So they put ’em in the ring
And he chose to beat her
And Four takes care of her
Just like a leader
I paint a picture of
Still life like Rockwell
My basestar’s ready for war
Like I’m Stockwell
Make enterprise
Fascinating like Combs did
I show up at arenas attacking ’em
Like the clones did
My rhymes are razor sharp
Like throwing axes
They hit the mark
And knock it way off its axis
You see this?
My mike is my BOOMSTICK!
It’s the very tool
That you’ll meet your doom with!
But I digress
I’m here to lighten the stress
Probably not my place
To criticize the dress
Of the artists covered in tattoos
Trying to impress
On the radio ten times over
Like they’re obsessed
But their lyrics sound like
They settled for seventh-best
I could write better rhymes
While seated behind a desk
At a 9 to 5 office
While working on something else
What was on their minds
We really can’t tell
But I know their rhymes need to be flushed
‘Cause what a bad smell

Do not mess with me
Might have to deal with you
Just sit back, relax, unwind
And let the lyrics thrill you
Do not mess with me
Might have to deal with you
I shouldn’t even have to ask
But sometimes I still do
So chill, dude

Maybe rap’s the one
Singing the chorus
So we can bring it back
From the dead like it was Horus
So it can bring forth
Fresh new variety
And give us something
Rappers today are denying me
Make it like it’s back in the day
Like Calliope
Or maybe it’s an honest mistake
Maybe they lied to me
And rap is still fun and exciting
Perhaps it tries to be
But there’s a lot of fighting
Within the rap tribes, I see
But people fight over things
That can be stupid
People fight over seeing
A black stormtrooper
Or whether or not Superman
Is still super
You can save the whole planet
And the survivors will sue you
So these days
Not much can surprise me
And the real rap battle
Is just the one inside me
And so the finger to the throat
Means death
So let’s protect rap
From its last breath
It’s time to step

Do not mess with me
Might have to deal with you
Just sit back, relax, unwind
And let the lyrics thrill you
Do not mess with me
Might have to deal with you
I shouldn’t even have to ask
But sometimes I still do
So chill, dude

(Alternate chorus, deemed too threatening:

Do not mess with me
Might have to kill you
Don’t want to do a violent act
But sometimes I still do
So do not mess with me
Might have to kill you
Don’t want to have to end your life
And turn you into a still dude
A killed dude

…Also, how many movie/TV references did you spot? I almost want to count them!)

Not Matt Damon, Scene V-4: The Battle of ‘Here’s Baby Too!’ Part 2

[On the rooftop…]

Emily: Hold on…someone’s here.

[Emily, wearing all black ninja gear, turns around slowly, scanning the rooftop with her eyes. She sees no one, but hears a terrible cackling, followed by a strange, guttural voice, a woman’s voice.]

Woman’s Voice: Haaaagh…

[The voice laughs again, seeming to come from everywhere. Emily draws her wooden kendo practice sword and readies herself, looking around her. She circles a chimney that bellows steam into the night, her sword held in a defensive guard. A woman’s open palm slams into her back, sending her sprawling into randomly strewn slabs of wood on the ground.]

Emily: Oof!

[She drops her sword and pulls off her hood, turning to face her attacker. Her eyes fill with realization.]

Sarah Silverman [baring her teeth in part grin, part grimace]: Hello, Sarah.
[Sarah points a sharpened claw at her.] I’ve heard so much about you. Let’s cut to the chase. You’ve come to destroy Matt Damon. I wonder if you know the lies you’ve been told? Strange that you can’t recognize that you’re helping your own ex-boyfriend.

Emily [wincing in pain as she tries to stand]: What are you talking about?

Sarah: You believe you’ve rescued Matt Damon, but you’ve only helped the very man you came here to defeat. Didn’t you wonder why he seemed to know you, at the hospital?

Emily [shaking her head]: I don’t believe you.

Sarah: You don’t sound convinced. In the end, it doesn’t matter what you believe. All that matters is who you’re aligned with. And since it’s not Matt Damon, it’s a painful doom for you. RRRAGH!

[Sarah leaps unnaturally high into the air. Emily leaps to meet her…]

[Chris exits the theater by a service door and hurries out to help Emily. He checks his phone. A blinking red dot shows Emily’s location—still on the rooftop a block away. Chris looks around. There is construction going on nearby, and tools are strewn everywhere. A plastic sheet drapes down from a scaffolding. Chris scowls, looking closer. For a moment, he imagined seeing the outline of a man hiding behind the plastic sheet…but there is nothing there. He slows down, his danger sense making hair stand up on the back of his neck. Someone was watching him. No…hunting him. He snaps his head to the right as a monstrous man barrels into him–]

Chris: Oof!

[He slams into a brick wall hard enough to damage the bricks.]


[He gets up, shaking his head to clear it, and sees a familiar face….]

St. John-Smythe…

Augustus [his fists balled]: The very same. How long has it been, Christopher? Seven, eight years? No, don’t answer. I was just a name on a dog tag to you. Wasn’t I? Or don’t you even remember? The Demilitarized Zone?

[Eight Years Before…on the South Korean border…]

Augustus: I’m scouting ahead—I don’t think this is a feint.

Chris: You’re not in command here—we should wait for orders.

Augustus: As we’ve waited for pay these last eight months? We’re not soldiers. We’re mercenaries. On our own. Answerable to the highest bidder. And right now, we don’t appear to have any bidders. In the absence of buyers, all we are is product. Goods on the market.

Chris: Wait.

[He points at a ridge ahead.] Something’s—

[Gunfire erupts around them, forcing them to fall back and find cover.]

Chris: We have to withdraw!

Augustus: I’ll cover you. Go!

[A rocket-powered grenade explodes, the force of it knocking Chris to the ground. He blinks slowly, looking around in a daze, seeing no sign of Augustus.]

Chris [in anguish]: Augustus! Augustus!

[Gunfire erupts again, forcing him to take off running, back toward base…]

[The Present]

Augustus: …I guess that’s what happens when you’re a mercenary among mercenaries. No one’s going to take a risk for you, right?

Chris: I was sure you were dead—

Augustus: Were you? I was sure I saw your boots headed away as fast as they could go. How could you be sure of anything? But you did at least warn the base, regroup with reinforcements. While I got lovely accommodations in a North Korean prison for a year. The spa treatments were actually quite good. You should visit sometime. When you’re not busy as a bodyfraud. Or do you still think you’re guarding Matt Damon? It didn’t strike you as odd that he wasn’t even a little arrogant?

Chris [looking uncertain]: He’s changed. For the better.

Augustus: Ha ha ha ha ha! You really have faith in people. Well, faith has no basis in reality—

[He throws a punch at Chris. Chris blocks it only to get a vicious backhand followed by a snap kick to the ribs.]

—and now, neither do you. Prepare to meet your unreality.

[Meanwhile, inside the theater…]

[A flurry of fists assault Matt Damon, and he blocks them with ease, then gives Matthew an elbow to the chest and an open-handed jab to the exact same spot. Matthew stumbles back, gasping for air.]

Matt [laughing like a younger man]: What did Chris do? Give you a training session? I
[he blocks another attack]
see his
in yours!

[Matt throws a contemptuous uppercut that sends Matthew flying.]

Matthew [landing hard on his back]: Ugh! [He breathes heavily, lying on the carpet.]

Matt [extending his arms wide]: Ready to quit yet? I can give you a body cast to go with that straitjacket if you want. Your choice.

Matthew [getting to his feet]: You stole my life, Matt. Is it because you don’t have one of your own?!

Matt: What, don’t you see it? I was legendary before you even saw your first patient! Matt Damon is synonymous with greatness!

Matthew: But not the man! The actor! The FRAUD!

Matt [charges at Matthew]: Arrrgh!

[He tackles Matthew, then starts pummeling him with punches.]

Matthew [catching Matt’s fist with a hand]: Does this prove you can be anyone you want?

[Matthew laughs bitterly.]

Ha! Not from here, it doesn’t. Dolph Lundgren could do this! Why don’t you go sign up for The Expendables 4? You’re an action star! Nothing more!

Matt [laughs]: Shows what you know.

[He punches Matthew with the other fist.] You think you can get in my head? Not today.

[He knocks Matthew out, then puts him over his shoulder.]

You’ve lost, Matthew. Now to gather up the rest of your merry team, and put an end to this charade.

…To Be Continued, in ‘Not Matt Damon: The Battle of ‘Here’s Baby Too!’: Part 3!

Give It To Me (Vader Edit)

Here’s a Star Wars rap I wrote a long time ago.  I used to blog on the old starwars.com, and I thought I might post this one again, just because I was thinking about it.  It’s sort of taking the music from an old Jay-Z song and approaching it from Darth Vader’s point of view.  So, here we go:


See I’m Vader, baby
And I’ma need you to know
I’m a Jedi hater, baby
So I’ma need you to go
Give it to me
Give me that fleet, that Force,
That flashy ‘saber stuff
It’s my destiny
Dark Lord of the Sith,
I report only to the Emperor

Vadey’s home
I’m back in black
You can send them clones
In a three-pronged attack
Me and Padme
Don’t see eye-to-eye
‘Cause Obi-Wan deceived you
With a pack of lies
That fool’s tryin’ to sever
Our family ties
But we could be cruisin’ together
In a family TIE
You like Threepio–
Get your head on straight
Believe me, though
Power is well worth the wait
And to speak of gold
I’m worth more than my weight in it
I’m creepy, cold
And born a Jedi-hatin’ Sith
Lustin’ for vengeance
Don’t know about repentance
I’m the Dark Lord
To whom you pay penance
And if you cross the line
You pay the penalty
You can’t apologize
Though I’m often “accepting”
I got rolls of dough
Got credits a-plenty
The galaxy to me
Is like DC went to Fenty

See I’m Vader, baby
And I’ma need you to know
I’m a Jedi hater, baby
So I’ma need you to go
Give it to me
Give me that fleet, that Force, that flashy ‘saber stuff
No apologies
I’m the best of the best and about to become spectacular

It’s Death Squadron
Burning down your homes
Like you was in a cauldron
Set down on forest moons
Like I was Buzz Aldrin
“Noosh, Vader! [Vader breathing]”
It’s a small step for Sith
But it’s a giant leap for all you Ewoks in this rap game
You try to breathe like me
But y’all just imitatin’
Ain’t no scheme like me
Constantly innovatin’
I’m the metaphorical Jesus
That’s castin’ down Satan
I’m a metaphorical genius
Aboard my battle station
The Death Star’s my home
And all y’all Rebel rappers are just
Scratches on my chrome
Should’ve known better
Than to play with matches on my throne
You might just get burned
With blasters from my clones
I’ll write ‘I wasn’t strong enough’
On your grave stones
You Wookiees growl tough
But you still my slaves, homes

See I’m Vader, baby
And I’ma need you to know
I’m a Jedi hater, baby
So I’ma need you to go
Give it to me
Give me that fleet, that Force, that flashy ‘saber stuff
No apologies
I’m the best of the best and about to become spectacular

And diabolical
Each one of my plans is
Perfectly methodical
Born the son of the Force
And then became prodigal
Me versus Spock?
That’s simply illogical
“The Emperor is not as forgiving as I am”
And your raps can’t make
Half the living that mine can
I’m top alumni,
Imperial Rap Academy
While you standin’ in the crumb line
So you feel mad at me
But I can’t help it
I was born with skills
When moms died, I felt it
I was born to kill
“They’re like animals!
I slaughtered them like animals!”
So hungry for rhymes
They became lyrical cannibals
Hold up,
Let me get some fava beans
And this is what
Being Luke’s father means:
Born to bring order
Trained as a warrior
Game, set, match
And it’s only the first quarter

See I’m Vader, baby (Vader!)
And I’ma need you to know
I’m a Jedi hater, baby
So I’ma need you to go
Give it to me
Give me that fleet, that Force, that flashy ‘saber stuff
It’s my destiny
Dark Lord of the Sith, I report only to the Emperor

Not Matt Damon, Scene V-4: The Battle of Here’s Baby Too!, Part 1–Infiltration

[A red carpet, with the press and adoring fans cordoned off by metal fences, has posted behind it a huge billboard. ‘HERE’S BABY TOO!’ in large red letters is displayed. The picture shows a heavily Photoshopped Matt Damon smiling, a toddler sitting on his shoulders. Beside him, an equally Photoshopped Kate Hudson cradles a baby and stares at it adoringly.]

Reporter: And the stars are out tonight for this red carpet premiere of Here’s Baby Too! Fans of actor Matt Damon are particularly eager to see him make an appearance since his troubling behavior of late. We can only hope he’ll keep his act together long enough to dispel the rumors of his mental breakdown. We’ll just have to wait and see how the night develops…Oh! There’s his Hummer!

[Chris pulls up in his Hummer, wearing his shades and a black suit and tie. Matthew, disguised in a huge beard, bald cap, sunglasses, and an earpiece, gets out, looking around.]

Matthew [wincing at all the camera flashes]: Now I see why they always wear sunglasses.

Chris [speaking to his wrist]: We’re front and center. How’s the perimeter?

Emily [wearing all black ninja gear, perched on a rooftop a block away]: Quiet so far. No sign of Matthew or anyone out of place.

Chris: Copy. Check in every 60 seconds.

[Chris and Matthew walk up to the burly security guards at the theater’s entrance.]

Chris: We’re Matt Damon’s advance security team. [Handing them his ID and badge] My credentials.

Security Guard 18: Of course. Because we certainly don’t bother securing a location before we let expensive people walk in. There could be madmen swarming the theater right now. [He becomes irritated.] Anyway, my sarcasm is lost on you. This way, sir. [He puts out a hand to stop Matthew] Uh, and you are?

Chris: He’s with me.

Security Guard 18: Uh, and he is?

Chris: With me. Mr. Damon prefers that his seat be saved in advance. We are here to do that.

Security Guard 18 [folding two meaty arms]: I thought you were here to provide advance security.

Matthew [ripping off his shades and beard]: I’d really like to see my movie. Would you mind letting us in?

Security Guard 18 [eyes widening, he opens the door]: Uh, sure! Right this way! I didn’t recognize you.

[Chris and Matthew walk into the theater’s cavernous lobby.]

Chris [sighs]: That was a risky move.

Matthew: No, it wasn’t. It was bizarre. Something they’d expect of Matt Damon about now. So when the rea—the fake Matt Damon shows up in typical fashion—

Chris: They’ll think he’s Matthew. Maybe. Or they’ll think you’re the fake and come after us.

Matthew: True. I think I know how to deal with that.

Emily [on radio]: So wait, you guys didn’t have a plan? At all? Just walk up to the door and hope for the best?

Chris: Well, one of us is Matt Damon. Seemed like a pretty solid plan.

Emily: Hold on. Someone’s here.

Matthew: Emily, hold on. I’m coming up there.

Chris [quietly]: Matt, we can’t. Any deviation from our plan—

Matthew: We have no plan, remember?

Chris: If we leave now, we introduce all manner of variables. Not the least of which is the impending arrival of the imposter Matt Damon. Emily—

Matthew: –is my friend.

Chris: I understand. I’ll go. I’ll make sure she’s alright. Stay here, play along as well as you can.

Matthew: And if…he shows up?

Chris: Bring the hammer down, just like I showed you. [He smiles.] You can do it. You’ve earned your way here, Matt. I’ll see you in a few.

[Chris goes back out. Matthew looks around, then goes into the theater. He finds it empty, with no one occupying the seats…but a man in a dark suit stands in front of the movie screen, his back turned.]

Matthew [feeling a growing sense of dread]: Hello?

[Matt Damon turns around, his face gleaming with the mirth of a predator.]

Matt: Well met at last. It’s a testimony to your strength of character that you made it this far, Matthew. But it’s over now. You must know that. No matter what you have done in the last two weeks, you are in no position to challenge me.

Matthew [approaching Matt slowly]: Why are you doing all this? You have everything anyone could want. I’ve read up on you. Award-winning screenwriter, philanthropist, star on the Walk of Fame, beautiful family—why would you do this? Do you think you’ll be loved by everyone after they find out you tried to steal a man’s life?

Matt: Even if you thought to bring a tape recorder or a hidden camera, no one would even believe it. Remember? I was hospitalized. You got obsessed with me, and you put me there. Almost ruined my life. You’re a sick man. A criminal—


Matt: No. According to the video you made—now safely in the hands of the authorities who are already en route—you are. You’re running out of time, Matthew. And you made a mistake coming here. Sooner or later, we all pay for our mistakes.

..To be continued, in ‘The Battle of Here’s Baby Too–Part 2’!

Not Matt Damon, Scene V-3: Premiere Preparations

(This episode’s guest-star: Tom Hardy as “Augustus St. John-Smythe”.)

[Fists and feet hammer Augustus St. John-Smythe until his black gloved hand drops to one knee.]

Augustus: I yield.

Matt: You were beaten before then. But you have some skill. You should be the perfect countermeasure to my former guard.

Augustus: Are you certain he’ll be there?

Matt: It’s his best chance. They’ll all be there.

Augustus: And the woman? Emily? What of her?

Matt: Oh, I’ve got something special planned for her, something she asked for.

Augustus: And this Matthew…he’s a bit of a wild card. No physical skill, but he is a man of the mind. He could be more dangerous than we know.

Matt: I’ll deal with Matthew myself. I’ve already gotten in his head. He’s obsessed with me. So thoroughly empty and unfulfilled in his own life that he has to escape it. His mistake. He’s escaping into my world, you see. A world I control. Tragically, he will learn at the end that there is no escape from Matt Damon. A brazen, public attempt on my life will be thwarted, Matthew will be returned to his insane asylum, and I will emerge looking like the second coming of Robert Downey, Jr.

Augustus: And Matthew Damensen will be destroyed.

Matt: Mm hmm.

Augustus: I’m sorry, I’m just wondering what this accomplishes for you. I mean, you’re already wealthy, well-respected. A legend, some would say.

Matt: Some?

Augustus: Well, let’s be honest here, you’re no Tom Hardy.

Matt: Seriously? Praetor Shinzon? Bane? Eames from ‘Inception’? You’re comparing Tom Hardy to me?

Augustus: Not really. It’d be like apples to apple juice. One’s just not as tough as the other.

Matt: I’m not paying you for your opinion.

Augustus [with just a hint of menace on his face]: Did I get in your head there? My mistake. We all have our insecurities. [He walks up to a speed bag and starts hitting it.]

[Matt throws a towel on the floor and stalks out of the room.]

[Meanwhile, at Chris Helmsley’s gym….]

[Matthew gets thrown to the mat, his breath leaving him.]

Matthew: Oof!

Chris: Come on, Matt! What did they do to you at that place? It’s as if you can no longer fight at all!

Matthew [gasping]: Uh…Let’s…go again…

Chris [offering his hand to Matthew]: Alright. Best ten out of twelve, then?

[A training montage begins, with Matthew jumping rope, attacking a speed bag, battling Chris with two swords, then a quarterstaff, then a sledgehammer. Chris clips him with his own hammer.]

[Chris trains him on sledgehammer technique.]

Chris: One! Up! Hammer down! One! Up! Hammer down!

[Matthew unleashes a series of attacks with the quarterstaff, knocking Chris’ staff out of his hands and sweeping his legs out from under him. Matthew then does a cool action movie pose.]

Chris [breathing hard]: Excellent work, sir! You’ve got it back now! Now fight harder!

[Matthew jumps rope again, then stops, wraps the jump rope around Chris’ hammer as he swings it, then hurls it into the wall. Again they battle with dual swords, and Matthew knocks both blades out of Chris’ hands.]

Chris: Ha! Good! Is that all? Or is there more?!

[Matthew battles Chris with the quarterstaff, disarms him. Chris grabs the quarterstaff, and Matthew does an upward kick that sends him into a flip, and he lands perfectly. Chris hits the mat, blinking away stars.]

Chris: Alright…that’s the Matt I remember…

[Matthew smiles, reaching a hand down to help Chris up.]

Chris: I may have a concussion. But now you are ready. Now you truly are Matt Damon.

[They look at the entrance of the gym. Emily drops to the ground, wearing an all-black ninja outfit.]

Chris: Wha–? How long have you been up there?

Emily: Long enough.

Matthew: Since when are you a ninja?

Emily: It’s just gymnastics, weapons training and martial arts. Big deal. … I’m coming with you.

Chris: Well, no one said otherwise. But you don’t have to fight.

Emily: Matthew is too powerful now for even the two of you to take on alone.

Matthew [barely concealing a smirk]: I’m sure he’d love to hear you say that. No doubt he is mad with power. But we’ll put an end to this. [He puts out his hand.] Together.

[They all put their hands on top of each other’s.]

Chris [smiling]: Together.

Emily [nodding once]: Together.

(…Next time: The finale of Not Matt Damon begins with The Battle of Here’s Baby Too–Part 1!)

Not Matt Damon, Scene V-2: The Interrogation—Mental Hospital, Cafeteria

[Seven security guards flank Dr. Ben Affledge, who is seated in a slumped position. Jason Botmin throws a bucket of water on him. Ben jumps to awareness and a security guard grabs his shoulder and slams him back into the chair.]

Jason [smiling]: Wakey, wakey. Did you have a nice fire drill? You really should check the schedule before you plot to break out one of your celebrity clients. You hack.

Ben: What the shell are you doing to me?

Jason: I’m conducting an investigation.

Ben: Into what? Somebody escaped?

[Jason slaps him. Ben tries to get up, and three guards hold him in the chair.]

Ben: You son of a dish!

Jason: What would that make me—a bowl? Benyamin, you’re in serious trouble. You see, Matt Damon, your patient? He seems to have escaped. Want to know how he did it? No, probably not, right? I don’t need to tell you. Because you already know, don’t you? The problem is, I can’t even verify it, because all the security cameras seem to be out. Huh. Now how did that happen at the same time one of our patients escaped?

Ben: I don’t know. I don’t know what happened.

[Jason slaps him again.]

Jason: That’s the first lie. Want to see what happens when you try lying some more?

Ben: What, are you going to torture me?

Jason: Torture? No. Nope. Just a bit of workplace harassment, that’s all. Consider this part of your exit interview. I’ll be sure to give a good reference to your celebrity friends.

Ben: What is this all about? I blacked out during the fire drill.

Jason: YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS ABOUT! THE SODA GUY! I found you in a pool of your own soda! You let the soda guy in, Matt Damon disappears, and the soda truck is the only way he could have escaped!

Ben [scoffs]: Are you sure? There are lot of other holes in your security here. Who’s to say he didn’t dig a tunnel with a rubber spork?

Jason [turns away, his hands on his hips]: So this is all a game, huh?

Ben: Yup. [He smiles] And the best man won.

Jason [turns around, stalks up to Ben and grabs his shirt]: You..are…fired, Dr. Affledge. But this doesn’t have to get any uglier.

Intercom Guard: Sir! This just came up on Twitter. [He looks from his phone to Jason with concern.] Matt Damon just had a press conference.

Jason [rubs his face with both hands]: Did he mention his escape? Anything that might give us away?

Intercom Guard: There is some risk, sir, but he was non-specific. We should be clean here.

Jason: I’m putting you in charge of a special team I’m preparing. Their mission will be to find Matt Damon and bring him into custody. Quietly.

Intercom Guard: Sir, it’s going to look like a kidnapping. We can’t just…

Jason [sighs]: I know. But we’ll have to find a way.