Tag Archives: Relationships

The Tracks Beyond Us

I could say you’re
Unfaithful
So ungrateful
But mainly I just feel ashamed
On good days it
Wasn’t painful
But still unable
To give you love worthy of the name
If you beckoned me near
I’d still feel the fear
The fog of my heart so unclear
How in the world did I steer
To get me from there to right here?

I look at
The tracks beyond us
And let’s be honest
They’re taking us too far away
I look at
The tracks beyond us
And the broken promise
But my heart gets stronger each day

Alone in my
Head space
In this dead place
With moments my steps can’t retrace
At home with a
Blank face
And an angst face
I still cannot feel like I’m safe
The bed forgets your smell
Oh, the tales it could tell
Lock me up in my shell
Lower me into this well
Entranced by a memory’s spell

I look at
The tracks beyond us
And let’s be honest
They’re taking us too far away
I look at
The tracks beyond us
And the broken promise
But my heart gets stronger each day

Would that you’d never left
‘Cause every breath
Is harder than death to accept
Leaving me so bereft
With every step
A sad joke that I just don’t get

I look at
The tracks beyond us
And let’s be honest
They’re taking us too far away
I look at
The tracks beyond us
And the broken promise
But my heart gets stronger each day

The Sooner That You Know

Sounds like
You’re still in love with her
From everything
That you felt and heard
The door is open
And you are hoping
But your heart is broken
From every word unspoken
But how will you know
If you should really part
If you let go
Without telling her what’s on your heart?

The sooner that you know
The sooner you can see
I want you to go
But don’t want you to leave

Tonight
I couldn’t sleep again
Tears from my eyes
As I contemplate the end
The door is closing
And yet the time is frozen
This isn’t what I’ve chosen
I don’t know where I’m going
To
There is no path here without you
And my mind
Could never be made up
To accept a breakup
I cannot bear the weight of
Living without you

The sooner that you know
The sooner you can see
I want you to go
But don’t want you to leave

I’m crushed
From the memory of your touch
Every day it is too much
Is it like that for
The both of us?
Can we
Ever learn from history?
Or are we just supposed to leave?
So what
And who is there left to trust?
I can paint a picture of us
And it’s rosy
But you’re not there
To hold me
So be
Live your life and leave me here to bleed

The sooner that you know
The sooner you can see
I want you to go
But don’t want you to leave

 

Commentary:

Alright, this one is actually inspired by real feelings.  There is a sense of confusion about my marriage, even though it’s existed in name only for a year and a half now.  I wrote this one late at night when I couldn’t sleep.  Last night, actually.  In some ways it is fitting to have it be so conflicted.  I have never really been able to share my deepest feelings with her, and I am not sure she would even be open to them, in some cases.  But there’s nothing more that can be said or done now, I suppose.  I just needed to get the feelings out, that’s all.  I hope I don’t feel compelled to keep writing about heartbreak in the future.  I just miss going home to someone, not having to miss someone.  But maybe I wasn’t a good enough husband, so…guess I just had it coming.  Songs can’t fix any of that, nor would I want them to.  I know there aren’t that many of you out there, but I’m always thankful for you.  As always, thanks for reading.

Black Friday

I’m a husband and father
Only son and stepdaughter
Let me tell you the tale
Like a lamb to the slaughter
Then betrayed and forgotten
Yet I feel like I failed
She says no one will blame me
I don’t think she can see
That the mirror, it does
I had all the proof then
Of all that she was doing
And I still held my tongue
Now our marriage is ruined
And now I feel foolish
She was seeing someone

Let me tell you the deal and
It’s half off for my feelings
What a sale I have found
When the truth was revealed then
Everything became real
Are you happier now?

I saw things in the browser
And the warning came louder
When you went for a walk
And it lasted an hour
But still I was a coward
And we never did talk
You weren’t wearing your ring and
I just didn’t believe that
You would lie to me so
Our love died at the scene and
You were still acting mean
You’d decided to go
You could probably see it
Bloated there in a stream
Did you strangle it, though?

Let me tell you the deal and
It’s half off for my feelings
What a sale I have found
When the truth was revealed then
Everything became real
Are you happier now?

Now it’s three-quarters off and
Did you solve any problems?
Glad I kept the receipt
‘Cause I’m taking you back and
Paying for it, at that
Because you chose to leave
What a buyer’s remorse that
Our love became a war
And you stabbed me at last
I can’t take anymore and
You surrendered before
I could raise up a flag
But then I look at the price tag
We destroyed what we had
There can be no return
And yet you were my wife and
Here we had a good life
Now I’m watching it burn
And my tears are like fire
Was all of this required?
Was it worth it for you?
I would call you a liar
But I live the reminder
That’s enough of the truth
That this is what you do
To people who love you

Let me tell you the deal and
It’s half off for my feelings
What a sale I have found
When the truth was revealed then
Everything became real
Are you happier now?

Alone here in a crowd

Where love is not allowed

Commentary:

I have been thinking of writing a song with this title for awhile, because she left the day after Thanksgiving (14 months ago), often known around these parts as Black Friday. I wasn’t sure about telling this tale, but the idea for the specifics of the song came to me this morning, and I just went with it. It’s not my wish to paint her as a bad person, as I think with any relationship there are mistakes made by each person. I think I needed to do at least one song of this sort. There’s still more to do to find peace with everything. I hope one day, I find it. But at least I am at a point where I am ready to move forward with life. Despite my last song, I can’t say I have met anyone new, not anyone attainable, at least. Nor would I pursue that sort of thing as I am now. This is just a place I visit to express the feelings, and perhaps preserve them, then move on. I don’t really need to explain, I suppose. But I figured, if you’re reading, maybe you might be curious. I don’t really know what to do with this blog, or how I would want it to look in an ideal world. I’m just using it to share my writings, and through them, to share a piece of myself. Thanks for reading.

As Much As I Can Get

I
Take away the scars
Upon my heart
You leave
I
Take away the parts
All the soft and hard
Memories
You
May be here yet gone
Like the sound of
Melodies
You
May be right and wrong
And I miss you
Terribly

As much as I can get
Even if nothing’s left
Pieces here I carry
Of a love still left unburied
As much as I can get
It lingers like regret
Lonely here and scary
To think that’s all I’m getting
Of you

The
Touches of your hand
Glimpses of your
Lovely smile
A
Picture on a stand
Things I haven’t seen
In awhile
Time
Took us our own ways
Wonder how it ends
For us
I’m
Waiting for the day
When I find someone
To trust

As much as I can get
Even if nothing’s left
Pieces here I carry
Of a love still left unburied
As much as I can get
It lingers like regret
Lonely here and scary
To think that’s all I’m getting
Of you

A whisper
Or a smell
The joy
Of being held
When you were happy dancing
Or a moment of romancing
A letter
That you wrote
That restored
All my hope
But time, the greatest gift
That you could spend it with
The person
You once loved
Who do you
Now think of?
I know it isn’t me and
I know that we can’t be
So what
Am I to do
With memories
Of you?
They’re breaking me to pieces
I fought and was defeated
It’s time
To let it go
And face
All the unknown
I face it here alone
In the shell of our old home
With

As much as I can get
Even if nothing’s left
Pieces here we carry
Of a love still left unburied
As much as I can get
It lingers like regret
Lonely here and scary
To think that’s all I’m getting
Of you

Still in Pain

Feels like we both
Want to blame ourselves
Reiterate all
Of the ways we failed
And we couldn’t endure
The storms at sea
Shipwrecked, watching you
Float away from me

The weight of our tears
Makes the oceans rise
I can feel you here
If I fantasize
Our fingertips they touch
As they begin release
But is the end of love
Really a relief?

So we drift away
Because you wouldn’t stay
And face the rain
And yet we’re still in pain
So we drift away
A little more each day
I can feel the change
And yet we’re still in pain

And maybe all my dreams
Conceal the silent screams
Over all we lost
As I turn and toss
I wonder what it means
What remains unseen
Is the future of
What would’ve been our love

“I haven’t been able to
Tell you everything.
I don’t think words could express
The warmth of your caress
And the brief rays of light
Of our happiness.
I kept too much inside,
Hidden from you,
You, the one I treasured most.
I have loved you,
And I love you still.
Although you are gone,
I always will.
Hold onto the pieces of me
That you can.
A kiss.  A moment in the moonlight.
I should’ve held you tighter
That last time.
If you were going to go,
It’s the least I could do.
I’m sorry I didn’t give enough.
Wherever you go now,
I gave the best years of me
To you.”

And maybe all my dreams
Conceal the silent screams
Over all we lost
As I turn and toss
And maybe what you need
Can never come from me
But I hope you find it
I’ll always be reminded
Of you

Lessons of Love

I have been in love
Yes, more than once
But never found
Just what I want
It’s not in her eyes
Or in a kiss
Now I see there’s
So much more than this
Because love is not
What you can see
It’s about what you
Do really need

Yet love is strong
And I am weak
There’s so much more
For it to teach
I only hope
That I can learn
And this time find
What I deserve

It’s in her voice
And in her laugh
With her I can
Forget the past
When we talk it’s like
Time becomes lost
And nothing else
Is worth my thoughts
It’s about more than
Holding her hand
It’s knowing that
She understands

Yet love is strong
And I am weak
There’s so much more
For it to teach
I only hope
That I can learn
And this time find
What I deserve

So quietly
How love unfolds
As morning dew
Makes flowers grow
When it happens
I suppose I’ll know
And when I do
I’ll tell her so
If the stars will shine
On me this time
I know that I
Will treat her right

Yet love is strong
And I am weak
There’s so much more
For it to teach
I only hope
That I can learn
And this time find
What I deserve

My Last Life

On our summer breeze
Love is sweet for you and me
In everything I please you
And every day I need you
Loving you is treasure
Joyful beyond measure
I don’t want to see
A world where you can’t be
With you my life is better
Like water in the desert

I’ll spend my last sunset
With you
I’ll have no regrets
I choose
To spend my last life here
With you

In the winter storms you’re
The one who keeps me warmer
When you hold me closer
The time, it goes much slower
And our love grows stronger
Even with our faults or
Arguments we lost and
Even with the problems
With you life is simple
You give so much to live for

I’ll spend my last sunset
With you
I’ll have no regrets
I choose
To spend my last life here
With you

No matter the season
Or the reason
Your love, it keeps pleasing
You make me believe with
Just a little squeeze and
You make my heart keep on beating
I feel like I’m dreaming
And you’re all I’m seeking
I promise I’ll never be leaving
You
What I wouldn’t
Do

I’ll spend my last sunset
With you
I’ll have no regrets
I choose
To spend my last life here
With you
To spend my last life here
Will do

 

Commentary:

This song is not inspired by any real events, given that my wife left me fairly recently, but I had the idea for it, so I wrote it.  It must be nice to be loved this way.  I wish I’d loved her this way, but clearly I didn’t, or she’d still be here.

Moving right along…I see this song as a duet, perhaps with each person taking two of the lines in turn.  I’m sure someone more musically inclined could put it to music.  If anyone ever does put any of my songs to a tune, I’d love to hear it–this has always been about making the art for me, not recognition.  In the meantime, perhaps I need to learn to play an instrument…But thanks for reading.  Hope you enjoyed it.

Broken Promises

 

The winds of change
Can’t erode
This heart of stone
I’m in some pain
And I’m alone
Here, on my own
Last night
I dreamed of you
What can I do?
It’s not right
I didn’t mean to
Do this to you

You’ve abandoned me
Though we planned to be
Wouldn’t have to see
Broken promises
But the promise is
Still the same for me

Will I forget
The touch of your hand?
Don’t think I can
But my regret
Is I haven’t been
More of a man
You opened the door
I watched you walk through
What you’re looking for, I
Couldn’t give it to you

You’ve abandoned me
Though we planned to be
Wouldn’t have to see
Broken promises
But the promise is
Still the same for me

So why’d you disappear
When I need you here?
It’s so very clear
That I don’t have to fear
If I feel you near

In daydreams
You wiped my tears away
And smiled at me
Then decided to stay
What good are dreams
As if movie scenes
Just the same pretending
With a happy ending?
Even fools could see
That we’d never be
But it was worth the trying
Although I feel like dying

And I did
I died for you
In the end
What good did it do?

You’ve abandoned me
Though we planned to be
Wouldn’t have to see
Broken promises
But the promise is
Still the same for me

Blue November

“You know I’m not coming back”
Fade to black
Looks like it’s love that I lacked
Face the facts
Feels like you’re still in the air
It’s captured you
But really you’ve gone over there
Haven’t you?

You gave me a
Blue November
And what can I do
But surrender
‘Cause I’m lost in the pain

I took all your books off the shelves
Your pictures too
As if I could somehow dispel
The myth of you
But I can’t let go of the ring
The promise made
I still feel the touch of your hand
As you fall away

You gave me a
Blue November
And what can I do
But surrender
‘Cause I’m lost in the pain

I can see you on the steps
It’s as if you never left
I’m never catching my breath
Love lost can feel like it’s death
I never will be the same
Cannot stand hearing your name
Maybe one day that will change
But wouldn’t that be very strange
To go
Through this life alone
You know
This was your home

You gave me a
Blue November
And what can I do
But surrender
‘Cause I’m lost in the pain

The Heartache

I could fall in love again
A thousand times
And what good would it do?
Never got enough of you
By my side
And with all I went through
But it didn’t benefit
Seems you were better when
I wasn’t there
Now it’s me you’re getting rid of
Now it’s you the one who’s fed up
And me here so scared

But I’ll survive
The heartache
I’m alive
In heartache
You were mine
My heartache
But in time
The heartache
Will make me just fine

Still surprised to find
Some clothes that smell like
Just like you do
I see your eyes inside
This hole in my life
Just like I used to
I’m speaking to you on the phone
I’m bleeding through and feeling so alone
And it’s all so unreal
Wondering what’s going on
Wondering what’s going wrong
That got us both here

But I’ll survive
The heartache
I’m alive
In heartache
You were mine
My heartache
But in time
The heartache
Will make me just fine

Or maybe not
Does she hate me not?
Or hate me so bad
Maybe we forgot
Just how great it got
Before we were sad
From a distance you
You seem so different too
Like through rose-colored glass
And it hits me too
From a certain point of view
We were in love in the past

Why couldn’t we make it last
The heartache
What we had
Was heartbreak
All I am
Is heartache
Can’t really stand
The heartache
It’s breaking me down
But I won’t make a sound