Tag Archives: Star Wars

[Rap]tain Phasma

Don’t mess with
Captain Phasma
She was raised on Parnassos
Stays handling matters
Shiny and chrome
A big deal, in fact and
You fight her
And you’ll end up with fractures
Ice pack on your face
For days after
Being a woman is
Not even a factor
It’s not about the wants
Because she has to
Generals take notes
Whenever she’s in action
She’s got a cold heart
Unlike these blowhards
No nonsense, it’s straight talk
In wartime
Dealing with
These Dug thugs in no time
No difference
Between foes in her mind
Only one goal:
Stay the most vicious
That’s how she’s living
With every single decision
So all you traitors
About to bear witness
Vengeance is now
Her first order of business

Blindsided by Chewie
With a takedown
Held to the blaster
Then forced to take down
Deflector shields
So she got a raw deal
She was dumped in the trash
To be a dianoga meal
She was left to
An uncertain fate
But make no mistake
Her survival takes place
And now
FN-2187
The only place you can
Escape her is heaven
You’re the bad apple here
A little leaven
Now the whole lump
Is spoiled from your deception
You have picked
The wrong side of history
I guarantee you’ll get
A big slice of misery
So don’t gamble on
Canto Bight
‘Cause when we fight
I’ll put you in the brig for life
I’ll make you suffer
And put out your lights
When the First Order cuts your throat
I’ll be the knife

You villagers will die
As an example
Think you can resist?
We’re more than you can handle
A massacre is nothing
But a sample
Our fierce firepower is ready
Able and ample
So you can raise
A fist up if you want
While my troops grab your wrist
And punch you in the gut
It’ll make you
Rethink decisions
Turn in your gun and
Report to my division
And who told you
To remove your helmet?
I keep my operation smooth
Like it’s velvet
And I’m a legend
Or so that’s how they tell it
I let my blaster speak instead–
It hasn’t failed yet
So in conclusion
Pain is in your future
Unless you bow down to Snoke
My troopers bruise you
That’s your only choice
If you refuse to
You’re just another number and
We can afford to lose you

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Vader’s Back

Killer of billions
Murderer of children
Ultimate man in black
Is back as villain
Thought they killed him
Saved by his children
Armored and robed
Doesn’t care for civilians
The Deathtroopers
Bringing death to you
Soon as you hear his breath
You go stupid
And you’re hoping
The choking is quick
Even half of his past crimes
Make you feel sick
So play dead
When he stands in the doorway
Hope he doesn’t point
The dark side in your way

Rebel scum
Vader’s back
Vader’s back
Vader’s back

They made errors
On technological terrors
Exhaust ports
Exceeded the cost for it
And it must have struck
Vader as an irony
Kyber and machine combined
Like what’s inside of me
I grip the mic
And it’s like midichlorians
Speak with the force
That leaves you on the floor again
Make you wish
You could step through the door again
Raise a hand and stop you
Give you fatal problems
If they don’t give up the resources
We rob them
That’s called nationalizing
When we resolve them
You are clear to proceed–
It’s free parking
Stand there and wait
For the Grand Moff Tarkin
And while your Rebel resolve
Might be hardened
I’ll make you dirt
And spread you in my garden
We will choose your homes
To make examples
Give you more firepower
Than you can handle
Make your planet light up
Like a candle
Then crush you all
In the Empire’s mandibles

Rebel scum
Vader’s back
Vader’s back
Vader’s back

I was raised with
The scum and the villainy
Life as a slave
Never gave me humility
I was so good
At building things
Till the moment I learned
I was better at killing things
Life is so much simpler
When you fix it–
Look at how cool I got
From molten liquid
You try to look at me
Differently
But just ’cause you know who I am
Don’t forget to be
Careful
About running your mouth
Or a red lightsaber
Might end up sticking out
The Death Star
Is the culmination
Of the Emperor’s plans
To subjugate the vagrants
Of my strengths
Among them isn’t patience
If I want it done and
You fail, then I break heads
You might think
It’s a waste of life
But it’s just motivation
So they can get it right
And I’ll be back–
A key strategic moment
Catch me inside
Once the theaters are open

Rebel scum
Vader’s back
Vader’s back
Vader’s back

Merchandising (BB-8 parody of Notorious B.I.G.’s ‘Hypnotize’)

I make volleyballs cry
‘Cause nobody wants to buy them
Me–I’m like iTunes is
To CDs
I put the First Order
In the hot water
Add a little oil
Then their goose is boiled
To Sphero and Target
I’m a hero
Got Artoo out of a coma
With my zeroes
And ones–binary
Like my funds
You pay double price
For my movies and my merchandise
My face could be
On bags of rice
People still lining up
With their pay to buy them
Even cats with plush toys
They like ’em
Ladies always want me
Rolling right beside them
Got maps
That weren’t found by Google
Even Five Below
Has got me if you’re frugal
Everybody knows
How I’m rolling
My slogan: With me
Every door is opened
Common in your household
More than the cold
Precious like gold
To the young and the old
More famous than the ball
That made Hanks cry
Making people rethink
Everything they buy
No surprise
Rolling through lows and highs
Coming with your Cheerios
Nuggets and your fries

BB BB BB-8
Can’t you see?
You’re so perfect for
Our merchandising
Worth sixty portions
Every day
That’s why Leader Snoke
Is so afraid

I went to Takodana
Instead of McDonald’s
I went to Tatooine
And found their Burger King
I went to Jakku
And thought the First Order shot you
But by some miracle
It seems you got through
Poe, my good buddy
Saved by Finn–
AKA Mr. Big Deal
In the Resistance
This is what we look like
Some of us are different
All you haters–
Get used to it
A man dressed in green
Rolls me through all drama
BB-8
Dodging TIE bombers
But from there
It doesn’t get any calmer
Riding on some garbage
Trying not to vomit
Because of Finn and Rey
The day’s saved
I like this scavenger
She is strong and brave
And people hating
Calling her a Mary Sue
Because she does things
They don’t know how to do
But I zealously defend
From the jealousy
Haters get shocked
Because they’re carbon copies
And I dare you
To come and try to stop me
I’m the one protecting
Lor San Tekka’s property
And just when
They think they got me
Poe blows ’em up
Whenever they’re getting sloppy

BB BB BB-8
Can’t you see?
You’re so perfect for
Our merchandising
Worth sixty portions
Every day
That’s why Leader Snoke
Is so afraid

Quite spherical
Getting lyrical and empirical
My numbers on the rise
While you’re stumbling
Maybe a few critics
Can’t get with it
But I’m Certified Fresh–
Unlike you, I’m successful
Like I dress up in robes
And straight bless folks
Everybody knows
I’m here to cash checks, though
People make
Their oranges look like me
I could make a mint
With BB-8 Nikes
Will they ever shut me down?
Never likely
Kids give me hugs
Their moms, they want to write me
And while I get
Rounds of applause
All you other astromechs
Just get demolished
While you polish yourself
With spit shine
I’m getting turtle wax
Why?  I’m deserving that
Can’t define or divine
My design
Infinity symbol
Got game like Nintendo
But I’m taking over
All your platforms
So consider this
My first and last warning
Roll out–
BB-8’s the new legend
Sold out
Every day without exception
I stack paper like
Bakers stack cakes I’m
BB-8
See me in The Force Awakens

BB BB BB-8
Can’t you see?
You’re so perfect for
Our merchandising
Worth sixty portions
Every day
That’s why Leader Snoke
Is so afraid
BB BB BB-8
Can’t you see?
You’re so perfect for
Our merchandising
Worth sixty portions
Every day
That’s why Leader Snoke
Is so afraid

Like a Jedi Fighting a Dog in a Canoe (An Unusual Star Wars Love Song)

First Order of business
Is smother you with kisses
Offer no Resistance
‘Cause you’re the one I’m missing
My heart is warm like Jakku
There’s nothing I would not do
If you fall, I’ve got you
My saga’s all about you

I’m like a Jedi fighting a dog
In a cano-o-o-oe
I’m like a Jedi fighting a dog
In a cano-o-o-oe
How ’bout you?

Our love is easy Peazy
It won’t take much to please me
I really think that you’re great
I’ll be rolling with you like BB-8
No matter where my heart goes
I will never treat you like Sarco
I’ll be your wingmate like I’m Poe
Together we’ll face the unknown

I’m like a Jedi fighting a dog
In a cano-o-o-oe
I’m like a Jedi fighting a dog
In a cano-o-o-oe
How ’bout you?

Baby our love’s the closest
Like we are on Geonosis
And when you’re feeling hopeless
Through the disturbance I’ll notice
And if this song makes no sense
You’ll understand if you focus
Like midichlorians speak to me
I will be there when you need me

I’m like a Jedi fighting a dog
In a cano-o-o-oe
I’m like a Jedi fighting a dog
In a cano-o-o-oe
How ’bout you?

You never will be lonely
I won’t disappear like Kenobi
And if a rancor holds me
You’ll throw a bone into both its teeth
I’m like the Force on a hard day
Because I’m with you always

I’m like a Jedi fighting a dog
In a cano-o-o-oe
How ’bout you?

Act a Fool (The Force Awakens Edit) – Parody of Ludacris’ ‘Act a Fool’ song

Two Sith!
Too furious!
We too Sith for y’all!
Two Sith!
Too furious!
We too Sith for y’all!

Pulled up to the theater
‘Cause I’m campin’ out
And December 18th is
What that’s about
Got my Tauntaun sleeping bag
If I get cold
Got a Darth Vader toaster
Makin’ my toast
I like my coffee on the dark side
Makin’ this roast
I ride faster than Hera
People think I’m a ghost
So they call me Phantom Menace
‘Cause they hatin’ me most
I got the fresh Star Wars
What you think of my clothes?
I got the Darth Vader hat
One size fits all
I got a T-shirt of Obi-Wan
Fighting with Maul
I got the pajama pants
With Vader’s face
I got my soccer ball designated
BB-8
I got the Boba Fett hideaway
License plates
So if the Empire finds me
I’ll escape to space

If people tweet spoilers
Six months in advance
Tell me what you gonna do?
Act a fool!
And they hatin’ on a movie
That they ain’t seen yet
Tell me what you gonna do?
Act a fool!
If the store ran out
Of masks for Kylo Ren
Tell me what you gonna do?
Act a fool!
And if trouble goes down
For my main man Finn
Tell me what he gonna do?
Act a fool!

What kind of Mickey Mouse operation
They running?
It turns out that Disney
Was onto something
I got a Blu-ray player
In my glove compartment
My ride is so fresh
It’s like a second apartment
So I can chill out and
Watch Attack of the Clones
Be like Han Solo said, man
“Chewie, we’re home”
Got my phone loaded up
With the Star Wars tracks
Got my speakers blowing out from
The front and the back
When I stop at the light
Just check out my rims
Got a stormtrooper’s face on ’em
Look at ’em spin
And I let my hair grow
Like a Qui-Gon Jinn
While I play the Force theme
On a violin
And I’m streaming Clone Wars
HD on Netflix
Watching Star Wars Rebels
Season 1 on my tablet

If people tweet spoilers
Six months in advance
Tell me what you gonna do?
Act a fool!
And they hatin’ on a movie
That they ain’t seen yet
Tell me what you gonna do?
Act a fool!
If the store ran out
Of masks for Kylo Ren
Tell me what you gonna do?
Act a fool!
And if trouble goes down
For my main man Finn
Tell me what he gonna do?
Act a fool!

Got my Darth Dew Slurpee cup
From ’05
And a decade later
Star Wars is alive
I’ve been riding shotgun
Since The Phantom Menace
And I’ma keep riding hard
Till the fandom gets it
‘Cause the Universe Expanded
Then it contracted
With a new set of tales
Making Legends redacted
I’ma stack novels high
Read ’em front to back and
Get my Marvel-made comics
Fresh out the package
Three months left
Until the Aftermath hits
And a box office legend
Coming three months after it
Stormtroopers usually
Are hit and miss
Ain’t nobody on the block
Gonna be missing this
Got my grill going
Darth Vader’s face on my apron
And it’s six months left
Until The Force Awakens

If people tweet spoilers
Six months in advance
Tell me what you gonna do?
Act a fool!
And they hatin’ on a movie
That they ain’t seen yet
Tell me what you gonna do?
Act a fool!
If the store ran out
Of masks for Kylo Ren
Tell me what you gonna do?
Act a fool!
And if trouble goes down
For my main man Finn
Tell me what he gonna do?
Act a fool!

Two Sith!
Too furious!
We too Sith for y’all!
Two Sith!
Too furious!
We too Sith for y’all!
Two Sith!
Too furious!
We too Sith for y’all!
Two Sith!
Too furious!
We too Sith for y’all!

V.A.D.A. (The Force Awakens Edit) (Rap Parody of Jay-Z song ‘Izzo (H.O.V.A.)’)

Chorus:

V to the izz-A
D to the izz-A
I’m not forsaken
In The Force Awakens
V to the izz-A
D to the izz-A
That’s the anthem
Get your metal hands up
V to the izz-A
D to the izz-A
Don’t be hatin’
On BB-8 and them
V to the izz-A
D to the izz-A
That’s the anthem
Get your metal hands up

It’s half a helmet
Skeletal reality
I may be dead
But I achieved immortality
Heroes grow old
But they never retire
Especially not
When there’s still an Empire
Take it from a man
Who’s twice been through fire
More than just skill alone
Is required
I climbed back off of
The funeral pyre
Because I’m the only one
In this game who still inspires
Kylo Ren
Watchin’ hens in this wolf house
I’m everything and far more
Than what you heard about
They might say
There’s no more to be said
And the saga is over
Because Darth Vader’s dead
Thirty years later
I’m still stacking bread
I couldn’t finish counting it
Had to go to bed
But I can’t sleep
It’s more like meditation
The pain is incredible
The dark side is medication
And I break out
My PlayStation
I’m a teras kasi master
I’ll kick your face in

(Chorus)

So I
Pass the torch
And I find it
Most fortunate
My son is still strong in the Force
And that’s important
No time for caution
I’m back out the coffin
I’m so good you say
We should do this more often
We can make it
A Star Wars Weekend
Wake up to see
The twin suns and sleep in
Watch me tangle with
Kanan and the Rebels
And ain’t none of them
Even halfway on my level
I trained Ahsoka
To be a saber toter
I’ve got no patience
For haters and young voters
We reorganized
To make a safe society
And rebooted the game
And gave it more variety
I’ve brought peace and security
To my Empire
No such thing here
As a right to survive, so
Too much thinking
Gets you sighted with rifles
When curfew is up
You better silence your lights, bro

(Chorus)

This year
Your Christmas gift’s a week early
It’s in the form of
Movie tickets, now, you heard me?
It’s Finn and Jake
And Edgar Allan Poe–
Oops, Finn and Rey
And Poe Dameron, whoa
J.J. Abrams came up
To save them
Like Luke did to me
I found it most brave of him
To face the challenge
In this age of information
Where one tap of phrases
Can paint you as Satan
Or have ’em laughing at you
Like Jason Bateman
While the perpetrators wait
In the safety of their basements
But fans are waiting
In rain on the pavement
To see the greatness
That they will embrace again
A great day
For the faith that was wavering
It’s eight more months
Until The Force Awakens
And I won’t add
An additional statement
Put this anthem on
In your ships with the bass, man

(Chorus)

The Force Never Slept (A Rap)

I laugh when I think about
The Star Wars questions
I used to have
Back before ’97
Used to think
Shadows of the Empire
Was a movie
The video game inspired me
And it moved me
Little did I know about
The love affair
The passion and addiction
That already started there
And then my mom brought home
Three VHS tapes
History was written
From then on, it was great
Completely changed up
My whole philosophy
And reexplained all of
The great old mythologies
It got me to read
A few more anthologies
Even helped me to question
My theology
I watched A New Hope
The Empire Strikes Back
Return of the Jedi

Six times
And I liked that
And that was back
When those tapes were borrowed
About a hundred more viewings
Were soon to follow
And soon enough, man, guess what?
I bought two copies
So in case one of those tapes broke
It wouldn’t stop me

The Force Awakens
We’re bringing the best
What you heard is mistaken
The Force never slept
It’s daybreak and
It ain’t in the bed
What you heard is mistaken
The Force never slept

It’s easy for some
To hate on the Prequels
But believe me
I was never one of those people
See I went on each opening night
I heard ’em clappin’
And then I see the strangest sight
Their gums are flappin’
About Jar Jar this
And Anakin can’t act
And George Lucas should quit
And take his films back
And he didn’t care about
The story at all
He gave no thought at all
To making Darth Maul
Now I’m not saying
That the movies were perfect
Far from it
But to me, every second was worth it
Look, I don’t think
I like sand, either
No surprise that they left that line
Out of the teasers
And no, Jar Jar wasn’t
The greatest feature
But I don’t believe Lucas
Is a racist either
Hmm, turns out
He married a black woman
I guess the Jar Jar haters
Didn’t see that one comin’

The Force Awakens
We’re bringing the best
What you heard is mistaken
The Force never slept
It’s daybreak and
It ain’t in the bed
What you heard is mistaken
The Force never slept

How come no one speaks of
Liam Neeson
And of how the Jedi Qui-Gon Jinn
Became the reason
Of how one man
Who merely showed compassion
Ended up changing everything
Because of his actions?
Am I the only one
Who thinks McDiarmid
Deserved an Oscar nom
The way he played his part in
Revenge of the Sith?
He was like a twisted grandfather
Killed it so well
He could be charged with manslaughter
And yes, I have a crush on
Natalie Portman
She could make every word she said
Sound important
And even when the man she loved
Became a torment
Her love for a Sith
Is one we’ll never forget
They deleted some of her best scenes
She was the angel of Anakin’s dreams, dude
(And mine too)
Nobody talks about
One other fellow
His name’s Obi-Wan Kenobi
Ewan McGregor
Main man held it down
He kept it steady
Buzz cut, beard and brown mullet
Dude was ready
Graying at the temples
But still in his thirties
By no means afraid
To thrill and get his hands dirty
And at the end of it all
We all felt his pain
As he stared down in horror
At his brother’s remains
I could go on
But my point is made
It wasn’t just special effects
And Lucas gettin’ paid
People are sayin’ that
The Force Awakens
If you think it ever slept
It is you who are mistaken

The Force Awakens
We’re bringing the best
What you heard is mistaken
The Force never slept
It’s daybreak and
It ain’t in the bed
What you heard is mistaken
The Force never slept

I’m just saying
Try to be optimistic
When something new comes out
Don’t be so quick to dismiss it
And instead of making assumptions about it
Try to listen
And don’t assume that great entertainment
Is a given
It takes dedication,
Good fortune and talent
It takes Luke to show us
A different way than violence
People who immediately hate
I meet with silence
J.J. and gang
Will bring it back to balance
In the meantime
It’s new novels and it’s streamlined
Inspiring new generations
To dream high
Remember it was Lucas himself
Who set the beam high
And gave us a new hope
Back when we were knee high
Who gave us awe
When we saw the X-Wings fly
We saw them fly straight into battle
Against the mean TIEs
It’s what people writing today
Will build their scenes by
It’s on the list of movies
That should be seen by
Every single person alive
Before we die
And I suggest seeing each of them
At least twice
The time before Episode VII
Will soon speed by
And we can look forward again
To seeing the screen wide
To seeing Luke and a new gang
Take on the mean side
So please try to give ’em a chance
Let’s let the team rise

The Force Awakens
We’re bringing the best
What you heard is mistaken
The Force never slept
It’s daybreak and
It ain’t in the bed
What you heard is mistaken
The Force never slept

Welcome to the Lars (A Rap)

Welcome to the Lars
No dreamin’ of the stars
It’s your uncle talkin’
This is all that you are

Twin sunsets drop down
We’re twin suspects
Our stepmom disappeared–
Let’s change the subject
Doing deals with Jawas
For the spare parts
While the tombstones line up
In front of our front yard
It’s about the water
On this moisture farm
And the mindless monsters out there
About to get harmed
Thirty of us went out after them
Didn’t get far
Twenty-six heads on the ground
And then a leg gone
It’s ruthless–Hutts run the planet
And the slavery
Endless global warming’s
The reward for your bravery
Oh, look!
You got a bad motivator!
Tryin’ to push on us
All these bad rappin’ flavors!
Well, that one’s pricey, but–
What about that blue one?
He could be fixed up nicely
With a glue gun

Welcome to the Lars
No dreamin’ of the stars
It’s your uncle talkin’
This is all that you are

Look who’s fresh back
From the Clone Wars
Your fool idealistic crusade
What was it good for?
You were a killer and a liar
In the service of the killers and liars
With the worst ruling an Empire
So while you’re busy
Serving your ideals
I’m busy trying to figure out
My next meal, I’ll keep it real
My brother could’ve farmed
Instead of making an orphan
With midichlorians
Inside his cells like endorphins
Waitin’ to read our thoughts
To find stuff that we lost
To waste time with his friends
And dream about leaving jobs
Unfinished
Look, I don’t mean to diminish
Anakin’s death, he was my brother too–
I’m not finished!
He followed you into that war
Now he’s dead, Ben!
Maybe it was your blade, your hands
That did him in!
I see the guilt on your face!
Don’t try to lie to me!
Don’t ever come back, wizard!
You just died to me!

Welcome to the Lars
No dreamin’ of the stars
It’s your uncle talkin’
This is all that you are

Too many questions
The boy is gettin’ older
Eager to find adventure
With Biggs and his friends over
In Anchorhead
I’m thankful that his dad’s dead
So he can’t hear
The things that I’ve said about him
Like he was a navigator
On a spice freighter
A drug dealer
Who got gunned down
And not a dark sider
And then the day comes
When Luke finds a message
Claiming to be from
A princess in distress
Wish I could’ve erased it
He got upset with me
It made him want to join the Academy
Disrespect me
Yeah, whatever
Most of his friends are gone
I’ll make it up to him next year
Maybe, maybe not
Definitely not before midday
It’s droids in the south range that
Seem to be malfunctioning
Hold up, it’s a knock at the door
Afternoon, good sirs.
May I ask who you’re looking for?
A pair of droids gone missing
From a civil war?
Well, you can search us
But these aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Hey, something’s burning down there.
What are you cooking for?
Hold up, wait! You torchin’ my place!
Oh, no, no!
Now you torchin’ my face!

Welcome to the Lars
No dreamin’ of the stars
It’s your uncle talkin’
This is all that you are

We burn together
Like a final end in Mordor
Now and forever
I see what Ben was fightin’ for
A galaxy with justice,
Freedom, rights and laws
Instead of soldiers and slaves
Frightening Emperors
In our last moments
I take Beru’s hand
I can only hope we helped turn Luke
Into a good man
Will he come back and see us
Here in the burnt sand?
Will he want revenge
And build a thirst planned
Out of hatred
To strike back and make it
So no one else has to die like us,
Murdered, forsaken?
Maybe in a way, our fall
Becomes his rise
He is our last hope
Even as our farm dies

Welcome to the Lars
No dreamin’ of the stars
It’s your uncle talkin’
This is all that you are

Give It To Me (Vader Edit)

Here’s a Star Wars rap I wrote a long time ago.  I used to blog on the old starwars.com, and I thought I might post this one again, just because I was thinking about it.  It’s sort of taking the music from an old Jay-Z song and approaching it from Darth Vader’s point of view.  So, here we go:

Chorus:

See I’m Vader, baby
And I’ma need you to know
I’m a Jedi hater, baby
So I’ma need you to go
Give it to me
Give me that fleet, that Force,
That flashy ‘saber stuff
It’s my destiny
Dark Lord of the Sith,
I report only to the Emperor

Vadey’s home
I’m back in black
You can send them clones
In a three-pronged attack
Me and Padme
Don’t see eye-to-eye
‘Cause Obi-Wan deceived you
With a pack of lies
That fool’s tryin’ to sever
Our family ties
But we could be cruisin’ together
In a family TIE
You like Threepio–
Get your head on straight
Believe me, though
Power is well worth the wait
And to speak of gold
I’m worth more than my weight in it
I’m creepy, cold
And born a Jedi-hatin’ Sith
Lustin’ for vengeance
Don’t know about repentance
I’m the Dark Lord
To whom you pay penance
And if you cross the line
You pay the penalty
You can’t apologize
Though I’m often “accepting”
I got rolls of dough
Got credits a-plenty
The galaxy to me
Is like DC went to Fenty

See I’m Vader, baby
And I’ma need you to know
I’m a Jedi hater, baby
So I’ma need you to go
Give it to me
Give me that fleet, that Force, that flashy ‘saber stuff
No apologies
I’m the best of the best and about to become spectacular

It’s Death Squadron
Burning down your homes
Like you was in a cauldron
Set down on forest moons
Like I was Buzz Aldrin
“Noosh, Vader! [Vader breathing]”
It’s a small step for Sith
But it’s a giant leap for all you Ewoks in this rap game
You try to breathe like me
But y’all just imitatin’
Ain’t no scheme like me
Constantly innovatin’
I’m the metaphorical Jesus
That’s castin’ down Satan
I’m a metaphorical genius
Aboard my battle station
The Death Star’s my home
And all y’all Rebel rappers are just
Scratches on my chrome
Should’ve known better
Than to play with matches on my throne
You might just get burned
With blasters from my clones
I’ll write ‘I wasn’t strong enough’
On your grave stones
You Wookiees growl tough
But you still my slaves, homes

See I’m Vader, baby
And I’ma need you to know
I’m a Jedi hater, baby
So I’ma need you to go
Give it to me
Give me that fleet, that Force, that flashy ‘saber stuff
No apologies
I’m the best of the best and about to become spectacular

Megalomaniacal
And diabolical
Each one of my plans is
Perfectly methodical
Born the son of the Force
And then became prodigal
Me versus Spock?
That’s simply illogical
“The Emperor is not as forgiving as I am”
And your raps can’t make
Half the living that mine can
I’m top alumni,
Imperial Rap Academy
While you standin’ in the crumb line
So you feel mad at me
But I can’t help it
I was born with skills
When moms died, I felt it
I was born to kill
“They’re like animals!
I slaughtered them like animals!”
So hungry for rhymes
They became lyrical cannibals
Hold up,
Let me get some fava beans
And this is what
Being Luke’s father means:
Born to bring order
Trained as a warrior
Game, set, match
And it’s only the first quarter

See I’m Vader, baby (Vader!)
And I’ma need you to know
I’m a Jedi hater, baby
So I’ma need you to go
Give it to me
Give me that fleet, that Force, that flashy ‘saber stuff
It’s my destiny
Dark Lord of the Sith, I report only to the Emperor